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Bearing Through It >> Share Your Story >> new member, My Story

Message started by kjoy on Nov 11th, 2003 at 12:53pm

Title: new member, My Story
Post by kjoy on Nov 11th, 2003 at 12:53pm
The one word that always lives in my mind about my life is "Secrets" It seems I have lived my entire life with keeping secrets.. My first memories of being molested are of my dads hands and lips.. Nothing more.. just hands and lips. And there is the family "rule" What goes on in this house, remains in this house. Family business is nobody elses business. The man who sold vacuum cleaners was caught molesting me when I was six, and instead of sitting me down and explaining what he did was wrong, I just got to hear parts of conversations about how they would like to cut his thingy off etc. I talked to the police which was scary but nothing ever explained to me. As I was used to being touched I didn't understand what he did wrong and because he said he loved me .. I thought it was bad to love me and you would go to jail for it. So I made sure that I never again told when someone "loved" me. I must have had a sign on me that said Please love me, because all through my childhood and teen years I was molested by many men. My older brother raped me when I was eight, neighbor men, men from my church, all seemed willing to give me this love. It wasn't until after my first divorce that I learned that I equated sex with love. I had a boyfriend that was getting frustrated that I was constantly demanding sex from him and he told me to go home and write him a letter explaining why I felt I had to have sex all the time.. It came out in that letter that I felt if we didn't, than he wouldn't love me. Wow was that an eye opener! It didn't change my behaviour but at least now I understood why I was the way I was... In my second marriage the man I married was a perfect person unless it was in the bedroom. Again, I kept secrets.... No one ever knew that the only way he could be satisfied was by making me cry. No one knew that. After about seven years of marriage I had a nervous breakdown and I had a friend that sent me a ticket to visit and I went to another state, and never went home. Everyone thought I was horrible to leave this "perfect" man. I spent six months triggering and couldn't work or do anything but cry and my friend stood by me and helped me through it all.. I love her to death and always will for what she did for me, but once again I am living with secrets.. She is my friend and my lover, but I can never "tell" I am so tired of secrets... Well that is my life pretty much . Sorry I took so long to tell it. Thanks for welcoming me here.. Take care. Kathy

Title: Re: new member, My Story
Post by ginabella on Nov 12th, 2003 at 1:05am
Hello kjoy and welcome :D
I think you'll find this site very helpful.  I've come here not long ago and already found a new family.  This place has been a wealth of support in my darkest times.  Everyone I have heard from has been nothing but kind and caring...and offering advice when needed.
So, good luck in your healing.  I understand your "secrets"  and the pain that they inflict when we keep them in.  This is a very safe place to let them out.  I don't think anyone here will judge you.
Much love and luck

Title: Re: new member, My Story
Post by kjoy on Nov 18th, 2003 at 1:25pm
Thank you Ginabella for your words of support and welcome.


Title: Re: new member, My Story
Post by warrior_redbird on Nov 19th, 2003 at 12:54am
I just wanted to say thank you for sharing part of yourself with us. I can relate to things you said because I too have kept secrets for so long. I have learned it is our secrets that keep us sick, and therefore am st  ruggling to let them out slowly, one by one....
I hope you will begin to feel safe here with us and learn to trust a bit here and this is where you can unleash those demons and begin to experience freedom....

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