Monday, 11 August 2003 01:00
It took me a couple of years of keep going back to the RAINN web-site and talking to my sister-in-law Cynthia to get the courage to make that call. I am so glad that I did make that call. I was really scared to call and say that I was a sexual assault victim because if I said it, it made it real and I didn't want that. I was scared of asking for help that I needed, wondering if I would be believed. I wanted to wake up out of that nightmare I was in. I am interested in becoming a victim's advocate and I'm not sure where to start. In my healing process I feel that I have come a long way. I do have a desire to help other people who have been victimized. I want to let them know that there is hope for them and that they can overcome this in time with the right resources. I feel that writing is a good key healing tool. I sometimes write my thoughts about what I went through and I sometimes write poems and I pray for God to help me through this journey. I know my faith in God has helped me make it to this point in my life.
I would like to share my story with you.
My name is Marie Waldrep. I live in Ga. and I was sexually abused as a child. One of the perpetrators is my brother who is 15 years older than I am. His name is James Darriel Harrison. He goes by Darriel. My mother raised me up in church and my dad would drink alcohol and get drunk some of the time. I remember one time he got drunk and started beating my mother. My mother came in my room and asked me if it was all right that she stayed in there because for some reason your dad wants to beat on me, well it didn't take him long to figure out where she was and he came in my room and he had a hot cup of coffee in his hand and he backed my mother up against my bed and slapped the heck out of her and spilled hot coffee on me. I jumped up after he hit my mother and shoved him as hard as I could into my stereo. It took him a while to get up. I then ran to get my brother Paul up to help. Then I went back to protect my mother from being hit again. My dad by this time had got up and came in the hallway and slapped the crap out of my face. We then went to my sister Wanda's house for the rest of the night. My mom asked me to go get the loaf of bread off the table at home so we could fix sandwiches at my sisters house and when I got home my dad was at the table and he told me he was going to get me for shoving him into the stereo. My dad's drinking didn't seem so bad to me because I was being sexually assaulted while all the other crap was going on. I don't think you can ever get it all told because you always remember something else. Just like darriel killing my cat after I finally told my mother about him raping me. I feel he made me an easy target for all the other jerks.
I remember when I was a little girl how I use to play with my dolls and my other toys. I would have a good time playing with my toys. My brother Paul and I would play outside in our sandbox, we would play cowboys and Indians, cops and robbers, play in the mud after it had rained and play store with our play money. I had fun when my dad would take Paul and I fishing and wheel us around in the wheel barrel and rake up huge piles of leaves in front of our swing, we would swing as high as we could and then jump out into the leaves. That was really fun. I thought it was cool when daddy showed me and Paul how to make a flashlight with batteries, wire, tape and a light bulb. Paul and I are the youngest of six children. Paul is only ten and a half months older than me. I am the baby of the family. I learned to trust all of my family and I loved them with all my heart. I never wanted to see anyone get hurt because it made me sad.
My first memory of being sexually assaulted I was around five and a half years old. We were in the living room watching T.V. it was kind of cold and my oldest brother asked me if I wanted to get under the blanket with him to watch TV so I did and as soon as I was under the blanket with him he put his hand in my panties and started fondling me. I really didn't know what to think about him doing that because I trusted him and he would always tell me it was OK for him to do that. I wasn't under the blanket to long and my mother started yelling for me to get up and when I got up she spanked my butt. To me this showed Darriel hey I can do this and not get into any trouble, because I was the one to get my butt spanked. I was around seven and he came to my room and got on the bed with me and started talking about when I get old enough he wanted to marry me and then he put my hand on his #@*%! and put his hand on my private. He wasn't in there to long until my mother came in and of course he wasn't touching me anymore, but again she made him leave the room and she spanked my butt for him being in my room with me. I just don't get it at all. When he was on the phone with someone and I walked in the kitchen to get something to drink he would wrap the phone cord around me and back me into the corner and put his fingers up inside me. Then he would say please come to my room and I would tell him NO. I was a very shy and quite little girl. I never gave any trouble to anyone. I did everything I was told to do so that I wouldn't get into trouble. Mama always took us to church and tried to raise us up right. I was taught to obey your elders. Darriel would fondle me on and off for about six years. Darriel probably would have assaulted me every day but in those six years he was in and out of jail and hospitals for drugs and stealing. Mama would always get him out of trouble and out of jail. I had a cousin to start fondling me when I was around nine. I hated every time we went to their house and that they would come to our house and when they would go to my grandparents house the same time that we would. When I reached the age of eleven that is when it really got worse. I can't remember who came first my cousin or Darriel both were J.A.'s. Darriel raped me twice in this year. The first time he raped me Paul and I had just got home from school and he came to me and ask me to come to his room and me being trusting I went to see what he wanted and then he locked his door and then he asked me if I had any hair on my private. I said I don't know and then he said can I see, I said NO! Then he pushed me down on his bed pulled my underwear off and unzipped his pants and got on top of me. He stayed on top of me for about 30 minutes. I could not do anything. I couldn't breath. I felt like I was dieing. Paul started looking for me and Darriel told me to go out the back door and tell him that I had been outside. He threatened me to keep me from telling on him. He told me if I told anyone that I would get into trouble and get took away from mama and daddy and that they would lock me up. He said they will lock me up to. I believed him and was really scared to say anything in fear that I would get taken away from mama and daddy. The second time he raped me I had just got home from school and I was by myself. He told me he had to show me something and I was so stupid to trust him after the first time he tricked me, but I went to his room to see what he wanted to show me and again he locked his door and I got scared. He then pulled out a pornographic magazine and made me look at the pictures in it. Then he pushed me down on his bed. He went inside me once and then he pulled out and put spit on his #@*%! and then he went back in. I was so scared. I was trying to push him off of me but I couldn't. I was crying. I couldn't breath. He was smothering me. I told him he was hurting me and he told me don't say anything. When he got through he got up and wiped his #@*%! off on a towel and told me to get up and go clean myself up. He had busted me open and I was so scared when I went to the bathroom and found out I was bleeding. I thought I was going to die. It took along time to get the bleeding to stop. Sandra showed up when I was in the bathroom cleaning myself up and Darriel left with her. Darriel tried for a third time in this year he had already planed this because I was alone. Mama and daddy were out of town and Paul and I stayed with my sister Wanda. I went home to get some M&M's to share with my friend Malinda and when I got in the house he went and locked all the doors and came up behind me and was trying to fondle me and he was trying to force me in his room. I knew I couldn't take this again from him I was able to push him down in to some things next to his room and then I ran to my sisters house. He was right behind me to make sure I didn't tell on him. I was so shook up that I went to my nieces room and laid down on her bed and I could hear him ask my sister where is Marie and she told him I was laying down and then he went back home. I found out after he had done all these disgusting things to me that he had been screwing the chickens we had. My dad kept finding dead chickens and couldn't figure out why, and then my mother started noticing blood and feathers in his underwear when she was washing clothes. My question to this is why the heck did they not do anything to him. You can see by this he is a very sick person. My cousin Hal Wilson would back me into corners and fondle me every time that we either went to their house or that they would come to our house and even when that we would end up at my grandparents house at the same time in Alabama. He would even back me in the corner of church and fondle me. The church I went to at that time the bathrooms were back with all the Sunday school classes and if I had to go he would all of a sudden have to go. When I would come out of the bathroom he would be at the door waiting on me. He would then pull me into a dark Sunday school classroom and fondle me. I would tell him that I needed to get back out to the church service and he wouldn't let me go until he got through doing what he wanted to do. I hated him doing that. He was a mean person. He would scare me with snakes and hit and slap me and pull my hair. One time we went to their house and he caused me to bleed and I got scared because I had never had a period and I didn't know what to do if I was bleeding. I waited until we got home and then I called my mother to the bathroom and she thought I had just got my first period. I didn't tell her that I was hurt and that is why I was bleeding. I was too scared to tell her. I didn't think she would believe me and that I would get the blame for it. The worse thing he did was when we all went to Alabama to my grandparent's house they were there and he told me he wanted to show me something. I said ok and he said you can only see it from the bathroom window. I said ok. What a stupid person I was. My grandparents bathroom was weird it was huge. As you go in the door the sink and mirror was on the left and the shower and then you walked down like a long hallway to the toilet and the window was at the very end of the room. As soon as I went in the bathroom with him he locked the door and told me to go to the window so I did and then when he got down there he started telling me what he wanted me to do and I told him NO and he said you are going to do it. I said NO and then he put his hands around my neck and started chocking me. Then he pulled out his #@*%! and told me that I was going to suck it. I said no again and he forced it in my mouth. I hated him. I was sick. I was thinking how am I going to get out of this and thank God that my aunt knocked on the door and he stopped and he made me answer her. He told me to tell her that I would be out in a few minutes. He told me if I told that he would hurt me really bad next time. He hid in the shower to make sure that my aunt wasn't at the door when I went out. I waited a few minutes and he came out and then I went and told my aunt that she could go to the bathroom. He tried to get me to go in this burnt out building one time but I knew if I did I would be done for. I was so glad when they moved to Alabama because then we didn't see them that much and every time I would see them I made sure I stayed away from him because I knew if he could get me alone he would do awful things to me like before. When I was taking a bath Darriel would go outside the bathroom window and look in the window at me. I started putting towels over the window. He opened the bathroom door a couple of times when I was using the bathroom, when he had his disgusting friends over. My mother didn't like his friends and she made them stop coming in our house. Through my whole teenage years he would always try to get me alone again. When I was fourteen mama and daddy left Paul and I with Sandra and Darriel while they were out of town. Darriel started accusing me of having sex with Larry and I got angry at him and told him to shut-up because it wasn't true. He then beat the heck out of me. He through me on the floor and was beating me and banging my head on the floor. I was doing everything in my power to protect myself. He was to strong for me to do anything to him. I pulled a hand full of hair out of his head and then he ripped my dress I was wearing I'm not sure what he had in his head to do after that because my brother Paul intervened. He picked Darriel up off of me and banged his head in the floor. Darriel threatened me. He said I better not go to sleep tonight because when I did he was going to come in my room and cut all of my hair off. I'm not sure how we got out of the house, but Paul and I went to our cousin Connie's house after Sandra said she was calling the sheriff department on us. Sandra did call the sheriff department on Paul and I and they came out and told us that we needed to go to bed that it was passed our curfew. I tried to get Darriel in trouble with them for what he did to me but for some reason I will never understand why that they could plainly see that I had been assaulted and all they could tell me was that if I didn't shut up and go to bed that they were going to take me to jail and I argued with them about that. I was trying to get them to take me away from there. I hated being in fear of what Darriel was going to do to me next. Larry Gibbs was a mean person also he didn't like it that when my mother was gone he couldn't come in the house. One day he came over and he wanted to come in and I told him that he couldn't because my mother said he wasn't allowed in the house when she wasn't there so he said came out here for a second and I walked outside and he got angry at me for not letting him in and he put his hands around my neck chocking me till I almost passed out. He had cut off my oxygen flow and I started blanking out. My brother Paul came to my rescue. He told Larry that he was going to beat the heck out of him if he didn't leave me alone. Thank God Paul came out there when he did because he could have killed me. As I got older and started finding out more about it was OK to tell, I felt dirty, unclean and ashamed of myself. It started getting next to me real bad when mama and daddy would be watching TV shows about kids being raped by their fathers, brothers, uncles, etc. I felt I couldn't trust anyone. I felt alone. I felt like committing suicide. I didn't want to live anymore. I wanted to die. I tried to cut my wrist 3 times and I took some pills once. Still no one knew about this secret. I don't think I really wanted to kill myself. I just wanted someone to see that I needed help and help me. I didn't know what to do. I was scared to say anything because I had been threatened to keep my mouth shut about what happened. He would remind me that if I said anything that I would get put in a hospital or get locked up and get took away from mama and daddy. When I started going to Jr. High I developed an attitude because of this. I wanted to forget but I couldn't because He was always at home when I got there after school. He got away with doing anything he wanted to do. I was in high school before I ever told anyone about what had happened to me with Darriel. The first person I told about this was my friend Malinda Turner. It was very hard for me to get started in how to tell her. I told her I needed to talk to her and tell her something so we went for a walk and that's when I told her something happened to me. I told her I was...I was... then I began to cry. She then asked me if I had been raped. I said yes and she said by who Darriel and I said yes. She said I had a feeling that is what your were going to tell me. After she helped me spill everything about what Darriel done to me it made it easier for me to talk to her about it. I told her I wanted to tell my mother but I didn't know how. I was scared. I told her that my mother probable want believe me and she will make me think it was my fault. Malinda always assured me that it wasn't anything I could have done and that I was OK. My sister Sandra told me that he was trying to rape her one day and I said he has me too. Then Sandra told my mother and my mother then asked me, I heard that Darriel tried to rape you. I said he didn't try he did. She started yelling at me why didn't you tell me. I told her I was scared. She wanted to know when it happened, where it happened at, how far up inside me did he go, did it hurt me, where was she when it happened, etc. Then she said I just can't believe it. I said I knew you wouldn't believe me. She said I do and then she said I was hoping I would have at least had one virgin in my family. Then she quit talking to me for almost 3 weeks. This hurt really bad because I thrived off of my mothers love and affection. My mother was in big time denial that the incest took place. The next time I saw Malinda I told her that I told my mother and that she said I was hoping I had at least one virgin in my family and that she wouldn't talk to me. I started crying and Malinda started crying when I told her how my mother acted. Malinda gave me a hug and told me not to worry. She couldn't believe my mother would act that way to me. When I was sixteen my mom told me to take Darriel to Mr. P's. I didn't want to but because she said to I took him and he reached over and put his hand on my leg and started running it up my skirt and I told him to get his damn hand off of me and he said I was just seeing if you had on pantyhose. I told him to keep his hands off me and don't touch me again. After he got out of the car he told me to lock the doors because there were a lot of creeps around here. This unnerved me so bad that I rear ended a car in front of me. The guy got out of his car and he seen I was upset and it didn't do any damage to his car so he let me know it was ok. One day after I got off of work I guess my mother had been thinking about me telling her that Darriel raped me and as soon as I walked in the door she told me to tell Darriel what he did to me. I told her that I didn't need to tell him because he knew what he did. She proceeded to tell him what I said he did to me and then he said you must have been f-ing dreaming. I said to him you don't dream something like that. I told him you know you did that and that pissed him off so he came in the living room where I was and slapped the heck out of my face. My mother jumped up and told him he had better not hit me again. She told him if he needed to hit anyone again he had better hit her and for him not to put his hands on me again. I was in shock that he had just hit me like that. I felt very numb like I was in a daze. I told my mother that she had better kick Darriel out or I was leaving. I went and got in my car and I drove myself back to my job. I felt like I was going to pass out while I was driving back to my job. I just prayed for God to let me make it back there. I had this lady I worked with (her name was Barbara Green) drive me to her house till I got calm enough to go get my car and drive back home. I will never understand why my mother would never kick Darriel out of her house. I'm not sure if she ever accepted that the incest took place. No matter how much hell he caused her she truly believed in treating us equally. That was crap if you ask me. I would get so sick of hearing Darriel run his mouth about not having anything if he would get his butt out and work to have something he would have it, but all he ever wanted to do was go have a good time as he called it. Taking drugs, smoking pot, hitting a few lines of cocaine or shooting it up in his veins. If you don't think living with someone like that will drive you nuts well you are wrong. Sometimes he would get so screwed up on all those drugs he was taken he would start talking all kind of crazy stuff like do you want me to slap you or he would pull out a knife and say let me cut you or do you want me to cut you with my knife. I hated living in that kind of crap. When I was fourteen this guy Glen who went to our church, who was seven years older than me asked my mother one day if he could bring me and my brother home from church. She said ok. Glen wanted to know if me and Paul could start riding with him to church. It seemed ok and I thought it was cool to ride with some one other than my mother. Glen then wanted to know if we could start going out which seemed ok because Paul was always with us. He then started picking us up from school. I thought this was great not having to ride the bus home and what ever I wanted he would get it for me. I had no clue I would have to pay a price for that. He is the one who got Paul and I started smoking cigarettes. I thought I was doing something big smoking. He would take us to his house to play pool. I didn't have a problem going out with him because it give me away to get away from Darriel and all his crap from my house. He started fondling me and one day he sodomized me in the same room that my older brother raped me. Sometimes I wonder why things had to be like this. I have always been afraid of Darriel scents he molested me as a child. My biggest fear of him is that he will try to hurt me again scents I have started talking about what he did to me. All of the sexual abuse I went through has shot my self-confidence to heck and back. Sometimes I feel like crying or screaming because I get so sick of all the aggravating things that I have been through and have had to put up with. I feel writing is a good way to just get things off my mind that bothers me and Darriel is something that bothers me bad. Darriel has been in and out of mental hospitals and jail countless times for drugs and theft and it seems that no one wants to keep him because he isn't bad enough. He can sign himself out of these places and keep doing the drugs and stealing and it seems the law just doesn't care. March 31, 2003 Darriel got kicked out of Spalding County the county he was living in and has been staying with my sister Sandra who lives directly behind me. I live on an easement, this means that 3 different houses use the same driveway entrance and it is my property that is the first house that they have to come down by to get to their house. By him walking down to Sandra's and him walking up and down my driveway and in my yard I am reminded on a constant basis of him raping me as a child and all the other disgusting things he did to me and getting away with it. The driveway is only about 10 to 15 feet away from my front door and when I open the door to go out somewhere I don't want to see him starring at me. He makes me very uncomfortable. I really feel he could kill some one and get away with that too. He killed my cat after I told my mother what he had done to me. I went out of town and my dad told me that Darriel drowned my cat. You hear people talking about we need to break the silence but it seems to me that every one is still ashamed to talk about it. I think if people were aware of the help they could get than they just might be willing to come forward and get the help they need instead of suffering with depression or contemplating suicide. Because of the trauma of the sexual abuse I went through I was scared to go anywhere alone. I am in counseling and have to take medicine for depression and anxiety because of the sexual abuse and this is so unfair to have to see Darriel and be reminded on a constant basis of what he did to me. Darriel has been seen at the soccer field by three different people that I know and it worries me that he would be there and children are there not realizing the potential danger they are in of being molested by this pedophile. The laws need to be changed or made stiffer. We need to do away with the statue of limitation for victims of childhood sexual assault and sexual assault. Why should the perpetrators be able to lay their head down at night and get a peaceful sleep? I have been told my statues of limitation have run out and there is nothing I can do except move and right now I can't afford to move. Being sexually assaulted affects the rest of your life. The mental cruelty that I have to go through because I am reminded of the sexual abuse I went through with him is not fair to me at all. Darriel was found guilty of trespass in 1997 for coming on to my property repeatedly after being told to stay away. If you check his criminal history he has been charged with a lot. People feel sorry for him now because he has been in carbinmonoxide poison and they think he is mentally retarded or something because it affected his speech so he talks with a heavy slur. He uses that to do his criminal acts and gets away with it. He never has been charged as a sexual offender. I know that I'm not the only one he did this too. My older sister Wanda said he would fondle her all the time. My sister Renee got married when she was 15 years old. I asked her if he had molested her and she said she don't remember. I told her you were very young when you got married is that why. She said again I don't remember. I don't know what to do. I just want him put somewhere that he want hurt an innocent child ever again. I don't think this is too much to ask. What is it going to take for some one to help? I have been told repeatedly by most all the sexual violence and domestic violence people that I'm sorry there is nothing you can do unless you are violate again in some way then call us back. That is really crazy. The statue of limitations really needs to be done away with. It takes people who have been assaulted and that have been threatened to keep silent about the abuse they went through a very long time to come to terms with the matter. Why should we have a limited time to get something done to our perpetrators and they can keep going and doing the same things and get away with it. We should be allowed to voice what happened to us when we find the courage to no longer be afraid and we have enough support to help us make it through our healing. I'm not sure if I will ever not be afraid of Darriel. He is a very sick person. I am in the healing process now and I am 34 years old. I'm not sure if you can ever get it all told because it is so much. I had totally blanked out a lot of my abuse but sense I have been seeing a counselor I have remembered a lot more things about all the abuse I went through. I said to myself I don't want to remember anymore because I remembered that I had been fondled by two more people and I said I hope this is it. It is good to get it all out even though it doesn't feel so great at the time. I have blamed myself, I have been ashamed of myself, angry all the time, I've inflected pain upon myself by cutting my arm and doing other things to try to relieve the hurt I felt inside, I've cried countless tears for years and I still cry. I have been going to a support group for victims of childhood sexual assault for about 3 months now. The healing process is not going to be easy but, I am willing to do what ever it takes to move through my journey to heal. I feel I have come a long way sense that first day I went to see my counselor. I am thankful that God put my best friend Kimberly in my life. She has stuck by my side through some of the most roughest times. She has given me a lot of encouraging words and has been very supportive. I know my faith in God has helped me make it to this point in my life. I am thankful for my husband for always standing up to my family for me. He is the first person to confront my family about Darriel abusing me. My wish is that maybe my story will help someone who needs the encouragement to start in their own healing and I hope and pray that Darriel will never hurt another child again. He has been locked up for trespassing on my property again. His court date was set for July 7,2003. He got himself a court appointed attorney and they are taking this to a jury trial. It will probably be September before it goes to trial. I'm trying to stay focused on the positive things and not give that anymore thought.
I have recently created a website for survivors of incest/sexual assault. I find it to be healing for me as well as helping other. Thanks for listening.