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Everyone i told wasn't supportive (Read 2521 times)
mia
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Everyone i told wasn't supportive
May 6th, 2012 at 12:53pm
 
I decided to tell my story here because at least here i think i'll get some support.

When I was 16, I got molested by my grandfather on 3 separate occasions. I feel kind of stupid for telling my story because compared to other people's stories of rape, mine seems to pale.

My grandfather used to be one of the 3 people that I genuinely trusted and loved, but after he abused me I lost my trust in every person in my life. The first time he touched me I was completely unaware that what he was doing was wrong. I t wasn't until later that night that I realised that he had molested me. At the time I thought that he was just hugging me (I was slightly alarmed at how long he had held me, but I just thought that he was upset) but somewhere it registered in my mind that his hands were wandering down to my bottom. I put that out of my mind and tried to move on, but I now became wary of him. I didn't tell anyone about it because I was scared they'd think that I was stupid and that it was a simple misunderstanding.

The second time he did it was a few weeks later. My mum had sent me to the kitchen in my aunt's house to get my cousin a drink. I didn't realize that he'd walked in behind me. Rather roughly he pulled me into his arms again, and terrified/frozen, I did nothing to stop him or try to get away from him. This time it lasted longer and I felt him push his body against mine and pull me tight against him. I heard him groan and, whilst he was rubbing himself against me, my mum called for me and started making her way down to the kitchen. My grandfather pushed me away just before my mum came in. In shock, I made my way to the living room and tried to keep my emotions in check but i think my face betrayed me because my aunt asked me if i was alright. i assured her that I was fine, but inside I knew that i would never be alright. My grandfather had just molested me for the second time.

After many attempts at avoiding my grandfather, I was finally forced into visiting him a few weeks later. My mum went upstairs with my aunt and grandmother, leaving me with my grandfather and my two younger brothers. My grandfather asked me to make him a cup of tea, which i was reluctant to do as it would mean being alone. Nevertheless, I went to make it for him. Before I'd even made it He had come into the kitchen, shutting the door behind him. I was so terrified but I couldn't seem to move. I knew it was going to happen and I hated that I was just going to accept it. He held me against him (more roughly than he ever had) and pushed me against the table top. I could feel his entire body on top of mine and I felt so powerless. I could have pushed him away and as I was thinking about crying out for help, he said "Everyone's upstairs. No one's going to hear you". He finally stopped when he heard my uncle making his way towards the kitchen and left the room. Shaking and on the edge of a breakdown, I managed to make it into the same room as my brothers and then I started crying and told the oldest of my younger brothers what my grandad had done to me. He called for my mum to come down and after I had told her, she had accused me of lying and fabricating it up. I closed myself off from her that day and went into an emotional decline.

Two weeks later, whilst at school, my cousin had told me that my grandfather had done the exact same thing to her older sister and that was when i told her that he'd molested me too. My cousin is really immature and so she just made jokes and changed the subject. When i got home i told my mum what i'd been told and instead of supporting me, she told me to keep it quiet and not tell my dad because he would go crazy and beat my grandfather up and then disown him. I hated her so much! She'd just been told that her father had molested her daughter and all she cared about was protecting him!

I pretended that everything was alright, even going to his home (reluctantly, but i was forced to.)  At a dinner party, i don't know why, but i just broke down and started crying. my aunt took me out of the house and asked me what was wrong. i told her, and for a while it seemed like i had finally gotten some support, but then she started making excuses for him- "he's an old man, they do crazy stuff when they get older"- like it would ever excuse what he had done! she told some other family members and they'd all shouted at him, but nothing else was done. I never got a proper apology off him, he was never punished and everyone just expected me to move on.

2 years later and my life is still a mess. I can't seem to move on. I've read advice about moving on but it hasn't helped. Life is not beautiful for me, it is bleak and it always will be.
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Ty
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Re: Everyone i told wasn't supportive
Reply #1 - May 14th, 2012 at 9:05pm
 
Dear Mia,

My heart just breaks as I read your experiences. Please know that what you are feeling is valid. I often think what you have thought 'it wasn't rape' or 'why didn't I do something...I could have called out for help'. Mia, this IS NOT your fault, this is NOT anything that you asked for, and it is NOT something that should have ever have happened to you. This has effected you deeply, and that means that it WAS inappropriate, it WAS violating, and it WAS something that people in your family should have protected you from.

I honestly don't know why people choose not to see what is right before their eyes. Why they choose to continue in unhealthy relationships that clearly are destructive. When children are involved, or even older family members....damage is damage. It is sick, and it is wrong. My heart truly goes out to you.

Mia, I know that it must feel as if you will not ever see the sun shine again, or know what it means to be loved safely, or feel as if anyone really cares....but, I hope that you can hear me when I say that there is light at the end of this tunnel. You can pull through this. You have taken a step...you have given voice to your pain and anguish. You are recognizing that you have value and that your pain is real...and that you want people to see that. I see that, Mia. Your pain is real, and as ugly as it is to look at...it is necessary in order to find healing.

I admire you for taking the step, and sharing here. This is a safe place, and there are longtime members who check in every once in awhile. I hope that this brings some hope to your heart...that those who used to be here often have found peace within their own lives, within their own pain. This quietness of this board, I feel, is a testiment to where you can be...and that healing is possible.

Mia, please know that you are not alone. I hope you see this message, although I am over a week in seeing it. I am thinking of you...and I am hoping that you are doing okay. Please know that you deserve healing, and that it is there....you just need to continue taking one step at a time in that direction....and you have already taken one of the hardest steps....

I'll check in again, and hope that I haven't missed you....

Thinking of you,
Ty
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