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Missing all of you ~ and some news..... (Read 2784 times)
Super Bear

Posts: 2909
Gender: female
Missing all of you ~ and some news.....
May 6th, 2011 at 11:04am
I have really missed this site!  For years we had such a great support group ~ thanks to Ty and Allan!!  Plus all of the survivors were close.  Just stopping by with some news.  It's Mother's Day weekend and I'm feeling kind of sad.  I won't be spending the day with my mom for the first time ever.  I may never see her again.  I'm just trying to figure it all out right now.  I'm taking my family to an amusement park and I will have a good time for ME!!! 

This is my news...
A month ago, my mom sent me an email telling me that my brother would be getting out of jail (there for 22 years for child molestation and then kept going back in and out for DWI's) in September and for us to make other plans for Thanksgiving and Christmas because she wouldn't be leaving him alone on those days.  I told her six years ago that I won't be around him anymore for personal reasons and that he did a lot of damage to me.  After her email, it made me mad because I felt like she was manipulating me into seeing him again.  Kind of like emotional blackmail ~ if you want to see me for the holidays then you have to be around your brother.  Below is  my email to her and her two emails to  me.  I waited 2 weeks to email her.  I had my therapist, husband and female pastor proof it for me and they all liked it.  My pastor said that I was telling the truth in love and that is what God wants us to do.  I was so mad at my mom's responses to my email that I haven't talked to her or emailed her back.  Here are the emails...

Here is mine ~

I wanted to share my feelings about the two emails you sent regarding Pete getting out of jail and your holiday plans.  I am not sure why you emailed me in April (way ahead of the holidays). I felt like maybe you wanted me to change my mind about being around Pete or something.  Maybe that was not your intention but that's what it felt like.  I have been a really good daughter.  I've done everything I could to make you happy throughout the years.  However, as a child, Pete got a lot of attention because he was always getting into trouble. HE is the one that did things that put him in jail ~ not me.  Together as a family we decided not to be around Pete.  Not because he was in jail, but because he hurt me beyond the "normal" sibling rivalry.  I know you believe that he is not a child molester but I believe he is.  When I was growing up, Pete beat me up, tried to drown me, tried to smother me with a pillow and even stabbed me.  After coming home from the army, he raped me.  It was very traumatic to me and I felt like maybe I was to blame. Pete always threatened me not to tell when he did things to me.  Not only was I afraid to tell y'all, I didn't want y'all to be upset.  When you said that you wouldn't be leaving Pete during the holidays and for us to make other plans, it really hurt me because I felt like once again you chose Pete over me.  I realize he took a lot of time and attention because of his behavior.  I understand that he is your son and that you love him, but I am also your daughter.  I made good decisions in my life for ME and for my family.  I also know that you can't just leave Pete alone during the holidays ~ but we could have made alternative plans.  Instead you just told us to make other plans without giving other options.

Here is my mom's first email ~
I did not know any of that because you did not tell me And that is just one more thing that you did not confide in Me about.  You said it hurt you that I said I was not going to leave Him during the holidays, but I felt like that I have done a lot For you and your family and you could spend 2 hours twice a year
With the whole family.  Again since you did not confide in Me except to say Pete was mean to you.  How was I to know. I always thought we had a great relationship and I found out That you had an eating disorder 30 years after the fact and You told me this about Pete raping you also 30 years after the fact. As to Pete putting a pillow over your head and beating you up.  My brother did those things to me too and said if I told he would Beat me up again.  I am flabbergasted to find out that we did not Have a good relationship like I thought again!  You always share Your feelings with me by email instead of talking to me.  I very Seldom have ever lost my temper with you when you tell me things. (THAT IS A LIE ~ she rages out of control all the time so she is not safe to me) Not sure what it takes for you To be honest with me, but I share your hurt feelings.  I never Cared if you liked Pete or wanted to be around him.  I just wanted My family to be together to eat a meal, but if you don't want To do that is fine.  I did not choose you over Pete I have spent

Every Christmas with you, your whole life.  I even gave Janet and Charles the first choice and they still got As much credit as me. Your right Pete Made his choices but you have a family that loves you, he has No one but me.

Her 2nd email ~

I know you thought you were protecting me, but Pete maybe could have gotten psychiatric
Help before all the bad things came about.  In any case it has happened and we can't change it
Now.  Not sure why you never trusted me.  I am glad you have found happiness and sorry that
You went through what you did.  It's funny that I thought I had done a good job with at least
One of my kids and now I find out I was a failure in every way.

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At some point, you have to make a decision.Boundaries don't keep other people out.They fence you in.Life is messy.That's how we're made.So,you can waste your lives drawing lines.Or you can live your l
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Protector Bear

Posts: 847
Eastern Oregon
Gender: female
Re: Missing all of you ~ and some news.....
Reply #1 - May 6th, 2011 at 3:22pm
You are so amazing to me. I have to tell you that first and foremost....
I am in such admiration of the strength and truth that you are embracing. I felt it throughout your email, and cannot imagine anything more appropriate.

Your mom's repsonses, to me, seem to be passing the blame and guilt off on you...even for her own feelings. I am glad that you are going to take the time, for you, on Mother's day....and spend it surrounding yourself with those who love and respect you. It also seems appropriate that you might be able to get some screaming out on those rides *grin*

I can tell that you know in your heart that you are not to blame. You are such a strong person, and prayerfully your mom will one day come to know you as that....and will understand your heart and she will come to understand her own. Until then....know how very much I admire you in taking a stand for you Shocked)

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