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the next stage (Read 1994 times)
ciaro
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Bearing through it!

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the next stage
Oct 15th, 2010 at 6:29pm
 
Hi,
I'm almost embarrassed to come here after so long and just write, but I need to be somewhere so hope here is ok!
Where to begin...
I always struggle with my belief in myself, in my sense of myself as an individual. I have memories that don't seem real, that may seem real for an instance as if the memory is my current reality not a past recall and then its gone, its not real, its someone else, its made up etc. Does that make sense.
Mostly, the closest I've ever got to recall is remembering things around the event, a smell, a colour a feeling, floating above looking down at some one else, but its never me.
Well, that seems to have changed and suddenly changed. And I'm overwhelmed. The last two, three weeks in therapy (yes I'm still in weekly therapy all these years later) have been different and I'm suddenly talking again about an event I thought I was done with. On Tuesday I suddenly could fill in the gaps. I remembered what my brother did to me. I suddenly could see the face of the other person in the room, could hear his voice. I knew it was the past, a memory. I remember how I felt ... numb, stunned, an out of body experience. I was horrified. I can't get my head around the fact that anyone would want to do such things to any individual, let alone that it happened to me. 
Strangely, after my session I initially felt euphoric, but now I have plummeted.  I don't want it to be real, I can't connect it to me, can't connect it to the  two people in the room. But, strangely I had a sense of that child being raped as me. It was me, but its not me. That couldn't have happened to me.
Do I make sense.  I'm not even re-reading what I'm writing. Its just writing itself. Is this real? Is this me, did it happen to me? What now. Its too much to absorb, to let in. I want to scream, to shout and to curl up and hide all at the same time. I want to be angry at them, but I'm too stunned to feel anything, yet I feel crap. I'm not used to feeling,maybe that's it. Is this what real is? I dont know.  If it is, I don't like it. My parting words to my therapist was that he (my brother) brought others in to the room, there were more, at different times.That can't be right. It just can't have happened to me.
This recent memory is made all the more disturbing by the fact that I know my mother was in the house at the time.  She knew we were in his bedroom
How could she not have known what was happening, what happened to me....?
Thanks for listening, for reading.
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