Bearing Through It
   
  HomeHelpSearchLoginRegister  
 
Page Index Toggle Pages: 1
Send Topic Print
back again (Read 4086 times)
Hope
Share Bear
***
Offline



Posts: 239
Journeying...
Gender: female
back again
Aug 10th, 2010 at 5:17pm
 
I haven't been here for years and by the looks of it neither has anyone else. Thanks Ty for keeping the site up and running though. Even thought no one is "here" it's nice to have a safe place to come back to. I was doing really well... so well that I thought I was over it. Haha I've just learned that things have a tendency to go to the back burner long enough for life to resume and then have all the ugliness come back. I'm kind of through the shock and rage and most of the anger (I think... haha at myself again as life will probably say "and you thought you were done with that") Here lately I've been grieving what I have lost. I'm 33 and I can't have a relationship. I'll probably never marry, I'll probably never have children. All of those things were taken from me. I've been struggling with those feelings for a while now. Last night the sh!t really hit the fan... ***possible triggers*** I discovered that my landlord is a registered sexual predator. He was 34 and she was 9. I researched it as extensively as I could. The things he did to her are some of the things that happened to me. Some of the things that I know hold me back from being able to lead a normal life. I've worked so hard to rid my life of abusers and now as I sit here I find that once again I live in an abusers house. The other tenant was upset but doesn't seem to be affected like I am. I was told "it's disgusting, but you aren't in danger so it's not worth moving for" I've told a few friend of the landlord situation (friends who do not know that I am survivor) and their response was similar. I am so torn. And heartbroken. And disgusted. I had nightmares all night. I've worked so hard to create a safe home for myself and ironically I'm finding myself paying an abuser money every month so I can stay here. I'm sorry if I'm rambling. I've been carrying all of this for about a day with no one to really express it to. By the looks of the board, I'm still expressing it to no one, but at least I feel safe here. And there is an off chance that someone who relates in some respect will read this and understand. Or advise. I've pretty much exhausted the rental market in the town I live in. I've rented for 15 years and the places I can afford in safe areas I've either rejected or lived in. I can't afford to buy. I don't know what to do. There are no children in the building thankfully. But that doesn't change who is he, what I know or what I have been through. Any and all help is appreciated. If no one reads this, at least I had a safe place to get it out. 
Back to top
 

"all who wander are not lost. . ."&&&&don't know who said it, but i like it.
 
IP Logged
 
Hope
Share Bear
***
Offline



Posts: 239
Journeying...
Gender: female
Re: back again
Reply #1 - Aug 13th, 2010 at 8:01pm
 
**rant, possible triggers**

Ugh... I just typed out a long message and then like a moron opened another site in this window and BAM... lost it.
I don't have the time or the energy to try to recreate so I will just summarize. ... I don't understand how a woman could give a convicted sexual predator the benefit of doubt saying "some situations are turned into more than what they are" This woman knows all of the facts of the case. The scumbag abuser blamed a nine year old for what happened (didn't deny it, mind you, blamed a nine year old for abuse that lasted over a year... not just a one time event) and then did not attempt to overturn his conviction. Why would an truly innocent man accept the stigma of being labled a sexual predator and having to register for life if he was truly falsely accused? I would appeal it until I was destitute or dead or both. It took everything I had to respond with "I dont' want to discuss this with you anymore" as opposed to saying "complacency like yours is the reason that abusers get away with hurting children" Omg.... I'm just sick. And I need to get off comp b/c of lightning. Sigh... I just don't know what to think. Or what to do. I'll be back. Even if I just keep writing to myself.
Back to top
 

"all who wander are not lost. . ."&&&&don't know who said it, but i like it.
 
IP Logged
 
Hope
Share Bear
***
Offline



Posts: 239
Journeying...
Gender: female
Re: back again
Reply #2 - Aug 19th, 2010 at 9:00pm
 
Hi hope, it's hope. Well hello hope... lol.. it appears I am truly writing to myself. Maybe I should just start an online journal? idk.... anyway.... last night I called a friend and talked about my rationalizations for staying in my apartment. my first rationalization was 1) - I don't have kids. If I stay here, I can guarantee that this unit does not have kids in it and I will warn anyone who moves in that has children. rationalization 2) this creepzoid has kids. nothing I can do about that. his "construction" business is failing miserably. while I don't enjoy the thought of my rent money going to a sex offender, I can tell myself that it is keeping food on the kids table. rationalization 3) ... and maybe the worst one of all.... anytime I move I take the risk that my landlord could be a freak. at least I know what I am dealing with here. ohmygosh how horrible of a person does that make me? so afer talking it thru briefly with a friend who does understand what I am going thru to the best of his male-never-been-abused perspective, I decided that I could stay here. not indefinitely but at least until I find a place that I am truly comfortable moving to.
today el creepo was supposed to recaulk my bathtub. yesterday I gave a lot of thought to whether I wanted to be here or not. I decided I would run errands with a "I'll be in and out" note on the door so that he wouldn't feel like he was going to have too much unsupervised time in my apt. I realize that due to my age and his rating on the slime-scale that he likely has no interest in me.... however once your privacy and boundaries have been violated it's difficult to let that go... esp when faced with a known creep. I couldn't sleep last night. I woke up like every 10 minutes for hours. Finally I took my first xanax in months and ended up waking about 45 mins before he was due to arrive. I taped a note on the door apologizing for not feeling well and asked him to schedule another appt.
so... last night staying here seemed like something I could manage. today I am not so sure. I don't think I could be face to face with him without vomiting or telling him that I know exactly what he is. I don't want him to be alone in my apartment because I know exactly what he is.
sigh.... hoping I either: find a place that meets my needs that I can afford, that he sells the building to a non creepoid, or that I can manage to get thru this repair and that nothing else breaks for like a year.
nice talking to you again hope. nice talking to you too.
lol... I'm not really crazy but I gotta have fun with fact that I am carrying on this conversation alone on a message board Smiley
Back to top
 

"all who wander are not lost. . ."&&&&don't know who said it, but i like it.
 
IP Logged
 
Patience
Baby Bear
*
Offline


Bearing through it!

Posts: 25
Re: back again
Reply #3 - Sep 2nd, 2010 at 10:01am
 
Hi Hope,
I too have not been on here for a long time but really felt I wanted to acknowledge your post and give you some feedback.
First of all, I think you are an amazing person to be coping so well with this situation. There is no way I would cope as well as you seem to be!
It must be horrible to feel you have to rationalise where you live. You have created a home and now that peace has been destroyed. I do think it is a good idea to try and find somewhere else to live for your own sanity.
It is not your responsibility to keep an eye on what he gets up to, but like you said, maybe you could warn whoever moves in next.
Take your time though. Don't rush things.
It is so unfair that people like him get to live normal lives.
My own abuser (my father) got away with it for years but he is finally in prison now, where he belongs. We can only hope that eventually this miserable excuse for a man will get his comuppance too.
I haven't really said anything that helps but I hope at least you don't feel alone on the boards anymore.
I have not been on here for a long time because I have been dealing with anorexia so have been using eating disorder message boards alot.

Well, bye for now and take good care of yourself Hope.

Safe Hugs

Patience.xxx
Back to top
 
 
IP Logged
 
Mandi
Super Bear
*****
Offline



Posts: 2909
Texas
Gender: female
Re: back again
Reply #4 - Sep 20th, 2010 at 11:57am
 
Hey Hope!  Good to see you here again!  I have really missed everybody.  Sorry you were kind of talking to yourself.  If I knew you were online I would have popped in to respond.  I don't really check in that much because nobody is even here anymore.  Some of the "oldies" are on facebook together.  That's a cool way to keep in touch.  I have a place in my heart for you and all the others on this board. 

Well I can certainly understand why you would be upset about this guy being a child sex offender.  I wouldn't want to be there either.  I would just wait until I found a way out.  It would totally freak me out.  But it looks like you've decided to stay.  Nobody can truly understand how a survivor feels unless you've been through something similar.  I also believe that you are capable of being in a relationship, marriage and having kids.  It has to be something that you want to happen though.  Then you can work towards that.  It's not easy ~ I understand.  But it can happen.  You can find somebody that loves you for YOU and totally supports you.  My daughter recently married in April.  She has bipolar disorder and has had a hard time finding somebody who could put up with her mood swings for very long.  She finally found the man that loves her just as she is.  He knows and understands her disorders and loves her anyway.  He's awesome!  I think she felt like you do.  That nobody could put up with all that goes on in her life.  I'm just saying it could happen.  Well ~ it was good to see you here.  I will check in a little more just in case you come back.  Good to see you too Patience!!  Smiley
Back to top
 

At some point, you have to make a decision.Boundaries don't keep other people out.They fence you in.Life is messy.That's how we're made.So,you can waste your lives drawing lines.Or you can live your l
 
IP Logged
 
Page Index Toggle Pages: 1
Send Topic Print


Bearing Through It HomePage