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Anger brought to the forefront unexpectedly (Read 3096 times)
Tracey
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Anger brought to the forefront unexpectedly
Jan 6th, 2010 at 4:08pm
 
When times get tough and challenging this is where I always come back to; albeit a little quiet here, it the safe place I found 6/7 years ago.  It's my place where I feel free to say what I need to say freely without judgement.

I'm doing very well generally and don't see my T anymore and haven't since June '09.

On 15th October 2009, my mother had a fall at home (under the influence of drink) and broke both her legs.  She is still in hospital today.

The benefits have been that we got to have Christmas Day at home, just the four of us for the first time in 15 years and it was wonderful and stress-free.

The draw-backs have been my mother's demands on me.  Normally, I would visit once every other week out of "duty" as she is alone.  Now, I have to do the washing of her clothes and as she doesn't have anyone else visit her, I have felt sorry for her and gone every other day.

She has been manipluating and lying to me.  Deep down, I knew I was doing wrong and yet, like a little child, I did "as I was told to do" for fear of umm upsetting her I guess and the consequences of that in the past; both verbally, physically and emotionally.

She told me she was allowed to have the 'odd glass of wine' in hospital and asked me to get the mini bottles of wine.  Her orders have got increasingly more and more as the weeks have gone on.

This week, I finally queried it with the nurses and they said they had not said she was allowed to and were unaware of the fact, especially as she is on sleeping tablets at night.

I told my mother this last night and she said to continue to do it without them knowing.  Alarm bells for me finally and I said No.  She looked at me in the way she used to and I knew a 'wack' was on it's way and left.

It's not just this incident that's got my anger building up, it's the fact that I have to do it all.  The visiting, her shopping, her errands, check out her home, etc.  What does my brother (my abuser) do - nothing.

I resent the fact that he did all the wrong things, ruined my childhood and yet gets away with that and all that is still to come with our mother.  I don't have any attachment to our mother or even like her behaviour (I'm taught through therapy to say that, yet I don't like her).

The resentment I feel is unbelievable and anger is overwhelming.  My brother did the wrong, goes off to London and never talks to her / never does anything, and I did right and get stuck with her and all that goes with looking after her.

For the first time in 14 months, I've been contemplating old coping methods to make all this anger go away and reality go away.  I look at the scars on my arm and think "please, no more" and then don't know what to do with all this resentment against my brother and mother.  I truly hate them both for past and current day situations and events.

I won't display anger and don't know how.  My experience and beliefs are that outwardly shown anger = a big physical hit for me.  I won't hit anyone or anything.  The thought of doing such a thing makes me want to curl and hide away behind a chair.

How do you cope with anger emotions when you've seen anger displayed in such a violent manner?  I accept I have these anger emotions and yet the only way I know how to deal with them is to take them out against myself instead of anyone else.

I never did anger in therapy, a fact I'm aware I would never cover.

T

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Ty
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Re: Anger brought to the forefront unexpectedly
Reply #1 - Jan 11th, 2010 at 12:48am
 
Hey Tracey!

I can't tell you how much I admire your courage and strength...determination and desire to continue to grow and heal.
I don't blame you at all for being angry...you have every right to be. I am glad to know that you recognize bad vs. good ways of dealing with anger. From what it sounds like, you don't experience anger very often...so when it comes you aren't quite sure how to deal with it. I am a lot like that too...so I can respect that. Screaming helps Smiley And talking (or writing...and then reading what you wrote). Having someone listen to you helps a lot. Writing words on styrofoam or paper cups (like 'mom' or 'my brother' or 'alcohol') and stomping on them with a yell or shout helps (that is courtesy of SARK...you should check out her 'living juicy' book...very good Smiley ). Not sure if any of these methods will help you, but I have found them helpful...especially the venting (which sometimes can make it worse, depending who I am venting too).

I wanted to tell you, also, how being angry is so valid...because essentially you are being used by your mother...and being used and recognizing this is at the base of our abuse. You have a right to say 'no' to your mom...it does not mean that you do not love her or want to help her....in fact, saying 'no' is actually showing more love to her (although she may not see it).
I admire and respect your desire to help your mom...just know that you do not have to sacrifice yourself in the process. You are a caring and compassionate individual....and saying 'no' will not change that.

Tracey....I can't tell you how glad I am that you know you can come here....anytime. I wish I would have seen this post a few days ago...instead of four (?) days later. Hopefully you will get my response. Above all, I hope you know that you are not walking alone.

Embrace the anger....and then let it out. You are worth the every syllable that you need to express in this moment of anger...and you are worth the freedom from it's grasp.

Safe hugs to you,
Ty
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Tracey
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We grow stronger through
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Posts: 349
United Kingdom
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Re: Anger brought to the forefront unexpectedly
Reply #2 - Jan 12th, 2010 at 3:56pm
 
Hi Ty,

I know when I came here, it's quiet.  It was my place to write down the words of anger that I don't have anyone to listen to me.

Anger frightens me so much and reading what you wrote that I don't do it much, that when it happens, it is true that I don't know how to handle it.

Writing is my salvation and I do write things down and it helps me.

Saying "No" ... ummm .... a hard one.  A lesson valuable to both me and others; yet no in the past has meant either silence and being ignored or a hit.  What is it like to experience a response to "No" that is OK?  History is repeating itself where I say "No" to our daughter and she hits me back.  Where has that come from, when she has not been disciplined in that way by either of us?

I know I'll get there.  I know my mother will heal in the long run and that the emotions I'm feeling will pass.

Coming here helps, if only to be able to write.

Thanks.

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