When times get tough and challenging this is where I always come back to; albeit a little quiet here, it the safe place I found 6/7 years ago.  It's my place where I feel free to say what I need to say freely without judgement.

I'm doing very well generally and don't see my T anymore and haven't since June '09.

On 15th October 2009, my mother had a fall at home (under the influence of drink) and broke both her legs.  She is still in hospital today.

The benefits have been that we got to have Christmas Day at home, just the four of us for the first time in 15 years and it was wonderful and stress-free.

The draw-backs have been my mother's demands on me.  Normally, I would visit once every other week out of "duty" as she is alone.  Now, I have to do the washing of her clothes and as she doesn't have anyone else visit her, I have felt sorry for her and gone every other day.

She has been manipluating and lying to me.  Deep down, I knew I was doing wrong and yet, like a little child, I did "as I was told to do" for fear of umm upsetting her I guess and the consequences of that in the past; both verbally, physically and emotionally.

She told me she was allowed to have the 'odd glass of wine' in hospital and asked me to get the mini bottles of wine.  Her orders have got increasingly more and more as the weeks have gone on.

This week, I finally queried it with the nurses and they said they had not said she was allowed to and were unaware of the fact, especially as she is on sleeping tablets at night.

I told my mother this last night and she said to continue to do it without them knowing.  Alarm bells for me finally and I said No.  She looked at me in the way she used to and I knew a 'wack' was on it's way and left.

It's not just this incident that's got my anger building up, it's the fact that I have to do it all.  The visiting, her shopping, her errands, check out her home, etc.  What does my brother (my abuser) do - nothing.

I resent the fact that he did all the wrong things, ruined my childhood and yet gets away with that and all that is still to come with our mother.  I don't have any attachment to our mother or even like her behaviour (I'm taught through therapy to say that, yet I don't like her).

The resentment I feel is unbelievable and anger is overwhelming.  My brother did the wrong, goes off to London and never talks to her / never does anything, and I did right and get stuck with her and all that goes with looking after her.

For the first time in 14 months, I've been contemplating old coping methods to make all this anger go away and reality go away.  I look at the scars on my arm and think "please, no more" and then don't know what to do with all this resentment against my brother and mother.  I truly hate them both for past and current day situations and events.

I won't display anger and don't know how.  My experience and beliefs are that outwardly shown anger = a big physical hit for me.  I won't hit anyone or anything.  The thought of doing such a thing makes me want to curl and hide away behind a chair.

How do you cope with anger emotions when you've seen anger displayed in such a violent manner?  I accept I have these anger emotions and yet the only way I know how to deal with them is to take them out against myself instead of anyone else.

I never did anger in therapy, a fact I'm aware I would never cover.

T

Hi Ty,

I know when I came here, it's quiet.  It was my place to write down the words of anger that I don't have anyone to listen to me.

Anger frightens me so much and reading what you wrote that I don't do it much, that when it happens, it is true that I don't know how to handle it.

Writing is my salvation and I do write things down and it helps me.

Saying "No" ... ummm .... a hard one.  A lesson valuable to both me and others; yet no in the past has meant either silence and being ignored or a hit.  What is it like to experience a response to "No" that is OK?  History is repeating itself where I say "No" to our daughter and she hits me back.  Where has that come from, when she has not been disciplined in that way by either of us?

I know I'll get there.  I know my mother will heal in the long run and that the emotions I'm feeling will pass.

Coming here helps, if only to be able to write.

Thanks.