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endless work (Read 3543 times)
ciaro
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endless work
Feb 23rd, 2009 at 3:46pm
 
Hi, I didn't know what to title this port. I don't even know what to write really.  I'm just struggling and need to reach out to someome.  Mind you its so eerily  quiet around here, I feel I'm reaching into space.
Anyway......
What I am struggling with??  With the endlessness of trying to heal, of trying to do the right thing, of trying to let go, of trying to process memories.  And I am so tired of it all and just want to give up.  I want to stop counselling and am not sure why, yet panic at the thought of being alone.  I am just so tired and want to curl up.  I've so lost with the enormity of it all and don't even know what it is I want anymore.  I want healing I suppose.  I work towards healing, but it doesn't come.  Or would I even recognise it if it hit me in the face, I wonder.  I don't want to be like this, yet this is how I've always been, I don't know anything else.  I don't know how else to be, how to change. 
Its hard for me to accept the reality that I was abused, that it have impacted my life, all of my life and I will have to find a way to live with that knowledge, inspite of that reality.  I'm drowning in the enormity of that task and don't know if I have it in me to rise to the challenge.
It gets harder and harder to balance my everyday life of work, being responsible and putting myself out there into the world and the turmoil of my inner world, of my self loathing.  I don't want the responsibility of my everyday life.  i want to be left alone to wallow in it all.  I am not strong enough to keep going. 
I don't want to feel anymore.  It is too hard.  I can make myself numb sometimes, then the emotions wash over me like a tidal wave, the anger. The anger is more than I can deal with.....And the sadness.  It is dragging me down  Embarrassed
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I am always more than my struggles
 
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Tracey
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Re: endless work
Reply #1 - Feb 24th, 2009 at 4:41pm
 
Hi Ciaro,

Are you able to think of a time when there was a feeling of lightness and joy, maybe on a recent holiday when walking on the beach, all wrapped up with the sun shining?  In the times where things feel overwhelming, recall such memories as they are the recent ones and the ones which you choose to do.

It helps me to think of such events that are recent and have given me joy and it's taken some time to adjust to knowing what joy and freeness feels like, as I never knew or didn't allow myself to experience in anytime that they might have occurred.

Things and emotions can tend to snowball and get bigger and overwhelm us.  Remember take little bits at a time.

The spring is just around the corner.  I notice too that the early dark nights are starting to lift and that's the start of a new year unfolding into lightness.  How's your garden looking; any signs of life sprouting up from the earth yet?  We have lovely snowdrops and they are beautiful.

Take care and I'm for one pleased I've met you here and know how far you have already come!

Tracey
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Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
 
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revenna
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Re: endless work
Reply #2 - Feb 27th, 2009 at 11:29am
 
Ciaro,

I'm so sorry you are struggling.  I know what you mean about feeling tired of it all.  Healing is such hard work!  And I find it terribly difficult to balance healing with everything else that must go on in life.

I believe you are healing.  I believe healing occurs in such small increments, it's hard for us to see it or feel it.  When I look back at where I was a few years ago, I'm amazed at how far I've come.  I see my healing most often in the way I stand up for myself now.  I used to be such a doormat.  It was embarrassing!  Now I know I can take care of myself.  I still don't like to do it, but I am so much more assertive than I used to be.  But if I tried to look for that healing, that change in me, on a day-to-day basis, I would never have seen it.  I believe you are healing, Ciaro, and I hope that you will be able to see visible proof of it soon.

I'm sorry for the anger and sadness you are feeling.  I used to be so terribly angry.  I would go into rages.  It was so hard to feel that way.  I do believe these emotions are not permanent, especially the intensity of them.  I believe that if we can let ourselves feel what we need to feel, that eventually these emotions will be less powerful.

I like Tracey's ideas.  I hope you can find a way to keep on feeling the emotions as they arise, but also, give yourself a break, too.  I think we need both of those things.

Rev
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annie
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Re: endless work
Reply #3 - Nov 7th, 2009 at 8:14am
 
I am sorry about delayed response. I am sorry that you are in pain, I know how you feel. It's hard to accept the truth, but unfortunately we have to, there is no other way to go.
Sometimes after the biggest and darkest depression comes peace, unfortunately depression comes back, but each time it is smaller in intensity. We have our ups and downs in healing process. Two months ago I was thinking about suicide and now I am thinking, why would I do something so terrible to myself because someone who hurt me is an evil person. Someone hurt me, but I won't hurt myself anymore. We have to take care of ourselves like mother takes care of her baby. We have to give oursleves joy, hapiness, encouragement and dignity that was taken away from us. 
I really hope you are feeling better. I am sure it will get better.
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