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Thanks again Tracey for being here. How did the paper mache go?? Well, I've been for a walk, went out to lunch and did some stuff around the house. So I'm doing it. It feels like a dead weight on my shoulders though. It is hard to be back in this place. I thought I had finally moved through this darkness and was going forward. The last session with my T before Christman was very tough and I told her I don't believe her anymore when she said 'this can be worked through'. I feel like I am never going to move beyond this despair. I know part of the problem for me is I don't believe myself or at least I don't want to believe. Most of my memories are a smell, a taste, a touch, a vivid picture of just before and after and blank in the middle, then other times the 'blank in the middle' is as vivid as the words on this screen, yet none of it seems real. I don't feel real. I go through the motions of living, its like watching the events of the day but at a distance, through a pane of glass or something. I'm not really there, yet am full of pain. I am tired of trying. Like you, I always wobble at Christmas. And I suppose this year in particular has been very stressful for a few months running up to December. My mother was in hospital, then my sister was critically ill. So this year I went to my other sisters for three days. My parents and my sister who was ill were also there. It was too much. I did it for my sister. And I'm glad I did and also I know it was not good for me. The family stuff has been really intense. Now I am emotionally and physically exhausted. I wish ther was someone to mind me for a while, though I probably wouldn't let them near me.
Tracey, your support is helping me stay strong. Thank you. I am sorry you too are struggling and yes, together we can get each other through until this passes. We've done it before. Am exhausted so might go for a snooze. Thanks, I'lll check in later if you want to chat
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