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A difficult time (Read 4930 times)
ciaro
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A difficult time
Dec 27th, 2008 at 11:50am
 
HI,
sorry I haven't been around much.  But I have been in the horrors and continue to be.  I recently posted in 'general issues' about something that I thought was a relatively benign issue for me.  The issue itself, a work issue, I know I can resolve in time. The intense reaction to it is another matter entirely.  I am back in a very dark and destructive place, full of flashbacks, body memories, self loathing and self harm.  And I don't know why.  I hate myself so much. I hate being like this. And I am stunned that I am back in such adark place so suddenly. I know I am not helping myself.  I can't change the negative tape in my head spinning round and round.  I am not doing any self help stuff.  I am just overwhelmed by the intensity of emotions and loathing I feel.  The only way I know how to keep this at bay is through self harm.  I have cut myself, though not much.  However, I am obsessively thinking about it.
I suppose the intensity of these feelings are being exacerbated by the stress of Christmas and all the family contact that brings and pretending I'm ok.  (I should have been on stage).
There is so much I wish I could write and share here with you, but I can't stay still in mind or body long enough to do so. 
Thanks for reading

ciaro
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Tracey
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Re: A difficult time
Reply #1 - Dec 28th, 2008 at 5:52am
 
Hi Ciaro,

I read your post this morning and wanted to reply straight away.

Christmas does appear to bring on stress for many and especially where one has to be with some members of their family they might not necessarily choose to be with.  Hopefully family contact and playing happy families will lessen now the big day is over and soon your structure of time with work and seeing your T in the new year will help your distress.

My last session with my T focused on keeping myself safe whilst I have the same thoughts and needs as yourself.  My agreement with her was to do one off a list we did together in this session each day whilst we are not seeing each other.  The list is entitled, things to nourish me.  On that list is to walk my dog every day by myself.  I love being out in the fresh air in the countryside with our dog that gives unconditional love.  The weather here this morning is bright and sunny with a frost on the ground; perfect, sun for me and frost so the dog won't get too muddy in the fields!  What's the weather like over there?  Is your dog up for a little stroll?

Another is to read a book that will too nourish and support me and today is paper-mache day where the kids and I are going to get messy making things.  Even without the kids, it would be something the child in me would want to do.

I know you too have 'positive' lists.  Pick one off your list and hold it in your head and know that there are others around you who are supporting you in addition to your own T.

Believe me, I know it's hard and your post could have been written by me word for word.  I do hope the sun is shining there too and that it shines light into your heart today.

I'll keep checking here and I hope you do get to read this today.

Tracey
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ciaro
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Re: A difficult time
Reply #2 - Dec 28th, 2008 at 6:36am
 
Tracey,
thanks for being here.  It was great to see your post and your support.  I am still feelign the same, though posting last night helped me see that I need to do something before I self destruct completely. So I did a little yoga. I couldn't focus to do the meditative part, but at least I moved.  The weather is similar here  this morning and the dog is crying cos I've been up so long and haven't walked her yet.  So I will do that. 
I'm back to work tomorrow and am dreading it, though you're probably right, the structure might help.  As you probably know the holiday season goes on over here for at least two weeks, so I don't get to see my therapist until the 8th.   I have an option to ring or text her, but just want to give her a break and respect her time off.
I hate beign like this.  I'm also obsessing about death and dying at the moment, though am not suicidal.  Its just there in my head all the time.  I haven't seen my  brother yet this Christmas so am now worrying about that.  Will he call, will he want to know why I didn't make contact with hon etc, etc.  He's probably not thinking of me at all, just happily getting on with his life.  That makes me sick. If I can be like this so suddenly and intensely, I obviously have lots more to remember and process.  Its jus tso unfair.  That sounds like sself pity I know, but that s how I am.
Thanks again for being here.  I hope your strategy with your therapist is hellping you get through also. 
Enjoy the paper  mache with the children and be gentle wtih yourself and I will try and do the same.
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Tracey
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Re: A difficult time
Reply #3 - Dec 28th, 2008 at 7:36am
 
Ciaro,

Hopefully, you'll be walking your dog now  Smiley

I find it hard to judge for myself at what point to contact my T when she offers text or verbal contact through holidays and I am like you with respecting her privacy.  Our Ts would not offer that support unless they meant it and know that it helps keep us grounded and safe.  Please contact her if you are at the point where it is she that you need so she can support you.  A five minute phone contact could save inflicting pain.

It's good to hear that you did some yoga last night - well done.

Concentrate on you and what you want for yourself.  Where it helps, write down privately or here what you really want to say to your brother so you can let it go.  Unfortunately we can't change our brothers whether they know we know or not.  We can get through this ourselves in our own way in our own time and I see you doing that throughout the past years. 

Christmastime is a wobbling time for me too.  The New Year is approaching and I would like to put this wobble behind me and welcome whatever awaits me in 2009.  Let's hold hands and leave these wobbles behind and stay strong until we see our T's on the 8th Jan.

Will be around on and off today, so keep writing if you want and I shall listen and respond.

Tracey

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ciaro
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Re: A difficult time
Reply #4 - Dec 28th, 2008 at 10:37am
 
Thanks again Tracey for being here.  How did the paper mache go?? 
Well, I've been for a walk, went out to lunch and did some stuff around the house.  So I'm doing it.  It feels like a dead weight on my shoulders though. 
It is hard to be back in this place.  I thought I had finally moved through this darkness and was going forward.  The last session with my T before Christman was very tough and I told her I don't believe her anymore when she said 'this can be worked through'. I feel like I am never going to move beyond this despair.
I know part of the problem for me is I don't believe myself or at  least I don't want to believe. Most of my memories are a smell, a taste, a touch, a vivid picture of just before and after and blank in the middle, then other times the 'blank in the middle' is as vivid as the words on this screen, yet none of it seems real. I don't feel real.  I go through the motions of living, its like watching the events of the day but at a distance, through a pane of glass or something.  I'm not really there, yet am full of pain. I am tired of trying.
Like you, I always wobble at Christmas. And I suppose this year in particular has been very stressful for a few months running up to December.  My mother was in hospital, then my sister was critically ill.  So this year I went to my other sisters for three days. My parents and my sister who was ill were also there.  It was too much.  I did it for my sister.  And I'm glad I did and also I know it was not good for  me.  The family stuff has been really intense.  Now I am emotionally and physically exhausted.  I wish ther was someone to mind me for a while, though I probably wouldn't let them near me.   

Tracey, your support is helping me stay strong.  Thank you.  I am sorry you too are struggling and yes, together we can get each other through until this passes.  We've done it before.
Am exhausted so might go for a snooze.
Thanks, I'lll check in later if you want to chat

ciaro
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Tracey
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Re: A difficult time
Reply #5 - Dec 28th, 2008 at 11:54am
 
It's lovely to hear of all the things you've done today.

If you look back on previous wobbles and times where you have been where you are experiencing being now, you'll be able to see that they don't last forever and you do come through them each time.  Where we are stressed then we go back to old ways of thinking, feeling and behaving as it is our familiar way of coping and getting through.

Continue to be kind to yourself as you've done so successfully today.

Tracey
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ciaro
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Re: A difficult time
Reply #6 - Dec 28th, 2008 at 2:47pm
 
You're right of course.  This is an old way of being and coping. Its so strongly encoded in my being that its hard to break the cycle completely.  Staying on a healing path is such hard work and exhausting and the right thing to do.  I am so grateful for your support and for this site as without you I don't think I could do it right now. 
I've been having flashbacks about my granddad as well. This stuff really hits you when you're down, doesn't it.
I'm due back in work tomorrow, but am not sure I'll be able to cope with beign around others, but also I know it might be good for me to get back into a routine.  So, I'll go and see how it goes. 
I've been thinking about contacting my therapist. I don't think I'll make it to the 8th without some contact.  I'll see tomorrow.
Thank you for being here.
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