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My story, Such as it is. WILL TRIGGER (Read 15725 times)
Ty
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Re: My story, Such as it is. WILL TRIGGER
Reply #15 - Feb 10th, 2009 at 9:05am
 
Story-mail...
I don't know what to say. I am very sad.

I am sure I am too late for you to get this, but in the chance that you do....

know that we are thinking of you, and holding you up, and we'll be waiting to hear from you as soon as you can get back to us.

:- Embarrassed

Ty
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Re: My story, Such as it is. WILL TRIGGER
Reply #16 - Apr 26th, 2009 at 8:24am
 
I am well and free at this time, i'll post more information when i get around to it, sorry to keep you all waiting Smiley
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Ty
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Eastern Oregon
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Re: My story, Such as it is. WILL TRIGGER
Reply #17 - Apr 26th, 2009 at 10:22am
 
Hi!
I am glad to hear that you are doing well! It is always good to hear from you!

Journeying,
Ty
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Re: My story, Such as it is. WILL TRIGGER
Reply #18 - May 9th, 2009 at 2:37pm
 
Okay, my stomach/heart is holding me back from posting here. I know when i do i have to face my own situations, my own fears my own soul again. I've been taking some time off from this side of my life to focus on other sides and now i've come back here to write down what im thinking.

Im not sure how long i can write now since im not in the proper state of mind, short overview.

Trying to get an appartment,
Studying to finish High-school
Studying to enter University
Living at home and despretaly trying to get an appartment (not easy in this city)
Living on welfare

Thats what im doing, this is how the situation developed regarding my past.

Before my prison started i left 3 letters on my bed, one for my father, one for my mother and one for my brother, each detailing the incident and how they "crappity smacked up". When i was in prison parents read their letters, my father didnt really understand it or take it seriously, still thinks im "just too sensitive" tho in this case i understand since he is already quite old and is, i think, starting to go senile. My mother agrees with this so his opinion im brushing aside as that of a man slowly losing his mind and i wont hold it against him.

My mother did confront my brother and he did admit it, when i was on the phone with my mother while i was in prison she repeated his words as being "I feel sick that (my name) felt so bad about it, i had no idea, we were just kids then" he is 6 years older than i am, best as i can telli was 6-7 so he was 13 or so (not a kid in this particular regard) followed by 10 years of intense emotional destruction and an inability by him to apologize for anything, ever. He visited my parents house twice while i was in prison and never picked up his letter. When i got out i waited 2 weeks for him to visit, he never did and as a result i disowned him. I said to everyone i know that i no longer consider him my brother in any regard and will not deal with him as such. As far as i am concerned i do not have a brother and i will not give him a chance to redeem himself in this life. I have spent too much time, too many hours hoping he would be a decent person towards me, to this day he thinks he is right about the world, how it is a dark abysmal place where people need to be "hard". He considers me naive and silly for my spiritual beliefs, he never looked at me as an equal and i said in my letter to him. I am stronger than him, i will always be stronger than him, something like this didnt break me and it never will.

Anyway i will eventually write more about how all of this is going but getting back to this now would make me feel all mopey at a situation when that jus tisnt possible. I feel i needed to let you all know of whats goin gon
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Ty
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Eastern Oregon
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Re: My story, Such as it is. WILL TRIGGER
Reply #19 - Jun 20th, 2009 at 7:58pm
 
story-mail...

I am so glad to hear from you. It is interesting how replies span months Smiley, but I am happy...as long as you are still here and that we can still 'converse'...it makes me happy.

It's now mid June and I am wondering how you are. It seemed in your last post that you had a lot on your mind...and on your heart.
I don't even have words to express how I wish your life could have been different...that you wouldn't have had to go through what you did. I am glad to hear that your brother 'admitted it'...but sad that he didn't understand the depth of pain he caused in your life. The ages were quite different...and I think it is all to 'easy' for people to explain it away that it was 'just kids'....to me, that is not 'just kids'...to me that is something that cuts deep no matter how old you are. You didn't have knowledge at that point in your life...and you did not have the 'understanding' that comes with adulthood. I believe, however, that he should have known better....and should never have violated you in such a horrific way.

On an up note...
I admire you for putting your feelings on paper for your family. The fact that your father doesn't get it...well, it is understandable (I guess) under the circumstances that you explained. The fact that your mother gets it is encouraging...and I am glad that she has supported you, at least in this.
The fact that you put it out there shows so much strength...and the fact that you are able to take whatever response you get from those you wrote to...and that you know you needed to write those for you...and not for anyone else...It just shows so much strength to me.

I also want you to know that I admire your decision to return to school and achieve the things that you have set your heart on. I know you can do anything...and I want you to know that we are behind you Smiley

I hope that we hear from you again soon...and that you receive this on a day that is shining magnificently on you!

Journeying,
Ty
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Re: My story, Such as it is. WILL TRIGGER
Reply #20 - May 15th, 2010 at 3:40am
 
Okay, so, you guys have a javascript popup that always keeps saying that "you are posting in all caps, not allowed" which i am not, only after some attempts at removing the javascript partially were i able to post this again, I havent been able to post for 6 months until now. Please, someone update the forum and possibly remove that bit, if at all possible. I can however just keep using my little patch. That being said i'll not post the extension of my story:

I've been trying to ignore this for a while now and focusing on other things that i can work on. Other things that i can improve myself on, such as the ability to study and hold a long term plan. I've been thinking about PTSD. I know that i have it. No surprise there considering how common it is for survivors.

I think I've been waiting for something to happen and clear all this so i wouldn't have to, like somehow my brother would apologize for the shit he did. Some solution that would eliminate the need for me to actually do this. Since the next stage is writing a book about this. I cant hold it back forever, its something i need to do so i can start to feel like a human being again. I am highly functional in that i can "act" human. But when I'm alone i feel like who i am really, at times i feel so bad.

Its more than just the abuse, its how my parents didn't notice that something happened. Its having spent 15+ years in such absolute darkness that it twists the mind.

Its a little difficult to explain, but when i look at the things around me or "feel" it just feels "off" like its slightly out of sync to how it should feel. I can reach back to how it was when i was a child before the abuse and i remember how it felt so different to how it feels now, its like there's a ball of bile in my soul that just cant vent.

Most of the time sexuality feels right to me, it feels healthy and the way it should. But there are times, even when I'm all alone or with my long time partner that sex just feels "wrong" the irony about this is that the sense that I've learned to associate as being "wrong" is when I'm not tense. When I'm not protecting, careful and tense it feels "wrong" since it is what sexuality normally is. When i really relax and let my emotions relax there's this feeling of being loved by my mother that just feels wrong. It feels like it shouldn't be there. Like i shouldn't associate sexuality with love and a connection of the heart.

This comes from the fact that my mother is the one that was supposed to protect me from harm when i was a child failed. And she had and still has serious problems connecting emotionally and groundedly to other adults. That's why I've learned unconsciously to expect that connecting heart and sexuality with one another is not a good thing. It makes me feel intensely vulnerable, it is like having a band of ice wrapped around my waist. I think that if it was just the sexual abuse i could eventually come to terms with it, but it is a larger childhood dysfunction. After all one abuse almost always reflects what is wrong with the family in general, and the amount of abuse in our society reflects whats wrong with our actions in general.

Right now tho, it seems that the situation isn't changing, I've waited a year or so and no miracle cure seems to come, everyone gets older and i lose some more time. That isn't the way. I think that writing the book and posting it online would help me balance the love and sexuality, I've planned to write it for a while now. I hope it would help me understand and come to terms with my emotions.

The sense of emptiness and coldness i get when i relax and calm down is the same emotion i got when i was a child, it took me a while to realise that it is but when i realised it i realised something else as well. I realised that its the same emotion but what has changed is me, not the emotion. Calming down and being alone is the same emotion, I've just learned to think that its a bad thing, that being alone is painful.

End result is that i always feel like in a fog, since I'm trying to run away from the sensation of being alone, which on its own is not a bad thing, I've simply too much pain associated with it. Its difficult to explain how it feels like to be afraid of being alone, not out of fear that someone else will harm me but from the fear of the pain that i have inside. Just how much it hurts to be in the moment and not dissociated in a cloud of fluff. How much it hurts to actually look at myself. The things i liked to do when i was 5-6 before the abuse are many of the things which hurt me so bad now. I liked the feeling i got from when i was "in the moment" i didn't use to mind people touching me, or pushing me, i liked to play, i was thin and in great shape.

But right now i don't like it when people touch me, i know its because i don't have the ability to defend myself, or so i "feel" even tho i can of course. Its not that i cant defend when someone punches me, its that i cant tell people who i am sort of on OK terms at least, that what they are doing is not OK. That's something i have a huge problem with and i know that writing the book will strengthen that, its like a big exercise in saying "i can say where my boundaries are". It is such a load of work tho, it wont be long maybe 20-30 pages but it still such an amount of work to write it while i feel like i am "in the moment" and describing things that happened to me not just things in general.

Okay, i need to rewrite this, i wont delete it like i normally do, I'll post it as well and just rewrite it so its both there.


-------------------


Biggest problem with sexual abuse, especially childhood sexual abuse isn't the act itself, at least for me. The biggest problem is the distortion of emotions that follows it, how one learns to associate certain emotions that are healthy with harm and certain things that are harmful with health.

I know that the emotion i had as a child, before the sexual abuse, of being alone, is a healthy emotion, there is nothing wrong with being alone. But the normal, clear flow of emotions and the feeling of being alone and an individual is a healthy emotion. It's just as healthy as being in the company of others, the feeling of being liked is no better than the feeling of not being liked. But the abuse and how it twists a persons mind is remarkable, especially since it makes a person somehow so compliant. When you have to hid something you learn to watch how others feel, learn to do as they wish since people who are obeyed don't pay much notice to how the obeying party actually feels. Everyone assumes that if you are unhappy you say so, but what if you know that saying something will make others feel as unhappy as you feel and make no one happier, so you wont say anything. So when you don't complain, when you do what others want you to do then they will think everything is alright. If they expect you to be the angry boy who throws things around you will since that's what they want, if they expect you to be the good boy you will. It is like a form of mind control.

Sexual abuse does that, it makes you feel so unnatural when you aren't making sure everyone else is happy. When my girlfriend and I have sex or when i masturbate, from time to time it suddenly feels so wrong. The thing is it doesn't feel wrong because its sex, it feels wrong because I've learned to associate the normal sensation of being "who i am" with being wrong. Like its somehow such a bad thing. That's the thing with lying for 15 years and running around in the darkness that sexual abuse causes. When i think back to who i was as a child, before the sexual abuse i remember how life felt, it had a very precise feeling to it, that's the feeling i get when i start to feel wrong, its not a sense of sexual abuse, its a sense of actually being myself. That's what makes it so twisted. The feeling i get when i start to feel so bad is the feeling of what life felt like before the abuse, since that life ended when the abuse happened it feels like I'm falling into weakness. Like I'm falling into being vulnerability and lack of protection. Right now since I'm so detached from my life, i have such a sense of dissociation from who i am i am, in a way, safe. While everything feels slightly bad at all times nothing ever peaks so strongly, good or bad, that it would really harm me. Only when i start to fall from the dissociation do i start to feel so bad. No wonder its a defence mechanism for PTSD.

If i keep this dissociation going i will eventually die, of old age probably, without ever noticing what I'm doing with my life. I would probably accomplish the same amount as most people, slowly glide through life. But that i don't want to do, i don't want to run away from this life, the life i could use for so many beautiful and pleasurable things. This dissociation is a defence mechanism so it isn't the thing that's wrong or bad. IT is a way my mind made to keep me safe from the pain and the fear i cant really face. The pain of sitting on the couch and watching movies about sexual abuse and listening to my mother say that she would claws the eyes out of anyone who ever did that to their child and thinking to myself "yeah, what if it was one of the children to the other?". Well, when it really did happen and she really knows it happened now what did she do... nothing. She did nothing, like i knew she would, full of hot air. I know she is in dissociation herself, i don't know what happened to her, something pretty bad probably, but she is a hypocrite and so afraid of her own emotions. Only time I've seen my father cry was at his mothers burial some years ago, in his entire lifetime, I've never seen my mother or my brother cry. It is like sad emotions aren't a reality for them, like they are so afraid of being openly sad about something.

Right now, thanks to the abuse, i lack the ability to defend myself when someone acts nice towards me but means hostility. The like of action that my brother had towards me. The kind of covered hostility, it makes my psyche and emotional compass mess itself up. When i have to tell people, even those that aren't necessarily my friends, that what they are doing is harming me and it feels bad, and they are being mean towards me it feels so incredibly bad. It literally feels like my insides are covered in vomit and acid. It makes me feel so bad. Somehow i feel like I'm still afraid of people not liking me, when i was a child that never mattered to me, i didn't care if i was alone or liked by everyone. But after the abuse i started to pay more attention and do my best to be liked by people. So now i feel like saying to someone who is mean to me "go crappity smack yourself!" it makes me feel like I'm not supposed to say that, like I'm supposed to take all their abuse in good humour. It was never said to me in so many words. What my parents always thought with their words was that i have every right and in fact obligation to defend myself. But their actions, what they did, how they acted, what they saw, didn't see and so on, these things told me that its far more important to play along their rules or i wouldn't get what i wanted. Since i couldn't get what i needed, that was acceptance, reconciliation and assurance that i wasn't bad, i wanted other things. So thanks to they saying "defend yourself" and then emotionally whacking with me a sledgehammer when i tried to defend myself but reward me when i didn't, when i was the "nice kid" i cant defend myself against people in my adult life. I care too much for the opinion of people, I've learned to buzz them off verbally quite often but still i make mistakes. But even when i buzz them off or defend myself i feel like i did the wrong thing.

I've been thinking about this and the best option i can come up with on how to solve this is simply this. If i want to heal myself from this i should write a book and explain what happened. Explain how it effected me, how the abuse changed me, what its like walking around in the dark, the shame covering me, watching your every move, being the class clown since no one ever expects the clown to know important things, how every move is subconsciously geared towards keeping a secret. How my pain, misery, sadness and many other emotions were hidden so deep and so dense that even today they feel wrong. When being myself, remembering who I've been as a child, what it feels like to be a complete independent person makes me feel so bad. How i sometimes stop sex not because of the abuse but remembering who i was before it, how vulnerable i was and how i can never be that again, how i build so many shields around me that I'm like an emotional bubble-head. Thick but weak and easy to push around. To write a book about this, to release my sadness a bit out there would force me to accept that my brother will never apologize to me, at least not before i waste my life and probably not even then. And my mother, my mother always wants everything to be the way it was before, that we all get along, but she doesn't seem to understand that it was a lie, we only got along because i submitted, more or less, to destroy who i was for the sake of the family. I remember my brother from the first moments I've known him he was a sadist towards me. I remember him breaking my toys, bullying me when no one else was around, pushing me, hitting me, insulting me and so many things i can no longer remember. Like his life mission was to kill me, drive me to such depression that i would commit suicide. Going so far as to insinuate that i need him to protect me since I'm so soft and gullible, i never needed him to protect me, least of all i needed him to cause me more harm than anyone else has, ever. I need to write the book to make him know that i will never feel wrong for what he did that I'm telling the truth, his life will most likely unravel at the truth of my book. My mother might as well.

I wont lie in my book, i wont cover my mistake and i wont gloss over anyone else's either. I know i almost sexually abused one of my friends when i was about 13-14. He managed to wriggle out of the situation, I didn't understand what i was doing then, it ate away at me for nearly a decade but after i got out of prison (not related to this, has to do with the army) i sent him a long letter where i explained what happened to me, why i attempted what i did, and how sorry i am and that if he wants I'll write a public confession and take any punishment he sees fit to give me without complaint. We patched things up. At the time he was my best friend, and he is still a good friend of mine. So i know that its possible to say "I'm sorry for what i did" and even sexual abuse, attempted or committed can be patched up and it can be apologized to. But it cant be brushed under the carpet, no one else in my family seems able to apologize and truly face what they did, so i must defend myself, i must write the book if i want to clear space for me to feel like myself. Then, if he wants, he can apologize to me. I doubt he will. If i know him he will blame for ruining his life, he will be angry and do his best to paint me as the bad guy, possibly going so far as assaulting me. My mother is the question mark here, I'm not sure what she will do, most likely she will be quite sad and still attempt to reconcile us, and not accept that one was abused by the other and reconciliation would only help him and not me at this point, since he makes no effort to even contact me, apologize, nothing after a year. So the way i see it, he made his choice to hide it and not go public and try to make reprimands. My mother made hers and i just need to make mine and go fully public. Hopefully help myself and other sexual abuse victims and survivors.

so, yeah, I'll post things here a bit more often in the future.
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