I would like to live an authentic, real life, but I don't.  How do I do this, when I'm so disconnected from my tue self, that I don't know my real self.
I act, I have different personas.  I can be any way a person needs me to be.  I learned this at a very young age. I learned this, to keep others happy and therefore keeping me safe.  I've done this for so long, I don't know what real is.  
I have so much to learn.  I would like to be true to myself, to live a meanignful life that fulfills me.
It is a daunting task.
Am I up for the challenge.  
Mostly I am afraid of living, of life, of being real. it means I have to feel. And that overwhelms me.  My reality is hard to bear, to stay with.  Do I over identify with my past?? There has to be more to me that my abuse, but at present it feels like that is all there is.  I don't want to be a survivor all my life.  
I just want to be me.

Ciaro,

I can certainly understand the need to live authentically.  I have many personas, too.  For years I didn't even realize it, but eventually my brother pointed it out to me.  I guess it was the only way I could survive childhood.  I think you have a great goal in mind, Ciaro, but it is difficult.  I keep trying to find out who I am.  Sometimes I make a list of what I believe about life and people and surviving, etc.  It helps me to sort myself out.  Then I make a list of what I like and don't like (anything from favorite activities to favorite colors!).  It also helps to define me.

Have you made any discoveries about yourself?  I've found that I abhor all the superficial chatter going on around me.  A little is okay, but I hate it when people never get around to talking about anything but the weather and how busy they are.  I've discovered that I'm hard on people.  I want my friends to deal with things that are really important rather than pretending that all is well.  I want people to listen to me when I talk about my healing.  They don't.  Some of the things I've discovered about me aren't all that positive (LOL), but at least I'm trying to be real.  I was always such a fake with everyone. 

If you discover ways to find your true self and live authentically, please let me know.  I am interested.  I think this is one of the biggest hurdles we survivors face.

By the way, how's Millie?

Rev

I think this is a very good topic and has reall y made me think.
I also wish to live more authentically but fail to know who I really am and what do I believe.
I seem to lurch from one crisis to another with periods of calm in between. It is exhausting!
I worry so much about what others will think one minute and the next take the attitude of just not caring about anything and therefore alienating those very people.
I struggle in every single relationship I am in.
But the relationship I struggle with the most, is the one I have with myself!
Sometimes, I have real clarity and insight into why I behave and think the way I do and then, sure enough, I will find myself in the middle of another crisis.
I am beginning to realise that maybe I create these crisis scenarios because that is what I am used to. In a strange way, I feel safer when things are going badly than when things are going well.
Quite how I can change that I am not entirely sure, but half the battle is to recognise the issue, so I feel I have accomplished something even though I don't know what to do about it!
Also, I have recently discovered that my life seems to go in cycles. Almost like the phases of the moon! I seem to repeat the same mistakes over and over again and never see it coming and it is only with a large amount of hindsight that I can unravel what has happened. By then, quite alot of damage has been done and some decisions are unchangable. This leads to regret, loss, sadness and self-blame.
As I get older, I realise that the thing I have lacked most in my life (and from a very young age) is emotional support.
I am sure this has had a huge impact on my ability to form relatonships and nuture them.
When I have these moments of clarity I can feel a bit better about myself because I know that I am up against some programming that is going to be very difficult to unlearn, but I will try.

Big Love to you all and thanks for listening.

Jade. 

Thanks so much for your lovely messages Ty. It feels so good to be able to come back here, still struggling, but so much stronger!
I realise that life is all about moving forward from whatever point you are at. All things can be healed if we are commited to moving forwards.

Peace, strength and patience to you all.

Big Love,

Jade.

Jade...You make me smile

Annie...My heart goes out to you...and I want you to know that there will be a day that you find yourself living authentically. It is okay that you find yourself in the place you are emotionally. This is such a journey, and every part of the journey is important, relevant, and necessary. You will find yourself growing through this journey...and although it doesn't seem possible in this moment, you will find yourself living free from the nightmares that have a hold on you. Will you forget? No....but you will be free, and the memories will be a distance away...getting further as you heal and grow.
Don't ever give up, and don't ever tell yourself that 'this is all there is for me'...because you are worth so much more! I know that you will find yourself in a safe place one day soon...and find yourself stronger than you ever thought possible.
I admire your strength and courage to reveal your heart here...that in and of itself shows me that you will come to find the freedom you so deserve!

Keep Journeying,
Ty