I think this is a very good topic and has reall y made me think.
I also wish to live more authentically but fail to know who I really am and what do I believe.
I seem to lurch from one crisis to another with periods of calm in between. It is exhausting!
I worry so much about what others will think one minute and the next take the attitude of just not caring about anything and therefore alienating those very people.
I struggle in every single relationship I am in.
But the relationship I struggle with the most, is the one I have with myself!
Sometimes, I have real clarity and insight into why I behave and think the way I do and then, sure enough, I will find myself in the middle of another crisis.
I am beginning to realise that maybe I create these crisis scenarios because that is what I am used to. In a strange way, I feel safer when things are going badly than when things are going well.
Quite how I can change that I am not entirely sure, but half the battle is to recognise the issue, so I feel I have accomplished something even though I don't know what to do about it!
Also, I have recently discovered that my life seems to go in cycles. Almost like the phases of the moon! I seem to repeat the same mistakes over and over again and never see it coming and it is only with a large amount of hindsight that I can unravel what has happened. By then, quite alot of damage has been done and some decisions are unchangable. This leads to regret, loss, sadness and self-blame.
As I get older, I realise that the thing I have lacked most in my life (and from a very young age) is emotional support.
I am sure this has had a huge impact on my ability to form relatonships and nuture them.
When I have these moments of clarity I can feel a bit better about myself because I know that I am up against some programming that is going to be very difficult to unlearn, but I will try.
Big Love to you all and thanks for listening.
Jade.