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Living authentically (Read 6994 times)
ciaro
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Living authentically
Sep 23rd, 2008 at 5:34pm
 
I would like to live an authentic, real life, but I don't.  How do I do this, when I'm so disconnected from my tue self, that I don't know my real self.
I act, I have different personas.  I can be any way a person needs me to be.  I learned this at a very young age. I learned this, to keep others happy and therefore keeping me safe.  I've done this for so long, I don't know what real is.  
I have so much to learn.  I would like to be true to myself, to live a meanignful life that fulfills me.
It is a daunting task.
Am I up for the challenge.  
Mostly I am afraid of living, of life, of being real. it means I have to feel. And that overwhelms me.  My reality is hard to bear, to stay with.  Do I over identify with my past?? There has to be more to me that my abuse, but at present it feels like that is all there is.  I don't want to be a survivor all my life.  
I just want to be me.
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Mandi
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Re: Living authentically
Reply #1 - Sep 26th, 2008 at 8:44pm
 
Hey Ciaro ~

I feel the exact same way right now.  I have always been able to adapt to my surroundings and be the person that others wanted.  I just wrote this down the other night ~ "I do want to get through the pain of what happened to me.  I want to be able to live without anxiety.  But I don't want to forget what I made it through to get where I am.  I want it to matter that I fought my way through life.  So yes, I do want to get better.  I'm working on through it everyday."  It's a struggle.  Because I feel like I am the person I am because of what I went through.  I don't think it's bad to be who others want me to be.  Not always.  But then there's that problem of ~ who is the real Mandi?  And I don't think I have a clue.  The real me is a very caring person who always thinks of others first.  And I'm also very sensitive.  So I get hurt easily.  I want to find my passion.  But I've always been afraid to try new things for fear of failure.  I just don't try ~ and that way I can't fail.  I hate that about me.  It is so hard to be real isn't it?  I also feel that if I'm real, people won't like me.  I'm a people pleaser ~ so I don't think I would do anything to make anybody mad.  But I do things for everybody else to make them happy.   If they are happy ~ my world is safe.  That's what I learned in rehab.  I am constantly trying to make people happy to feel safe.  I've played that game all my life.  SO ~ if nothing else, I understand where you are coming from.  I guess we need to find out who we are exactly.  Then we can be who we really are.  Did that make sense? 

Big hugs,
Mandi
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At some point, you have to make a decision.Boundaries don't keep other people out.They fence you in.Life is messy.That's how we're made.So,you can waste your lives drawing lines.Or you can live your l
 
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revenna
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Re: Living authentically
Reply #2 - Sep 27th, 2008 at 12:44pm
 
Ciaro,

I can certainly understand the need to live authentically.  I have many personas, too.  For years I didn't even realize it, but eventually my brother pointed it out to me.  I guess it was the only way I could survive childhood.  I think you have a great goal in mind, Ciaro, but it is difficult.  I keep trying to find out who I am.  Sometimes I make a list of what I believe about life and people and surviving, etc.  It helps me to sort myself out.  Then I make a list of what I like and don't like (anything from favorite activities to favorite colors!).  It also helps to define me.

Have you made any discoveries about yourself?  I've found that I abhor all the superficial chatter going on around me.  A little is okay, but I hate it when people never get around to talking about anything but the weather and how busy they are.  I've discovered that I'm hard on people.  I want my friends to deal with things that are really important rather than pretending that all is well.  I want people to listen to me when I talk about my healing.  They don't.  Some of the things I've discovered about me aren't all that positive (LOL), but at least I'm trying to be real.  I was always such a fake with everyone. 

If you discover ways to find your true self and live authentically, please let me know.  I am interested.  I think this is one of the biggest hurdles we survivors face.

By the way, how's Millie?

Rev
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ciaro
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Re: Living authentically
Reply #3 - Sep 27th, 2008 at 2:06pm
 
Hi Mandi and Revenna,
Thank you both for your thoughts.
Mandi, its really good to see you here.  Reading your post, it struck me that you seem very grounded and focused.  I admire that and am happy for you.  Like you I am a people pleaser. I would also love to live without anxiety.  What must that be like, I wonder.  It is a struggle to live authentically.  I think, I hope, the fact that we choose to seek healing and continue the process of feeling and healing from our pain, is being as real and as true to ourselves as we can be.
Revenna, I am also quite hard on people.  I have limited tolerance for mindless chatter about what a person has, bought etc.  I expect people to deal with important issues, though to be honest, I'm not so sure I'm good at it myself, specially if it something that will expose me and put me in the limelight.  I seem to have a better sense of what I don't or can't do that what I can.
I know I like peace and quiet. I like stillness.  I get extremely tired vey easily and don't seem to have the same stamini others do.  I like nature, animals. I like autumn. I don't like noise. I find it difficult to accept praise, possibly because I feel like a fake and don't like myself too much.
Thats about it really.   
It is a good idea to make a list.  I might try that.
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Patience
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Re: Living authentically
Reply #4 - Aug 26th, 2009 at 8:38am
 
I think this is a very good topic and has reall y made me think.
I also wish to live more authentically but fail to know who I really am and what do I believe.
I seem to lurch from one crisis to another with periods of calm in between. It is exhausting!
I worry so much about what others will think one minute and the next take the attitude of just not caring about anything and therefore alienating those very people.
I struggle in every single relationship I am in.
But the relationship I struggle with the most, is the one I have with myself!
Sometimes, I have real clarity and insight into why I behave and think the way I do and then, sure enough, I will find myself in the middle of another crisis.
I am beginning to realise that maybe I create these crisis scenarios because that is what I am used to. In a strange way, I feel safer when things are going badly than when things are going well.
Quite how I can change that I am not entirely sure, but half the battle is to recognise the issue, so I feel I have accomplished something even though I don't know what to do about it!
Also, I have recently discovered that my life seems to go in cycles. Almost like the phases of the moon! I seem to repeat the same mistakes over and over again and never see it coming and it is only with a large amount of hindsight that I can unravel what has happened. By then, quite alot of damage has been done and some decisions are unchangable. This leads to regret, loss, sadness and self-blame.
As I get older, I realise that the thing I have lacked most in my life (and from a very young age) is emotional support.
I am sure this has had a huge impact on my ability to form relatonships and nuture them.
When I have these moments of clarity I can feel a bit better about myself because I know that I am up against some programming that is going to be very difficult to unlearn, but I will try.

Big Love to you all and thanks for listening.

Jade.  Kiss
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Ty
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Re: Living authentically
Reply #5 - Aug 26th, 2009 at 9:54am
 
Jade...
You are wiser that you probably realize...
There was a lot of wonderful insight that you shared here...and I hope that others see it. It is something that is so true...
We become so acustomed to what we know (abuse) that we feel more comfortable there than what lies on the other side. I have seen it in myself, and I have seen it in others. Just in the fact that you have seen it, tells me that you will quickly be finding yourself on the other side...and will be free from the things that have held you. It's never easy...but it is always worth it.

Thinking of you today...
Ty
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Patience
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Re: Living authentically
Reply #6 - Aug 27th, 2009 at 8:35am
 
Thanks so much for your lovely messages Ty. It feels so good to be able to come back here, still struggling, but so much stronger!
I realise that life is all about moving forward from whatever point you are at. All things can be healed if we are commited to moving forwards.

Peace, strength and patience to you all.

Big Love,

Jade. Cheesy
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annie
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Re: Living authentically
Reply #7 - Nov 13th, 2009 at 3:33pm
 
I would also like to live authentic, real life, but pain is always there with me.I know that life is not easy for no one, but mine is usually too hard for me. I am tired of struggling, but I don't know how to be different. During my life I always have to defend myself because my father is an alcholic who battered us. I just want peace and to find my real self.

Ciaro I hope that you are feeling better. It si so important to talk about how we feel and your topics state the essence of our problems in everyday life. I think that this topics are very useful. I totally fell the same as you about being the surviror of different forms of abuse all my life. I just want to be me and one day finish with the dark days of my life. Not to forget, I don't ever want to forget, but also I don't want to think all the time about all bad things that happend to me.
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Ty
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Re: Living authentically
Reply #8 - Nov 20th, 2009 at 9:47pm
 
Jade...You make me smile Smiley

Annie...My heart goes out to you...and I want you to know that there will be a day that you find yourself living authentically. It is okay that you find yourself in the place you are emotionally. This is such a journey, and every part of the journey is important, relevant, and necessary. You will find yourself growing through this journey...and although it doesn't seem possible in this moment, you will find yourself living free from the nightmares that have a hold on you. Will you forget? No....but you will be free, and the memories will be a distance away...getting further as you heal and grow.
Don't ever give up, and don't ever tell yourself that 'this is all there is for me'...because you are worth so much more! I know that you will find yourself in a safe place one day soon...and find yourself stronger than you ever thought possible.
I admire your strength and courage to reveal your heart here...that in and of itself shows me that you will come to find the freedom you so deserve!

Keep Journeying,
Ty
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