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When is it over? (Read 3728 times)
Kelly
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When is it over?
Jul 29th, 2008 at 11:33am
 
From time to time I search on the web for a site that will answer my questions "When will it be over?...When will I feel free?"  

I am a 40 year old married women to a wonderful man with two great boys.  I am strong, intellegent and yet I feel chained to my past, not worthy of what I have done in my life or of what I have.  By joining this forum, I hope to make sense of it all or empower myself and eventually others.

Last year I started experiencing trouble sleeping, along with extreme night terrors.  I would wake my husband up with my screaming.  After about two weeks of this, I FINALLY discussed with my husband (which we were married for 20 years by this time) that as a child from the ages of 8-15 I was molested by my brother ( his best friend).  My husband new that my family life was extremely tough, mother alcoholic and drug abuser and a father who became an enabler.  But I never told him of the molestation, (afraid I would loose him, would not love me anymore, etc....).  Well I did seek therapy and my therapist was the second person ever to hear my story.  I have come a long way .....  I have read many things on the effects of being raised in a household like this.  But my family was a huge part of my life and I did not want to destroy this.  Well, I traveled back home (alone, big mistake) and set it up when my mother was on one of her clean and sober months (we would get them from time to time).  She had not drank in six weeks or was not drunk or on something that we knew of and  I told her I was visiting for a couple of days.  The first day I saw my mother she was drunk, the next day she was drunk and that evening she came to me and wanted to know why I was mad....I screamed in the pouring cold rain at her that she never protected me....I told her of my abuse, she did not believe, I told her how her habits had broken me down after all of these years.  I cried in front of my mother, something she nor I ever did.  I felt years and years of guilt lifted off of me.  I left her in the rain that night and told her she probably would not remember or want to remember.  Her response was I probably misunderstood what happened to me.  Now I was the one who went through the many times my mother was detoxing, I was the one who would make everything better, I was the one who would help my family financially.  I never asked for thanks, I just wanted everyone to be happy and I would hang back in the corner, where they almost believed I had nothing to do with it.  They loved the spotlight.  But this was my time where I needed something, I needed to count....and she was not there.  I decided that night that I was going to make myself count .......Well that was one year ago and I have not had contact with my mother since.  I heard she is doing well this past three months.  I did confront my brother and he wept and begged for forgiveness, I forgave him....we still stay in contact.  My husband is a true hero.  He has walked me through this process of healing every step of the way.  

But here I am today, wanting to still be with my Mother, wanting to count....I still struggle with my own self esteem and wonder what people think if they only knew about my life.  Sometimes the lost of not having that contact good or bad with my family, makes me wonder if I should have ever spoke up in the first place......I do know now that I am a survivor no longer a victim......But sometimes I am tired of carrying this chain around........Well that is the tought of the day.  I know that tomorrow will be better....
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revenna
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Re: When is it over?
Reply #1 - Jul 29th, 2008 at 12:10pm
 
Kelly,

First of all, welcome to the site!  This is a great place to come and share.  I'm glad you found us.

Thank you for sharing your story with us.  I know it isn't easy to tell others about abuse.  I'm sorry for all the things you have experienced, but I admire your strength in seeking help and in confronting the people who let you down in childhood.

I can certainly relate to the things you wrote about.  I am an incest survivor and my father (the man who adopted me) belonged to a pedophile group.  I was taken to group meetings where I became the "entertainment".  I was also molested by my biological brother when I was 11.  I'm sorry for your experiences with your brother, but was glad to read that your brother asked for forgiveness.

Two of my brothers are recovering alcoholics, but I did not have the same experience as you -- growing up with an alcoholic parent.  I can't even begin to imagine how difficult that must have been. 

I can relate to what you wrote about your family, wondering if speaking up was the right thing to do.  I have 2 families (the one I was born into and my adopted one).  I have almost no contact with anyone.  I am the family outcast because I spoke up about what was truly going on in both of my families.  It is hard being the strong one, yet deep down, I know that speaking out was the best thing for me to do.  So I can relate to your feelings on this issue.  I still want a family.  My husband is extremely supportive, but I still miss my brothers and sisters.

Thank you for sharing your story with us, Kelly.  This is a good place to come and write out all your thoughts.  It's been a little slow around here lately, but I usually check in every day.  I'll be glad to read anything you want to share and I promise to respond as soon as I can.

I hope it helped to tell us about yourself.  This is a good place to continue the process of healing.

Revenna
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ciaro
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Re: When is it over?
Reply #2 - Sep 9th, 2008 at 3:18pm
 
Hi Kelly,
welcome to bti.  Over the years I have found this site and the people here to be of tremendous support.  It is a safe place.  I'm only sorry it has beenso quiet and you have not received much feedback and acknowledgement for this courageous step of sharing your story with us here.  So, I hope my response, though very late, will bring some validation that you are heard and believed. 
When will it be over?  I ask myself that question regularly.  And the answer that keeps coming to me, is that it is never over; however, it is always changing.  And it does change for the better.  Kelly, you have been so true to yourself and honoured your self and your life story by being honest and open with your family (something I have yet to do, 10 years after starting this healing journey). THat is and will continue to bring healing to you. It is hard to stay with it and live authentically.  You are doing that.  I am sorry, that you have not received the validation of your mother.  It may be that you are stronger than her and she is not ready to stand up and face the truth. Know that you do count.
I hope that some day she will support you, if you still want that.  In the mean time I hope you find peace within yourself and continue to heal and live fully. 

Journeying with you
ciaro
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