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STRUGGLING (Read 5052 times)
lostsoul
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STRUGGLING
Jul 8th, 2008 at 1:31am
 
I have been here now and then but seems like nothing is happening anymore. I can't be upset since I too have been gone for ages. For me I was just ignoring things and pretending to be 'normal'.

Now I am headed on vacation -if you can call it that. I feel like all I do is complain about things but I really am dreading this and right now just dreading everything.  Simply put I am returning to my past. . . where it all began and happened. I am dreading this trip. My kdis are coming with me and they are excited so I am trying to focus on that instead of my emptiness inside.

I am also contemplating going back to counseling. I found a counselor who seems highly recommended. Only problem is I have two major concerns - money and this guy does EDMR. I am terrified of that. I hvae never done it but reliving those times is definitely something  I don't want to do.

Oh well, enough complaing, just needed to let someone know the fear I have right now. Will those days ever be in the past and stay there; will I ever be normal and be able to live life instead of hiding and feeling as if I don't belong.   Undecided

Just ready to give up again and wishing life was over and done with so the pain and emptiness would end.
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revenna
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Re: STRUGGLING
Reply #1 - Jul 8th, 2008 at 12:02pm
 
Hello, Kate!

I'm sorry you're struggling right now.  I can relate to your feelings.  Whenever I would return to the place where my abuse happened, I was very afraid, too.  It took me a long time to figure out why -- so many of my memories were repressed.  I used to get sick every time I would go to visit my sister.  I thought it was just the stress of traveling, but now I realize that being "there" brought up so many of my old fears.  I will be thinking of you.  Try to focus on the fun your kids are having or on something else that is going on around you.  One of the things that I do is to try to remind myself that the abuse is not happening now.  It helps to keep the feelings of fear from growing.  Remind yourself that you're in control now and whatever happened in the past cannot happen again. 

As for the counselor, would it be possible to ask him if he could do the therapy without the EDMR?  Just a thought.  I've never had EDMR either and I can see where it would be very intense.  I know it works well for some people, but I also understand the need to feel in control of your therapy. 

Please know I am thinking of you.  Let us know how your trip turns out.

Rev
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Ginee
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Re: STRUGGLING
Reply #2 - Jul 11th, 2008 at 9:56am
 
Hi Kate,
I can understand how you would be dreading this "vacation". Most days lately I am doing well but if I had to go back to the town it happened in I would be a wreck. Last time I was within an hour of that area I had a small breakdown just knowing we were close.

I am reentering therapy next week. I was going a few months ago and found that I was just skirting around the issues so I stopped. But I'm going to give it another try. I have done EMDR a few times. I must say it was a positive experience overall but you shouldn't let a therapist pressure you into doing it if you're not ready. I read several books on the subject before agreeing to it. It's certainly not something you should do until you have already established trust with the therapist and have a good understanding of what it is about.

I hope the trip turns out to be a healing experience and not the opposite.
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You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own and you know what you know. And you are the one who'll decide where you go. ~Dr. Seuss
 
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lostsoul
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Re: STRUGGLING
Reply #3 - Jul 13th, 2008 at 10:57pm
 
Update:

well, here I sit on 'vacation' which has been everything but - pretty much. YES, unfortunately today we went to our old house. My sister was kind enough to think I wanted to see it. ONce we left the highway in a particular area I had this uncertain yet worried feeling that is where we were going. Unfortunately I was right. The closer we got the more I could feel myself shutting down.  By the time I got to the house I was just the shell, looked at it and felt nothing. About a half hour later I felt myself feeling again and all I wanted to do was cry. Somehow I held it together and, as always, pretended all was well but I know there is yet another part of me that is gone, hidden again in the safety of my unfeeling self. 

When someone smiled at me today I smiled back but I know everyone could tell it was a fake smile with nothing behind it. It just now hit me that what I just described was how I lived when i was living here - just an empty shell giving the fake responses everyone wanted to see yet not feeling anything inside but emptiness.

One positive thing is now I no longer have to stress about going there, seeing it again. I went unfortunately and have physically survived. Now, can she be found again or is it just another part of me which is gone.

Ironically I just realized that I logged on here not knowing if I could write anything but as I type and explaining things it's as if I am learning this for the first time too. All I knew for certain this afternoon was the empty feeling. I forgot about the shell of a little girl who existed here, who existed for many years but trying to explain it here has helped me better understand that today I have, once again, lost a piece of me.  No bigg deal I guess since I doubt I was ever whole.   Embarrassed

PLEASE, can I just go home and forget about it all?? I worry the damage is done and forgetting won't be happening anytime soon.

kate - or at least a part of her
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revenna
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Re: STRUGGLING
Reply #4 - Jul 15th, 2008 at 2:09pm
 
Kate,

I'm so sorry this vacation has turned into a nightmare for you.  I think it shows how strong you are, though, to be able to face this place where the abuse happened.  Even though you felt like a shell of a person while you were there -- you were coping!  As a survivor I often find myself wanting to face my past as if it never happened.  I want to not feel any pain.  But that's an unrealistic expectation.  I'm slowly learning to accept my coping skills for what they are -- wonderful tools for survival!  I think the fact that you were able to see this house again and yet continue to function is just amazing! 

I also think it's great that you were able to come here and write out your thoughts.  Even if you're not where you'd like to be right now in your healing, I think it's good that you were able to have some insights about this recent experience and about who you were as a child.  That's a good first step in reclaiming the part of you that was lost.  Sometimes we just need to understand how it was we coped as children and how that affects our life today. 

I'm glad you no longer have to worry about facing this place again.  You've already done it!  Good for you!

I don't mean to make light of all the pain you've been feeling lately by focusing on the positive.  I believe our healing is a combination of recognizing the pain and allowing ourselves to feel along with acknowledging the accomplishments we make along the way.  I'm truly sorry for the pain and anguish you have felt during this trip and I hope you can get some rest and comfort soon.

Rev
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Ty
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Re: STRUGGLING
Reply #5 - Jul 23rd, 2008 at 2:45pm
 
Kate,

Are you home? How are you doing?

I want you to know that you are whole, you just can't feel it right now. I realize that people have hurt you, and that they have tried to destroy you...but you are here, and you are strong (even when you don't realize...know that your strength is there). You are worth each moment of the day, and you just have to keep holding on. The pain was not created over night, and the healing doesn't come overnight...but I promise you that it will come.

Let us know how you are doing....and know that I am thinking of you...

Ty
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