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Hi at last ~ needing to reach out (Read 4451 times)
Rivkele
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Hi at last ~ needing to reach out
Jun 16th, 2008 at 6:13pm
 
Hi everyone,

I've missed you all so much. Sorry I have been absent so long. I was drowning in assignments at uni and just couldn't find the time or energy to post. But I'm free for the summer now. I'll try to respond to some posts tomorrow if I can Smiley

Something happened today and I feel horrible ~ I don't know what to do with this. I went to see my uni tutor for an end of year tutorial today and she spent half an hour telling me all my faults and how bad she thinks I am. I was so taken aback. I just wasn't expecting her to attack me so badly. She went on and on about how negative she thinks I am, how I'm critical of others, etc. I had a terrible time on placement this year ~ some of you may recall ~ and I was dismissed from my placement for raising concerns about staff emotionally abusing the kids I was working with (did I post about that??). My tutor had been really supportive through all that but now suddenly she's saying the opposite of what she said before and making out like I brought this all on myself. I had filled in a questionnaire she gave us at the end of the year asking about what we wanted to do differently next year ~ I had written that I wanted to stress less about academic work. So she questioned me about that in our tutorial. I explained that I find academic work very difficult because of things in the past (I've been having horrible flashbacks to my dad's abuse during his 'lessons', trying to write my essays) but assured her that it was specifically related to academic work and not other things. But she went on and on about how it was going to negatively affect my work when I qualify. She kept telling to to 'think carefully' about whether social work was really for me. I guess she's saying she doesn't think so. It was all exclusively negative ~ she didn't have one good thing to say about me.

This is especially painful as she was so kind to me before. She was so, so cold today.

I'm in turmoil about this. There's a part of me that is hugely negative about myself and that part is desperate to take on board everything she said and believe it. But I think she is a difficult person and we were never a good fit. So I don't know if she's right or not. I think she's partly right but she made me sound like a monster.

Am I awful? Do you think I'm destructive and horrible?

Sorry to come here with miserable stuff after such a long break  Tongue

Hugs,

Riv Cry
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Ty
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Re: Hi at last ~ needing to reach out
Reply #1 - Jun 17th, 2008 at 7:57pm
 
Dear Riv,

This is sad, and something I can somewhat relate to.

First: No, you are not a horrible person, and I am sure you aren't destructive (unless necessary...which is a good thing), and no you aren't awful either.

Sometimes, for some reason, there are people who just have something in their mind that causes them to treat others in such a way. I remember one time, at a new job, the person in charge took me on the elevator to do some deliveries through the building with me. I was thinking that it was an honor that this person wanted to go with me on this delivery. As soon as the elevator doors closed I was reamed up one side and down the other. I can't even remember what was said in particular, but when the doors opened the person walked off as if nothing had happened...and I just stood there with my mouth gaping open. I was so thankful that my shift was almost over, because I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. Once at home, I cried for probably two hours.
It was probably two months later that this person came to me and told me that the reason she chewed me out so badly is because I looked like someone who had once worked there who had done a sub-standard job. I had only been there a week (if that), and she just wanted to make sure I wasn't like that other girl and wanted to get me off on the right foot. I, of course, was nothing like that other girl...but was never given the opportunity to show that before getting that elevator ride I will never forget.

In telling you of this experience, I hope you realize that some people do or say things that don't even apply to you. I don't know why they do, and it isn't fair that they do. I don't know why this person has singled you out or is unhappy with her job and just wants to pour her anger into someone. Whatever the reason, you need to step back and ask yourself these questions:

1. What attracts me to this career?

2. What are the pros and cons of this job?

3. Is this job going to enhance my life (not others lives, but your own...be selfish)?



I also think that it would be beneficial to write down your experience and date it. You need to document your experience with this person, perhaps you aren't alone in your situation?
Also (and I think this has come up before...but I can't remember)...is there a supervisor that you can report to or go to with this situation?

Something that would boost you and give you support would be to find someone who is either in this field, or going through the process of learning to be in this field, to partner and be your supporter and shoulder. Social work is a difficult career choice, as I think we have talked about before. You shouldn't be alone in the process, and you definitely deserve to have someone to turn to. Even Therapist have scheduled sessions to work out anxieties or stresses with their fellow therapists. Find someone you can walk with through this journey, so that you don't feel so alone. In turn, you will be able to support someone in their journey as well. If you don't know of anyone in your program, perhaps you can find someone outside of it?

Keep us posted, and let me know how you are doing. I hope that some of this was helpful...know that I am thinking of  you...

Journeying,
Ty
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Mandi
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Re: Hi at last ~ needing to reach out
Reply #2 - Jun 18th, 2008 at 10:35pm
 
Hey Riv!

Good to see you here again!  I agree with everything Ty wrote.  Can't add too much to that.  BUT ~ she definitely seems like the one who has the problem.  NOT YOU!!  A person in her position is supposed to give some positive as well.  I mean, there is always room for improvement.  But come on!!  You are NOT a bad, horrible person.  And I feel sad that she treated you this way.  How rude!!  It does seem bizarre for her to turn on you like that.  I wish I had some answers for ya!  But I all I have to give is support.  Hang in there and let us know how it goes!  I miss you!  Take a nice break away from uni for now.  And just remember to BREATHE!!!!

Big hugs,
Mandi
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At some point, you have to make a decision.Boundaries don't keep other people out.They fence you in.Life is messy.That's how we're made.So,you can waste your lives drawing lines.Or you can live your l
 
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revenna
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Re: Hi at last ~ needing to reach out
Reply #3 - Jun 23rd, 2008 at 1:00pm
 
Riv,

I don't see you as destructive and horrible at all!  I don't blame you for feeling upset by this session, especially after your tutor had been so supportive earlier in the semester.  I wonder where all this is coming from?  You don't seem like a critical person at all to me.  Your posts are always so supportive, and if you give a word of advice, it is always done with compassion and concern.  I always wonder about people who do such flip-flops!

I think you are right not to take all this on yourself.  There's always room for improvement in all of us, but this evaluation seems way over the top!  I think I know you well enough to know that you can be a good judge of your own behavior and work habits and that you will continue to do the best you can in each experience.

Rev
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lostsoul
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Re: Hi at last ~ needing to reach out
Reply #4 - Jun 26th, 2008 at 12:58am
 
Riv,

I only have a moment so I haven't read what everyone else posted. I just wanted to make sure I wrote something in case you look back before I get on. Your standing up for that child in the past and how the staff handled it was exactly what you should have done. You did hte right thing. Most of society is concerned about how things look, how their friends and co-workers will view them but you stood up for someone else. Your place that placed you there should have given you awards for your strength to stand up for what is right instead of what is wrong.

Regarding your tutor. I have gone to class after class on how to properly give feedback to someone. One of the major things they state is to never make it more negative than positive. You need to state the positives and a few areas to work on. My guess is this tutor is very insercure and needs to make less of you to make herself feel better.  Keep strong, believe in yourself and don't allow this person to bring you down. You are a much better, stronger and important person than that tutor is.

Don't give up on yourself, don't get down on yoruself. Kids out there need people like you to be strong enough to stand up for them.

Kate
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