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Where I am - is this Me? (Read 3669 times)
Tracey
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We grow stronger through
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Where I am - is this Me?
Jun 4th, 2008 at 4:20pm
 
I have just attended my first therapy appt for a month - 4 whole weeks where my T was away and ..... it was Ok, I didn't miss our sessions when it finally came to do it; more the build up to knowing she was going away that unsettled me initially to the actual time apart.

Before our session today, I discussed with my husband last night on going to see her every other week instead of weekly as I had coped Ok and he said "the last 4 years in therapy has changed me (for the better) and drawn us closer and we talk more openly nowadays - so give it a try on biweekly and see how it goes."

My eye whelled up (is that a word?):

(1) for recognition that therapy has made a difference for others close to me to see,
(2) that I can open my heart to my husband after 19 years together (I was a child bride).
(3) that I feel a different individual; one that is starting to believe that it is OK for her to be seen and heard and to have feelings
(4) that others around me can like me,
(5) that I deserve to exist in this world,
(6) that one can find things that are pleasurable in this world; learning to play the violin, writing, meditation with like minded people.
(7) that I can be loved for who I am without s3x.
(8) that I can an do have plans for the future; to set up a local support group for females of s3xual abuse and complete a degree.
(9) that I can have friends (that know and do not know my past).
(10) that I haven't cut for 6 months (and I have had longer times - 1 year).
(11) that I can survive when my husband is away abroad with work (he is now and will be again next week).
(12) that my daughter said she "loved me" tonight.  This is the sweetest gift and words I could ever wish to hear.

... 12 items without thought and I'm sure there are more.  I'm sure there are many each of us could think of and write down when we contemplate on the last few years and how life has changed for us and how we have changed.

I wanted to share for two reasons; one, because an individual can heal overtime ~ I was here 4 years ago writing a poem to end my life and with pills in front of me to do so with blood dripping from my arm (sorry for the descriptive writing) and Mandi replied with support to now thanking those who supported me through the pain to see me where I am today ~ a happy, grown-up individual who can think for herself, feel all emotions and feel loved and love those around her.

This is truly a "Happiness and Healing" posting and thanks to those who have supported me here over the last 4 years xxx.

Tracey
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Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
 
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revenna
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Re: Where I am - is this Me?
Reply #1 - Jun 9th, 2008 at 10:28am
 
Tracey,

Thank you so very, very much for sharing this with us.  It really helped me to read about your journey and to hear about the healing that has taken place in your life.  I think it's so important for us survivors to know that healing is possible.  It's so easy to get mired down in our pain and begin to think that positive change isn't possible.  Thank you for sharing with us that good can come to our lives.  You have been an inspiration to me, Tracey, and I appreciate all the times you have supported me and encouraged me to keep fighting for my life.

Rev
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Ty
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Re: Where I am - is this Me?
Reply #2 - Jun 15th, 2008 at 2:35pm
 
Tracey,

I cry thinking of what you have shared here...

You have definitely come a long way, and you are such a strong person. I believe you always have been...but sometimes we have to find that part of us that is buried inside.

When you wrote about the fact that you didn't struggle through the time your therapist was gone...I knew then that you have risen from ashes. When you wrote that you were interested in bi-weekly sessions, I could see that you have risen from the ashes. When you shared that others are noticing and commending you on where you are today, and the fact that you have journeyed to this point...I felt deep within my heart that you have risen from the ashes.

Your list, as I read it, made me cry. A freeing cry seeing that you have not only risen, but that you can see that  you have risen. I am in awe of you. You are beautiful, and you are so worth every difficult step you have taken thus far. Only look back to recognize and rejoice in who you are today...

Journeying,
Ty
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Mandi
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Re: Where I am - is this Me?
Reply #3 - Jun 16th, 2008 at 8:41am
 
WOW TRACEY!!!  I'm so happy for you and your list!!  I can't get over how far you have come.  REALLY!!!  I love your list.   I definitely understand the buildup of anxiety before your therapist leaves.  I do the same thing when my therapist leaves.  The buildup is always worse than the time that she's gone.  Four weeks is a long time ~ but you did it.  That's awesome!!  Your husband sounds SO supportive as well.  I'm SO Glad that you found this place when you did.  And that you got the support that you needed.  I remember when you first came here!  And now to see you in a much better place ~ that's just amazing!  Thanks so much for sharing with us.  I hope you continue to heal and grow.  You deserve nothing but the best!  Your family must be REALLY happy to have mom back! 

Big hugs,
Mandi Smiley
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At some point, you have to make a decision.Boundaries don't keep other people out.They fence you in.Life is messy.That's how we're made.So,you can waste your lives drawing lines.Or you can live your l
 
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