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evenings end (Read 2304 times)
ciaro
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Bearing through it!

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evenings end
May 26th, 2008 at 3:19pm
 
I didn't know what to title this or even which section to post it.  It has been a hard day, but mostly at the end of it , I'm just glad its evening and the day is nearly over and I have survived.  I'm trying not to get sucked into negative cycles and to see the positive.  I know both can co-exist and I choose which to focus on. 
Today has been hard because I've been having waves of panic and feeling phyhsically disgusting and angry and afraid.  I've had bouts of shaking and have not been able to do most of the everyday things I needed to do. 
But I've been trying to let myself off the hook and remind myself there is healing in letting myself be as I need to be and to stay with this.  Its hard though. I have been here and in worse places before, so when I'm negative I think nothing has changed and trying to be positive I tell myself this will pass, it is flashbacks and body memories and being real and feeling will bring healing. 
Which channel to tune into..... they're both playing loudly in my head, the negative one the strongest, I suppose because it is the most familiar. 
I've imagined and can feel myself self harming and the release it will bring, then remind myself of how long it is since I've self harmed in that way, almlst a year.  I'm almost a year off anti-depressants also.  So I just need to hang in there and stay on my healing road. 
Does any of this make sense to anyone......
Its that simple sometimes........which channel do I tune into in my head, which voice do I listen to?  I'll tell you it takes a huge amount of energy to stay tuned to the healing voice of logic.   
I am exhausted. 
But so far I am here, I am safe and so I choose to post in 'happiness and healing' and stay focused on feeling and just being. Even though this message reads a little crazy, even to me and I've written it. 
So thanks if you've stuck with it and read it through.  I hope you can make some sense of it.
So for now, I leave you, standing, well more wobbling on the side of healing, trying to do the right thing.
And if truth be told very sad that all these years on I still struggle every moment to stay sane.....
But I must be doing something right...
Hooray for healing......(a bit of sarcasm there, but I can't be perfect, right...)
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I am always more than my struggles
 
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revenna
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Re: evenings end
Reply #1 - May 27th, 2008 at 3:13pm
 
Ciaro,

I'm so sorry for all you are going through.  What came shining through as I read your post was your strength.  Also, you seem to have a great understanding of what it is you are facing now and realize there are always choices.  I often feel myself balanced between two worlds, the one where the pain is almost overwhelming and the positive one where I choose my thoughts.  It's so hard.

I hope you are able to congratulate yourself for all your hard work, Ciaro, and for all the healthy choices you have made in the past.  Congratulations for almost a year away from self-harming and anti-depressants!  Those are major accomplishments.

Yes, your post made a lot of sense to me!  So many times I have found myself in the same place.  I hope it helped to write out everything you are feeling and thinking right now.  I appreciate you sharing it with us.

Rev
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