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struggling (Read 4396 times)
ciaro
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struggling
May 13th, 2008 at 3:35pm
 
Hi,
its been a while. I'm sorry I haven't been here to seek and give support, but I have thought of you often.  I am having a hard time right now so here I am pulling out all the stops to get help and keep myself safe. 
there is nothing new in what is happening.  As most of you know I've struggled with recovering repressed memories, mostly because I don't want to know. I just want it to go away and in between I try and accept it, to let it in, to heal and somehow I muddle through and live and have some good times in the midst of this process.
I had therapy today and this evening found myself lying on my bed curled up considering opening the drawer and taking out the pills I continue to keep 'just in case'. 
I tell you this not to have you worry, you are not responsible for me, I am responsible for myself.  I tell you in the hope that saying it will stop me doing it.  It shocks me that so many years into therapy and healing I can still find myself in this darkness, trying to stay sane. 
I think today for the first time, I REALLY let in a little reality of the horror of a particular act of abuse to me. I have a habit of talking about things but being so disconnected that it has nothing to do with me. Actually I struggle with any sense of 'me'. But today something is different.  I think I am going into shock and want a way out. 
I am going through all the motions of doing the right things, being here is one of them. I tell myself I am safe, that it is ok to feel, it is necessary to heal, that I can stay with this, that it is the right thing to do to help me.
You know after this particular incident as a child I remember going downstairs after and sitting in the kitchen watching my mother grind beef into mince.  My memory is that I told her what happened. Though I know I didn't say a word.  I sat there and willed her to know, to turn around, to see me, to just know what happened.  I realise now I was too young to have the words to describe what happened,  to tell.  What happened was bad, so I was bad, so if I told I did something bad I would get in trouble. I feel that small today.  I remember I couldn't have told, I just didn't have the language of knowledge to do that.
Thank you for taking the time to read this and be with me for these few moments.  It is good to know that I am not alone and that there are others who understand.
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revenna
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Re: struggling
Reply #1 - May 13th, 2008 at 9:28pm
 
Ciaro,

It's good to see you here again, but I'm sorry for the pain that brings you to this site today.  I think it is terribly hard to face our repressed memories.  I, too, seem to have found a way to distance myself of the emotion of it all.  I can talk about my experiences as if I'm describing the weather!  And yet there are times when I am able to let the emotion out, and it hurts terribly.

I can relate so well to what you said about telling your mother, at least willing her to know.  I think I did that alot.  I even used to try to get my mom to read stories that were similar to my own experiences in hopes that she would somehow come to know.  I think the urge for us to tell is great, but at the same time we fear the shame and take it upon ourselves.  We survivors must have felt torn in two most of the time, dividing ourselves between the worlds of honesty and shame and never knowing what we could really do to help ourselves.

Ciaro, I'm glad you are here now.  I know the pain is great.  Please keep writing (if it helps) and know there are others who share your experiences and your feelings.  Keep fighting, even though life seems overwhelming at times.  You are worth the fight.  We are always more than our experiences -- much, much more.  And you are cared about here at this place.

Revenna
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ciaro
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Re: struggling
Reply #2 - May 14th, 2008 at 2:30pm
 
Hi Revenna,
Its good to see you too. Thank you so much for being here and responding.  Yes, I think we must have been torn in two, I still am.  There is always this big secret, I always hide, even from myself at times. 
I think I'm a little more grounded today.  I suppose one good thing about healing for so long, I know there is truth in the saying 'it will pass'. I knew even yesterday if I could just hang on it would get better.  And today I am not as desperate. 
It was amazing actually.  I do yoga, but my local class has finished for this term.  I had rang my yoga teacher at the w/e asking did she teach anywhere else.  Well she rang back last night and said there was a class today, which I went to this morning.  It got me out of bed and focused on sometime other than my desire to die and it is healing into the bargain.  There was definitely someone looking out for me last night.
I think today I am falling back into the 'it couldn't be true' category.  I have so much uncertainty around my memories, such detachment it is hard to let the reality, the feelings in.  I still struggle with this even though I know this is the path to healing and well being, which I want. It just is so difficult to be with the pain, the awful truth of what  another human being did to me.  I can't balance this and function in the everyday world.  And being and looking 'normal' is so important to me so nobody will see the real me and how I loath myself, how this secret consumes me and has taken so much.
Thanks again Revenna.  I know I am not alone.  We journey together.
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lostsoul
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Re: struggling
Reply #3 - May 15th, 2008 at 1:13am
 
Ciaro,

Sorry I haven't been around to offer support but when I read your inital post all I could think of is how much I need you around. We may not post to one another much but over the years you have been such a strength and support to me. I only wish I could return the aide and help you in your down times. When I was at my lowes you would write some things and it would make me realize that I could get through it. Please know that even though we are oceans away I am sitting right next to you, listening to you, feeling your pain, and offering my support - even if it's just being there in spirit with you. I am glad you are here on this Earth and I NEED you.

I understand your pain. I know we all deal with those deep dark times but like you said you have been through it enought to know that if you stay strong it will pass and hopefully soon things will be better.

When you wrote of sitting by your mother and willing her to listen to your heart, you pain and such it made me smile. Not in happiness, but in knowing I am not alone. I still do that to this day. I stopped going to couseling because no matter how many times I sat there pretending all was well I would pray she would see through my act. yet it never happened. I think in our own ways we all are crying out for help - even if we are silent when doing so.

Also when you mention occasionally questioning if it is true, I too can relate to that. I have always remembered the details of my past yet I go from time to time pretending, hoping it isn't true. . . it just can't be true even though deep in my heart I know it is. I think it is just hard to understand how another person can be an animal but the important thing to remember is we have survived. Those days are not here - even though at time it seems we are still living in those times, they are in the past and we are older, wise and most importantly STRONGER.

Please know I am here, I understand your pain and I can relate to the yearning for all to be better once and for all.  Please also know that you are desperately needed. I need you to fight. You are a special person and your life is very important to so many of us.

Take it one day at a time and one minute at a time if needed. Please keep posting and get those rotten feelings out.

Kate
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ciaro
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Re: struggling
Reply #4 - May 15th, 2008 at 4:37pm
 
Hi Kate.
I just somehow wiped out my origiinal reply to you.
thanks so much for being here, your kindness and support and your kind words towards me. 
I'm doing a little better today, just having waves of anxiety and panic at times.  this is an old problem that seems to be surfacing at the moment, so there must be lots of things going on subconsciously for me.  I am really having to work at reminding myself that I am safe. 
Thanks again for being here.  When I'm here I feel your preence and that of others at bti and feel more connected to bti than to some people in my life. 
So thanks

ciaro
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