Hi,
its been a while. I'm sorry I haven't been here to seek and give support, but I have thought of you often.  I am having a hard time right now so here I am pulling out all the stops to get help and keep myself safe. 
there is nothing new in what is happening.  As most of you know I've struggled with recovering repressed memories, mostly because I don't want to know. I just want it to go away and in between I try and accept it, to let it in, to heal and somehow I muddle through and live and have some good times in the midst of this process.
I had therapy today and this evening found myself lying on my bed curled up considering opening the drawer and taking out the pills I continue to keep 'just in case'. 
I tell you this not to have you worry, you are not responsible for me, I am responsible for myself.  I tell you in the hope that saying it will stop me doing it.  It shocks me that so many years into therapy and healing I can still find myself in this darkness, trying to stay sane. 
I think today for the first time, I REALLY let in a little reality of the horror of a particular act of abuse to me. I have a habit of talking about things but being so disconnected that it has nothing to do with me. Actually I struggle with any sense of 'me'. But today something is different.  I think I am going into shock and want a way out. 
I am going through all the motions of doing the right things, being here is one of them. I tell myself I am safe, that it is ok to feel, it is necessary to heal, that I can stay with this, that it is the right thing to do to help me.
You know after this particular incident as a child I remember going downstairs after and sitting in the kitchen watching my mother grind beef into mince.  My memory is that I told her what happened. Though I know I didn't say a word.  I sat there and willed her to know, to turn around, to see me, to just know what happened.  I realise now I was too young to have the words to describe what happened,  to tell.  What happened was bad, so I was bad, so if I told I did something bad I would get in trouble. I feel that small today.  I remember I couldn't have told, I just didn't have the language of knowledge to do that.
Thank you for taking the time to read this and be with me for these few moments.  It is good to know that I am not alone and that there are others who understand.

Hi Revenna,
Its good to see you too. Thank you so much for being here and responding.  Yes, I think we must have been torn in two, I still am.  There is always this big secret, I always hide, even from myself at times. 
I think I'm a little more grounded today.  I suppose one good thing about healing for so long, I know there is truth in the saying 'it will pass'. I knew even yesterday if I could just hang on it would get better.  And today I am not as desperate. 
It was amazing actually.  I do yoga, but my local class has finished for this term.  I had rang my yoga teacher at the w/e asking did she teach anywhere else.  Well she rang back last night and said there was a class today, which I went to this morning.  It got me out of bed and focused on sometime other than my desire to die and it is healing into the bargain.  There was definitely someone looking out for me last night.
I think today I am falling back into the 'it couldn't be true' category.  I have so much uncertainty around my memories, such detachment it is hard to let the reality, the feelings in.  I still struggle with this even though I know this is the path to healing and well being, which I want. It just is so difficult to be with the pain, the awful truth of what  another human being did to me.  I can't balance this and function in the everyday world.  And being and looking 'normal' is so important to me so nobody will see the real me and how I loath myself, how this secret consumes me and has taken so much.
Thanks again Revenna.  I know I am not alone.  We journey together.

Hi Kate.
I just somehow wiped out my origiinal reply to you.
thanks so much for being here, your kindness and support and your kind words towards me. 
I'm doing a little better today, just having waves of anxiety and panic at times.  this is an old problem that seems to be surfacing at the moment, so there must be lots of things going on subconsciously for me.  I am really having to work at reminding myself that I am safe. 
Thanks again for being here.  When I'm here I feel your preence and that of others at bti and feel more connected to bti than to some people in my life. 
So thanks

ciaro