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Hey everybody! (Read 3039 times)
Mandi
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Texas
Gender: female
Hey everybody!
Apr 7th, 2008 at 10:03am
 
Hey friends!!

I miss each and every one of you.  I miss the way this place used to be.  I cherish all of the support  and friendship that I've received here.  You all have been so wonderful!  I hope your absence is a good thing.  I have been busy at work and life.  I come in to check occasionally.  But everything is so quiet these days. 

I guess I will share a little update from my life.  Things are always so up and down ~ as usual for all of us.  Lately, it's been a little bit harder.  I've felt like I needed to get away and work only on the past.  I have too many distractions in my everyday life.  My therapist found a really good place in Arizona.  But it's expensive.  If I go, I would have to stay for a month.  Take off of work and life.  AND I would have to ask my mom to borrow the money to pay the large amount up front.  We  just can't put the money up front at the moment.  Insurance would pay for half.  So I could pay my mom back with insurance and the rest later.  I am too afraid to ask though.  She doesn't even know I go to therapy.  My email to her that I've already written ~ but not sent ~ just talks about an eating disorder that I need to get help for.  That is something that would make sense to her.  She knows I'm not a good eater.  There are always comments about it.  Of course the eating disorder is a front for the trauma therapy.  BUT ~ I just don't know what her response would be.  So I'm afraid.  And I also don't want to open things up with her for conversation.  It's scary.  I don't want to talk about the past with her at all.  I just can't make myself do it. SO ~ here I am.  In a really bad place mentally.  And not able to ask for help.  I am starting to feel a little bit better in the past week.  I've been working on some hard things in therapy.  Which has made it hard to deal with life.  It is clear in my flashbacks that my dad wanted to kill me at one point when I was 13.   He stuffed a pillow over my head.  I can't breathe when I think about it.  And it pops into my head all the time.  ANYWAY ~ other than that ~ work is OK.  Not thrilling.  Just a job.  My daughter is a bit more stable now.  She has a boyfriend that we like and she is happy with.  My son is doing OK ~ but he wrecked is car and it's in the shop for 2 weeks.  I am driving a rental car because he's too young to drive it.  And he is driving my car.  I can't wait until it's fixed.  He has to pay us back for getting the car fixed.  At least he was OK.  I hope everybody is doing well.  I miss you!!!!

Big hugs,
Mandi Cheesy
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At some point, you have to make a decision.Boundaries don't keep other people out.They fence you in.Life is messy.That's how we're made.So,you can waste your lives drawing lines.Or you can live your l
 
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revenna
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Kansas
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Re: Hey everybody!
Reply #1 - Apr 9th, 2008 at 10:41am
 
Mandi,

It is always good to see you here.  I know what you mean about it being so quiet.  I miss the ways things were, too.

I don't blame you for feeling afraid to open up with your mom.  I think it's always hard to talk with our families about what went on in the past (or what our needs are now) because they were a part of it.  I do hope you will be able to get whatever help you need, in whatever form.  Please let us know if you are able to go to Arizona.  I always wish you the best.

I'm sorry for the memory about your father wanting to kill you.  I'm sure glad he wasn't successful!  The more I uncover of my own past, the more I realize these men were very, very sick and would do whatever it took to get what they wanted.  I'm sorry for your experiences, Mandi, but I'm glad you survived!

My life has been up and down, too.  My mother-in-law has been very ill and isn't expected to live much longer.  I've been having all sorts of strange physical symptoms again.  It finally dawned on me that this experience with my mother-in-law is mirroring what I experienced when my own mother died and I was left to live alone with my pedophile father.  Just figuring that out has made me feel calmer!  Yea!

I think about you every day, Mandi.  Thanks for sharing with us!

Rev
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Ginee
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Posts: 463
Louisiana
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Re: Hey everybody!
Reply #2 - May 8th, 2008 at 12:25pm
 
Hi Mandi!

I miss being here too. Glad to hear things are generally going well with the family. The retreat sounds like a great opportunity. A month is a long time! But it might be a good escape for a while so you can focus on yourself without the distractions of everyday life. I don't know if I could be away from my family that long. I get so homesick! Keep me filled in on what happens.
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You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own and you know what you know. And you are the one who'll decide where you go. ~Dr. Seuss
 
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