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My Mothers Comment (Read 3717 times)
Tracey
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My Mothers Comment
Mar 30th, 2008 at 8:41am
 
I feel a stranger here and I'm sorry for my absence.  Things are generally great; joined a local meditation group, started playing the violin and joined a local writers group and loving it all.  Apart from appendicitis 3 weeks ago and surgery to have it removed, health is good too.

With that reason, I hadn't seen my mother for 3 weeks and popped by today to do the dutiful visit, alone this time.  Her health hasn't been good recently and had the symptoms of a similiar illness 6 years ago when she was in hospital for 8 weeks and extremely ill.  She is doing OK.  A neighbour had died this week and she is going to his cremation this week.  I took this opportunity to talk to her about what she wanted when the time came, so I got her wishes of what she wanted.  I also asked if she was in hospital like last time, who would she want to visit her, i.e. would she want my brother?  She said no initially, and then hesitation.  I am sympathetic that she is still her first born son and who knows how one would feel at the end of our lives?  She asked why I had asked this and I said that I need to prepare myself for any meeting with him to protect myself.  She said that is my problem and that at least "all this wasn't her (my mothers) fault!"

OUCH.  I didn't want to hear those words.  I know it is my brother that did it, but she saw it with her own eyes once and simply shouted at us and did nothing about it.  As usual, I sat there speechless when she had said this and now the tears are here.  I know it is the child that is crying and I wish I hd the courage to say what I really wanted to say to her and failed to on this occassion.

BTI has always been my sancturary and I'm grateful to be able to express my feelings here until I get to therapy next week.

I'm grateful that I sought therapy to make me into a different mother to that of my own.
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revenna
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Re: My Mothers Comment
Reply #1 - Mar 31st, 2008 at 12:47pm
 
Tracey,

It is always good to see you here.  I'm so glad for all the good things that are going on with you and I'm glad you are enjoying your activities.

I'm sorry, though, for your mother's comment.  How is it our mothers don't believe they are responsible?  I think when a parent sees a child being abused by a sibling, that parent becomes responsible from that point on.  It was your mother's job to stop the abuse once she knew of its existence.  And to my way of thinking, shouting at you is not the same as taking responsibility for what was going on in your family.  My mom simply went into denial.  She did ask my dad once why I was acting out in a sexual way, but when she got the answer she wanted from him, she went right back to denying that there were any problems in our home.

My heart goes out to you, Tracey.  I'm glad you understand that your mother did bear some responsibility for what happened, as well as your brother.  Please don't be too hard on yourself for not saying anything about your mom's comment.  I think sometimes it just takes us survivors awhile to process these situations and even know if a reply is necessary.  I never have a reply handy when I'm caught off guard, and I think it would have been hard to know what to say on the spur of the moment with the kind of comment your mother made.  I think you've done an excellent job of handling these issues with your mom and brother, and if in the future you feel a response to your mom is necessary, I know you will find the right words.  You are a very strong survivor!

Rev
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sacredheart
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Re: My Mothers Comment
Reply #2 - Apr 1st, 2008 at 5:53pm
 
Yikes! That would hurt to hear that. I am sorry that was your mom's response. My mom doesn't take any responsibility for putting me in harm's way, either. I don't see how they could, though, if they would have...we wouldn't be in the position that we are in  now. Geeze. I am sorry for your pain of that incident. You are so strong. You could see that through the way that you didn't say what you wanted to say! Ha! It would take so much for me to not over-respond! Although, I am getting better at holding my tongue, these days.
How awesome that you are involved in so many activities that you are enjoying! I find much comfort through creative endeavors and meditation. It helps to re focus on the here and now and creating new dreams for the parts of my life that are unwritten.
It is great to see you back here again! I hope that you continue to do good things for yourself!

sacredheart
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Mandi
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Re: My Mothers Comment
Reply #3 - Apr 7th, 2008 at 9:50am
 
Sorry Tracey!  I think it's hard for some people to accept responsibility for what they've done.  My mom never thinks anything is her fault.  And she never apologizes ~ EVER!!!  It's frustrating.   I'm glad that everything else in your life is going pretty well.  You've made amazing progress!!  Take care!

Big hugs,
Mandi Smiley
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At some point, you have to make a decision.Boundaries don't keep other people out.They fence you in.Life is messy.That's how we're made.So,you can waste your lives drawing lines.Or you can live your l
 
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