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Desperation. (Read 8944 times)
bloodedsky
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Desperation.
Feb 23rd, 2008 at 1:39pm
 
I am 24 years old and was molested repeatedly by my uncle when i was four years old. To make life even more exciting, my parents are both severely emotionally abusive and my father is, furthermore, physically abusive. I was suicidal by the age of 8 and I literally cannot remember NOT hating myself or having the least bit of a sense of cohesive identity. I literally have no friends save for my beautiful soulmate, but when he is at work I am completely alone. And of course he has his own friendships, for which I am happy, because they make him happy; but his happy life underscores how alone I am and how unloved save for him. My parents don't love me, for they were severely abused themselves as children and have not yet grown up inside. I have social anxiety disorder and cannot be around strangers without experiencing panic attacks--hence, I am unable to support myself and I feel completely worthless that I have to depend on the charity of my family. They never cease to remind me of how I "can never make it without them." They're right. I am a loser, and a fat slob, and friendless, and I seem to alienate people with my personality. I'm a freak.

There is a lot more to my life, but those are the basics. I hate myself, I have no one to talk to about my pain (my soulmate listens, but I don't like to talk about it too often for fear of driving him away), and I think about suicide all the time. I cannot see this churning agony ever ending. I think my life was made to amuse those who made it, and those who destroyed it.

Why am I so alone, so friendless? So devoid of a proper family.

Thank you for listening. Blessed be.
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revenna
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Re: Desperation.
Reply #1 - Feb 24th, 2008 at 12:32pm
 
Welcome, Bloodedsky!

I'm glad you found this site.  This is a good place to come and share your thoughts and pain.  Thank you for telling us about yourself.  I'm sorry for the pain you have suffered -- for the molestations from your uncle and the emotional and physical abuse from the rest of your family.  Our families can sure leave us with a lot of stuff to handle. 

Even though we've only met, I think your family is wrong about you.  You're not a loser.  You had the courage to come to this site and post.  I think your family probably just likes the power trip they get from telling you how you "can never make it without them".  It sounds like they're using you to feel better about yourself.  Just a guess.  There are people in my family who are emotionally abusive, too.  No matter who we are or what our problems are, there are usually things we can do to help ourselves.  I am slowly learning to take babysteps to make my life better -- not perfect, mind you, but just better. 

You are welcome to share more, if you want.  It's been pretty quiet around here lately, but the people here are good listeners.  And it's amazing how many of us share the same experiences and challenges.  For instance, I have panic attacks, too (due to PTSD -- post-traumatic stress disorder) so I can relate a little to what you feel.  This is a good place to work on our healing.

Thanks for sharing with us!

Revenna
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Mandi
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Re: Desperation.
Reply #2 - Feb 24th, 2008 at 2:34pm
 
Welcome!  I hope you find this place a safe place to share with others who understand you.

You didn't say whether or not you were in therapy?  Have you ever gone to a therapist?  That would be my first suggestion.  Is to find a good therapist that you feel comfortable with.  If you don't like the first one, keep going until you feel safe with the person.  The first book that I read when I started healing was "The Courage to Heal" by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis.   That book helped me a lot in the beginning.   Another good book is ~ "Secret Survivors" (re: Incest survivors) by E. Sue Blume.  It was like she was a fly on the wall in my house when I was growing up.  She described my life.  Since you have acknowledged that your parents have not yet grown up inside, you at least understand that they are the ones that have the problem.  Which is so true.  YES ~ they are inflicting pain on you because of their past.  But that doesn't give them the right to do what they did.  They should have loved you and protected you.  That's what parents do.  OR are supposed to do.  It doesn't always work out that way.  You are not a fat slob, loser, or a freak.  Try to replace the negative thoughts with the opposite of the negative.  Write those positive words down and stick them on your mirror so you can read and try to keep telling yourself that you are a good person.  You are not a loser.  I know it's hard to believe.  But don't ever give up trying.  It's good that you have your soulmate to help you through all of this.  It proves that you are a worthy person to be loved.  I had a problem with the friends for soooo many years.  I didn't have a role model as to how to have friends.  So I started going to the bookstores and to the self help sections.  All these books were screaming at me.  One at a time ~ I bought them.  But you can also borrow them from the library or buy them used on Amazon.com.  I bought books on how to be a friend/how to have friends.  It helped me so much as I keep trying to heal.  Now I have friends for the first time in my life.  Real friends.  It's hard ~ but you have to start somewhere.  Just sitting around being sad about not having friends did NOT help me make friends.  It only made me feel sorry for myself more.  Like ~ why don't these people like me?  Why don't they reach out to me?   I had to step out of my comfort zone and fake being confident and outgoing.  The more I did this ~ the more people seemed to like me.  The main tip that I would share would be ~ ask questions of people you meet.  Act interested in their lives.  People love to talk about themselves.  So always have standard questions when you go into a social situation.  Every time I go somewhere ~ I think of about 5 questions that I can ask other people.  Even if I know the person.  Like ~ "How is Sarah?  Is she doing well in college?"  People love to talk about their kids too.  And if you take an interest, they feel special.  ANYWAY ~ I'm glad you shared with us.  We are a little quiet around here lately.  But I am sure that we will all come back around sooner or later.  And a few of us check in as much as possible and will eventually answer your posts.  Welcome again ~ and take care!

Big hugs,
Mandi Smiley
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At some point, you have to make a decision.Boundaries don't keep other people out.They fence you in.Life is messy.That's how we're made.So,you can waste your lives drawing lines.Or you can live your l
 
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bloodedsky
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Re: Desperation.
Reply #3 - Feb 24th, 2008 at 10:16pm
 
Mandi,

Thank you. Your post made me smile.

It's just really hard to let go of the self hatred I have become. Not harbored, not felt; become. I don't know what it is like to tolerate myself, let alone love myself. So I don't think I'm ready for friends. I'm not worthy, and anyway, I always seem to come off as strange to other people. I think I'm a strange person.

Thank you so much for reading my post and gifting me with your words. You sound like a strong person.

Blessed be.
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sacredheart
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Re: Desperation.
Reply #4 - Feb 25th, 2008 at 7:23pm
 
Hello, Bloodedsky!
It is such a big step that you have made your way to this site and were able to share a little about yourself. Reaching out for help is key. I am more than certain that you are not a loser and all of the other things that you used to describe yourself. You were caught in other people's hell, this is not WHO you are. It is apparent that you are ready to begin your healing journey. That is HUGE. It is also an often, difficult journey, but nothing like remaining in the emotions of self loathing and feeling alone and awful. I, too, have been where you are now. You are NOT alone here and there will be much support and encouragement. This is where I began my journey back to loving myself and peeling away the layers of years of abuse. I received so much love and excellent advice and was guided in a gentle way (for the first time in my life). We understand the pain and agony and there is a way through it.
I also have suffered panic disorder for years and years. Once I began to address the problem that was underneath it, I have been able to overcome that and feel much more comfortable in social situations. It is a process, I think. I wish that it would have all just changed overnight, but, I did have a little self work to do! So, I want to tell you that there is hope and you can overcome whatever you want. Just take it easy on yourself and be gentle.
I hope that you are able to find comfort in knowing that by coming here you now have a place where you will be heard and understood.
Hang in there and come back whenever you need. It is so good to meet you!

Sacredheart
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KayCee
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Re: Desperation.
Reply #5 - Mar 27th, 2008 at 11:54am
 
Bloodedsky,

Well, now that I'm about a month late on this, I'll do my introduction now. First off, Welcome to this site, the people here are amazing! Ty is this amazing person who I ignored for about 5 months maybe, anywho, she's amazing.
It's really hard to let go of feelings that we've live with for so long, become, that we're afraid that if we let go, we're letting a part of us go, which in a way, we have, and its scary. (Wow, that was a way run on sentence, my english teacher would kill me.)  Wink I've been talking with my cousin, who is a physicologist, and she's been trying to help me let go of guilt, which I'd rather not because it's part of whom I've become.
And if you think you're a strange person, well I reckon you haven't met me. Oh, and something else I was assigned to do by an older friend is to write at least 5 different positive things about myself everyday. I hated it because one, it made me change my thinking pattern, and two, it made me think period. But it helped. And I guess I'm weirder than all ya'll, because about the friend making thing, I can't seem to stop making friends wherever I go, but the truth be told, their not really friends, maybe on the surface, but not deep friends. I guess it was a part of who I was to make amazing friends that I'd have forever, so I do it now just because it's familiar, but I barely make acqaintinces(no idea how to spell that)
But cheer up, because you have made an amazing choice coming here. And these people will more than likely, be able to help you, be there for you, laugh with you, or cry, I will try my hardest to make a smile come to you face, that's my job, well thats what I think anyway.

Hang in there, and take one day at a time.
All my love,

Becca
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There is so much scope for the imagination.&&~Anne of Green Gables~
 
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bloodedsky
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Re: Desperation.
Reply #6 - Mar 28th, 2008 at 3:09pm
 
If I were to let go of the guilt and self-hatred and mediocrity and depression, I'd have nothing left. I'd be a shell.

Oh, wait--I *am* a shell!

I don't have the foggiest notion of who I am. I actually tell things to myself like, "Well, you love kittens, and you like exercise, and you're lazy sometimes, and you adore the colour red," but factual things like that aren't really who a person is. They're the results of the true identity. And for me, that identity is....

Where the hell is it, exactly? Or who? Or when? I don't even know what questions to ask.

I feel like I am broken. Completely broken from the inside out. I can smile while I am typing this, because saying these things is no longer a litany for sympathy; rather, these things have become my reality. They're just me, just as my hair colour is dark brown.

So, yeah. Smiley Thanks for your kind words, but somehow it isn't enough to know I'm not alone in this. I'm in this, and it doesn't matter who else is. I am reminded every day of how little I matter to the world with every person I meet: People tend to talk over me, look at me disdainfully, find my humour bizarre and not the least bit funny, or else find me woefully boring. I've had a long time to figure out how to tell when I've alienated yet another person.

I really think that eventually I'll resort to suicide. And I can accept that. A person can only fight for so long, and for so hard, before all of her resources are utterly exhausted.
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Ty
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Re: Desperation.
Reply #7 - Mar 28th, 2008 at 10:32pm
 
Bloodedsky....

Although you feel this desperation, I disagree with the 'inevitable' outcome you see. I know you believe it to be true, as I once did too...but from where I am, I can tell you (whether you believe me or not)...it is not inevitable.

Although you are feeling dark things right now...and you feel as if you are alone....There still is light, and  you are surrounded by individuals here who care about you...it doesn't matter that they don't know who you are....what matters is that they know where you've been...and more importantly, where your path can lead (which can be full of strength and beauty). Don't give up...and keep feeling....you will keep moving forward, and you will (I believe) find that you are not alone....

Be Safe,
Ty
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bloodedsky
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Re: Desperation.
Reply #8 - Mar 29th, 2008 at 6:10pm
 
Ty,

Maybe for some the happy ending is to be. But I'm just not so sure about me.

I keep hurting, the same feelings, the same reasons, day after day. Even I get bored with this cycle sometimes.... I see a therapist but I still grapple with this immense self-hatred.

And I have no idea how to find out who I am.... Living with a blank slate like this is horrible. It's like waking up and having to live someone else's nightmare.... Feeling completely disconnected from just about everything.
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sacredheart
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Re: Desperation.
Reply #9 - Apr 1st, 2008 at 6:18pm
 
My heart is breaking for you.
You have to believe us when we tell you that there truly, seriously can be a "happy ending". I have been exactly where you are right now, and I have tell you that where you are right now is okay. It WILL get better. We can work through this together. You do not have to be alone with your feelings. I have been suicidal many times, in the hospital for it, etc., etc. I never thought that I could get to a place where life was sweet again. But, through counseling, friends here and reaching out to people (even though I don't know any of them!) for a helping hand or comforting words whenever I needed it, and realizing that if I continued doing things the only way that I could see to do them...I was destined for doom....and I was okay with that, too.  Try to stay focussed on one moment or day at a time. The whole picture is too overwhelming. You are not broken...it only feels like that. I am so sorry that you are feeling like you are. Please keep coming back and hopefully you will receive the support, encouragement, understanding and love that you deserve. I will be thinking of you and sending you strength. Life can be sweet for you, I promise!

Sacredheart
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bloodedsky
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Re: Desperation.
Reply #10 - Apr 1st, 2008 at 8:55pm
 
Sacredheart,

Somehow your words resonated with me this evening. It means a lot to me that people read my words and understand what I am experiencing.

This past weekend, things got so bad between my boyfriend's mother and myself that I cut myself again for the first time in three years. I thought she and I should just leave each other alone, but no - she took advantage of a quiet moment in the kitchen today to tell me that "if my therapy were more successful, I would be doing a lot better." It was very hurtful. But I was surprised to realize that I wasn't completely devastated by her words, as I would have been before beginning therapy. So firstly, I know what she said was wrong; secondly, I think I am better than I used to be. That still isn't quite healthy Smiley But I have spent this past weekend reflecting on how I have changed, and I am a very different person than I used to be. It's true, you get into the habit of despair... I'm not sure if I'll ever be free of despair... but it is gratifying to fall into yourself, only to find some bit of strength you never knew you had inside you.

I want so desperately for all of this mental & spiritual anguish to be a memory. Does it ever completely go away?
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sacredheart
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Re: Desperation.
Reply #11 - Apr 2nd, 2008 at 12:22am
 
Dear, Dear Bloodedsky~

You sound much better tonight....I am so glad that you are seeing the strengths that you have! That is a great start! I thought about you today, while I was gardening, and I was hoping that you were feeling better about yourself.  I understand the cutting, too. I am so sorry that you are going through that. I'm also sorry that your boyfriend's mother made such a calloused remark. Some people are just like that and they have no idea what they are talking about. Healing is a slow process, but you will be healthier than you could imagine, if you don't give up on yourself. We have to blow off a lot of stuff that people say, but it is good to honor the pain by recognizing it, at least (that's what I think, anyway!). I had a habit of looking for support from people who have no means of doing anything other than criticize me and bring me down. I am slowly working my way away from continuing to do that. Usually those kind of people are worse off than we know.
Yes! Things can get better and easier! That is the good news. My therapist told me that "IT" never goes away, but, "IT" can become much more insignificant and will hold less power over you. I found this to be really true. But, when a memory or something comes up that overwhelms me and has me freaked out, I come here and write about it or call my therapist. And it is so great that you have a therapist, so you have someone that you can call whenever you need. Mine has been like gold to me.  Something that I use as sort of a Mantra when things get too rough is ,"This is a fading memory". Before I know it.....it becomes a faded memory and things are clearer and brighter on the other side of the painful times.
I am glad that my words resonated with you. I could feel your pain in your posts and really connected with what you are going through. I hope that I am able to help in some way.
Keep remembering the beautiful things in life and how beautiful you are. I am sure that you would not run out of things to love about yourself when you start looking! I am still finding new parts of myself. Take care, my dear one.

Sacredheart
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