revenna
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Sacredheart,
Thank you for your wonderful, caring, supportive reply. I needed that this morning! I finally managed to get some sleep last night, but my mind is still very fuzzy this morning. I think it's because I'm still processing all that has happened these last two weeks. The interesting thing is --- just before this last round of memories came to the surface, there was a day when I was so tired, I could hardly put one foot in front of the other. I thought I was coming down with some sort of cold or flu because that's how my body usually reacts just before I get sick. Since no other symptoms ever materialized, I realize now my tiredness had to do with returning memories. This is the very same thing that happened years ago (in 1996) when my first subconscious memories returned.
Sacredheart, you're right about these memories running deep. When I left home at 19, I only had a few conscious memories of sexual abuse -- mainly when my father would talk about sex and want to expose himself to me (as a "way of educating me"). It took another 13 years before the subconscious stuff started to surface, and then it was in the form of PTSD symptoms and rape dreams. In 1996, I started to finally understand what had happened to me. The trigger for all this was a phone conversation I had with my dad on his 80th birthday. He said to me, "All my friends are gone." Consciously, I knew he was telling me that because of his age, all of his friends had died. But subconsciously, I connected this piece of information to his pedophile group and must have finally felt free to allow these deeply-buried memories to resurface. My memories became even stronger when my dad died in 1999. Now, seeing this obituary of another group member on the internet has unleashed even deeper memories.
I feel like I must be getting close to the end of these memories. Surely not much more could have happened! I think your description of this group as cult-like is accurate. I do know these men had quite a network going, sending messages through post office boxes. I wonder if other children were brought to the trailer. I assume that since I was there (and my father allowed other men to molest me), that there must have been other children involved. I do know the names of each pedophile's children, and that seems odd since we did not grow up in the same communities or go to the same schools. So I assume I "knew" these kids, too. I find myself wondering if my dad molested other children. I assume the answer to that is "yes", too.
I do hope my story helps others. Yes, I come here and write these things for my own benefit. But I hope that in writing about my father's group, it will give others the courage to talk about their own experiences. I think this type of thing was much more common than people realize.
Sacredheart, thank you for saying that I matter to you. What a wonderful thing to say -- and just what I needed right now! You matter to me, too, and I am so grateful for your support and encouragement. I wish you well as you continue to process your own past.
Rev
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