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Going crazy (Read 4078 times)
ciaro
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Going crazy
Oct 3rd, 2007 at 2:21pm
 
Thats me.  I'm going crazy.  For some reason last night, I decided to luck up about repressed memories.  I've never looked up anything about abuse before or memories or dissociation.  I did this deliberately, as I was concerned I would be mislead. 
Now I feel like my head is about to explode.  I don't know what is real, what is not.  There just seems to be so much about false memories, it scares me.  I don't understand it at all.  And I am frightened.  What if I'm making it up???  What if its not real?? 
I feel crazy.  I often do anyway.  for so long I've wanted to believe I was wrong, because to believe was too awful.  But why would I make things up??  Why on earth woud I put myself through this agony??  I've never actively gone searching for memories or anything.  If I'm truthful, I've always vaguely remembered some abuse with my brother.  I was just too ashamed to even acknowledge it, in case it was my fault.  I just felt 'bad'.  Even still in therapy I don't actively 'look for' memories.  I just want some peace. Thats all.....
I wish I had never looked it up.  I am falling off the edge of sanity with this one.
I would value your iinput on this.
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revenna
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Re: Going crazy
Reply #1 - Oct 3rd, 2007 at 8:12pm
 
Ciaro,

I'm sorry you're going through a difficult time right now.  With all this information about false memories out there, it's hard for those of us who truly experienced abuse to sort it all out.  I used to feel as you do, Ciaro, wondering if I was really abused or if I was making something up.  But it's like you said -- why would we do this sort of thing and put ourselves through such agony?  I believe our memories are true.  One of the things I've been able to do, whenever I've recovered a memory, is look at the way I acted just afterwards at that particular point in my childhood.  With the early abuse, I have very few memories, but as I got older, it's become evident to me that I was trying to "remember" the days when abuse occurred by marking them in some sort of way.  I had a tendency to store lots of little details away in my conscious mind about the days when I was abused.  It's as if I was trying to put a "mental bookmark" in my brain so that I could come back and look at that day at a later point in my life.  Also, I look at my adolescent and adult behavior.  Over the years I have "acted" like a victim of abuse -- with symptoms of post-traumatic stress, rape dreams, an anxiety disorder, etc.  Why would have I these symptoms if nothing bad had ever happened to me.?  Also, I have tended to become friends (both as an adult and as a teenager) with people who reminded me of the people who abused me -- either physical characteristics or personalities, etc. 

Ciaro, I hope you can find some peace amid all these confusing and fearful thoughts.  I've been right where you are at.  I feel a great deal of frustration towards the people who say our memories are false.  I always try to remind myself that these people can say we have false memories, but they can never prove that our abuse didn't occur.  Remember, they have their own unhealthy agenda in mind (often they are abusers who want everyone to doubt that they did anything wrong).  So keep hanging in there and trust yourself.  You are not crazy!

Rev
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ciaro
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Re: Going crazy
Reply #2 - Oct 5th, 2007 at 2:54pm
 
Thanks Revenna.
Thanks for your steadiing words.  My anxiety over this went off the scale and I really need some clear talking from people who are informed and understand.  I was in such a state, I did ring my therapist, who as always has a very balancing affect on me.  She is full of common sense.  Reading what I did just tapped right into my own fears and anxieties.  I was always told nobody would ever believe me anyway and unfortunately my ineffective and unsuccessful attempts to tell my mother re-inforced to me that I didn't matter really and was not taken as a valued person.
This week has really rocked  my delicate foundation.  I am trying to maintain balance, but don't seem to be very successful at the moment.  I just want to curl up under a rock and not exist, but life goes on, so I will go through the motions until this passes.

thanks,  I don't know how to thank you for your support.....
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Mandi
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Re: Going crazy
Reply #3 - Oct 12th, 2007 at 10:42pm
 
Hey Ciaro!

I know this is late ~ sorry!  I hope you are feeling better.  I liked what Revenna said.  It's not just about the abuse.  It's how we responded to things and acted along the way.  And who we picked as friends or boyfriends.  I think I feel comforted by being around people who are in charge.  I just feel more secure when somebody else is taking the lead.  That's because I didn't have a choice.  And to make a choice by myself is scary.  I always think I'm gonna make a mistake.  I think the "false memory" thing is real.   But it's also blown out of proportion.  There are some people who can be led to believe certain things if a therapist suggests things that may have happened.   And even though I have a hard time connecting with my memories ~ I realize that it IS me.  It's just hard to connect.  That's why we feel like it's not real at times.  Because we are trying so hard to push it away.  We don't want it to be us.  My story is so unreal to me at times.  I wonder where the hell people were when I was growing up.  There's just too much that happened.  But all the pieces fit together like a big puzzle.  If somebody else was telling me my life story as if it was theirs, I might think it sounded crazy and hard to believe.  Because how could so much have happened to one person?  And how could she still be alive?  Ya know?  So I never doubt my memories.  I know they are real.  Like you said, why would we make something like that up?   It does us no good at all to make stories up and live in misery.  What would be our payoff for that?  I'm glad that your therapist was able to make you feel better.  It's amazing when we have a good therapist ~ they can really make a difference in our healing.  I always feel so much safer in my therapist's office.  I wish I could always be there so I could feel safe.  Well ~ hang in there and I hope you do feel better now.  None of this is fun or something that we want to deal with. 

Big hugs,
Mandi Smiley
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At some point, you have to make a decision.Boundaries don't keep other people out.They fence you in.Life is messy.That's how we're made.So,you can waste your lives drawing lines.Or you can live your l
 
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