Ciaro,

I'm sorry you're going through a difficult time right now.  With all this information about false memories out there, it's hard for those of us who truly experienced abuse to sort it all out.  I used to feel as you do, Ciaro, wondering if I was really abused or if I was making something up.  But it's like you said -- why would we do this sort of thing and put ourselves through such agony?  I believe our memories are true.  One of the things I've been able to do, whenever I've recovered a memory, is look at the way I acted just afterwards at that particular point in my childhood.  With the early abuse, I have very few memories, but as I got older, it's become evident to me that I was trying to "remember" the days when abuse occurred by marking them in some sort of way.  I had a tendency to store lots of little details away in my conscious mind about the days when I was abused.  It's as if I was trying to put a "mental bookmark" in my brain so that I could come back and look at that day at a later point in my life.  Also, I look at my adolescent and adult behavior.  Over the years I have "acted" like a victim of abuse -- with symptoms of post-traumatic stress, rape dreams, an anxiety disorder, etc.  Why would have I these symptoms if nothing bad had ever happened to me.?  Also, I have tended to become friends (both as an adult and as a teenager) with people who reminded me of the people who abused me -- either physical characteristics or personalities, etc. 

Ciaro, I hope you can find some peace amid all these confusing and fearful thoughts.  I've been right where you are at.  I feel a great deal of frustration towards the people who say our memories are false.  I always try to remind myself that these people can say we have false memories, but they can never prove that our abuse didn't occur.  Remember, they have their own unhealthy agenda in mind (often they are abusers who want everyone to doubt that they did anything wrong).  So keep hanging in there and trust yourself.  You are not crazy!

Rev