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useless (Read 4152 times)
Mandi
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useless
Sep 21st, 2007 at 1:09am
 
Hey everybody!

I'm just feeling kinda sad.  My husband is out of town and has been since Tuesday.  He will be home on Sunday.  Not too much longer.  I am just having major flashbacks from my bladder infection.  I had them growing up and my father didn't seem to care about that.  So the flashbacks are both visual and body memories.  Not good.  I am also not doing well in the breathing department.  But I guess it is just what I have to deal with.  I need to try to go to sleep.  But I found this song and the words seemed to fit me.  So I thought I'd share. 

Big hugs,
Mandi Sad

Useless
BY: Imogen Heap

I am a mirror, with no reflection
I am a razor, without my blade
I am the daylight, when the moon shines no
Who will want to make my sandcastle that’s already made

I feel so useless, do you

Speak to an ear deaf to my voice
Look through your fear, still blind to my way
I reach to hold you, but I don’t feel you there, do you
Even realize I'm here am I just wasting away?
No wasting away
Living, inside your play

My dying prayer, sealed in a scream
Unwelcome, and a conscious dream
I am your whore, without a name
I climb to fall, to begin again, to begin again
I climb to fall, suffer, hatred, deceit and pain
Anger, regret, loving in vain

I am an arrow, with no direction
My life your tarot, my picture your fate
I'm your becoming, so ill always be nothing
If i ever break away from you that day forth, you’ll be living
My hate
Oh God help his fate
I'll watch you, watch you suffocate
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At some point, you have to make a decision.Boundaries don't keep other people out.They fence you in.Life is messy.That's how we're made.So,you can waste your lives drawing lines.Or you can live your l
 
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ciaro
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Re: useless
Reply #1 - Sep 21st, 2007 at 4:03pm
 
Hi Mandi,
I'm sorry you are having a hard time.  Having an infection would make anyone feel unwell and vulnerable.  for you of course there's the body memories.  Its understandable that you are sad.  Its hard to manage on your own. The anxiety of flashbacks and beign sick would affect your breathing too.  I'm glad you could come here and share with us.   I hope it helped you feel less alone for even just a few minutes. 
The lyrics really reflect how I sometimes feel also.  Thanks for sharing them.
But you know Mandi, we see you, we hear your silent scream and we understand.  It should not have happened Mandi.  You should have been safe, been protected.  But you are not alone.  We are here!!
I hope by now you have managed to get a little sleep at least.
Thinking of you
ciaro
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I am always more than my struggles
 
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Rivkele
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Re: useless
Reply #2 - Sep 21st, 2007 at 9:22pm
 
((((Mandi))))
I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad and having flashbacks. Urinary infections must be so triggering. I'm fortunate that I don't tend to get them but I do get mysterious pains down there from time to time and they are very triggering. It's just hard to deal with this stuff Embarrassed! It's really too bad you have to be on your own while this is happening. I'm glad you reached out to us. We are here for you, even if it's not as good as a 3D presence. The song is so sad. I'm sorry you are relating to it so strongly right now.

Hang in there!

Hugs,

Riv
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'A person should want to live, if only out of curiosity'        Yiddish proverb
 
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revenna
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Re: useless
Reply #3 - Sep 27th, 2007 at 1:47pm
 
Mandi,

I'm sorry I'm so late in replying.  I've had a terrible cold and have spent most of the week recupperating.  I'm sorry about your flashbacks and infection.  I hate bladder infections.  They can sure make a person feel miserable.  I can certainly understand why you would be triggered by this.  I hope by now you are starting to feel better.

Rev
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