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Wish me luck! (Read 3699 times)
Tracey
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Wish me luck!
Apr 25th, 2007 at 4:41pm
 
I'm in the process of applying for a new job. †I am soooooo unhappy in my current role and have been hanging in on there for redundancy (which will come) and had a lightbulb moment on Monday when I realised that "something has got to change".

I work in IT (software automation testing for american payroll application - bit boring I know, sorry Allen if you are reading this Smiley) and my company was taken over by a very big American Company (no offense to those over there) a few years ago. †It has all changed and the stress levels are unbearable. †I work on team of four and the most composed of them all handed his notice in on Monday because of the stressful working conditions and unrealistic deadlines we are now set for our releases. †I immediately paniced with thoughts that more work and I can't cope with what I have. †I cried all the way home that night in my commute.

My husband has been away abroad for a week and came back thankfully last night. †We have talked about my work situation and the "block" that has always been between us has finally come down. †He has always wanted me to stay in IT because of the high income, and has found it difficult to understand that I want to do work that is more meaningful and in a caring profession, even though I didn't really know where that was going....?

I saw a job today advertised at our local council for a support worker for families and children. †The money is less the job is a lot nearer (i commute 45 mins each way a day). †It honestly sounds right up my street.

I have now updated my CV with all the courses I have been on through the adoption route (attachment disorder) and what I am currently doing one weekend a month (Transactional Analysis) and my application is ready to be handed in tomorrow.

It's early days - yet after 12 years in IT I have finally taken the plunge into something totally new and unknown and 'exciting'. †The application will be out there and who knows........

I would welcome this opportunity so much - you don't know how much.

I will have to sell my car and private numberplate to fund the salary reduction - and it is worth it. †This is what I really want and am craving for. †Even if this application doesn't work out, I have made the commitment to myself to take that step into the unknown and value life and helping children (along with my own).

My daddy was the only person who loved me kindly, however he showed his love materialistically; He was a workaholic and not around much and thought to show love was to give me what ever I wanted when ever I wanted it. †Dear Daddy, this has been a hard lesson to learn, and I am pleased to find true peace and love with my family and not the amount of household income - money is NOT happiness.

Wish me luck with my application in social services!!!!!!!!

Thanks ~ Tracey
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lostsoul
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Re: Wish me luck!
Reply #1 - Apr 26th, 2007 at 1:30am
 
Tracey,

BEST OF LUCK! I am so darn excited for you. When will you hear something?  I am thankful your husband is supporting you with this move and that you are so determined to do this. I know you have been unhappy in your job for quite some time and now you can do something that will really matter to you. PLEASE, let us know how things go.

kate
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revenna
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Re: Wish me luck!
Reply #2 - May 21st, 2007 at 11:45am
 
Tracey,

Somehow I missed this post.  I'm so sorry!  I think it's great that you are looking into other work.  Here in the US I keep hearing how our American jobs are becoming more and more stressful.  I'm sorry that is true in the UK, too.  I think it's wonderful that you have a sense of who you are and what kind of work would be best for you.  I hope you find something that is just right for you.

Again, I'm sorry for missing your message.  I hope things have gone well for you.  Please keep us updated.

Rev
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Tracey
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Re: Wish me luck!
Reply #3 - May 25th, 2007 at 7:49am
 
Dear Kate and Rev,

Thanks for your replies and Iím sorry Iíve not updated as to how things stand today.  Itís taken me time to get to the place where I am writing this today.

I havenít heard anything and Iím aware that social services do not send out letters to say if you are unsuccessful to save on the use of paper.  So, I instinctively went to the place that ďIím not good enoughĒ, etc Ö.. and down I went.

Upon reflection, I do have pattern in my life where I can set situations up for myself; to get excited about something and then it is snatched away from me as quickly as the joyous feeling came.  Maybe this is such a case.  Where I look at reality, I need some more experience behind me of working with children, and my experience of my adopted children and the courses we have been on for that are not enough alone at this moment in time.

Iíve been through the positives of what my current job does allow me to do and am focusing on these:

o      Have half a day off a week (Weds afternoons), where I can attend therapy and then pick my children up from school one day per week.
o      Income that allows me to pay for my training in TA and for my therapy.
o      Good holiday allowance on top of bank holidays.

Also, focusing on the fact that my own children are only 6 and 9 yrs and I am getting glimpses of feeling natural joy in their presence and want to soak up this time with them, as time does fly by so quickly.  The time will come when they will not need me so much, and at that time, I can venture into supporting other children and will look back and not hear the words from my own kids that ďI was there for others and not there for them.Ē

I am going to look around for some voluntary work with kids, that will feed my interest to work in that areas as long as give me some actual work experience for future job applications in the future, when the time is right for our family.

On a side note, what has also picked me up is the course I attend in TA.  This past weekend when I was there was fantastic for the information I absorbed and the experience of being there this weekend.  I am on a ďhighĒ from the information on scripts and early life decisions and itís like the penny has dropped in understanding of my own early life decisions and an incy bit of compassion for my inner child.   I did go into therapy and discussed all this with my T and went through with her all my injunctions (like, donít feel, donít be close, donít be important, donít grow up, donít exist, donít enjoy, etcÖ.)  I have 10 of the 12 that TA use.  I simply thought that by saying to myself the permissions against them now as an adult, that ďIíll be fixed nowĒ.  Here again is a situation where I could be setting myself up again to have the joy snatched away.  My T said that I have built up defenses in order to exist and see the world and have lived this way for 29 years and itís not going to change overnight now that Iím aware of this situation.  If anything, that gave me permission again to heal at my own pace and slow down in order to please others.

Thatís my update.
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lostsoul
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Re: Wish me luck!
Reply #4 - May 26th, 2007 at 1:09pm
 
Tracey,

Thanks for filling us in - I'm happy to hear what's going on in your life. I somewhat understand social services not being able to let everyone know if they dont make it, but I also understand how unfair it is to have people sit in anticipation of waiting to hear. That part isn't fair.  You do seem to be handling it well and with a very strong attitude - trying to continue your improvement so you can still rach that goal.

Glad to hear your bonding so closely with your kids. I know things, at one time, were difficult with J. Guess they have improved?  How is she doing?

I agree with your T in that mentally understanding where we are with things is a strong start but it doesn't mean we are now 'fixed'. It takes time to undo all the walls we have built up around us. Keep working and I know you can do it - you have come so far over the past few years. I have watch you reach some major milestones and have loves celebrating your successes. Keep it going! Also please keep me posted on how things are.

kate
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Hope
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Re: Wish me luck!
Reply #5 - May 26th, 2007 at 10:02pm
 
Tracey,

I am sorry that I did not reply sooner. You are doing really well with all of this and sound incredibly strong. I am glad to read your updates, so much is going on and even the stressful things you handle with grace.

I can completely relate to what you said about not feeling like you are good enough. I sell myself short all the time. I also agree with what your T said about defenses. It is so true.

Take good care and keep us updated!

Hope
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"all who wander are not lost. . ."&&&&don't know who said it, but i like it.
 
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