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Time to accept things. . . but can't (Read 2905 times)
lostsoul
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Time to accept things. . . but can't
Mar 15th, 2007 at 12:01am
 
Well, went to T today. I have been seeing my kids T for a little over a year now. Each time I went I would avoid the subject of me and work on how to handle my ex and the issues he causes with the kids - this can take up a lifetime of sessions but last time I decided I needed to stop avoiding things with her and start working on me.  Last week I told her I needed to learn to like who I am, to accept me and to see the person others say I am-  helpful, kind, smart (yeah right, I just figure I have them all fooled).

Anyway today we stuck to the topic of me and my life. I can handle most of what we discussed but one of the comments has set me swirling and I just can't handle it. She asked if I figure my siblings would be like me (disappears even when around others) if they had been abused.  I told her the 'what if's ' in my life are what I spend numerous hours contemplating: what if I had made myself unabailable for my g/f, what if I told him no, what if I told one of my parents. . . what if. . .. what if.  Here's when she got me BIG TIME-  as I made excuses stating I doubted my siblings were abused she disagreed but her rational was what is getting at me. She commented on how my father was abusive to us kids. He was an overly strict father, one I feared immensley. A very good friend of mine who is a counselor has told me my father was abusive but what gets me the most is I haven't even told my horror stories about my dad to my T. She only knows the surface information - so how can she say he was abusive?  She also got on me (before I even had a chance to do so) about always trying to minimize the abuse (from my father and my g/f).

Deep inside me I have somewhat accepted he was possibly abusive but today it was thrown at me as a fact, one without any question. I honestly don't know if I can accept this, I don't know if mentally I can swallow such a thought.  To this very day the majority of my actions are out of fear of waht he would think if I didn't do the proper thing so I know he still has a hold over me - a mental hold.

Why is life the way it is. . . . why do some people have storybook lives while others of us have the lives we have had.  I have accepted he was overly strict and mean but I don't think I am prepared to admit to what extent.

Sleep. . . . is sleep supposed to be something that is possible tonight???
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revenna
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Re: Time to accept things. . . but can't
Reply #1 - Mar 16th, 2007 at 1:10pm
 
Kate,

Sounds like you had a very powerful session with your T!  First of all, I want to tell you how proud I am of you for speaking up and saying that you need to learn to like and accept yourself.  That took great courage!  We were taught never to take care of ourselves, so when we do, it's a big step.  Good for you!

Secondly, it sounds like your T gave you a lot to think about.  I think it is difficult to accept just how messed up our childhoods were.  Sometimes I think I've intellectually accepted what went on in my childhood home, but emotionally??  That's a whole other issue.  Sometimes it's easier to accept the obvious forms of abuse, like physical abuse and sexual abuse.  But I've had a hard time labeling my father's constant criticism for what it was -- a form of verbal abuse.  I, too, tend to minimize what happened.  And yes, I've spent most of my adult life wondering what people will think of me and knowing that the root of all of this was my parents' constant criticism and negativity.  It's so hard to get past it.

If you don't mind me asking, how did you feel about your T saying your siblings were abused?  Was that a new idea for you?  It seems there is so much information in our dysfunctional families that we need to wrap our minds around.  Every time I accept one idea, there is another one waiting for me!

I agree that you have been given a lot of accept right now.  I think it will take time.  Please be patient with yourself.  All the stuff that happened to us took time (years, actually!).  I know you have the courage and strength to face whatever comes along.  You are a very strong survivor.  Please keep writing and sharing this stuff with us, if you want.  You help all of us when you share your own struggles.

Rev
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lostsoul
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Re: Time to accept things. . . but can't
Reply #2 - Mar 17th, 2007 at 10:41am
 
Rev,

Thanks for your response.  I had to smile when I read the part about you mentally accepting things because that's what I tell my T. . . .there's a part of me that can accept I am a decent person, what happened really happened, that I deserve happiness, but seems like it's locked up in this small part in the back of my head that I am unable to let out or totally believe.  Most of the time I am the one who puts me down the most.

As for the abuse. . I have always worried about my sister the most. She is 4 years younger than I am but then part of me feels she was so young that he probably wasn't interested in her. I know some choose infants but I think part of my g/f's game was his satisfaction and what he had me do to him so chances are she was safe. I have 2 other brothers and am slightly concerned about the one a year above me jsut because I remember odd little interactions between me and my brother - without my g/f but who knows he could have put things in our heads - just stuff like walking around each other naked (more so than would have been normal) and things like that. I do remember asking my brother if he remembered and he got upset at me and told me how stupid he was so who knows if his reaction was because he was appaled at what I told him or if he was hiding.

But, I think my T was meaning the abuse we all endured was from my father and his physical, emotional and verbal abuse. She was saying all us children had to live under his roof and put up with his rules and punnishments. Therefore we were all abused in some form.

I have been doing tons of thinking, reflecting mostly of how I view myself not on the specific abuse and I have come to a conclusion that I am not comfortable living a happy life. I am comfortable being misserable - isn't that pathetic.  It's all I know. I have lived life unhappy and that is my comfort zone. I cna handle little snipits of happiness but then feel I must go back to my dreary life because I don't deserve that happiness. Most of my life it has been an unconscious thing but now that I am finally looking at who this person is that I have become I am seeing so many things I dislike and also finding some that are good, positive attributes yet struggle to accept them.

Oh well, off to get the day started before it has flown away and I have hiddne from the world feeling safe and secure alll by myself.  Rev, I hope you and the rest of the gang here has a wonderful day and that things are starting to lighten up in everyones' lives.

kate
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Mandi
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Re: Time to accept things. . . but can't
Reply #3 - Mar 18th, 2007 at 3:54pm
 
Smiley
Hey Kate!

I checked in on BTI while I was out of town and I wanted to respond to your post then.  But I didn't have time.  I always had people around me so it wasn't very private.  We just got back a few hours ago.  We flew through the night and I didn't sleep at all.  AND Hawaii is 5 hours behind Texas.  So I'm really going crazy about now.  I will probably go to bed about 7pm.  UGGGHHH!!!!  Anyway ~ I understand your post completely.  When I first started working on my family, I didn't think my dad was abusive either.  I mean ~ I knew that he got mad at me and did things.  But I thought that was normal family stuff.  I had no clue that it was as abusive as it was.  The more I talked to my T, the more I realized that I lived in a really abusive home.  I told her stuff that happened like it was nothing.  And she was shocked.  I also minimized things and acted like it wasn't that big of a deal.  Again ~ she couldn't believe that I lived through that.  He was my dad.  I loved him.  I thought he loved me.  I didn't realize how bad it really was.  When we are little, that is all we know.  So we think that is love and we cling to that.  We want it to be love.  So I can see why you are having a hard time with it.  Because you are just now starting to work on YOU.  Just the MILD stuff that you went through was probably abusive enough.  When you really start to dig, that's when you will realize what you made it through.  I think we get immune to the abuse in a way.  That's why we feel it's not that big of a deal.  But it IS a big deal.  Take your time and try to adjust to the new way you are looking at this.  It's hard to swallow at first.  Maybe your dad did abuse your siblings.  Maybe that is why they tease you about being your grandfather's favorite.  Maybe they have no clue that YOU were abused because nobody is talking.  They think they are the only ones and they may even be blaming themselves if they think you were abused.  Nobody wants to talk about it.  Everybody is scared and ashamed.  AND everybody is coping the best way that they can.  Maybe one day if y'all ever get together and talk about it as siblings, it could be very healing for you and them.  Not now of course because you are still working on YOU.  Maybe in the future your T can have a group session with all of them.  Excluding your parents.  Just a thought.  Until then ~ hang in there and work on YOU.  You are not responsible at all for what was done ~ if anything was done ~ to your siblings.  I'm keeping you in my thoughts!!

Big hugs,
Mandi Smiley
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At some point, you have to make a decision.Boundaries don't keep other people out.They fence you in.Life is messy.That's how we're made.So,you can waste your lives drawing lines.Or you can live your l
 
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lostsoul
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Re: Time to accept things. . . but can't
Reply #4 - Mar 18th, 2007 at 4:35pm
 
Mandi,

Thanks, as always, for the encouragement. Still trying to digest things.  Think mostly trying to figure out what all I said directly, or indirectly I guess, to my T to make her so firmly state my father was so abusive to us kids. I know I never told the 'bad' stories.  She also said I am always trying to downplay things and make excuses for things but I just figure he is a product of his father (his father would beat him and was an alcoholic) and my father also was in the military so we grew up in that strict yes sir, no sir environment.  A lot to think about but guess that is what therapy should be all about - guess it's about time I really started working on me and my issues. I have more issues - especially pertaining to my b/f - but not ready to face that one yet.

kate
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