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Work (Read 2832 times)
Tracey
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We grow stronger through
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Work
Jan 14th, 2007 at 2:56pm
 
This week has been one of the worst and emotionally draining at work.

I received my salary review (annually in Jan each year) and it wasn't good; based on previous years - sliced in half.  Worst thing of all is that I was given my letter by my team leaders boss and he said it was based on my 'poor performance' based on last two appraisals.  Well that is the truth, no denying it.  I've been struggling with the restructuring, tasks, appraisals combined with simply living at the moment in time.

What's hurt me the most is that now my team leaders boss knows I'm no good.   Secretly, in my world, I was hoping that only me and my team leader knew I was struggling; that's not reality though.

In the meeting he has with me on Tues, he mentioned that he knew I had 'personal' issues, but wasn't aware of what they were.  At this point I asked him if he wanted/and or needed to know what they were?  He said he would if I wanted to tell him.  I couldn't there and then and simply shut down.  He said that we could have a follow up meeting later and that was that.

I emailed him that night to ask if I could tell him by email as I couldn't verbally do it.  He said that was fine, so I replied with the lot; the abuse by my brother, my mother, being held on the psychiatric ward, the self harm (cutting) when others see me as not good enough as either a mother or employee and that in my eyes I am too slow at my healing and at my work.

His reply was kind and he set up that night to meet last Friday afternoon to discuss.

I haven't been able to eat or sleep in fear of this meeting and the next day after I emailed him with the info, I couldn't look him in the eye and did end up punishing myself to cope.

The meeting is over now and he was supportive.  He has even used that word, that I can feel supported by him.  I still left with things I wanted to say, however, the immense feeling of shame was with me through out the meeting and I was a child sitting there.

Why am I writing all of this?  Because:
1.  I feel worthless and my company now see that too and monetry wise have shown me I am worthless.
2.  I am struggling in my job and even my HR lady and team leader a few months ago said should I be doing something different?  I may well do that in the future, however, I need to live in the present day and 'enjoy' and succeed in what I am doing now.  Their comments have made me feel I don't belong and shouldn't be there and in that respect only have I felt unsupported by them over the last couple of months.  The boss's email stating that I can feel supported by him has touched me.
3.  I am frustrated at myself because I want to be at a 'fixed' place and 'normal' and doing a perfect job like everyone else.
4.  Others now see me as rubbish in my job - who else is noticing?
5.  I hate you brother for me being the consequences of your actions and you don't acknowledge that.
6.  Self harm is an issue and I am not contacting my T for support.  I'm wary of the power she has over me since a situation in December when I left her in a situation of nearly admiting me back onto the psychiatric ward again.

I don't know if I am making any sense?  All I know is it is tough again - immensly hard to see the little good things that are going on whilst there is suffering.

Tracey

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revenna
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Re: Work
Reply #1 - Jan 14th, 2007 at 4:00pm
 
Tracey,

I'm sorry your salary review did not go well.  This must be immensely frustrating for you.  I wanted to tell you I thought you were very brave to e-mail your boss with your personal information.  That took tremendous courage.  I'm glad he was supportive.

I've been thinking about my own situation and how hard it is for us survivors out in the world.  We all have "emotional leftovers" from our abusive childhoods and we sometimes struggle with work and relationships.  I get so tired of struggling and I know you do, too.  I'm sorry for all the thoughts and feelings are you experiencing just now.  You are so brave to come here and be so open with us.  I admire you for that.  I wish you didn't have these added stresses with your work.  I know you have the strength to get through this situation, though.  Please know I am here for you if you want to write more.

Rev
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Tracey
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Re: Work
Reply #2 - Jan 15th, 2007 at 6:23am
 
Hi Rev,

Thanks so much for your reply.  I am aware that I am all muddled and getting out my head whatís going on in words is difficult for me right now too.

You are right, I am tired of struggling, moreso today than when I first began my journey of healing 3 years ago. 

Iím here at BTI because no-one else seems to FULLY understand what I am experiencing and going through.  Both my husband and therapist are sympathetic and supportive, and thatís great.  However, the internal pain for me is crushing and hurting myself is easier than allowing myself to work through the emotional pain and be kind to myself.  I know I have had good times where I look at the scars my arm and think to myself ďhow could you have done that?Ē and now I am in the space where itís all I do and in secret.  Being here allows me to speak without feeling I am burdening one single individual or holding too much hope in one individual, and I know you all understand because youíve been through what I have and experience the consequences in the here and now from it.

Work last week seemed like the final blow and feeling the need to have to tell my boss when I was in an unprepared state to really do so.  Iím honestly not sure now (today) if the way I am feeling is due to my response to telling my boss?

Thanks for listening to me and for allowing me to feel that what I have had to say has been honoured.

Tracey
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lostsoul
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Re: Work
Reply #3 - Jan 16th, 2007 at 9:58pm
 
Tracey,

First GOOD for you to come here and post to help get some of that pain out. I am sorry your salary review didn't go well but please don't take all the blame on all by yourself. There are so many factors which could have caused this.  We are always too quick to beat ourselves down. I something feel I beat myself up so much more than anyone else could ever do.

I am so thankful your boss was so supportive. I think it took some strength to tell him - even via e-mail. He didn't pressure you to tell him yet you did. I think that you need to see that strength in yourself.

We all struggle with seeing our own strengths so here are some of the things I have seen in you:
- you published your story for all to see (I could NEVER have done that and wouldn't even contemplate such a thing
- you are raising two beautiful children and dealing with one who struggles to accept love from others. You could have given up on her yet you went to all sorts of parenting classes, special classes  to help you better help her
- you SURVIVED a horrible childhood and came out as a loving and giving person
-you offer tons of support here  even when you are having down times
-you have helped me tremendously over the years and without all help and support I have no idea where I would be right now.

There are plenty of other wonderful positives you offer in this world. Please stop focuing on the negative things we all tend to focus on and forget the good things about ourselves.

kate
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Mandi
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Re: Work
Reply #4 - Jan 19th, 2007 at 9:40am
 
Hey Tracey!

I can't say it much better than Revenna and Kate.  I understand all of your feelings ~ they are valid.  You are NOT worthless though.  I am so proud of you for telling your boss.  That took a lot of strength!!!  I don't know if I could have done the same.  AND I am so happy that you are supported by your boss.  What I take from that is that he believes you and doesn't think it was YOUR fault at all.  He understands.  That is so rare!  Just knowing that he supports you can help make your job a little easier.   I hope you continue to heal and take special care of you!!  You can do this!! 

Big hugs,
Mandi Smiley
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At some point, you have to make a decision.Boundaries don't keep other people out.They fence you in.Life is messy.That's how we're made.So,you can waste your lives drawing lines.Or you can live your l
 
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