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Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor! (Read 25306 times)
lostsoul
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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #45 - Mar 6th, 2007 at 9:16pm
 
Glad to see you back posting but sorry for the reason you are here, and sorry for your imense pain.  Please don't take this as a personal attack on you. I agree with Mandi in that you have gone above and beyond what most people (male or female) would do.  You understandably hurt because you have lost someone dear to you, close to you, that you can relate to and such but you also have to realize you lost someone who is unable to support you in your times of need, unable to be a solid, constant fixture in your life.  She is unable to give what she has yet to discover - herself.  Unfortunately although her abuse was in the past until we deal with things we just put off the pain and hid it deep within us.  We need to work through things before we can heal.   My guess is she still cares for you (no, don't keep your hopes up because you will just continue to get hurt by her), but she is unable to love. It is impossible to love someone when you don't love yourself. It's impossible to allow anyone to love you when you don't love yourself. She can't love herself yet b ecause she still carries too much pain.

Regarding your kids. . . kids are resiliant and they will be fine. Just focus on them and they will help you through these dark times. I wish I could offer more support but at least know that I care and am thinking of you, hoping all goes well.  One last thing - I am with Mandi in that I can't wait to see a post from you stating you have found a new love who makes you happy. It will happen, just give yourself time to heal.

kate
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Aloyalknight
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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #46 - Mar 6th, 2007 at 10:17pm
 
Thanks Mandi and Kate,

You are both so so so right. (Unfortunately...  Embarrassed ) I just can't find a way to accept it. It iust that simple. I wish I could accept it but I just can't get my stupid head around it.  Embarrassed

She has tried to tell me this. All was going well when outside things were going well but once the circumstances changed with all the stress she became unstable again. She told me she now had more limitations than ever before and that I should not short change myself that I deserved so much better than she can give me and that fact only caused her burden because it continued to deplete her.

It is just so damn frustrating to hear someone say they love you but they cannot do it anymore. Then all our beautiful photos are taken done and we had so many beautiful shots and it is like a sword being slowly put through your chest.

I have boxed my frames away only to help me survive because it was killing me to look at them. I will keep them. This sounds so stupid but I feel we will come back together maybe in 15 years or so because our love seemed so real. But then what would I know about what was real or not real with this girl anymore. One moment I understand her confusion and then I just feel totally let down.

Another day. Today is very hard for me because normally I would stay at her place tonight and then this week end because I do not have my children then. So I will be alone even if in company of others. I just need to focus.

Thank you and thank you again. Believe me I am so thankful for your thoughts and I find it very comforting.

One thing I have to end on though is I love and adore her to pieces. The hurt I was expressing was just hurt. I did not mean it. I just really cannot get angry at her. I understand what is going on. That is my problem I suppose because I just think it is hell for her and hell for me. I love her. I love her.
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Aloyalknight
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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #47 - Mar 7th, 2007 at 3:19am
 
How good is this website! I have just sat down and read all the posts regarding this journey. I had forgotten how hopeless I felt and that I thought it was the end.

I realise I have to stop tormenting myself. It is only me doing the tormenting. I need to stay strong.

This next comment may seem like madness but upon reading all YOUR posts it made me recall all your advice. I still love this girl and I still want to help her. Am I hopeless or what!

I sent a text off today just to show support because I recall I think Kate said she would never reply or would never make contact with her boyfriend. I got no reply but it did not bother me because I figured no reply was far better than "Do not contact me!" I recall that (I think it was  Kate not sure) that each time she got a text it made her secretly happy. I had forgotten all these things. I had also forgotten all the other things.

Now I know this new attitude sounds like madness!? But re-reading the posts from start to finish made me realise how much more I got to enjoy.

I know things are completely different this time because she has the children 24/7 now but it made me re think that her anger at blaming me is baseless it is clearly her own guilt and problems deflected on me. She was probably thinking bugger him his life is still perfect he has no dramas he still has an ex wife to have his children every Wednesday night and second weekend. and so on. Who knows.

Look I wont get my hopes up but I do need to hang tuff and keep strong. On February 16 I weighed 82 kilos I was fit as I have ever been I was told I was looking hot and happy. I looked in the mirror today and saw a man with bags under the eyes with a drawn and sad face and I have lost 7 kilos what in some 18 days! It is madness. I look awful.

So I popped into work late this afternoon and did one hour of some urgent work that was required. It exhausted me because of the situation I am in and it brought back all those memories of last year. I got back home and had a panic attack and rang my sister in law who suggested that I did this last time and we got back when that looked like NEVER happening so why would this be any different. Although she did say they would break my neck if I went back! But it did make me think about things! And hence I re-read all the posts.

Anyway here I am. I will play golf in the morning and then again on Friday so that will keep me busy and hopefully the feel good endorphines will kick in and make this face light up a little bit!

I will at appropriate times fire off a text of support only. No lovey stuff! I did phone her today in a moment of madness and she did answer and I said Hello you beast! Are you job hunting and she said no I have two sick boys at home. I said Oh I will let you be then and said goodbye and hung up.

She could have easily said get lost what are you doing do not ring me. She probably is thinking this man is truly stupid or truly still brilliant. I just feel that for some reason there is a greater purpose in all of this. Maybe I will keep my eyes open if someone walks into my life that catches my eye who knows but I need to get back to looking good looking healthy and looking happy and strong! And I can still endeavour to help but not let it affect me so extremely. I need to wear my invisible bullet proof vest. Valour will prevail!  

I know I am probably being and sounding like a NUT and or STUPID pursuing this but if I dont help this Princess who is. The answer is NO ONE. I saw who she really was the innocent scared and hurt girl and I thought she was beautiful. What she did Saturday night was no more hurtful than last time.

Gods Speed!!!    I Love You All Here in this Cyberspace!

A Loyal Knight.......

  
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lostsoul
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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #48 - Mar 7th, 2007 at 9:04pm
 
Well, sound like you feel you can back off yet still be there for her. WARNING: you are still putting yourself out there emotionally to get walked upon yet again.  I am touched by your love for her but simply think about a wounded animal and how they lash out (typically because of all the pain they are in). Some can be saved and helped while others are just too dangerous to attempt fixing Your girlfriend is a deeply wounded person. Your kindness may be what she needs but it may also be what simply continues your heartache.

Yes, I was the one who said every time I run (as I am doing currently) I do secretly love his messages. I run because I am not good enough: I am damaged goods, unable to trust, to offer the proper things. . .all I bring is baggage. That's the mindset I get in once in a while. I honestly don't know how my b/f endures it or why he would. Sooner or later I know he will tire of me and simply leave and i will kick myself in the butt for being so stupid and acting so stupid - yet I do run over and over. Honestly it is my feeling inadequate but there has to be something deeper.

I understand why your family doesn't want you to hold out for this girl - they can see the pain you experience each time she runs or ends things; they see the hurt she causes you and they only want what is best for you. I think you need to think of yourself and your kids most importantly and see what you feel is best. I do like the idea that you are not shutting off any posibilities of meeting someone else but I just worry you are going to get hurt again, over and over and over.

You are a true dreamer, a true love who believes in what you had. I do hope for your sake (and hers) that things work out but this negative thinking person that I have become worries. . . I feel it's too late for me to ever get past so much. . . can she work through her past, will she want to, will she drag you in and out of this relationship continually ripping you appart. Please just be careful and take care of yourself and your kids.

kate
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Aloyalknight
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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #49 - Mar 8th, 2007 at 11:44pm
 
The reality bells finally rang in my stupid head.

I concluded a bit of my own private investigation and discovered many well kept secrets, several previous male victims and countless pathilogical lies and mind games.

She is a SOCIOPATH. Has been doing this to all and sundry for a long long time including her ex-husband who is now dead.  Not her fault but nothing I can do. A hideous disorder. I'm free, the spell has been lifted and I am lucky to have survived. I will lick my wounds and learn a very very valuable lesson.

Once again thank you all for your kind advice.  Embarrassed Angry
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lostsoul
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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #50 - Mar 9th, 2007 at 1:02am
 
Sorry you had to see the reality of things but very thankful you did. Just think if you waited and hoped for a few more years and then  found out you would have wasted more time. Sorry for your loss but perhaps this is a blessing in that it makes your moving on easier.  Put your time into your kids and good luck moving on. Please, we would love to hear from you when you find that perfect woman who loves you right back. You deserve it, you sound like a wonderful man.

Kate
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Aloyalknight
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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #51 - Mar 9th, 2007 at 6:47am
 
Thanks heaps Kate,

It is a huge relief for me in that by reading all the documentation on female sociopaths I have been able to finally turn my brain off in respect to thinking, but what if I had done that different or not said that or the continual what ifs and why did she say all those beautiful things make all those promises right up to the last moment, why was there always drama in her life, why were there always dramas with her children, why did she always present as the victim the damsel in distress..etc...etc all the "whys" have been truly answered and understood...I now know there is no hope as it is a known fact...SO THAT IN PART IS HUGE.

I no longer pine or miss her because now I know it never meant anything to her whatsoever. I can now move on and get my mind, confidence and happy persona back and hopefully my body back to peak fitness again. Just takes 3 times longer than losing it all!

This is a great website and I know it gave me moments to recover and reflect in some terrible times.

I promise I will come back and hopefully with some brilliant news. In time when I am "me" again I will hopefully attract a beautiful soul where we truly share normal happiness.

After two years of extreme highs and extreme lows I feel like I have been in a war. No regrets though. Probably a journey I had to take to grow within and gain hopefully a final insight into myself. The conclusion now is I have NO EXCUSES. Its onward and upward.

Might even write a book...now there is a thought... Wink Just joking!
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Mandi
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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #52 - Mar 10th, 2007 at 9:53am
 
Hey Loyal Knight!!

I'm so happy to hear that you are in better spirits!!  With that frame of mind ~ you should be just fine!!  I know it won't always be easy.  But you will come out of this a better man.  And your boys will be so proud of you.  I'm so glad that reading back through the posts helped you.  I know that Kate has been a tremendous help because she is on the other side of the relationship and she has given you insight into what your girlfriend might be feeling.  That's great!!  I really can't wait to hear what wonderful news you will be sharing with us in the future!  Please feel free to come share your ups and downs with us.  We are listening!!  Hang in there tough guy!!!

Big hugs,
Mandi Cool
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At some point, you have to make a decision.Boundaries don't keep other people out.They fence you in.Life is messy.That's how we're made.So,you can waste your lives drawing lines.Or you can live your l
 
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