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Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor! (Read 25370 times)
Mandi
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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #30 - Jul 6th, 2006 at 8:00pm
 
I am so sorry for your pain!  I wish I could make the pain go away.  I don't understand her behavior at all.   But maybe Kate is right ~ maybe she has bipolar disorder.  My daughter has it and they are very moody and unpredictable.  It's difficult to deal with alone ~ without the abusive past.  WOW ~ I am shocked and I feel so defeated ~ and it didn't happen to me.   You sound like a wonderful man and very compassionate.   You will find love again ~ you are very worthy of it.  Most women would just LOVE to have such a caring partner.  Maybe she just wasn't exactly the right one this time.   I wish she had decided to try to start to heal on her own.  You can't make somebody change.  It has to come from inside of them.  She must not be ready.  Maybe this will wake her up when she realizes what she has lost.  Hang in there.   We are listening and wish we could do more!!

Mandi ~  Undecided
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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #31 - Jul 9th, 2006 at 2:34am
 
Just need to vent a bit. Yes I think it is so ironic that it is now me that is seeing a T to make sense of the madness that I have been exposed to during the last 17 months.

I had such a strong mind and pure heart and this experience has really affected me greatly. I think because that I got to see what my love would like to have been like and I connected with that person deeply. But unfortunately that was not who she was. She entered our relationship with too many deep dark secrets. I feel a deep breach of trust in a way. My love never had the foundations to sustain any feelings whatsoever. I am very hurt. I miss that innocent fun loving girl that did not seem to have any problems but that was only captured for a moment.

I am dealing with so many emotions of hurt and anger and breach of trust. Even my T said it is sad and tragic in a way. I know my love was just too damaged. She did so many wrong things to continue the damage. Just too much damage and I was another victim along her path.

My soul aches. The way she put the final blow to me on Wednesday was just soul destroying. Our lives will never meet again. You could not comprehend someone changing so quickly. Venting over. Thanks for listening.

A defeated loyal  knight.
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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #32 - Jul 17th, 2006 at 2:34am
 
I am so extremely sorry you have been hurt. It isn't fair is it? She was hurt at a young age and because of that she now has continued that destruction (in another form of hurting someone) and has affected you.  Reading your posts makes me realize all I have probably put my b/f through over the years. Guess there is just something inside of us that has been damaged so much we are unable to get past it all. Who knows, maybe someday she will see what a wonderful man she has let slip through her hands and start working on facing her issues.  Although speaking from experience, it's so much easier to say than actually do and deeply believe. I am happy to hear that you are seeing a T and working on getting past the damage she has caused you. Please understand that all women aren't going to drag you through the same garbage she did. There is someone out there for you, that perfect woman.  Just give yourself time to properly heal so when you venture into your next relationship you don't carry the scar from the wound of this one - again much easier said than done.

Best wishes and we are here to listen if you need.

Kate
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Aloyalknight
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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #33 - Jul 17th, 2006 at 7:25am
 
Thanks Kate. I come here now and then and read the topics.

I would never have known in all my wildest dreams that this experience would have left me in the place I am in now.

I have to be very vigilant with my thinking and stay focused on the concept that my love did not wish for this to happen. BUT having said that it is still a very very hard dynamic to grasp.

But what you have posted is very true.

Sometimes I wish I was never given so much empathy in my soul. It would make life a lot easier.

And what is even more strange. I would take her back in a heart beat!

Oh well. What to do. Each day I start at ground zero. I have a great support group but regaining one's self esteem and faith is a struggle.

A Loyal Knight.

PS My best wishes to everyone.

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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #34 - Jul 31st, 2006 at 7:02am
 
Hello Everyone!

Well be careful what you wish for! Here I go again.

My darling rang me out of the blue on Friday and asked if I would see her that night. I still love her greatly and said yes.

She did a lot of talking explaining why she had acted the way she did. Why she pushed me away and everytime was so glad I stayed and kept texting her saying she was brilliant and that I loved her. Yet she would tell me not to contact her but I would evry now and then.

She said all her life she had hated herself and just could not trust why a loving person such as I would love her so when she was not worthy. She said it is hard to comprehend if you have never hated yourself like an incest survivor. Which is true I have never hated myself because I had a good up bringing.

But I always knew how special my darling was and when I though all was lost she now believes in me that she is worth it that she can love me and trust me that I will not hurt her.

She wants me to continue to support her and she no longer wants to be afraid to love me. She has said "Sorry" which melted my heart. She said I was a very special man to have such faith in her when she had no faith at all in herself. She said that it was my stremgth and faith that eventually turned her thoughts around. My persistence against all odds because she was being really awful.

So far we have done a lot of talking and a lot of holding. I can see a big difference in her already.

But fingers crossed because there are always curve balls. That I know!

But so far a miracle has occurred from no where!

A Loyal Knight still hanging in there!  Wink

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Mandi
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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #35 - Jul 31st, 2006 at 9:21am
 
Wow ~ what a turn-around!!  I am so happy that you decided to meet her.  AND that she apologized and explained how she felt.  That was huge for her.  It just shows how much she really loves you and wants this thing to work.  It's hard for both of you.  But if you keep the communication lines open ~ anything is possible.  Good luck and let us know how it goes. 

Mandi ~ Smiley
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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #36 - Jul 31st, 2006 at 8:52pm
 
I am so thankful she has changed her mind. Perhaps her not having you around at all has made her realize how much she does indeed care - I know it did that for me when I ran.  I do hope you two can work things out and start to rebuild your relationship. Go slowly and see if she can learn to open up a bit more to you, to lean on you. It isn't easy for us to trust others, even those we love, but give her a chance, take it slow and see what happens.

I will be thinking of you and will say some extra prayers for the two of you. Best of luck and keep us posted.

kate
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Aloyalknight
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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #37 - Aug 15th, 2006 at 6:07am
 
Smiley Hello to Everyone!

Just thought I would touch base and say that evrything is going really well!

We have just had a wonderful weekend away and continue to have meaningful discussions about everything. The change in her is amazing. She appears a lot calmer and focused on not being scared about us anymore. She says it was all down to me providing her with the strength to guide her through being so scared of being loved and to love back.

Anyway, hopefully, onward and upward. Fingers crossed.

Kind Regards to All...

A Loyal Knight!  Wink
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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #38 - Aug 15th, 2006 at 12:29pm
 
Thanks for sharing your great news with us. Glad to see things are turning out much better. Please remember, it will still take time for all those walls to completely come down but at least she is willing to work towards a stronger and better relationship. Keep us posted. Cheesy

Kate
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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #39 - Sep 19th, 2006 at 5:49am
 
SmileyHello

Just thought I would pop by and say that all is STILL going well! I get scared myself saying that! Actually things just continue to get better and better which seems hard to comprehend sometimes.

Although I may not get much time to come by I often reflect on this Website and recall the many positives that you all provided with your help through personal experience when I was so low and emotionally distraught. I will forever be in your debt.

Stay Safe Everyone.

Wink A Loyal Knight!  
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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #40 - Mar 5th, 2007 at 6:44am
 
Embarrassed Hello.

Unfortunately instead of coming here with a happy update I arrive with an unhappy moment or highly likely unhappy ending.

After enduring what seemed like a life of hurt I finally felt God had spoken to his angels and said "Hey I said give that guy a year of hurt not 20 years!" "Fix it now and give him back his angel!"

Well that they did and following on from my happy last posts "Heaven" continued through to the end of October. My darling and I just had some many magic moments together.

But Come November her ex husband lost his mind and after doing everything in our power to help him he took his life on November 27th and with it he took my darlings new found will. She continued soldiering on trying to stop the dam wall from bursting whilst looking after her 3 boys. The loss was further impacted by the fact a secret perverted double life was exposed that no one was aware of lived by the ex husband. It would appear he always had a personality disorder that went undetected and/or was just tolerated by others all his life. He had some profound self realisation made a confession and took his life.

I saw my darling slowly wiltering under the enormous strain of the engulfing sadness. She chucked her very good professional job in. A big warning sign. That had me worried. I employed all my worldly skills but nothing that I could do or say would help. My darling slowly reverted back to her old ways of shutting me out and being hurtful. I could not believe it. After saying I was her superhero throughout this whole suicide ordeal she totally backflipped me and now holds me responsible for her ex husbands death. He would speak with me because he liked me and found comfort in what I would say to him when he asked me what I thought was happening to him. Unfortunately under all the strain my darling has twisted it to hide her own guilt and now holds me responsible for him taking his life and robbing her boys of a father. I might add a father that may well have conducted some serious inappropriate behaviour towards them and/or in their presence!  Then to make matters worse I discovered that she was having "readings" frequently and I suspect that she allowed the "readings" to influence her life decisions.

Anyway I have come to the utter conclusion that she is a very damaged soul with problems that I could not even come close to comprehending.  

My problem now is trying to train my mind not to think of that normal girl that I fell so deeply in love with. I miss her beautiful bright emerald/green eyes, her beautiful infectious smile and her long warm cuddles. We would walk holding hands all the time. She loved the way I was so attentive so romantic. We just enjoyed each others company. She loved my smile she loved my charm she loved me.

So here I am dealing with my grief trying to desperately hide it from my children. I understand she is not well because a normal loving balanced person would not do this. I can deal with the grief of death but to see someone you love and adore and admire who is so mentally fragile is in my opinion the harshest pain of all, well it seems that way for me.

In my wildest dreams I would never have thought this! I saw her falling apart but I never contemplated in my wildest dream that she would deflect all the guilt back onto me. She says she still loves me but cannot make the anger go away and does not know if it will ever go away. My close circle of loved and trusted family and friends tell me to thank my lucky stars that I am free of all the never ending drama that surrounds this girl. They say I deserve so much better and cannot fathom why I stood by her. They say there are normal girls that would have me in a heart beat. I don't seem to bump into them. And then upon the final insult I still cannot get angry with her. I suppose that is either called my own stupidity or blind love. Maybe one day I will find the answer. All I know at this moment is that my brain says I am a fool and to move on but my heart says I love this girl and the glimpse of who she can be was enough for me to fall in love with her. The pain in my soul is at times so overwhelming it frightens me. I wish I was never cursed with this deep sense of loyality that threatens my own health and well being.

I have a feeling that one day I might regret the damage I have sustained of my own stupid doing. I am like the little puppy, tail always wagging regardless of whether it is being treated good or bad. That concept worries me too because it makes me feel that I am content to settle for second best.

Finally I am sorry and a bit embarrassed for venting but I have to say I feel better at this very moment for writing and posting these thoughts. I feel I am totally to blame for my situation because I made a bad choice 3 months in and should have ran a mile when I became aware of the dysfunctional family upbringing.

But forever the professional optimist I continue to dig in a pile of horse manure looking for that buried pretty pony when I can't see that there is a pretty pony in the green paddock next door quietly standing, eating on the green grass in full view! Go figure!  

A Loyal Knight who is now mortally wounded, defeated, gutted, destroyed and very very tired.



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Mandi
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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #41 - Mar 5th, 2007 at 10:40am
 
I am so sorry!  I don't think I have words to say to help in any way.  I feel like I would have done the same thing as you did in this situation all along.  I would have wanted to save her and love her.  And I would have went to great lengths to try to help her.  In the end, she is very fragile.  You did nothing to deserve what has happened in this relationship.  And of course you know that the only person that is responsible for suicide is that person who took their own life.  People look for blame in all sorts of places.  But it is the person who wants to end the pain who is in control.  We are just left to grieve about it.  YOU do deserve somebody that loves you completely.  You have suffered a long time while trying to love and take care of somebody who is so wounded.  You can only do so much.  At least know that you tried as hard as you could.  You should be proud of yourself for hanging in there as long as you did.  Most men wouldn't have done that.  You are a gem ~ and I look forward to a future post that says you are happy in love.  One day ~ it will happen.  Hang in there and focus on your children and you will make it through.  You are very strong!!  

Big hugs,
Mandi Smiley
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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #42 - Mar 5th, 2007 at 11:02pm
 
Oh Mandi you probably saved my life today.

I was dealing with overwhelming emotions of shame, hurt, embarrassment, anger, utter stupdity and the overwhelming feeling of worthlessness.

I have a week thank god. It took such an effort to get out of bed this morning and get the boys off to school. I feel I have let them down. I have put myself second to this girl which means I realise I have put my own boys second as well. I know my sadness and struggle is affecting my 11 year old and I feel utterly sick that I cannot control my sadness. I know I have to get ontop and get ontop quick. All I have done is sob my eyes out today with grief that scares me. I do not understand where it is coming from. I think it is the realisation that I have been too sympathetic towards this girl and I have been taken for a ride in a ruthless calculating manner and it is these thoughts that are disturbing me in the mix of all the other emotions washing over me time after time.

I get scared of the night coming and then when it arrives I don't want it to end so that I can just sleep. When do people have to take responsiblity for their actions even if they have been damaged in their childhood. I feel sick just saying that because I have to believe that this girl I cherished would not do these ruthless things, she can't be evil or can she? It really is too much to bare. I just have to keep going.

Your words were a life saver though...I feel sick. Have to go. Will come back. Got to get my boys from school. I feel so sick to the stomach I feel like vomiting.
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Aloyalknight
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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #43 - Mar 6th, 2007 at 12:15am
 
I find writing here takes some of the hurt away. My boys are home. The youngest likes to watch Stuart Little. So he is doing that. My 11 year old is being difficult. I have spoken quietly with him and he says he is OK. He is just being 11 I suppose wants everything, nothing is enough.

I have to get off this loop of self destructive thinking. Nobody asked me to bleed for this girl. Maybe I was so desperate for love that I hung onto every tender word that she uttered. I have been a single Dad for so long being a Mum and Dad is not easy for a man it is so just so hard at times. I have emotions and needs too and my girl fulfilled that void and I was too hungry to heed the warning bells everythime they went off. I just kept hoping that finally this time I could not suffer again at the hands of someone with a personality disorder. I was so naive to think that lightning would not strike twice in the same spot.

Throughout this ordeal I have had to grieve the death of my mother over cancer she was such a gem never complianed and that alone makes me feel weak that I have the weakness now to complain of my plight when there are adults and children dying from terminal illness. It makes me sick to think I am in turmoil over affairs of the heart it is weak and as strong as I though I was when helping overs I cannot find the strength to save myself. It makes me sick and it makes me mad but it doesnt motivate me to get on with things without falling apart.

It is madness. This girl is a nut and that hsould be enough to make me count my blessings. But my mind falls to the trap of remembering those magical times. Yes I know she is pretty she is gorgeous but I loved her for other reasons. We shared so much yet I know she also hid many secrest. Such a contradiction I know. Everything I say torments me. My jealous thoughts torment me. The thought of her with someone else breaks my heart but then the logic would be that no one would treat her as good as I did. I will just miss her.

It is the breach of trust to have believed that someone could tell you ten days ago how much they love you and adore you and then bang say do not contact me do not bother me, I now dont love you get on with your life. And when I try to rationally explain the emotions involved she says but you need to be an intelligent mature man and deal with it. It is horrible to hear. I say but why and the only answer is because that is how I feel now. Last week I felt the other way. I cannot help how I feel. I then ask so next week or six months away you could feel something else. She says I will not answer that because I know how you will hang onto hope. Then she will not entertain me and hangs up. After I saved her and saved her when she broke down and I was the only one there to pick her up, nurse her and look after her boys while all at the same time my life was put on hold and that of my boys. I have learnt a valuable leason but the hurt is just never ending. There seems no light at the end of the tunnel.

I must go my boys are shouting. I am letting them down. Thye need my personal one on one attention. I took them to the mountains on Saturday. It was a long and terrible day for me inside myself but I kept it from them and they seemed to have a ball. I really need to gather my strength they do not deserve this they need me to be happy with my once infectious cheeky grin and happy disposition. Where did it go it has ben stolen from me. I allowed this girl to use my honest and giving heart. I was just a mere puppet on a string. A useful toy to be used when she was in need of help or to be wined and dined or just kept company for love.

I say sorry again I should just type this crap and delete it without posting. Maybe one day I will read back on it and think you idiot!  Undecided
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Mandi
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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #44 - Mar 6th, 2007 at 8:42am
 
Hey there ~

I'm glad that you came back and shared with us!  If it helps you through this grieving process ~ then please do so.  Try not to be ashamed or embarrassed.  You were a wonderful partner to this woman.  I can't even say that she used you.  Maybe because I was not there watching the whole thing.  I don't know.  In my opinion (I could be totally wrong ~ I'm just thinking from a survivor's point of view) I think that she loved you and she wanted to make it work.  She probably knew that you were the best thing for HER.  I also think that she was too mentally unstable to handle things.  She probably couldn't accept the love that you were giving her because she kept feeling so unworthy.  It seemed like she WANTED To believe that it was all true.  But then she would keep telling herself that it wasn't right.  It's a cycle that we go through.  It's hard to believe that something good is happening to us.  You were a wonderful person to help her through such a difficult time.  Then she tries to blame you for her ex's suicide ~ when both of you know that is not true.  She is grasping at reality ~ trying to find reason.  Lots of people go through this type of grieving.  Especially in suicide because people always try to find the reason when the only reason is ~ THAT PERSON WAS IN TOO MUCH PAIN!!!  She probably blames herself more than you.  She was just lashing out at you because she couldn't take it.  She already has so much going on mentally ~ that the suicide seemed to push her over the edge.  That doesn't mean that she doesn't love you or that she didn't.  She can say that all she wants to make you believe it.  Now it seems like she is pushing you away so she doesn't hurt you anymore.  In a way ~ it seems like she is TRYING to help you move on with your life and have a better life.  Maybe she just isn't the one for you.  And she knows it.  She wants more for you.  You deserve it.  Let her have that dignity of letting you go for the sake of YOU.  Ya know?  I know that you want to remember the magical times.  That is good.  But the reality is, that's not enough for happiness.  You need a stable partner who can make you happy a little longer than that.  As a survivor, I see that you tried SO HARD FOR TOO LONG and you kept getting hurt.  There does come a time when you have to stop for your own sake.  This is a good time to stop.  And I guess she has left you no choice.   Just because she has been REALLY hurt in her life, doesn't mean that she doesn't have to take responsibility for her actions.   She should never have treated you in such an ugly way.  You didn't deserve it.  As a survivor, I can't always tell my husband ~ "Well, I did that because I was abused horribly as a child!"  That's just not right.   I know why I do certain things, and why.  Now it's up to me to try and change things so that I don't continue to do things a certain way because of the abuse.  I'm always TRYING to become a better person.  We all try to become better.  If not, everybody around us suffers and nobody would want to be around us.  As for your kids, they need you desperately.  I know it's hard being both the mom and the dad.  I can only imagine your struggle.  They are so young and they need your guidance into becoming a man.  A really good man.  SUICIDE is out of the question.  Even though it is what you want at times, they would blame themselves for the rest of their lives.  And they would think that you just left them ~ and that they weren't worth living for.  That is probably the only reason that I'm living today.  My kids.  I can't damage them for the rest of their lives because I'm going through pain that they can't imagine.  They didn't ask for that.  As hard as it is, if you make it through this difficult pain, you will find a better place eventually.  When I seriously thought of killing myself ~ which has been often ~ I always have something better come along that I would have missed if I had killed myself.  I'm glad I stayed around ~ even though the pain is unbearable at times.  I understand that pain.  You are a really good guy with so many good qualities.  There are plenty of women who would adore and treasure you.  Love doesn't have to be so much work.  When the time is right for you to date again, maybe an online dating service would be a good thing.  Who knows.  You deserve happiness.  Your boys deserve happiness.  You have done nothing wrong ~ so please don't be embarrassed.   And keep coming here and sharing if it helps.  The board has been slow lately.  But I do try to check every day.  Hang in there!

Big hugs,
Mandi Smiley
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At some point, you have to make a decision.Boundaries don't keep other people out.They fence you in.Life is messy.That's how we're made.So,you can waste your lives drawing lines.Or you can live your l
 
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