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Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor! (Read 25307 times)
Mandi
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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #15 - Jun 27th, 2006 at 10:34am
 
Hey Loyal Knight!

I am glad that you shared with us!  I am glad that you feel comfortable with us and can come here and release things.  That's a good thing.  Well ~ it sounds both good/great and bad.  All in all ~ I think it's promising in deed!!  She is making huge efforts ~ even if it doesn't seem that way.  And yes ~ she seems to be testing you to see if you can take it.  She is feeling unworthy and wants to push you away so she doesn't burden you.  Words do hurt though.  And I might let her know that.  I would probably say ~ "I understand your pain, and that you may feel like pushing me away right now.  But the words really hurt me.  I am still here ~ and I am not going anywhere.  I love you."  Something like that.  I was taught in a coaching clinic ~ that when you have a negative to say ~ you say a positive first, then a negative, then end with a positive.  That way the first and last thing the girls(softball girl's team) hear are positives.  But you still managed to show them what they were doing wrong.  Simple really when you think about it.  Good luck ~ and I hope the evening goes well.  I can hardly wait to hear how it goes.  I will keep you in my thoughts. 

Mandi ~  Smiley
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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #16 - Jun 27th, 2006 at 7:48pm
 
Thanks Mandi,

The crazy night kept coming. At 1.10AM I was woken by my mobile by my love. Do you know any good jokes. I can't sleep again. I could not believe it at all. So I do my best and she returns a text saying thank you you have put a smile on my face. Then she rings me and talks to me. Well she asked me to tell her some funny stories which I did to make her tied until 2.10 AM. Then she said thank you I feel tired now. I said that's good now I am wide a wake. She said well close your eyes and think that we have just had a lovely conversation and we will secretly reunite at 6pm so you have that to look forward to. And with that we said goodbye!

So guess who did not sleep for the rest of the night. Me! Then I had to get the boys up and ready. Take them to their Mums home and then get myself off to work where I am now! I look like crap. My brain is exhausted but I have to do a days work.

To say I am anxious about tonight is an understatement. I know come Thursday I will be left in a void of dispair totally emotionally exhausted. Will have to ensure that does not happen!

A Loyal Knight.
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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #17 - Jun 30th, 2006 at 1:21am
 
Dear A Loyal Knight,

I apologize for not replying sooner but have been out of town for the past few days. First I would love to hear how the evening went with your g/f.  Fill us in - good and bad. Next I must say that as much as you are writing to gain understanding reading your post about your g/f has really made me realize that although I know I have such major issues I guess I am not alone in my struggles to heal. That helps me too.

Reading your comments and actions from your g/f shock me because it sounds so familiar.  Why does she call yet push away. Inside there is this deep desire to believe he can really care for me, to think I might just be worth all he says but then there is this other part (that has been there much longer and is much stronger) which tells me it is impossible for anyone to love me - heck, I dont even like who I am.  Also if only he knew the whole truth about me then he would be gone. I told (or actually wrote) my story to my b/f honestly trying to scare him away for his sake (so I couldn't end up hurting him because that is all i am capable of). Well, it didn't work. He still has stuck by me and has told me he admires me even more to know the darkness I have endured and still turned out to be who I am - someone he loves deeply. I honestly kid him all the time and tell him he is an idiot if he likes me. He laughs and just hugs me or wahtever.

Your g/f quick change from humor, enjoyment to other things is just her probably not being able to face reality (in her mind). She wants to feel you can love her so jokes and accepts your love but then reality hits and her love for you can't allow you to get hurt so she pushes you away. Does any of that makes sense?

Even though I have informed my b/f all of my past (or the basics of it) discussing it is impossible. Sooooo many times I wish he would be there for me to open up and just get it all out but what he doesnt understand is those words have never been spoken out loud. I am still incapable of saying them and I worry deeply that if I do utter some words about it I will just break down. I don't know about your g/f but crying is so difficult for me. I can feel it starting but as soon as my eyes moisten up something inside me snaps and all emotions are gone.  Although she may feel she wants to speak to you about it and need to talk she may be incapable for now.  Be patient. My b/f sat by my side one evening when I was a wreck and just told me no matter what it was he would lvoe me and stay with me. In my mind it was the knowledge that if he knew the specifics of it all he would never be able to look me in the eye again. Yet here he still sits.

Your commnet about the secret relationship - OH how that is ME!!  ours is a secret for many reasons - his and mine. For me a major part of it is if it's a secret then it's not real. It's not something i have to admit to myself. Stupid but it's me.  Undecided  For me if it's a secret than I don't have to worry he will leave (although I sitll worry most of the time) because it's not a real realationship.  Hard to explain this part.

I do hope you realize it is not you and it is just what she is dealing with. My b/f was the first person to ever comment on noticing anything and I think that is one of the things I still love about him - he saw me, the real me. It scared me (and still somewhat does) but he was the first person to look close enough to see the pain there. My own family still hasn't seen it yet this man has. 

I know this is long but one more comment. I never, or rarely, contact him and need him to call me. WHY?? IT's very simple because if I call him I am bothering him since I know I am not worth his time.  I hate the thought of disturbing him so I am unable to call him. He calls me and oh how it makes my day. Keep calling, texting, or any contact you can do. Don't take it as her not wanting to hear from you, she may just not be confident enough to contact you; may not want to bother you.

I do hope your evening went well and I will check back in tomorrow to see how you are doing. Hang in there, it's a very rocky road but what wonderful thing is not worth the extra work. She is very lucky to have you too.  Cheesy

kate
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Mandi
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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #18 - Jun 30th, 2006 at 11:42pm
 
Hey Loyal Knight!

I am wondering how things have been going with you.  I hope that you are doing OK ~ one way or the other.  Fill us in if you feel like it.  We are here!

Mandi ~ Smiley
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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #19 - Jul 3rd, 2006 at 8:44am
 
I’m back! Thank you Kate for your post. I can relate to EVERY word so do not worry about that! Thank you too Mandi for enquiring about how I went.

Well Wednesday night was great my love arrived right on 6pm even after having had a very busy day. We went off to the movies. We cuddled and watched “Take The Lead” being the new ballroom dance movie that has only just been released here. We loved it! We had a great night, came back with Chinese Takeaway and my love stayed the night.

She left the next day at midday. We had some good pillow talk on the Thursday morning and made some progress with a few issues. I even mentioned the book “The Courage to Heal” I even got to read out loud a passage from the Partners Chapter. But I did not push anymore and left it at that and kept the book with me for now.

Then my love had to use some free airline tickets that she had from a work bonus by the weekend and she was booked to fly to another State. So I boldly asked could I come too and she was excited about it so I booked my flights as well. So we left early Friday morning and came back late Sunday. We had a great time. She was totally relaxed and told me she had never stopped loving me. At times she would say, “I love you” which is a big thing for her to be saying at the moment. She told me that she enjoyed every moment with me and was glad I had come along. We were both very attentive and loving to one another!

However I quickly found out things can go wrong real quick. In the excitement while waiting to board the plane on the return flight I mentioned that we should go away in October and it totally scared her so I had to back pedal real quick there.  

Then we went home via her mother’s home. They were excited we had been away together. Also her younger sister. Actually it was my loves idea to drop in to say hello which I thought was odd. While my love disappeared to go to the toilet her mother gave me a big loving cuddle and quickly asked how the weekend went. They have no idea why my love ended the relationship and they all want us back together.

Then when my love and I arrived home one thing lead to another and I mentioned what had happened and boy did the anger wall go up from nowhere. She said she felt pressured by what I told her and pressured by her family.

She said it would only make her run away from me. Then I was told to leave go home. You cannot stay. Boy did I get a shock! I was really shocked! So after some talking and persistence the wall came down after about 15 minutes and she was back to normal and asked me to stay. So we cuddled lovingly and it was great.

We did have some straight talking though and we listened to each other’s point of view. But the topic of her Dad is completely a no go zone which makes it difficult for me to talk about anything. Because everything is linked to that. She told me some wonderful things saying I was a great man and thanked me for being me. There is no doubt that she finds comfort in that I continue to hang around. We also discussed that she feels worthless and cannot see why I think she is worthwhile. So I just continue to keep telling her why.

My love also told me that when she is in my company she is fine. It is when she is apart from me that she becomes detached so she can meet the demands of raising her 3 boys, work, home and friends.

Anyway she told me not to contact her, to let her contact me. She texted me today at lunchtime asking me how work was going and to thank me for being me again. Wished me a brilliant week until we meet again.

So all in all I have learnt a fair bit about the state of play so to speak. I have absolutely no idea when I will hear or see my love again. That makes it hard for me. I am still trying to learn how to enjoy my own company again and being the best Dad I can be to my two young boys who are with me most of the time. So it is a struggle but I am getting there.

I was flat today because the weekend was so great. It was like having her back again. I wish I could have stayed in the moment forever. So onward and upward fingers crossed that we continue to come back together.

Sorry for the long post. I will keep you updated.

A Loyal Knight.  Undecided
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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #20 - Jul 3rd, 2006 at 11:11am
 
Nice to hear from you and to hear that your evening together went well. Wondering what it is being around her family that sparks the barrier.  Seems like she was fine until the return trip (perhaps that's where she was contemplating stopping by her parent's house) and then her getting upset at you with how the family reacted.  I would think that if her father was her abuser it would be difficult but can't figure why she pushes you instead of leans on you in those times.  Just thinking out loud. I am glad when she put up that wall when you guys got home you didn't give in. I understand how difficult all this is to you but please understand she isn't doing it to be mean - there are reasons and most likely that wall being put up is beyond her control at the moment, it's just a natural safety device she has used throughout life.

I understand the feeling of worth when with you and the self hatred when alone. When she is with you she can see how much you care. It probably shows in all yoru actions and with your body language. When she is alone that's when the mind starts playing it's tricks and her self talk hits. We are so conditioned to see our negative it's hard for us to see the positives in ourselves.  Do you think when she said not to contact her she would get upset if you just sent a text message saying hi or you missed her? Not one initiating a get together but one just letting her know you are thinking of her?  That can help her to remember how much you really do care and help fight her negative self talk.

Glad you posted and no apology for it being long. That's what this place is all about -getting it all out.  Keep posting, keep us posted on things and how YOU are doing too.

Kate
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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #21 - Jul 4th, 2006 at 3:21am
 
Thanks Kate! I just got home from work with the boys. Before I read your post I was just plain FED UP with the whole thing! The evening seems so daunting to me. I have to be happy and cook dinner but inside I am so fed up. Just need to vent somewhere somehow.

Then I read your post and with your insight into what you feel is happening gives me understanding again just when I am all out of understanding or just plain sick of understanding.

I think you are so right about why she is OK in my company. That is amazing so glad you said that because I think it makes so much sense.

I will try the text messages and see how it goes. I suppose if it is merely supporting words it cannot hurt. I cannot see how that would cause her stress?

Well I will go before I start venting. Have to put this out of my mind and relax. Somehow I got in a negative too quickly. Probably because we had such a great time and then bang straight back into the land of wait and see.

Just and must continue to be patient. I suppose that is the key. I mean things have been happening. We have been talking and we have been seeing one another. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....Just have to be patient.

A Loyal Knight Sad
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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #22 - Jul 4th, 2006 at 5:24am
 
I have to say sorry for venting.  Undecided  I feel selfish now. I have no right to be saying I am fed up. I had a loving family up bringing. Nothing bad ever happened to me as a child. I have no right to be getting annoyed with my princess. She did nothing wrong. Wrong was done to her as a child and I have no idea what that would be like. I humbly and sincerely apologise if I have offended anyone. I had a moment of weakness and I have no right. I must and have to be strong. I have to carry my princess and think the best at all times. I have so much to look forward to. I need to think postive what if's! I am sorry for allowing myself to feel sorry for myself. I have no right. I think I have more surpressed anger for her dead father. Maybe I should write a letter to him and get it out as to what I would like to tell the monster!

A Loyal Knight.
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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #23 - Jul 4th, 2006 at 10:52am
 
Hey Loyal Knight ~

First ~ I have to agree with everything Kate said.   It did sound like your trip went well in general.  AND you were both talking through so much.  That is progress for sure.  I was very proud of you for reading some of The Courage to Heal to her.  I think that was HUGE!!  Did she seem interested in the book at all ~ for herself?  I think that by having the book in the first place, shows her that you are really committed to seeing her through this.  I know this is all so hard on YOU as well.  You are a victim by her circumstance.  Which is unfortunate.  Love is the key to this relationship.  I guess what I mean by that is ~ well ~ I have a wonderful marriage.  We are deeply in love.  But it's also complicated at times.  My husband is a little controlling ~ some would say A LOT!!   I usually just give in to anything that he wants unless it is important to me.  There are times when I feel like giving up on the relationship ~ and it's frustrating for me as well.  BUT ~ the key to our relationship is deep love.  If it wasn't for that connection that we have ~ it wouldn't be worth it.  So I stay because through all that we both have to put up with from each other ~ there is love.  It's worth it in the end.  So you might want to say to yourself ~ is love worth it?  If the answer is yes ~ if this is what you want ~ then you can make it through the good times and the bad.  She will have to put up with things that you do along the way as well.  And you will have to put up with things that you don't like.  But that's life and the way it is when two people from different worlds connect.  My husband and I came from opposite families completely.  Mine were the country hicks with NO MANNERS.  My husband came from wealthy/country club type of a family.   They are refined in every way ~ but still down to earth.  When we came together and married ~ the first two years were rough without even dealing with my past abuse.  Because I wasn't dealing with that yet.  I pushed it away.  We had to just deal with the little things like how we were supposed to handle OUR life.  I learned quickly that there was another way to live ~ and the way I grew up was not exactly what I wanted anymore.  We have both learned to grow and change together.  In any relationship, there are struggles.  Even if there isn't abuse in the past.  There is frustration from those fights as well and moments where you don't think you can go on.  Relationships are just something that people need to work on.   And if you don't give up, you can have something beautiful in the end.  I know that it's hard to understand what your love is going through.  Especially if you had a nice childhood.  It must be so frustrating.  But please don't feel like you owe us an apology for venting about your feelings.  Your feelings are validated.  It's easy to understand why you would feel the way you do.  As long as you are willing to work through those feelings and still be there for her ~ that's awesome!!  It's your choice though.  And deep love is always worth it in the end.  I hope that helped some.  Your love will get to a better place.  Especially if she chooses to work through this with you.  Whenever the time is right for her.  

Hang in there Knight in shining armor ~
Mandi Smiley
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« Last Edit: Jul 4th, 2006 at 1:16pm by Mandi »  

At some point, you have to make a decision.Boundaries don't keep other people out.They fence you in.Life is messy.That's how we're made.So,you can waste your lives drawing lines.Or you can live your l
 
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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #24 - Jul 4th, 2006 at 11:19am
 
ALoyalKnight,

Well after reading your post I was getting on line to simply say that no reliationship is easy - they are all work and when you enter into one that has someone bringing a lot of baggage from prior hurts it makes it that much mroe work. Nothing worthwhile is easy. If you think she is worth it then fight for her. You have every right to come here and vent. That is what htis place is all about. Come, get it all out and afterwards you will feel a tad bit better.  Problem is Mandi said it so elequently that nothing I can say will come close - great job mandi!

Take things one day at a time and in the meantime come here and vent away.

kate
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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #25 - Jul 5th, 2006 at 5:12am
 
Sad I am defeated Im afraid. I have read your posts but today just went crazy. Just when I thought I had it all worked out. Just when I thought what the rules were. I never saw it coming. I contacted my love because I was doing work in her town. She seemed happy and I asked if it had upset her that I phoned. She said it had not.

Then when I left town I rang to see what she was doing and she said she was down the road. I said any chance of a quick kiss and cuddle before I head off. She said yes and told me where she was. I met her and she was happy. Then I dropped her back off at her office. She talked about some cheap computer screens that she had seen and said "Honey they are so good I am going to layby one." All seemed normal.

Then when she went off stupid me could not help myself and I said "that Honey did not go un-noticed" She smiled back, its just habit. I felt she was being cheeky and I said "Why do you always do that, give me a back slap when you have been nice?" She smiled and walked off.

Then because I was feling good I made the biggest mistake ever. I text her and said now that you are happy and in a good mood why not put that photo of us back on your desk?" Well the reply was just a "No." I rang back and said sorry I was just being cheeky. She said thats OK it doesn't work like that." So I said in a cheeky way "How does it work." Thinking she might say something nice like "In time." Boy did I get the shock of my life. She paid out on me big time. Said I was pressuring her. "We are not together." "We are not an item" "Why don't you get it." "I told you not to ring me." "I told you not to text me." You just don't listen." "We have a friendship that is all. That is all I can offer you at this time." So I said but what about the long weekend. She says "I have no regrets about that it was wonderful. But that is all it is a great memory." I said "But you were so happy and you told me that you loved me." Then she totally confuses me "I meant I love the man that you are." I'm thinking like what the hell does that mean? 

Anyway the conversation just got worse, it just ripped my heart in tow after everything that I have done. All the pussy footing around using the right words. Its just madness I'm afraid. The wall was so high I was never going to get over it. She just kept telling me we had no relationship we were just friends.

She went back to the rubbish of devoting herself to her children, her only mission was to make them happy and that putting energy into a relationship was wasted energy for her. I tried to guide her to the incest being the reason but she told me she did not want me to bother. That she did not care. Did not want to know why she is how she is. She is happy being like she is. Kept telling me to just give it up accept it. I just said I cannot because of what we had, what we shared, that I believed in her, that she was smart, that I deeply cared for her and I just cannot turn it off. I mean we never had a fight it is madness. She said it is her problem not mine.

I have no idea if she has just said all these hurtful things because the wall was up or not. We had planned next to have a dinner date on Sat 15th but now she said no because that is what couples do to be romantic. We are not a couple. I was really hurt. Like that is what we have being doing all along secretly. Now I question all our loving intimacy.

I have no idea what so ever other than my love is totally confused or totally mad. It is destroying me and I cannot get off the merry go round.

This is either the complete finish of it all or she will come out of it. I suspect though that it if finished. Now I will have to pick myself up. I feel so let down so disappointed, so deeply hurt after everything that I have done. I am defeated. She told me to leave her alone, hung up and turned her phone off. All that happened from one wrong twist in a conversation. Great! This is the girl that 5 days told me "I believ in you." "When I'm with you I feel complete."

A totally defeated Loyal Knight.  Cry
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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #26 - Jul 5th, 2006 at 5:37pm
 
Sad Sorry everyone. The fight is over. I have lost my love. The madness is too much to comprehend. I can no longer make excuses for her conduct. Her behaviour is too hurtful. I cannot believe that someone can be that mxied up that they can hurt you like that. My love delivered the final blow to me last night. It is too much madness after the most perfect weekend. I have to protect myself now as much as I do not wish to. I have no idea how I will overcome this experience. It is destroyed my trust destroyed my belief.

I cannot thank you all enough. Total strangers with so much empathy and understanding. You are all good people.

I left "The Courage to Heal" with my love but I doubt she will ever read it in fact I think she will merely throw it away. She said she survived before me and she will now survive without me. She hates me for seeing her pain. She has done too much hurtful damage to not only me but my good family. I cannot defend her conduct anymore regardless of her issues. I feel so sick but I have to do my professional job which has suffered not to mention the damage to my two beautiful boys who have had to put up with a sad Dad.

A defeated and battle scared knight.
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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #27 - Jul 6th, 2006 at 1:02am
 
Aloyalknight,

I wish I could wave my magic wand and heal all your pain - and hers too. After reading your first post I started wondering if per chance she was bipolar or something. She seems quite up and down. I know the past abuse has a lot to do with it but there could also be more.

I am sorry you feel defeated but if, as you say, this relationship is impacting your job as a dad then you need to focus on your boys first.  just as with a alcoholic or drug adict - you can't heal her. She has to do it, she has to find herself. no one else can do it for her. You tried to lead her that way and to show her her beauty but she simply refused to see it.

My deepest thoughts and prayers are with you. I will make sure I say some extra heavy duty prayers for your pain and loss and so you can find your way out of this painful time.

Kate
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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #28 - Jul 6th, 2006 at 4:35am
 
Hi Kate , Thank you for those beautiful words. Today was my first day of my new life and with the help of my work colleague partner we maintained a busy day. My work is in the emergency services without saying anymore. It is actually ironic what my line of work is. It was a very difficult day.

There are so many thoughts racing through my head. I just wished my love could have made the decision to heal herself. To sya it was all worth it. But I can see what she is doing. It is easier to release me than to deal with the pain. That is what she said. That I should thank her for releasing me. She knew she was tormenting me. She said she was now free again. No doubt she will now resume just one night stands because that is what she can deal with. She cannot deal with a committed intimate relationship.

I have the capacity to endure so much hardship (Due to my job) but I have to say in all my life of seeing the most horrible things without question to see someone you deeply care for totally lost with a tormented troubled mind is the most crippling experience I have ever endured. Unfortunately I watched this happen to my ex-wife.

I feel like someone has literally thrust their hand into my chest cavity and ripped my heart out. The pain is truly emotional and mental trauma. I know with my Mum and Uncle dying recently has drained me and with my love going mad at this time has crushed my resources.

So prayers would be a great thing at this time. I will certainly look at the night sky tonight and seek out a shooting star to wish upon. I feel like I have been tested beyond my capacity. I have to believe that there is a reason for this.

I think why me. Why have I been tested all my life with rescuing people. I am so tired I am so tired. Everyone tells me I am a genuine, adorable good looking guy yet it has never helped me. 

Must go time to cook dinner. I cannot stop thinking about my love. I told her god honey you merely surviving when you could be thriving. But until she sees that, until she grasps that concept, there is absolutely nothing I can do. I feel I have failed her even though I know she has failed herself. I feel her pain like it was my pain. I wish I was not built like that but that is how I am.

God bless you all here on this fantasic Website.

I hope my posts may assist others.

I will continue to visit as I now heal my own soul. I feel like a rape victim if that makes any sense or is possible.

A loyal Knight.  Sad

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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #29 - Jul 6th, 2006 at 12:10pm
 
A Loyal Knight,

I do understand your pain except coming from the other side. I left my b/f for what I thought was his sake. It tore me up inside. Unable to eat, sleep, think, or do anything for 2 months. What a horrible life it creates. Others kept telling me to 'just move on' and 'get over it' but they just don't understand the pain of the loss of such a loved one.

As much as it does sound like you need to move on and take care of you and your children I also want you to realize there is still life out there. There are still so many possibliities for you.  You said how you deal with emergencies and how that makes you more capable of dealing with difficult situations. Please also understand when you deal with these situations you are not emotionally involved with the people. You have emotional ties with your g/f so it makes it so much more difficult to endure that pain.

Keep coming here and posting.  Life may seem dark for a while but you can get through this. For me I had to focus on my children to see past my pain. I knew I had to make their lives better and as hard as it was, as impossible of a task as it seemed at the time I just tried each day to get up adn get going for them.  Soon things will hurt a little less and as each day passes the pain will lessen  some. You know what injury can do and the scars that can form. You will have a scar from this relationship but please don't let it hinder you from opening your heart and seeing some other beautiful princess out there who might be meant for you.

kate
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