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Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor! (Read 25367 times)
Aloyalknight
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Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Jun 23rd, 2006 at 10:44am
 
Hi. Hope this is the right place to post this cry for guidance. I have been reading all I can on how to stay sane when your partner is falling apart. I have indured many stressful things in my life but this is just awful.

I was enjoying the relationship of my life (16 months) when out of the blue my darling said she was overwhelmed with wierd thoughts. After telling one another we had found the mirror image of each other she ended the relationship. Our beautiful photos have been taken down in her home but they now sit in her top draw bedside table.

It is a nightmare for me because my darling is now gone from my life. She is so fragile (mind) it is like walking thin ice. I have told her all the right things, not your fault, I will love you forever, I will look into your eyes with nothing but love, respect and admiration. In return I get someone who appears very ruthless and detatched. The complete opposite of what I had experienced from her until I got behind her wall and into her heart and mind. I would say that there is no room in that secret place for the two of us just now.

My confusion is that this brilliant father who died a year ago this Sunday 25th June has sexually interferred with her I suspect at age 11. I do not know the details. She acknowledged only because I pushed my suspicions. She says she cannot talk about it because it is too painful. She also wishes to hang onto the dream that he was and still is a brilliant Dad.

I am still hanging in there even though it seems impossible. I was wondering if anyone had any bright ideas. I have noticed some small positives after exhausting talking by me and listening by her.
I believe she is worth it. I was deeply connected to this woman and I miss her dearly.

I suppose time is the great healer. I am a great communicator although this post probably does not reflect that. I am waiting for my darling to come back to me by phoning or texting but it is very difficult. I am trying to keep myself busy so that I do not contact her. I do not want her to run a mile. But I get so many mixed messages.

I think she is scared now because I have been so perceptive so intuative so into her mind and soul. I told her that once she gets use to that she will become calm and learn to trust herself to trust me. She says the doubt is in herself. She told me she realised she had never been loved in life until she was loved by me. She could never work out why or how such a nice guy like me could truly love her for who she was.

HELP if you have any experience in this. Hope I was not too general.
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Mandi
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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #1 - Jun 23rd, 2006 at 11:08am
 
Welcome loyal knight!

I wish I had more time to respond to you.  You sound so supportive ~ and I'm sure that your love realizes how wonderful you are.  But I'm sure it scares her a little bit too.  It sounds like she is not ready to work through a lot of her past abuse.  When I first started seeing my therapist for abuse ~ I claimed that my father was the only one who loved me when I was growing up.  That he was the only one who made me feel special.  As we began our journey of healing ~ we(my therapist and I) realized that my dad treated me special for a reason.  Because he abused me for years.  He was grooming me to make me feel special and loved ~ so he could do things to me.  And I would think it was love.  The thing is ~ it is still hard to grasp the reality of his abuse.  I still want to believe that he was the one who treated me special.  It's hard for a daughter let go of that picture.  I can't expect you to understand.  It's just hard.  My dad was a horrible, sick man ~ and he did horrible things to me.  And I STILL don't know how to deal with it all.  I have been married for 22 years.  My husband didn't know about my dad until 4 years ago when I started therapy.  He has been supportive.  But I'm always afraid he will say the wrong thing when I share my past.  So I keep quiet about it.  I just talk to my therapist about it all.  And I come here for support.  Your love may just be in the beginning stages of realizing everything about her past.  I can recommend some good books for her and for you.  For her ~ The Courage to Heal by Laura Davis and Ellen Bass.  This book also has a section for partners.  VERY HELPFUL BOOK.  And also ~ Allies in Healing from the same authors.  That book is for partners of abuse.   Another really good book for her is ~ Secret Survivors by E. Sue Blume.  This book is about incest survivors.  This book was dead on about my life.  These books would probably be helpful for you to understand just what she is going through during every stage.  Hang in there.  You can both succeed in the relationship if you work through it all.  But just know ~ that she may not always want to share with you.  It's very hard to talk about and to accept. 

Mandi ~
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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #2 - Jun 23rd, 2006 at 8:50pm
 
Wowza, man, what a sticky one---

Um, okay, so I don't have a significant other but who let experience get in the way? not me, that's for sure.

Anyway, when I first started telling people about the past it made me feel dirtier instead of better for a while- and the first people I told - sorta- were strangers. Maybe your girl feels the same? I'm sure it would be harder to deal with this in front of a sig. other--the bad feelings ain't your fault, it's just that we tend to feel bad about everything when we go thru this, ok?

You mentioned seeing ruthlessness in her- if I am any indication, you ain't seen nothin yet.

Realize, though, that it may not be directed at you on purpose-  BUT people can change when they go thru this, so maybe just be there for her, huh? Relationships can be scary, much less one where you say you two are deeply in love and she is confronting things that'd curl your hair.

Did you check the checklist for survivors on the first page of this site? Ty hit a homer on that one. There are many, many things that tend to get subconsily controlled by the abuse. Attitude is certainly one of them.

Has she tried a T? maybe you could try to go to one together and apart too? I'm sure she doesn't want to go thru EVERY thing the first time around with you there, but you could try individual, and a relationship T for you both?

Don't have all the answers, but I sometimes have a clue.

~~Matt

p.s.-- without the "gender" part of your profile, it's hard to tell at first if you are male or female- women could be knights too. Wink
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Aloyalknight
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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #3 - Jun 23rd, 2006 at 10:26pm
 
Thank you Mandi and thank you Matt for replying to my cry for help.

I have updated my profile. I am a male. Firstly thank you Mandi for sharing your experience. I know it is not easy and I truly appreciate you giving that personal insight. It has already confirmed thoughts that I was processing trying to understand why my darling thinks her Dad is brilliant.

Because I am in Australia the books are so hard to obtain. They have to come via America and it takes weeks to get them. However I have located "The Courage to Heal" in a town 40 minutes away. I have phoned them and I will pick it up later today. I will consume that tonight (Saturday). I last had contact with my darling last Sunday morning. I will not bother her as tomorrow is the 1 year anniversary of her Dad's unexpected death. So she will be processing a lot on her mind. And because I am the only one that knows her deep secret I will be the last person she wishes to hear from. I know how fragile she is at this time and do not want to do anything wrong at this delicate stage.

I realise she needs space even though it is hard for me after we were always together enjoying one anothers company. I have adopted the attitude if it is meant to be it will work itself out. Or if our relationship does not survive then at least I can still support her because I think she is so worth it.

It is hard to comprehend though knowing all the converstaions we have shared and then to be polarised apart like this. But I do understand there are poweful forces in play that have taken their toll over 30 years. I should take a positive in that she trusted me to enter her secret world.

There are other dynamics involved with her three boys. She is unbalanced in her pursuit to be the best mother she can be but she is being a slave to them and it will only affect them in their adult life. I had picked up on a lot of things that I ever so gently tried to guide her to realise. It is like trying to walk a mine field though. It is so hard.

Matt I should say that when I say she seems ruthless that is merely my misunderstanding my mis interpretation of her behaviour. It is in respect to just going from full on with me to cutting me off. But I realise that is because I got to close. She is no doubt questioning why I love her so much. She always said she had never met anyone like me in her life. I recall she would often say God you really do love me. I and would say that is because I love what is inside there and there and I would point to her head and heart. I suppose it is her way of dealing with the hurt. And I understand the hurt is as huge as the Mount Everest.

Well today is another struggle for me because although I am trying to be a rock I am also scared. I had better stop writing otherwise the post will be a book!

Hopefully I can obtain some other books in time. Will have to get on the phone.

Thank you both once agian. I will return to this truly wonderful site for more help if I may.

Aloyalknight.
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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #4 - Jun 24th, 2006 at 1:54am
 
Aloyalknight,

How Blessed your loved one is to have you standing by her side.  The Courage to Heal book is a very helpful book.  I have been in the very difficult journey of healing and it has been the loyal love of my husband that has helped me through.   He has had to walk on the ice and not know what to do but he has been by my side.   I have never been loved in life until him.  It has been very confusing and comforting all in one.

It is not easy to face the pain of the past.  It is harder to face the fact that your family is not who you believed them to be.  I still struggle with the facts of the truth that have presented themselves.  Parents are suppose to be loving and an idol to look up to when that is not the facts it is so hard to accept.  You would rather believe bad about yourself then them.

Your loved one has much pain to face.  Her world may feel as if it is falling apart.  I do believe that love can and does heal.  She may not be ready to take in all the love you have as she may be so unsure of who she is.  It takes time.  All you can continue to do is keep being that loyal knight. 

I have been in such a bad place and do not have as much emotional strength to post as much as I would like.  I see that Matt and Mandi have been there.  Continue posting and read posts.  You may find the strength you need to get through this.  for the abuse has not only affected your loved one, it affects you.   I do pray she finds her way back to you.    It is a great encouragement to see someone so concerned for a survivor.

Take Care

Butterfly
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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #5 - Jun 24th, 2006 at 2:34am
 
Aloyalknight,

First I would like to say you found a great place. Now with regards to your girlfriend, oh how I can relate but I have a few questions first.  Has she always known of the abuse or has she just remembered it?  Might make it more difficult for her to face what her dad really is if she is just now remembering the past.

For me I have been somewhat dating someone for the past 5 years. Obviously I have issues and the main one is believing someone can actually really care about me.  He tells me constantly how much he cares and that my past doesn't matter but the filth I carry inside of me makes it hard for me to honestly believe it.  Give her time (not saying 5 years - I have many other issues too) to realize someone can care. Another question is you mentioned she had children (these are not necessarily questions you need to answer to us but just something for you to ponder). Was she married before?  I was and with my ex at first I had faith that not all men were like my abuser. He didn't abuse me yet he didn't treat me well either. So, another issue of mine is trusting that my b/f will not 'turn on me' or get tired of me or whatever.

For me communicating is so difficult so with my b/f I have found that e-mailing him some of my difficult conversations makes things easier to explain to him. It gives me the chance of writing something, rereading it and editing it instead of just sitting down and talking. Negative side of that is sometimes he can take something wrong because you miss the body language or whatever but just a thought that perhaps she can explain some of her pain or whatever in e-mails. She doesn't even have to send them to you but it still helps to get it down.

This one will sound stupid but it's me - not everyone will be this way. Because of my past experience with men (which has been horrible) I obviously have difficulty accepting there could be a nice guy out there who really does care for me especially with my past abuse. I have pushed my b/f away so many times I can't even count (just did so big time a month ago). He patiently waits a bit then lets me know he isn't going anywhere. As much as I am not doing this to test him, I honestly do it for his own good - or so I feel at the time. He deserves someone who isn't tainted like I am, someone without so many issues. Even when he tells me he doesn't want anyone else I still push.  If he just gave up I would be devastated. again I don't feel I am playing games although it may look that way but I guess in my own skewed way I need some sort of proof or whatever that he won't give up on me, won't leave me even if I push him away. so, be there as much as she will let you. she needs someone and if you two have that great of a relationship you are probably the only one she can turn to (my b/f is the only one who knows my past).  Perhaps she is just trying to process this information herself.

When I first told my b/f was when the pushing away began. I knew I wasn't worthy of him. I knew I was filthy and dirty and there was nothing I could do to change that. I still believe it to this day but now at least mentally I can try to understand he cares, emotionally it still is a struggle.

Sorry you have to endure such difficult times but your princess is a lucky lady to have someone who will go search for somewhere to find help and read up on things.  She will realize how lucky she is to have you if you can be patient enough for her. I am not saying it will be easy for either one of you but what good things in life are easy.

Best of luck Sir Knight, keep us posted. This is also a great place to come when you get frustrated with how things are going. We can give you some insight on her side even if she shuts you out.

Kate
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Aloyalknight
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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #6 - Jun 24th, 2006 at 9:18pm
 
Thank you Butterfly and Kate. Like Mandi and Matt you are both so kind to have responded. Your posts have really helped me with further insight.

I have always been really mentally strong even though I wear my heart on my sleeve. But this place that I am in is the ultimate test for a person. I hate saying it because it sounds so melodramatic! But for me right now everyday is a struggle.

I also fully realise that my Princess is in a very bad place. My frustration is I just want to fix it but as we all know it does not happen that way! Hence the struggle.

I got the book “The Courage to Heal”. I immediately read the Chapter for partners. I could relate to every word! It gave me hope and understanding but it was also very scary.
I have started reading the book. It seems a very good book. Thank you Mandi for directing me to that book!

Question: Any suggestions on how to go about giving it to my Princess.

Question: Also I have not contacted my Princess today being the day of her Dad’s death one year ago. I thought it would be a day of her needing only her own space and not hearing any words from me. Hope I made the right decision there?

Butterfly I have just again read your post and I wish to thank you again for your kind words. I want you to know that it has helped me. I have two beautiful young boys who I have almost full time and with a full time job and being in this place it is a struggle. Plus my Mum passed away last month so the grief there is very real.

Hi Kate I thought I would answer your questions in another post. I don’t mind at all because it does help me so much!

A Loyal Knight.
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Aloyalknight
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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #7 - Jun 24th, 2006 at 9:55pm
 
Hi Kate. Just another big thank you! To hear you say how you pushed your BF away and why, from your perspective, has helped me tremendously. Your view is priceless!

I am not sure if she has always remembered the abuse. I pushed the issue on a Sunday morning after we had broken up (but we still saw one another) and I made the decision to tell her that I knew what was going on. She was shocked that I had worked it out.. She broke down cried and was extremely distressed. Said she could not talk about it. Too painful and she did not want to lose the great memories of her Dad. I left it be. I wrote a letter to her after reading all I could from the Internet. Told her I would support her.

I don’t know if she read it. Probably did. I will ask her in time. So the answer is it is all very new. Later in the week she vented her hate towards me for pushing the issue. But then we have since come together secretly and I have seen very small but positives steps. But I am still very scared where the road will go!

Your post is so spot on and I can identify with it all from your point of view! My GF would say the same things to me. Why do I love her so honestly, so truly. She could never work it out even though I would go to great lengths to explain. I would always pamper her, always. She became more uncomfortable. Maybe she was remembering the abuse during those times.

She would say there is no doubt we have a great friendship, no doubt we had great times, and no doubt we had a unique chemistry but the only doubt was in her. I told her that is was OK to feel that way and that I had total faith in her to work it all out. But she is not so sure obviously.

I have no idea why we are still secretly seeing one another when everyone thinks we are over? I can only think it is her way of dealing with the pressures?

Kate the rest of your post is just so spot on it frightens me in a good way. My GF would do the same and I would just continue fronting up. She could not believe I had not run away ages ago. I too thought about how she was playing games but I continued to believe it could not be possible. I knew the true core of this beautiful soul and it could not be possible. That is why I believe she is WORTH IT.

Well I had better have a rest. I am trying to control my thoughts and not let my thoughts control me.

It will be a huge week. So much is unknown. Will continue to draw strength from this Website.

A loyal knight.




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Aloyalknight
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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #8 - Jun 25th, 2006 at 12:46am
 
NEED SOME GOOD ADVICE FOR THIS QUESTION:

In relation to my above posts. I was not going to contact my darling at all.

And did I do the right thing no contacting her on her dad's Death Anniversary?

My question is this weekend coming up would be our weekend without our respective children. Should I wait for her to contact me or is it OK in these abnormal circumstances for me to always make the first contact.

This is what has been happening and on occasions my darling replies and agrees for me to see her. Obviously it would be nice for her to reach out to me but maybe she is not in the right place to be doing that. Maybe it is too hard for her and therefore it is best if for now I continue to gently take the initiative. But my question is is it OK because if she is so scared then is it then OK for me to reach out to her. Does she derive a sense of relief that I do contact her? I am worried that if I donot make the contact she is too scared to overcome her issues to make the contact. Gee I hope that makes sense?

I would like to see her say Friday night so I can get a feel for where things are at. My idea was to make contact and ask if she would like to have a relaxing time just doing some window shopping and a bite to eat or a movie.

I would also like to see observe where she is at with the stress and ever so gently if the moment is absolutely right to give her the book "The Courage to Heal" I have written inside the cover " To a beautiful soul... Whom I deeply care for and believe in! My strength and love embrace you forever!"

I don't want to push things but also I do not want to lose that thread of contact that continuity so to speak.

Hopefully someone can help?

Kind Regards A loyal knight.
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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #9 - Jun 25th, 2006 at 5:01pm
 
Hey Royal Knight!

I applaud your sense of concern and support for your love.   It is so nice to know that you care so much.  Some guys would run.  Which is what she is probably thinking.  Just like Kate said.  Sometimes we push those we love away because we don't feel worthy.  Or we don't want to burden them with our baggage.  I think gentle reassurance is not a bad thing at all.  And if you let her know that you aren't going anywhere ~ that you are here to support her no matter what ~ things really might work out in the end.  It might just be so overwhelming for her right now.  It's hard to say(since we don't know her at all) whether or not it was a bad thing to not contact her on the anniversary of her father's death.  You can just let her know that you were respecting her boundaries.  By the way ~ I didn't tell you earlier ~ but my father died 6 months after I married my husband.  It was a sudden death.  And I didn't shed a tear at the time.  I also pushed all of my abuse away for the sake of my kids.  I wanted to give them the best home life possible.  I wanted to be the best mom.  I didn't dare work on my own past until I knew that my kids were taken care of.  And now that they are older, I am taking care of me.  BUT ~ I think it might have helped me as a mother if I had helped myself earlier.  I hope that made sense.  It's just so hard to be a mom and take care of myself and heal at the same time.  I am trying.  But it's harder than my husband will ever know.  I keep too much to myself.  I think it's great that you are reading The Courage to Heal.  It was the first book I read when I started to deal with all of this.  It helped me so much.  I think your love will feel like you really do care about her if you give her the book and tell her that you read the part about partners.  I think it would make me feel like my partner really cared about ME and wanted what was best for me.  But it's so hard to say how she would take it since I don't know her (I'm repeating myself ~ sorry).  My husband has read things for me.  BUT ~ only after I showed him what I wanted him to read so he would understand me better.  I think he gets it for the most part.  As for getting the books ~ can you order them online?  I use Amazon.com.  Another book I bought for my husband was ~ Ghosts in the Bedroom.  It was written by a husband of a survivor.  And I think it helped my husband a lot in understanding me better.  I read through it also ~ and it was accurate.  I think the most important thing about me reading these books ~ and coming to this site ~ is that I now know that I am not alone.  When it was happening to me ~ I thought it was just me.  I never imagined that this was happening to other people as well.  So to come here and have people completely understand me ~ it's just amazing.  We really support each other here.   As for spending time with her this weekend, I might just let her know that you miss her, and that you would love to spend time with her if she felt up to it.  That way you let her know that you want to spend time.  But you are not pushing her or anything.  I don't know.  It's a tough situation that you are in ~ and I'm sorry about that.  But I think she is pretty lucky to have you.  Hang in there.

Mandi ~ Smiley
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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #10 - Jun 25th, 2006 at 7:34pm
 
Thank you Mandi.

I fully identify with what you have said and I can relate it to my darling. I am really struggling today. I am in a moment of feeling totally overwhelmed. 

I miss my girl, her voice, her company, her bright eyes, her smile, I miss not being able to stroke her head, hold her hand and give her cuddles as I know she loved me doing so much. She would often say what she loved about the things I would do, my spontaneous displays of public affection. My body just aches. No doubt this is grief that I am experiencing.

I hide this from her and am upbeat when I come into her world for the short time that I do. She does not need the burden of knowing that I am struggling. Boy though I am struggling. It is just madness.

I keep re-reading the Chapter on partners. I have just about finished the book. I will probably order in Ghosts in the Bedroom. But I do pretty much get the picture already. Basically it is hell for the survivor and hell for the partner.

At least I understand my darling cannot control her conduct even though from my perspective it seems harsh. I know she must care for and love me. I understand that she is just scared beyond imagination. The book says the closer you are the more the relationship is probably so right but it means it goes all wrong in the mind of the survivor. It is so wrong, so sad. Sorry I am just venting. Must keep my faith. 

Well I just may make contact with a text message tomorrow, being Tuesday and see what happens.

Thank you again.   A loyal Knight.
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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #11 - Jun 25th, 2006 at 8:34pm
 
I am so sorry for your pain!  It must be so hard.  I KNOW that not being with the one you love is hard.  I disagree with one thing only.  I think that it is OK to share your pain with her.  I feel like honest feelings should be shared.  I wish my husband would share his feelings with me more.  It is not a burden to hear his pain too.  It is hard.  But together ~ we can make it work.  The two of you can make it work too.  If you keep trying and working through it all.  You said that she liked the way you were.  That also includes just sharing how you are feeling about everything.  Even the bad feelings.  I don't know if others will agree or not.  KATE?  Any thoughts on this?  I also don't think that it is just total hell for the survivor and the partner.  Harder than we would like?  YES!!!  It is hell sometimes for me.  And it is hell sometimes for my husband.  But I shield him from so much of my hell.  Maybe that is not fair either.  As I just told you that you should share your feelings ~ even the bad.  It's just that my husband doesn't always sound quite as supportive as you.  I love him dearly.  He just isn't always good with words.  That's OK ~ I can handle it.  Anyway ~ I am very sorry for your pain.  Maybe a nice email about your feelings and how you miss her.  And how you wish you could be together.  She may just need to hear from you ~ and know that you still care.  It's so hard to know how she is feeling right now.  We can only go on what we might feel.  Hang in there ~ and vent all you want.  We do get husbands and partners here from time to time.  And it helps us to help you and them.  We learn things too.  

Mandi ~ Smiley
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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #12 - Jun 25th, 2006 at 11:09pm
 
Thanks Mandi.

I suppose because it is so early in the journey it is a terrible place to be just now. Not knowing what the ground rules are so to speak in regards to our relationship. Hopefully in the next week or so I can make a little bit of progress.

I know though at this stage my darling does not wish to talk about the subject of abuse. It is a no go zone. She also likes to refer to our relationship being over yet we still see each other secretly which I am still trying to understand. I am hoping that it is her way of coping. So being in a void of the unknown at this time is hard but I will have to push on.

I do know though that she is so stressed she cannot take on further burdens. That is why it is important at this stage to keep my pain hidden. Hopefully in time I will be able to share this with my darling if she shows signs of coping better with our relationship.

One week ago I saw her and I gave her a head massage for some 30 minutes and the relief was overwhelming for her. She kept saying "You have no idea how good that is. I feel like I have 30 years of stress in my head and you are just making it dissolve." She was so relaxed after it was amazing. So there is definitley significant stress there. She invited me to stay the night. So I alst saw her Sunday morning a week ago.

Fingers crossed.  A loyal knight.

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Aloyalknight
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Bearing through it!

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Gender: male
Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #13 - Jun 27th, 2006 at 1:02am
 
Smiley OUT OF THE DARKNESS CAME A RAY OF SUNSHINE  Smiley


Well to everyone I just have to give a BIG THANK YOU for your guidance to me as a partner of a survivor for giving me such insightful information and knowledge that has helped me from going insane trying to process what the heck is happening. Because of this website and the book I have learned how to re-act and how to act. Not to take it personally as I have been. I still have to remind myself of this often!

Out of the darkness yesterday I spoke with my darling for a bout 5 min on the phone and she told me that she missed my voice. In light of recent events that admission was a huge step.

Then at 10pm last night I received a text again saying it had been nice hearing from me and then she followed up with a phone call saying how she enjoyed hearing my voice. We spoke for an hour.

We have agreed to meet up for dinner tomorrow night. Small but positive steps. I have to stay though it has made me happy but also very anxious. These are still very scary times whilst I am trying to process it all whilst dealing with other grief.

The Courage to Heal Book is brilliant in relation to understanding the dynamics involved otherwise it certainly can look crazy. I have read the Partners Chapter that many times I have lost count. I am also learning that I have my own issues to address that relate to somewhere in all the madness I lost some of my independence. There is no doubt that you must have your own house in order if your are going to successfully survive supporting your loved one. So my aim is also to start being nice to myself and start learning again to enjoy my own company with my boys as I use to be able to do without my darling.

Anyway Iam trying not to look ahead but keep my mind in the present. But gee it is so very hard to do that.

A little happier Loyal Knight (Until the next curve ball!)

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Aloyalknight
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Re: Supporting A Loved Incest Survivor!
Reply #14 - Jun 27th, 2006 at 9:24am
 
Undecided Well the curve ball did not take long to come! A text this evening saying.
“Im thinking of you and the man u are……Why?”

Then a phone call seeking the answer. Then my love started asking all sorts of questions. Why are you hanging around? What do you want from me? Why don't you run a mile and keep running, I would?

I was very good and on my game to say the right things. But my love was hurtful at times then totally contradicted herself and came good. Then abruptly ended the call as if she was dismissing me. I figured that was her way of keeping control. I figured the other hurtful stuff was her way of testing me or dealing with her anger. I have written the converstaion in more detail in my journal.

Then to really confuse me like my brain was only spinning a million miles an hour and I was trying to put the boys to bed peacefully. I get this text.

“Thank you. I will now prepare myself to see you and enjoy your company soon.
Pleasant dreams and a good nite sleep. XO”

To which I reply

“Thank you Angel Eyes. I will look forward to your graceful company as I always do an your refreshing an stimulating intellect. Until tomorrow. Shall get the red carpet out!.

My love replied
"Too Shay! XO”

Well to say I am scared about tomorrow night is an understatement. Tonight I keep it upbeat and witty. Only because I felt there was an underlying current that she was battling her thoughts and it was not really meant to be personl at me.

However I thought I should say something to her that she was hurtful to set some boundaries. Not sure what others think? Will have another exhaustive sleepness night with some more reading.

I may have to re evaluate this if it gets too crazy.  Can only judge her conduct tomorrow and take it from there. Can anyone esle relate to this behaviour? I may need to get Ghosts in the Bedroom ASAP if this is going to be the journey or hopefully the hurtful stuff passes or I just have to keep deflecting it.

I suppose I at least got a nice text afterwards.

Sorry for posting so much but it does help.

A disillusioned Loyal Knight! Embarrassed



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