formfree
Baby Bear
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Bearing through it!
Posts: 25
Saint Louis Mo
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These Poems/thoughts represent the journey I made in 2004 from a desire to end my life and the constant psychological struggle with the effects of Childhood sexual abuse. Instead I was able to see a light that got me thru one more year. This year I am getting help. I started EMDR treatment last week and I fully expect it to be effective in diminishing the effects of the abuse. This will be a long process so get a cup of coffee, IF you do not have the stamina to read it all Please read the last one. Thanks -Formfree
Whispering Winds
Whispering winds caress the recesses of my mind. Each carries with it brief flashes of horrors unspoken. Like lightning across the dark and desolate plains only a glimpse of the horror can be spied, never enough to fill the eye with the vision of that which is and refuses to die.
Shame.
Oh the winds that haunt my every moment, what is their passion what is their aim... If not to draw me farther from that which is wholesome and sane.
Thru the years the winds grow ever stronger and soon with gale like force they rend my soul and spirit leaving me divorced of hope.
Fear.
How much longer,oh flesh can you withstand the fracture of the trinity that makes you human. When will the winds conquer even you and destroy the shell ,whose soul purpose was to pretend that childhood pain is passing and has no measurable effect on the person in the end.
FREEDOM Freed to follow free to lead Redeemed to create my individual creed Extricated from the paths tread before Emancipated for new heights to soar Delivered from the chains of others expectations Obligated no more to perform for ovations Mastered by none, enslaved by me.
ME Me has no plan and no greater vision. Simply to hide in this life and from any mission The consequence of avoiding decision is bondage to the mundane and a heart of derision
Darkness Darkness fall in fullness upon me. Hide me from the pain within.
Deaden my senses numb my soul Obliterate the painful visions of memory Allow me wholeness again.
What would I give to not remember Oh for the bliss of ignorance so sweet Fair would be the return to innocence To undo this life of wrenching defeat.
I did nothing to incite this agony It came from familiar camps seeking me As a child I was a victim of this all to common tradegy as an adult a victor I shall be.
If the path that leads to victory requires an exorcism of the soul.. then how shall I accomplish this awesome remedy being less than whole?
My mind remembers of its own volition Each memory revives visions of pain and feelings of dread So difficult is it to live in normalcy while walking these paths with the undead.
Come now oh darkness cleanse my spirit, deaden my mind and numb my soul. It is clear that to win this battle I must regain what was taken from me. I must be whole.
How long now need I wait ? When will the aura of this life pass? I long to see the dawn of a new birth and to know victory at last.
Victory I am free Freed by age and personal responsibility. Free to hide no more beneath my bed. Free from pain and free from dread.
Clearer than ever my eye could see abuse adds new dimensions to reality. For despite freedom from the demons that pursued me My mind replays those past atrocities.
For this age I did pray When I could be independent and unafraid. I vowed to create a safe place for me Where fear was conquered and I had no urge to flee.
Yet here I sit on of my bed Fighting the visions in my head. Like a battle worn warrior I swing wide and slow, striking at memories blow by blow. And without any effort that I can see, my opponent swings and the vision wounds with finality. With a vivid scene of the past - the pain floods in, my strength does not last.
I lie down.
A hideous reality floods my heart. I knew this with out recognition from the start. As hope drowns in the tears of another vision I now concede the evil inhabits my mind and between it and I there is no division.
What options are there left for me. I can not live entombed by my mind in its evil reality. I see no alternative but to destroy it or forever quake in the presences of its infirmity.
So then death becomes my savior and darkness my healing balm. victory will be won when this mind is gone.
Visitor A stranger named Hope came to visit me.
He touched my mind with glimpses of A place Where tears are no more and pain can not erase visions of sanity. A place with Infinite light stripped of agony. A place prepared for those like me.
I spoke to Hope I called his name and said dear sir you must refrain from flowery visions that promise no pain. I know you mean well and I appreciate the thought. However dear sir this life has otherwise taught There is no place like that for me.
There is ONLY what freedom death affords and my soul is His just reward.
Hope stood tall and looked at me. He thrust out his hand and said .. come see.
I recoiled from such exuberance
I said dear Hope I am afraid How can I know your offer is not a charade thinly vailed to deliver me only a mirage of safety. And in the end you prove to be a new evil come to torment me.
Undaunted by my distrust Hope stooped low He lifted my chin and said sincerely... I will come again and when I do I will not depart for my new home will be your heart.
Wait, don't leave me please, I implore! I have just one question more. What does it mean to be free?
Am I really a free agent or am I just free to chose only what is placed before me by the design of some omnipotent muse.
Is my life really sculpted by choices made by me alone or was my course determined long before time did drone?
Should my way be mine, then I must concede that I have fallen into the hands of angry humanity. No warnings were given and no alarms did sound as layer by layer I have been stripped of the vision that could keep my mind sound.
Should my way be directed by another then why indeed were the things allowed that have destroyed my soul and caused anguish untold?
Hope reached for my heart and said every so gently...
I know that you hurt I see how you bleed. I have come to offer you escape from the vision of these evil deeds. These wounds are familiar delivered by those whose hands your fathers told you to hold. I know despite the innocence of your sacred trust they abused their position and destroyed you with their lusts.
So please indulge me just a little while more, while I invite my dear friend LOVE to come thru your door. He has the answers you so desperately seek.
If you will but listen He will calm your anguish and teach your heart how not to bleed.
LOVE STEPPED IN Love Stepped in. He sat quietly by my side. From his presence flowed a warmth and peace that could not be denied.
In His aura I found sweet comfort that calmed my weary soul and there I rested for a time and dreamed.
It seemed an eternity of tranquility passed before he turned to me, smiled tenderly, then began at last to speak.
You are free there are no chains. Your steps were not pre-ordained to lead you anywhere you WILL not go.
Freedom is for all humans. But in the hands of selfish men it is the means by which the weaker are overthrown.
And so it was with you. Long before you found a voice to cry out for freedom from their choices. You were bound and caused to be a slave to their deeds bound by fear silenced by greed that gave no ear to your needs.
The visions branded on your memory impaled your mind on deeds of infamy and blocked the path towards graceful maturity opening the flood gates of shame.
Trust was the first causality then Love and Hope failed to grow as need be leaving only that empty place called alone.
Without these three you stand condemned to lose this battle in the end. Life's victories are not won by a bloodied army of one.
Love fell silent. He sit there quietly Not one word did He speak
He had skilfully diagnosed the condition of my soul. My spirit found agreement with His words and relief in finally hearing them told.
Eager was I to hear what more He might reveal yet careful not to disturb His quiet as it appeared He was communing with some unseen friend or foe.
My heart comforted by His presence and skillful speech was content to wait until He broke the silence with more tender words of wisdom and a remedy crafted for me.
Freedom? Force I will use You have no choice. Rigid are my rules, you have no voice. Enslaved to my will you forever will be. Equality is only for the strong who are free Domination of your will makes me whole Obey me , I Own you ,you are now my property. Mastery of your freedom is my Divinity.
Fields of Green and Butterflies Eyes but no Vision There is no face near my bed. Ears but No Hearing Must block the whispered words he says. Will but no Freedom Can't push him away from me. Voice but no speech Don't tell again they don't believe. Feet but can't run No place that will shelter me. Heart but no rhythm Stopped by fear afraid to beat. Mind but no plan Obey my elders always
Hope and a prayer There is a place for me to hide. Eyes that see- A tree where I sit in sunlit safety. Ears that hear- A bubbling brook runs near by. Hands that touch- A Friend there to hold me tight. Voice that speaks- Those gentle words again tonight. Heart That Beats- Soft rhythmic soothing sounds of peace Feet that are free- Find fields of green and butterflies.
Love Answers Love looked at me with eyes of serenity He gazed deep into my soul. To my heart he began to speak that which would make me whole.
There is an unseen force above ABBA is His name He created you to help the hurting and eradicate the shame.
It is true He saw you suffer He also felt your pain. He now offers you His healing plan- you did not suffer in vain.
The plans He has for you, If you will let Him lead, will sooth the hurting and heal the souls of many in need.
Love paused a moment .... an angry storm of questions erupted from deep inside of me.
If ABBA did see these things then why did He not make them stop? He watched me struggle? He watched me bleed? He saw the despair in my heart? How powerful then can He be if He allowed these things to happen to me?
Love answered...
ABBA has plotted a course for all of His creation. To man He gave the choice and means to turn from selfishness and temptation. Some accept His plan and find peace in hope for all life's situations.
Others choose to be governed by self and its insatiable greed leaving no room for compassion unconcerned with human need.
It was the latter who did you harm. You became an object for their pleasure your humanity had no meaning and your souls vitality they did not care to measure.
Freewill is a right of humanity given by their creator to allow man to carefully choose his subjugator.
Should self-rule be the choice then by the greed of human lusts, enslavement will come swiftly. Intoxicated by an illusion that their desire should be all consuming then lulled to sleep by the pied piper of I , my self and Me they are empty of love and simple human charity.
Willing rule by ABBA and His eternal plan is fulfilling to the heart ,mind and soul of man. Communing with his creator is what his spirit seeks to be filled with wisdom, endowed with vision and truly free.
ABBA has selected many who will follow in the end to His eternal city of peace and freedom from selfish men.
Even those elected by Him have the ability to refuse. In the end their destiny will be governed by the paths they willingly choose.
You did not suffer by the will nor by the willful neglect of your Creator but instead by the Freewill of bad men, exercised over you.
ABBA has chosen the freewill of those who allow Him to lead to repair the damage done by selfish men in their willful quest of greed.
Now ABBA has sent Hope and Love to heal your heart and Mine the shattered pieces of your soul.
You will be the Victor over all that has enslaved you. Your broken chains will be the key used to loose others so abused and help them to be whole again and free.
If what you say is true Then I want Abba to lead. For His good plan I want to work for the good of humanity. But all the desire in the world can never accomplish His plan as long as my soul is dark with fear and no hope dwells within. How then shall a shattered remnant like me be used to set other captives free?
HOPE To my souls cave of dark Despair dampend by streams of tears comes the brilliant searching light of loves infinite years.
Light scatters the darkness and with it flees the fears of deeds past and present uncertainties.
All that remains is the souls naked shame exposed in all the ugliness left by fear, distrust and pain and the question of ones own culpability just laying there for all to see.
Love covers my shame in His cloak of acceptance, points to the floor and scatters the shards of rock with his toe...
Look, here in the dust of struggle and strain I see nuggets of perseverance without stain.
Wait ,there beneath the flakes of pain the ore of compassion glows unrestrained.
Look, in the river of tears I see the bedrock of joy and appreciation for life's years.
There eroding the bolder of despair I see strength in Hope.. enough for all your days to share.
Thru the depths of my soul we journyed on Love pointing out what there was to see As night turned into day my shame melted away. My heart sparked a small flame of hope reingiting a cold ember of life in me.
As we drew nearer the end I noted that loves steps were labored. I inquired as to the nature of His stuggle. He pointed to his pockets and said I have gathered some gems from your lifes troubles.
What will you do with them I asked? He pointed to a wall up a head. Riddled with holes it looked old, dirty and cold He placed the stones with care in the empty places. Like beautiful pictures in frames of coal they rested ...so unnaturally in the filthy holes. He fussed and puttered for a time until he was satisfied with his akward melding of beauty and grime. With a smile on his lips and a twinkle in his eye He all but sang Wait and see what has sprung from your lifes pain.
The sun rose in brilliant colors over the horizon the red, orange and gold hues crept across the caves dusty floor then slowly up the walls continued rising... until it illuminated the place love had so carefully adorned.
The stones greedily drank in the morning rays until they had reached their fill then One by one they gave off a light of their own that filled this dark place with a kalidescpose of graceful dancing color. Their light transformed the gloomy cave.
The cave of doom and dread litup like a starburst around me and over my head as the stones answered the morning sun with brilliance of their very own praising the beauty of Abbas new day and adding hues of color that reflected his light in a unique way.
Love turned to me and said Abbas plan for you is to use your wall of gems as a voice to praise his light to those like you who have been trapped in a dark soul by humanities selfish whims.
Will you let him lead.... Will you follow Him?
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