Bearing Through It
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Baby Bear

Bearing through it!

Posts: 25
Saint Louis Mo
Gender: female
The Entire Story
Nov 8th, 2005 at 8:31pm
These Poems/thoughts represent the journey I made in 2004 from a desire to end my life and the constant psychological struggle with the effects of Childhood sexual abuse. Instead I was able to see a light that got me thru one more year.  This year I am getting help. I started EMDR treatment last week and I fully expect it to be effective in diminishing the effects of the abuse.
This will be a long process so get a cup of coffee, IF you do not have the stamina to read it all Please read the last one.

Whispering Winds

Whispering winds caress the recesses of my mind.
Each carries with it brief flashes of horrors unspoken.
Like lightning across the dark and desolate plains
only a glimpse of the horror can be spied,
never enough to fill the eye
with the vision of that which is and refuses to die.


Oh the winds that haunt my every moment,
what is their passion what is their aim...
If not to draw me farther from that
which is wholesome and sane.

Thru the years the winds grow ever stronger
and soon with gale like force
they rend my soul and spirit
leaving me divorced of hope.


How much longer,oh flesh can you withstand
the fracture of the trinity that makes you human.
When will the winds conquer even you
and destroy the shell ,whose soul purpose was to pretend
that childhood pain is passing
and has no measurable effect on the person in the end.

Freed to follow free to lead
Redeemed to create my individual creed
Extricated from the paths tread before
Emancipated for new heights to soar
Delivered from the chains of others expectations
Obligated no more to perform for ovations
Mastered by none, enslaved by me.

Me has no plan and no greater vision.
Simply to hide in this life and from any mission
The consequence of avoiding decision
is bondage to the mundane and a heart of derision

Darkness fall in fullness upon me.
Hide me from the pain within.

Deaden my senses numb my soul
Obliterate the painful visions of memory
Allow me wholeness again.

What would I give to not remember
Oh for the bliss of ignorance so sweet
Fair would be the return to innocence
To undo this life of wrenching defeat.

I did nothing to incite this agony
It came from familiar camps seeking me
As a child I was a victim of this all to common tradegy
as an adult a victor I shall be.

If the path that leads to victory requires an exorcism of the soul..
then how shall I accomplish this awesome remedy
being less than whole?

My mind remembers of its own volition
Each memory revives visions of pain and feelings of dread
So difficult is it to live in normalcy
while walking these paths with the undead.

Come now oh darkness
cleanse my spirit,
deaden my mind and numb my soul.
It is clear that to win this battle
I must regain what was taken from me.
I must be whole.

How long now need I wait ?
When will the aura of this life pass?
I long to see the dawn of a new birth and to know victory at last.

I am free
Freed by age and personal responsibility.
Free to hide no more beneath my bed.
Free from pain and free from dread.

Clearer than ever my eye could see
abuse adds new dimensions to reality.
For despite freedom from the demons that pursued me
My mind replays those past atrocities.

For this age I did pray
When I could be independent and unafraid.
I vowed to create a safe place for me
Where fear was conquered and I had no urge to flee.

Yet here I sit on of my bed
Fighting the visions in my head.
Like a battle worn warrior I swing wide and slow,
striking at memories blow by blow.
And without any effort that I can see,
my opponent swings and the vision wounds with finality.
With a vivid scene of the past -
the pain floods in, my strength does not last.

I lie down.

A hideous reality floods my heart.
I knew this with out recognition from the start.
As hope drowns in the tears of another vision I now concede
the evil inhabits my mind and between it and I there is no division.

What options are there left for me.
I can not live entombed by my mind in its evil reality.
I see no alternative but to destroy it
or forever quake in the presences of its infirmity.

So then death becomes my savior and darkness my healing balm.
victory will be won when this mind is gone.

A stranger named Hope came to visit me.

He touched my mind with glimpses of
A place Where tears are no more and pain can not erase visions of sanity.
A place with Infinite light stripped of agony.
A place prepared for those like me.

I spoke to Hope
I called his name and said
dear sir you must refrain from
flowery visions that promise no pain.
I know you mean well and I appreciate the thought.
However dear sir this life has otherwise taught
There is no place like that for me.

There is ONLY what freedom death affords and my soul is His just reward.

Hope stood tall and looked at me.
He thrust out his hand and said .. come see.

I recoiled from such exuberance

I said dear Hope I am afraid
How can I know your offer is not a charade
thinly vailed to deliver me only a mirage of safety.
And in the end you prove to be a new evil come to torment me.

Undaunted by my distrust Hope stooped low
He lifted my chin and said sincerely... I will come again
and when I do I will not depart for my new home will be your heart.

Wait, don't leave me please, I implore!
I have just one question more.
What does it mean to be free?

Am I really a free agent or am I just free to chose only what is placed before me by the design of some omnipotent muse.

Is my life really sculpted by choices made by me alone
or was my course determined long before time did drone?

Should my way be mine, then I must concede that I have fallen into the hands of angry humanity.
No warnings were given and no alarms did sound as layer by layer I have been stripped of the vision that could keep my mind sound.

Should my way be directed by another then why indeed were the things allowed that have destroyed my soul and caused anguish untold?

Hope reached for my heart and said every so gently...

I know that you hurt I see how you bleed. I have come to
offer you escape from the vision of these evil deeds.
These wounds are familiar delivered by those whose hands your fathers told you to hold. I know despite the innocence of your sacred trust they abused their position and destroyed you with their lusts.

So please indulge me just a little while more, while I invite my dear friend LOVE to come thru your door.
He has the answers you so desperately seek.

If you will but listen He will calm your anguish and teach your heart how not to bleed.

Love Stepped in.
He sat quietly by my side.
From his presence flowed a warmth
and peace that could not be denied.

In His aura I found sweet comfort
that calmed my weary soul
and there I rested for a time and dreamed.

It seemed an eternity of tranquility
passed before he turned to me,
smiled tenderly,
then began at last to speak.

You are free there are no chains.
Your steps were not pre-ordained
to lead you anywhere you WILL not go.

Freedom is for all humans.
But in the hands of selfish men it is the means by which the weaker are overthrown.

And so it was with you.
Long before you found a voice
to cry out for freedom from their choices.
You were bound and caused to be a slave
to their deeds bound by fear silenced by greed
that gave no ear to your needs.

The visions branded on your memory
impaled your mind on deeds of infamy
and blocked the path towards graceful maturity
opening the flood gates of shame.

Trust was the first causality
then Love and Hope failed to grow as need be
leaving only that empty place called alone.

Without these three you stand condemned to lose this battle in the end.
Life's victories are not won by a bloodied army of one.

Love fell silent.
He sit there quietly
Not one word did He speak

He had skilfully diagnosed the condition of my soul.
My spirit found agreement with His words
and relief in finally hearing them told.

Eager was I to hear what more He might reveal
yet careful not to disturb His quiet as it appeared He was communing with some unseen friend or foe.

My heart comforted by His presence
and skillful speech was content to wait until
He broke the silence with more tender words of wisdom
and a remedy crafted for me.

Force I will use You have no choice.
Rigid are my rules, you have no voice.
Enslaved to my will you forever will be.
Equality is only for the strong who are free
Domination of your will makes me whole
Obey me , I Own you ,you are now my property.
Mastery of your freedom is my Divinity.

Fields of Green and Butterflies
Eyes but no Vision
There is no face near my bed.
Ears but No Hearing
Must block the whispered words he says.
Will but no Freedom
Can't push him away from me.
Voice but no speech
Don't tell again they don't believe.
Feet but can't run
No place that will shelter me.
Heart but no rhythm
Stopped by fear afraid to beat.
Mind but no plan
Obey my elders always

Hope and a prayer
There is a place for me to hide.
Eyes that see-
A tree where I sit in sunlit safety.
Ears that hear-
A bubbling brook runs near by.
Hands that touch-
A Friend there to hold me tight.
Voice that speaks-
Those gentle words again tonight.
Heart That Beats-
Soft rhythmic soothing sounds of peace
Feet that are free-
Find fields of green and butterflies.

Love Answers
Love looked at me
with eyes of serenity
He gazed deep into my soul.
To my heart he began to speak
that which would make me whole.

There is an unseen force above
ABBA is His name
He created you to help the hurting
and eradicate the shame.

It is true He saw you suffer
He also felt your pain.
He now offers you His healing plan-
you did not suffer in vain.

The plans He has for you,
If you will let Him lead,
will sooth the hurting
and heal the souls of many in need.

Love paused a moment ....
an angry storm of questions erupted from deep inside of me.

If ABBA did see these things
then why did He not make them stop?
He watched me struggle?
He watched me bleed?
He saw the despair in my heart?
How powerful then can He be
if He allowed these things to happen to me?

Love answered...

ABBA has plotted a course for all of His creation.
To man He gave the choice and means to turn from selfishness and temptation.
Some accept His plan and find peace in hope for all life's situations.

Others choose to be governed by self
and its insatiable greed
leaving no room for compassion
unconcerned with human need.

It was the latter who did you harm.
You became an object for their pleasure
your humanity had no meaning
and your souls vitality they did not care to measure.

Freewill is a right of humanity given by their creator
to allow man to carefully choose his subjugator.

Should self-rule be the choice
then by the greed of human lusts,
enslavement will come swiftly.
Intoxicated by an illusion
that their desire should be all consuming
then lulled to sleep by the pied piper of I , my self and Me
they are empty of love and simple human charity.

Willing rule by ABBA and His eternal plan
is fulfilling to the heart ,mind and soul of man.
Communing with his creator is what his spirit seeks
to be filled with wisdom, endowed with vision and truly free.

ABBA has selected many who will follow in the end
to His eternal city of peace
and freedom from selfish men.

Even those elected by Him have the ability to refuse.
In the end their destiny will be governed by the paths they willingly choose.

You did not suffer by the will
nor by the willful neglect of your Creator
but instead by the Freewill of bad men, exercised over you.

ABBA has chosen the freewill of those who allow Him to lead
to repair the damage done by selfish men
in their willful quest of greed.

Now ABBA has sent Hope and Love to heal your heart and Mine the shattered pieces of your soul.

You will be the Victor over all that has enslaved you.
Your broken chains will be the key
used to loose others so abused
and help them to be whole again and free.

If what you say is true
Then I want Abba to lead.
For His good plan I want to work
for the good of humanity.
But all the desire in the world can never accomplish
His plan as long as my soul is dark with fear
and no hope dwells within.
How then shall a shattered remnant like me
be used to set other captives free?

To my souls cave of dark Despair
dampend by streams of tears
comes the brilliant searching light
of loves infinite years.

Light scatters the darkness
and with it flees the fears of deeds past
and present uncertainties.

All that remains is the souls naked shame
exposed in all the ugliness
left by fear, distrust and pain
and the question of ones own culpability
just laying there for all to see.

Love covers my shame in His cloak of acceptance,
points to the floor and scatters the shards of rock with his toe...

Look, here in the dust of struggle and strain
I see nuggets of perseverance without stain.

Wait ,there beneath the flakes of pain
the ore of compassion glows unrestrained.

Look, in the river of tears
I see the bedrock of joy
and appreciation for life's years.

There eroding the bolder of despair
I see strength in Hope..
enough for all your days to share.

Thru the depths of my soul we journyed on
Love pointing out what there was to see
As night turned into day my shame melted away.
My heart sparked a small flame of hope
reingiting a cold ember of life in me.

As we drew nearer the end I noted that loves
steps were labored.
I inquired as to the nature of His stuggle.
He pointed to his pockets and said
I have gathered some gems from your lifes troubles.

What will you do with them I asked?
He pointed to a wall up a head.
Riddled with holes it looked old, dirty and cold
He placed the stones with care in the empty places.
Like beautiful pictures in frames of coal
they rested unnaturally in the filthy holes.
He fussed and puttered for a time
until he was satisfied with his akward melding of
beauty and grime.
With a smile on his lips and a twinkle in his eye
He all but sang
Wait and see what has sprung from your lifes pain.

The sun rose in brilliant colors over the horizon
the red, orange and gold hues crept across the caves dusty floor then slowly up the walls continued rising...
until it illuminated the place love had so carefully adorned.

The stones greedily drank in the morning rays
until they had reached their fill
then One by one they gave off a light of their own
that filled this dark place with a kalidescpose of graceful dancing color. Their light transformed the gloomy cave.

The cave of doom and dread
litup like a starburst around me and over my head
as the stones answered the morning sun with brilliance of their very own praising the beauty of Abbas new day
and adding hues of color that reflected his light in a unique way.

Love turned to me and said
Abbas plan for you
is to use your wall of gems as a voice to praise his light
to those like you who have been trapped in a dark soul by humanities selfish whims.

Will you let him lead....
Will you follow Him?

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Super Bear

Posts: 2909
Gender: female
Re: The Entire Story
Reply #1 - Nov 8th, 2005 at 9:27pm
I'm glad that you are still here ~ and that you are sharing with us.  That helps more than you know ~ all of us.   I have done EMDR also.  It helped ~ but it also unlocked many doors that were closed.  Be prepared ~ but it will get better.  Hang in there!!  And thanks for sharing your words with us.  You say what I cannot.  

PS ~ I read them all but I loved the last one.  I have trouble with it sometimes ~ but I do follow Him.  I am struggling with it now though.  Silently.

Big hugs,
Mandi Smiley
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At some point, you have to make a decision.Boundaries don't keep other people out.They fence you in.Life is messy.That's how we're made.So,you can waste your lives drawing lines.Or you can live your l
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Care Bear

One of many

Posts: 652
Gender: female
Re: The Entire Story
Reply #2 - Nov 8th, 2005 at 9:55pm
Hi there,

I am sorry that someone used your work without crediting you... 

You are such an amazing writer... wish I could express myself that well with words.

See you around -- either here or on DA Wink
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It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But, it is never gone.&&~Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy~
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Baby Bear

Bearing through it!

Posts: 25
Saint Louis Mo
Gender: female
Re: The Entire Story
Reply #3 - Nov 9th, 2005 at 11:39am
  People do whatever they have to do to get to the end of each day.  I feel badly for folks who are in a bad place that does not allow the finer human virtues to prevail. But give them time... they will hopefully recover and press on to be something better then they are today.  I believe that because I look in the mirror every morning and each day I am a little better then I was the morning before. We all can be.
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Junior Bear

Bearing through it!

Posts: 93
Gender: female
Re: The Entire Story
Reply #4 - Nov 10th, 2005 at 10:16am
For the time being I took your advice and simply read the last one first.

I sit here typing this with goosebumps and joy at the journey I have just undertaken.  As I read I could see the wall and the stones that Love carried in his pocket.  The light of the morning sun was radiant and cast its shadows.

Formfree, you have a gift.  A very special gift and I wish to thank you for allowing me to journey through your words with you.

I will create a special time, a quiet time, for myself to read the others and, once again, journey with you.

Thank you,

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Share Bear

Bearing through it!

Posts: 157
Gender: female
Re: The Entire Story
Reply #5 - Nov 22nd, 2005 at 5:49pm
I have just read your story and the last poem on this post.

It truely touched me.

You DO have a gift.

Thank you for sharing it.

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