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Trying to stay safe  *MT* (Read 2232 times)
Tracey
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Trying to stay safe  *MT*
Mar 11th, 2005 at 2:43pm
 
If I could turn back time by one day
it would take me back to yesterday
where I'd listen to my heart
and never venture down the path
where I believed that they could help me heal
instead of destroying all that I feel.

They've hurt me more than you'll ever know
with their words to try and understand my woe
do they not realise that I punish myself already so, for never, ever saying No?
I'm trying hard not to release the pain and to inflict more harm once again.

I want this night to be one many and not one of few
Is there something that will help me pull through
wherever you are and what ever you do
please help to guide me through
out of the dark to find relief from the pain
without my balde releasing the strain.
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Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
 
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Rivkele
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Re: Trying to stay safe  *MT*
Reply #1 - Mar 11th, 2005 at 2:57pm
 
Tracey,
Your poem is so sad ~ I can feel all of your pain and hurt form that horrible appointment in it. I'm so sorry you are still feeling so awful about it ~ but good that you're managing to get it out. That's the way to feel better eventually. Please don't beat yourself up about never saying no as a child. I understand why you would because I have too before now. But a little girl isn't in a position to say yes or no. Some abusers are too threatening for a child to show any resistance. Some confuse a child by dressing what they are doing up as love. Some, like my dad, pretend it isn't even happening. How ever your abuse occurred, that little girl had no power at all and the chances are if she had mananged to scream and shout and make a fuss she would have been hurt a lot worse. She did whatever she could to make it through an impossible situation. ALL abusers are clever and manipulative and know just what to do to silence a child. I know that I never said no. Never. I never even spoke to him or even looked at him while it was happening. I lay there and let him do it. But what else could a little child do? It isn't like I actually had a choice. And nor did you. No matter what that idiot of a psychiatrist says.

I'm glad you posted to stay safe and not self-harm. Keep coming back all you need to.

Take care and I'll be thinking of you,

Riv
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'A person should want to live, if only out of curiosity'        Yiddish proverb
 
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revenna
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Re: Trying to stay safe  *MT*
Reply #2 - Mar 11th, 2005 at 5:09pm
 
Tracey,

I'm glad you shared this poem with us.  I do feel the sadness in what you are saying, but also the hope that your future can be better.

You are not to blame for what happened to you.  Our abusers played tricks on our minds.  My dad used to make a game of everything and he made me believe I wanted to play these games with him.  Every abuser has a way of seducing their victim.  Some are more subtle than others.  But the children being abused are never at fault.

I'm glad you wrote this poem.  It describes your feelings so well and I can certainly relate to what you are saying.  Please keep coming here and writing more, if you want.  You are helping all of us.

Rev
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lostsoul
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Re: Trying to stay safe  *MT*
Reply #3 - Mar 13th, 2005 at 12:22pm
 
Tracey,

You have done a wonderful job of getting your feelings out and posted here.  I hope you keep this up.  Coming here is a great way for you to get some release of that pain without s/i.  Worth a try.

I must say that I bet the majority of us never said no to our abuser.  I know I didn't.  I constatnly went into his room because I felt it was what I was suppose to be doing.  Never once did I say no - well kind of once but when he asked if I said no I denied it afraid of not doing my job.  Just want you to know that you were not alone in not telling your abuser no.  If we posted it here on this site almost everyone would reply that they never said no to their abuser. You are no different than the rest of us - someone took advantage of us in the worst way and we are all paying for it now.

Please keep coming here.  You can e-mail me whenever you need to vent about things. I am here for you, we are all here for you.

kate
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Hope
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Re: Trying to stay safe  *MT*
Reply #4 - Mar 13th, 2005 at 2:56pm
 
Tracey,

I feel your pain and I am thinking of you today.  Please do whatever it takes to keep you safe.  You are so worth it.
I can't offer you much more right now, because of where I am myself.

Quietly sitting with you,
Hope
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"all who wander are not lost. . ."&&&&don't know who said it, but i like it.
 
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