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My Abuser..... (Read 2800 times)
ginabella
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My Abuser.....
Mar 10th, 2004 at 9:54pm
 
My mom just called me a couple of days ago to tell me that my brother (my abuser) may be sent to Haiti.  (he's in the Coast Guard and he may have to go there to help work on the ships).
Anyway, I think my mom expected me to sympathize or something..but I didn't.  I had absolutly nothing to say and then she asked me if I'VE spoken to him....HA!  I almost screamed at her right then and there but I was in a public place on my cell phone.  I almost poured out everything but didn't.
You see, i have gone through years and years of pretending, myself, that nothing happened and continued to be nice and caring towards my a bro.  But in the past 2 years I have come to really face the facts and face my abuse and now I hate him.  Of course, I haven't really spoken to him in the past 2 years (this is not unusual with my family) and he must have no clue about how I feel.
In fact, it just really hit me hard today...the abuse.  I was in my kitchen washing dishes and I just started to think about it. (I've actually been feeling gross and self consious allday).  It just totally hit me about how grotesque my situation was!!  This is not a normal thing that happened to me and yet I have lived most of my life just kinda accepting it and letting it roll off my back..and yet this whole time it was eating away at my insides and I didn't know it!!!!!  I wanna know why this happened and what did I do in my past life to diserve this happening to me.  Yet I am so super scared to face my mom or my bro about it.  I haven't even told my sister (whom I'm very close with).  Did my dad molest him?  I know he abused him in other ways.  My dad isn't even alive to give any answers.
IT'S NOT FAIR!!!  This is why I eat tons of chocolate for comfort!  This is why I hate myself and hate my body and sometimes want to throw up after having an orgasm!!
Embarrassed
I just pray that he didn't hurt anyone else.  I hope he didn't do anything to his daughter (my niece).  She's 14 and has already shown signs of self abuse, has nervous problems and depression and is on medication.  She hasn't seen her father (my bro) much most of her life so maybe it's just from that.  Gee, I hope that's all.

Anyway, I had to let that out..I'm sure you don't mind.

-ginabella
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With the time, comes the answer;&&With the knowledge comes the end.&&With the conclusion comes the sanity;&&Just a little bit too late.
 
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tinygirlchild
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Re: My Abuser.....
Reply #1 - Mar 11th, 2004 at 8:36am
 
beautiful gina,

it sounds like it's time to tell . . . time to stop carrying the guilt and self-hatred and put it where it belongs.  have you tried writing a letter to your mom, your sister, your abuser (doesn't deserve the honorific 'brother')?

do you feel you're ready to confront?  are you in therapy, and do you have a strong support system around you?

it's time to turn it around . . . you're continuing his abuse by your abuse of yourself.  you're giving him continued power in your life thru' addictions and the negative messages you give yourself, thru' your fear of him/his reaction.  do you really want him to be in control of you, even now?

you are a grown woman deserving of so much more than to live in fear, shame, self-loathing, guilt, etc..  you deserve to speak truth, and to heal, finally from the horror visited upon you by someone you trusted to take care of you!

no, it was not normal, nor was it something that should just roll off of you like it was nothing!  you were abused, and you deserve the freedom that comes from facing that and taking back control of yourself and your life.  you did nothing -- absolutely nothing -- to deserve what he did to you!!!  he is a monster that deserves no good thought or feeling from you.  he deserves nothing less than to have to face his own sister, telling him that she considers him less than dirt for what he did.

whether or not your father abused him is not yet relevent.  first, you have to deal with what was done to you . . . to work thru' the emotions, the memories, the fear, etc.  first, you must confront.  later, once you are at a stronger place you can seek understanding as to why -- that's when IF your father molested him can be answered and allowed as a reason (never an excuse).

in the meantime, as you deal with all of this and take the necessary steps, we are here . . . always.

all my love,

ticia
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Work like you don't need the money. &&Love like you've never been hurt. &&Dance like nobody's watching. &&Sing like nobody's listening. &&Live like it's Heaven on Earth. &&&&Anonymous&&
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Yolande
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Re: My Abuser.....
Reply #2 - Mar 11th, 2004 at 9:01am
 
Dear Ginabella,

Let me assure you, that there could be nothing that you did (in past life, if you believe in that, or in this life) to deserve your abuse by your brother.  Nothing at all.  No one ever deserves that, and especially not a little innocent child.

I totally back up Ticia's advice in every way.  It is good that you have come to realize some of what your abuse has done to you, so that you can really start dealing with it, and removing those things from your psyche.   Shame the journey is a painful one, though.   

I feel so sad for you that you haven't even been able to tell your sister - let alone anyone else, yet. 

I feel for you with your concern for your niece, too.  IF he has also got to his daughter, you speaking out may help her to deal with it, too, before she goes too far along on trying to run away from it, thereby only hurting herself.  Most abuse victims feel like they are the only one that their abuser got to - and sometimes that is the case, yet so often, they abuse many children - all who carry their secret, alone into adulthood. 

Do you have any books to help you through the process of healing?  Toxic parents, The courage to heal, and others recommended to Kaye in one of her earlier posts may be helpful.  Feel free to email me anytime, too, Gina.

Here for you,

Jill

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Cheryl
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Re: My Abuser.....
Reply #3 - Mar 11th, 2004 at 9:38am
 
Ginabella,

I also agree with Ticia and Jill.  One thing though, please make sure when/if you confront your abuser that you are totally prepared.  Make sure you have a support network in place.

Remember you don't have to do this alone and you DO NOT Have to carry around this baggage anymore.

~ Cheryl
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nomore
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Re: My Abuser.....
Reply #4 - Mar 11th, 2004 at 9:44am
 
Ginabella,

You should not be suffering for HIS dirty, sick behavior.  I understand how you feel.  I've hated myself most of my life until I had so much pain I had to do something about it.  Your little Ginabella didn't even understand what was happening to her.  There is NO way she could have been responsible for it.  Every bit of the shame and remorse and guilt and sick feelings are on HIM.  I hope you have a good therapist.  I have one that pushed me into confronting when I felt I couldn't and most definitely didn't want to do it.  But, I was capable of doing it, and I did it.  The roof hasn't fallen in, and everything has shifted.  The heavy, heavy burden that was crushing me has now gone over onto him, where it has ALWAYS belonged.   Please try to love yourself, which is what you've always needed.  I told my sister, who is also a friend to me, and we've been able to support each other.  You have done nothing wrong, and you shouldn't be treating yourself like you have. 

Janet
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Kaye
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Re: My Abuser.....
Reply #5 - Mar 12th, 2004 at 9:59am
 
Dear Ginabella,

I too spent many years in denial.  Thankfully I had told Jill about my brothers when I was 10 so that every once in a while she suggested that could be the reason for my lifestyle.  It finally sunk in properly after I was married. 

One thing I want to say is this...OVERPREPARE for confrontation.  Read books to find the most negative responses possible & prepare your response for that.  Never confront without a tape recorder &/or witnesses.  The witnesses also need to be OVERPREPARED.  When I was leading up to my confrontation a lady who had confronted her abuser gave me the same advice.  I thought she was going overboard because, after all - this was my brothers & they really did care, didn't they??  I found out the opposite & to this day I have regrets about the way my brothers & the 2 preachers  just magnified my burden a hundred fold.  Even now I picture myself tackling/punching/kicking those mongrels for the way they turned everything back on me.  The preacher even praised my brothers for driving so far (we had driven further & had to sacrifice pay, not to mention the personal heartache to be there..but no mention for us) to sort this out.  I nearly ran out then.  I did try to leave but was coerced back in there by one of the preachers. 

I also fret about my nieces & at this very time am trying to get the strength to report my brothers.  There has to be a way to let those precious children know what they really did.  Our nieces & nephews have been told nothing of what the real story is of why we cut contact & shifted so far away.

Good luck Ginabella & keep us posted. 

Love you, Kaye. xoxoxo
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