Bearing Through It
   
  HomeHelpSearchLoginRegister  
 
Page Index Toggle Pages: 1
Send Topic Print
being "The Favorite"   (trigger) (Read 2101 times)
nomore
Care Bear
****
Offline


Bearing through it!

Posts: 879
MA
Gender: female
being "The Favorite"   (trigger)
Mar 5th, 2004 at 10:37am
 
What it has meant to be "the favorite":

My mother has told me over and over again during my life that I'm my father's "favorite" child.  This is something I now wish I could go back and change, but I can't.  I was the child that would sit on my father's lap at midnight or later trying to get him to stay home, not go out and drive drunk.  He'd yell night after night he's going out, waking everyone in the house.  Everyone else seemed to be able to blow him off, but I couldn't.  My mother would tell him go ahead and go out and kill himself.  When I heard that, I took on the job of preventing that.  She'd threaten divorce, and I'd try harder to keep them together.  Every social event we went to, every holiday, my father was the drunk, the one who stood out.  They'd be a scene, my mother trying to get him to stop drinking, him refusing.  I felt every bit of his shame and dreaded going anywhere, knowing how it would end.

I had HUGE jobs for a kid.  I heard my mother screaming, no, no, no, on and on, night after night while he raped her.  He wouldn't stop.  He began coming in my room at some point.  I have no idea how old I was.  I can remember fighting him off, him kissing my neck with sharp whiskers, booze on his breath.  He wouldn't stop for me, either.  I have blocked what happened from there.  I know from pieces, but can't see details.  I used to love horses, drawing them, collecting them.  He used to give me gifts of horses whenever he'd travel.  He would hurt me one minute, bribe me the next, he'd love me, hurt me, on and on.  Sometimes I wish my mother would follow through on her threats and divorce him.  She would hate him when he drank, so we'd all hate him.  She'd go back into denial the next day, love him again, so we all had to love him again.  My emotions were turned inside out, destroying me bit by bit.  I esaped through the television, imagining myself part of the "normal" families on TV.  I used to scratch my skin off my wrists and arms until I'd bleed.  I shoplifted, then I started drinking (22 years worth). 

When my sisters got married, he stayed sober.  When "his favorite" got married, he got drunk.  The hairdresser was at the house getting us ready.  One minute he was fine, and the next time I saw him, he was legless with the s**t-eating grin.  He walked me down the aisle like that. 

I have lived in denial for most of my life.  While I drank, it stayed down.  After being sober, I started getting "bad feelings" when he was near my kids.  I felt really uncomfortable when my daughter sat on his lap.  I think the kid in me was ready to jump out and yell, Don't do that!  I have learned a very hard and painful lesson.  My denial and inability to see what he did to me led to my leaving my children with my mother to babysit with him there.  I made a mistake.  My daughter told me that he tickled her on her vagina.  My mother apparently saw it, because she hasn't to this day denied it.  I stopped calling and going there.  One day, a Hepa air filter appeared on my back steps.  Another gift, like the horses.  He kept calling me on the phone.  He wouldn't let me avoid it.  I finally got the courage to call him and confront him.  He didn't deny it.  I also said, You abused me, too, and he didn't deny that, either.  He said he was drunk, it was a long time ago, blah blah.  My mother told me she'd never allow the girls to be alone in a room with him again.  A few years passed, and recently my mother let my daughter be alone in a room with him.  He tried to pull the back of my daughter's jeans out away from her body to look down her pants.  She went downstairs immediately and told my mother she wanted to leave, which they did.  My daughter told me about it right away, her eyes cast down with that look of shame and feeling gross.  She then told me that he used to tickle her on her vagina when she was younger.

I am SO sorry that I ever brought them anywhere near this guy.  I feel guilt and regret.  I wish I could take it all back.  My wanting to forgive him (or deny) was a big mistake.  I have STILL been struggling with denial.  I have been warped and manipulated and abused.  I need to be here so there is no chance of me going back into denial.  My anger is overpowering.  When I confronted him by letter, I wasn't angry enough!  I can't go near this man.  My daughters will never go near him, and they don't want to. 

Janet

Back to top
 
ljmcmljmcm  
IP Logged
 
Yolande
Super Bear
*****
Offline


Bearing through it!

Posts: 1012
Gender: female
Re: being "The Favorite"   (trigger)
Reply #1 - Mar 5th, 2004 at 6:58pm
 
Dear Janet,

I can feel your pain, through your letter.  I am so sorry for what you have been through.  

As for your letter to him - do another one - and more until you get rid of some of that (well-deserved) anger.

For your daughters - you have been a wonderful mother - better than most of us on here have, and that's an understatement.  Those little girls of yours will always remember that you believed them and then protected them.  They will also one day understand that it was only through denial that you allowed them to be in his presence.  Maybe it would be good for them (if you haven't done this) to write a bomb letter to him about touching your daughters - for your therapy and theirs.  Let them read it, too.  A teacher fondled me for months at school, and when I told my normally useless, and unprotective mother (see Kaye's story), she wrote a letter to him, which I got to hand to him.  Because of this, I never wore the blame of what he did to me, nor did it affect me like it could have.  I went from teacher's pet (he'd even organised to have me put up a grade!), to having all his fury directed at me for the rest of the year - what a relief!!  He used to fondle a few of us in the class, and he stopped with all of us!!  

Your childhood was horrific, Janet, and my heart goes out to you - you must sure have such a heavy heart.  But you are dealing with it, have stopped being in denial, and are a good mother, and ultimately, you will come through this with better days ahead.  In the meantime, we are here for you.

Hugs,

Jill

Back to top
 

YolandeJ
9964  
IP Logged
 
tinygirlchild
Share Bear
***
Offline


I Corinthians 13

Posts: 457
florida
Gender: female
Re: being "The Favorite"   (trigger)
Reply #2 - Mar 6th, 2004 at 10:41am
 
oh janet, my heart reaches out for yours!  so much pain, so much anger, so much regret!  what a horrific time you've had.

jill's words are very wise.  you sobered up and realized and then took the necessary steps to protect your daughters.  that's more than most of our mothers ever did for the rest of us.  i can't express how important that is!

how sad that he is still a monster . . . and that your mother still enables him, in whatever ways.  she has yet to learn that relaxing vigilence with a predator is always an opportunity for them to abuse again . . . and they will take every opportunity.

that's what happened in our home.  our mother caught our father in the act of fondling my sister's breasts when she was 12.  she told him if she ever caught him doing that again, she'd divorce him.  she told me later that she thought he was an intelligent man, and that was the end of it.  right!  my sister was fondled and raped for eleven years, and after she left home, he tried with me.  when i told my mother 4 years after his attempts, she told him again that she'd divorce him if he ever repeated it.  great.  talk about denial.

my sister and i had only sons (5 between us).  our brothers, however, had daughters (4).  once we began really working on our issues, my sister and i went to our mother and expressed our fears for our nieces.  she agreed to never allow alone-time w/their grandfather.  i pray she was finally true to her word.  i may never know, as our nieces have no contact with us.  i can hope he never assaulted them, as all of them live some distance from their grandparents, and visit rarely.  they are also all adults now.

you have shown such courage and strength in confronting your parents about their dysfunctional roles in your life, and the lives of your daughters.  you have every reason to be proud.  you have stood for your daughters' safety and have shown them the depth of your love and your protection.  that will make a much deeper impact on their hearts than your father's drunken, fumbling intrusions.  yes, they'll remember what he did.  they will also remember your belief in them and your support of them as one of the greatest gifts they could ever have received.

here for you,

ticia
Back to top
 

Work like you don't need the money. &&Love like you've never been hurt. &&Dance like nobody's watching. &&Sing like nobody's listening. &&Live like it's Heaven on Earth. &&&&Anonymous&&
stardancer383  
IP Logged
 
Kaye
Ex Member


Re: being "The Favorite"   (trigger)
Reply #3 - Mar 6th, 2004 at 5:40pm
 
Dear Janet,

Thankyou for the courage to share more of your story with us.  My life has changed since finding the board & I hope you feel the same way.

I was so perturbed when Warrior thought she must be a monster after watching the movie called that.  It has finally sunk in why - the ones who 'cause us to lose control are the MONSTERS...as Ticia calls your father.  It makes my blood boil when I see pedophiles being led from the courtroom with bullet proof vests when the ones who should be able to shoot them are more often than not already dead or had their lives destroyed.

When you were telling us about the drunkenness & rapes, I had all the same feelings I had as a child.  We were dragged out of bed in the middle of the night to find Mum or convince her to unlock the toilet door.  We had to hear the sick bedroom life of our parents.  The suicide threats.  Dad singled me out as the favourite & I hated every minute of it as well.  I never trusted him ever even though he never got far - that I can remember.  Mum ran him down every minute of the day to us girls so it probably saved me in some ways.  As a little girl I can remember him looking at me with bedroom eyes.    

The way you reacted to your abuse is comparable to the severity of your abuse.  I drank socially (to write myself off) as a blocking out tool from my brothers abuse.  My Mum blamed me for the abuse & then ran me down about partying/drinking & yet she is 69 soon & a closet alcoholic from when we were little kids to this day.  

I am so glad that your daughters have a Mum who won't minimize their pain later on.  You are no longer in denial & that's the main thing.  GO ON & WRITE YOUR LETTERS!

Love, Kaye. xo
Back to top
 
 
IP Logged
 
nomore
Care Bear
****
Offline


Bearing through it!

Posts: 879
MA
Gender: female
Re: being "The Favorite"   (trigger)
Reply #4 - Mar 7th, 2004 at 10:47am
 
Thanks, Everyone, for your replies.  Ticia, I needed to see your words about relaxing vigilance with a predator.  That is something I have to keep right up front in my mind.  You're absolutely right.  It doesn't matter how old someone is, how much you want to believe that a person wouldn't and couldn't do such things.  We're not talking about people like you and me.  I will never understand this sickness.  I know it will never end as long as he lives, and it is up to me to keep my children safe. 

Today I'm feeling anger towards my mother for choosing him over all of her children and now grandchildren.  She should have taken us all as far as possible away from him.  She used to like to tell us that she put us first -- bull.  She used to tell me to put your husband first, because your kids will grow up and leave, and then it will be just you and your husband -- bull.  I divorced my first husband when he refused to stop drinking.  My kids were NOT going to live like I did.  I've done everything the opposite of my mother, and I'm breaking free of all the sickness and crap.

Thank you, all, for being here!  I need you to keep myself healthy and denial free.

Janet
Back to top
 
ljmcmljmcm  
IP Logged
 
Page Index Toggle Pages: 1
Send Topic Print


Bearing Through It HomePage