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NO PICTURES!! here's why....(strong stuff/trigger) (Read 4334 times)
malesurvivor
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NO PICTURES!! here's why....(strong stuff/trigger)
Mar 1st, 2004 at 4:46pm
 
I am using a borrwed computer, so I don't know when I will have to get off it, so forgive me if the details aren't all there.

Somewhere, there are pics of a boy at about 8 years old. he is sitting on a couch, and you can see by his face that he is NOT happy, he is sad and angry and confused......

His pants are down.
He has an erection.
He is being told to look at the camera.
How do I know what he is being told?
He is malesurvivor.

Later, I remebered those pics, at least in 1 part of my mind, and I found them on the title page of a site on the internet.....
Posession of those pictures of ME it was ME what right did he have to take them??and POST them?? possesion of those pics. sent me to prison for a 2.5 year sentence.

I am ashamed for ever having them, for letting myself be photographed..... when I was about 12, I would take pictures of my genitals.......why? no reason, if anyone had asked......but no-one did.
I have not willingly had my picture taken for almost 9 years, and would fight it before then...... I also have a hard time looking at pictures of other people, because they always look better than I....
I don't want to be this way. I would like to be able to have pictures of good times, but I cannot be in them...

I must go now, my friend is coming back.
Please don't hate me.
~~malesurvivor.
P.S., for those of you who wanted pics of me, this is why I could NEVER post them on the net. Maybe, one day, snail-mail?
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Sitting, silently, thinking and screaming for freedom from this constant insanity, the endless solitary confinement.&&Yet I walk alone, and survive. &&Always alone, and always surviving.
 
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Yolande
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Re: NO PICTURES!! here's why....(strong stuff/trig
Reply #1 - Mar 1st, 2004 at 6:01pm
 
AAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH, Matt, I am SOOO ANGRY!!!  What a MONSTER to do that to you.  And why and how did you end up the one in prison over that - they should have put HIM in prison, and given you kindness and understanding.  What a poxed-up set-up.  Please excuse my expressions, but I am so angry.

And don't worry about the photo, Matt - I can picture you in my head - great sense of humour, shattered little boy inside that is going to one day become the big strong man he grew into, I think you said you had long hair and a beard, size 14 steel caps, a caring heart, a gentle soul, a tough exterior, a protective brother.  All in all a wonderful man.  Whatever you look like on the outside - it makes no difference to us - what you look like in your heart is what counts.

In comfort & protectiveness,

Jill

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lily
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Re: NO PICTURES!! here's why....(strong stuff/trig
Reply #2 - Mar 1st, 2004 at 6:14pm
 
Malesurvivor,

Oh my goodness!  I can't believe you had to go through all of that.  Sadly, there may still be pictures of me out there as well.  My abuser/s were in child porn.  "nuff said.

I could NEVER hate you for the pictures.  It was not your fault.  NO matter what!!  8-12, you were a CHILD.  You can NOT be blamed for what happened to you.  You can not be blamed for acting out the way a child would.  Shame on the man who posted them and put the blame on you.  I just can't believe how cold some people can be.  I am so sorry what you went through. 


Still here with and for you,

Lily
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tinygirlchild
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Re: NO PICTURES!! here's why....(strong stuff/trig
Reply #3 - Mar 1st, 2004 at 10:13pm
 
my friend,

i can only echo what jill and lily said.  i am so angry FOR you!  what a disgusting, horrible, hateful thing to do to you!!!

malesurvivor, i don't need a pic of you to care about you.  i have you already in my mind and nestled safely within my heart.

i, too, have difficulty with pic's, but once in a while, someone gets a good one w/out my knowing.  there is only one right now i choose to show . . . i don't tend to photograph well . . . my driver's license looks just like 'tootsie' -- no kidding, dustin hoffman in drag!!  no!  don't laugh!  oh, okay, go ahead!!  it's really true, to my unending chagrin.

if and when you are ever ready, i'm certain that your soul will shine thru' as beautiful as it does here, and i would be honored to see your picture (snail mail is just fine) . . . better yet, to meet you 3d.

never hating . . . always loving,

ticia
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Work like you don't need the money. &&Love like you've never been hurt. &&Dance like nobody's watching. &&Sing like nobody's listening. &&Live like it's Heaven on Earth. &&&&Anonymous&&
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Kaye
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Re: NO PICTURES!! here's why....(strong stuff/trig
Reply #4 - Mar 2nd, 2004 at 2:17am
 
Malesurvivor,

It was not your fault.  I can't believe this is the story that you said you would tell us one day.  I thought it was something like an adult masturbating in public & even then I felt so protective of you because of the stuff you had endured.  This story is just an example of what lies can do & the damage they cause.  I cannot believe you went to jail for that.  Were you blamed for posting pictures of yourself on the Net?  They obviously didn't look at the face or age too much.  How sickening.

When you are ready I would like a pic in snail mail but only because you are family now & I want you in my big frame with everyone from here who wants to contribute.  Hope that doesn't sound selfish in light of what you posted.  Maybe you could send me a picture of your steel-capped boots instead!!

Kaye.
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malesurvivor
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Re: NO PICTURES!! here's why....(strong stuff/trig
Reply #5 - Mar 2nd, 2004 at 11:31am
 
Thank you Jillsister & Lillyfriend & Ticiamom & Kayesister
(that is how I "hear" your names in my head.)
I also want to thank Warrior_redbird, because seeing her post on why she went to prison gave me the courage boost I needed to post my story. I had wanted to tell someone for awhile now, but could not find the strength till now. Thanks, Warrior.
Lilly, I'm sorry you went through that, also.

Reading your 4 posts brought tears of gratitude to my eyes.
I'm glad you are here.
~~malesurvivor

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Sitting, silently, thinking and screaming for freedom from this constant insanity, the endless solitary confinement.&&Yet I walk alone, and survive. &&Always alone, and always surviving.
 
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Robin033
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Re: NO PICTURES!! here's why....(strong stuff/trig
Reply #6 - Mar 2nd, 2004 at 7:22pm
 
Matt,

I'm sooo sorry! I want to say something to you, something comforting, but I don't know what to say.  I read your post and I feel sooo much saddness and yet I don't know what to say.  I totally understand how you are feeling regarding pictures, and I would never hate you!!  I guess to me, pictures (and how someone looks) is not what makes a person.  It's your loving soul, the comfort, the support and wisdom you share with us, is what makes you who you are.  We love and care for you just for being you.  And I, for one, don't want or expect anything more or less from you.  Just be yourself, pictures don't make who you are.  Smiley

Traveling together,
Robin
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warrior_redbird
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Re: NO PICTURES!! here's why....(strong stuff/trig
Reply #7 - Mar 2nd, 2004 at 8:17pm
 
  my sweet gentle man;
     I see you in my head and i see you big and strong....I'm sooo sorry you had to endure that. That must have been very traumatic for you. But that does not define the MAN you are.  You have a gentle sttrength that is so strong and carries over into your compassion for others.
   We do not need physical pictures to see who we are, just as looking into a mirror does not mean we see who we are. we are only looking at a physical shell and what he did he did to the shell and not the man you are inside. A photo of you is only a photo of your outer self and it is the inner self i want to get to know and it is the inner self I already love.
  I love you and knowing this only makes me more enamoured of you. I thank you for your courage in posting and you have taken a giant step in your healing process!
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ginabella
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Re: NO PICTURES!! here's why....(strong stuff/trig
Reply #8 - Mar 10th, 2004 at 9:16pm
 
Malesurvivor,

I can understand.  It's OK.  I don';t think anyone hates you for your feelings on the subject of pictures.  It' is completely understandable why. 
Is there anyway you can sue the person for posting those pictures?  Maybe it would be too painful ofa process anyway..I don't know.  I'm so sorry that my post EVEN SUGGESTING the picture thing has upset you.  I honestly ment no harm. 
I also hate the way I look in pic's.  I rarely find a good one of me.  My face always looks lop-sided and so dam chubby!!  I used to be quite thin in highschool but have since put on 40 pounds and I'm not happy about it!!

Once again I am sorry that this subject has brought up painful memories for you....didn't mean to hurt you.

-ginabella
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With the time, comes the answer;&&With the knowledge comes the end.&&With the conclusion comes the sanity;&&Just a little bit too late.
 
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