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If only (Read 3936 times)
nomore
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Bearing through it!

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If only
Feb 25th, 2004 at 12:26pm
 
Hi, All,
I'm new here.  I feel really uncomfortable being here.  Sick feeling going again.  This may be disturbing to read.

If only we could see sickness on the outside, a lot of the conflict would go.  This man now looks old on the outside, kind of pitiful. In reality, he's not too old to still abuse.  I wrote a letter to him, set rules for him & let him know I will walk into the police station myself if he violates any rules.  I also told my mother what he did to me & my daughters.  She confronted him.  Now, he is giving her the silent treatment again for daring to stand up to him.  He is doing his own shopping, cooking, not speaking to her.  He puts her right back in her place, because she can't stand the silence.  He doesn't care.  Let everyone else carry the burden of his sins.  I'm done.  I won't.  Not my load to carry. 

Why couldn't I have been Kitten on Father Knows Best?  When I was a kid, I wanted that more than anything, peace, safety.

Nomore
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Cheryl
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Buckle up and Hang on!

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Re: If only
Reply #1 - Feb 25th, 2004 at 12:51pm
 
Nomore,

Welcome to the Bearing Through It Board.  I hope you find comfort and safety here.  Please post when you feel ready and comfortable to post.  Go easy on yourself and know that you are no longer alone.  We are here for you and won't judge.

Sounds like your ready to give up that extra baggage you've been hauling around.  You go for it!

Journeying with you,

~ Cheryl
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kjoy
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Do only that which honors
the soul.

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kentucky
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Re: If only
Reply #2 - Feb 25th, 2004 at 3:59pm
 
Welcome Nomore,

You have come to a wonderful place where you can feel free to share any and all of your feelings and experiences with us. I have found such a wonderful group of friends here and I hope you will too.

I understand so much about what you posted. I watched my father as he grew older and yet still was able to control and abuse us in one form or another till the day he died.

Again, Welcome..

                 Kathy
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Yolande
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Bearing through it!

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Re: If only
Reply #3 - Feb 25th, 2004 at 7:06pm
 
Welcome, Nomore,

I hope you find comfort and healing.  Good on you for having the strength to stand up to your abuser - that is such a major step - esp. in your head.

As for his 'silent treatment' - everyone should be giving him a wide berth!! 

Hugs,

Jill
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nomore
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Bearing through it!

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Re: If only
Reply #4 - Feb 25th, 2004 at 7:46pm
 
Thanks Everyone for your replies.  I am giving him a wide berth.  I have no idea what I want from here.  I've been in recovery for nine years.  I am trying to live the way I believe God wants me to, but when it comes to my father, I am at a real loss.  I sent him The Letter a few weeks ago, hadn't seen him or my mother since.  Then I saw him in the supermarket.  He looked so old, short of breath.  He's not in great health.  Who knows how much time he has left?   I know that whatever I do, I'm going to have to live with myself and whatever choices I make.  A few years back, he touched my daughter (now know it was daughters).  I avoided my parents for a month.  He sent me a gift -- just like old times (Don't want a gift, thank you).  I had a conversation with him finally when I couldn't stand it anymore.  He didn't deny touching my daughter or me.  I had hoped that was the end.  My mother knew about my daughter (not me until few weeks ago).  She apparently walked in and saw what happened.  She hasn't been in denial, which is a REAL change.  She told me they'd never be alone in a room with him again.  Time passed & we're back at this place again.  I didn't mean to write a novel here, but it's flowing.  I feel horrible, crying all the time, but I'm not going to die over this.  I am determined to live, no more self-destruction for me. 

I hate this crap.  I hate feeling like "the bad guy".  I'm not.  I know my mother is going to stay with him, no question.  Every choice that I've made in my life has been so I wouldn't live her life or my childhood over again. 

Sorry for rambling.

Nomore (Janet, actually)
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ginabella
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Trying to love myself!

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Re: If only
Reply #5 - Feb 25th, 2004 at 8:14pm
 
Janet,

Welcome to the board!  Please do not think you are "writing a novel" or rambing.  Have you read any of our stories or other posts?  I know some of mine can be quite long.
This is a wonderful place to vent your true feelings.  You will find tons of safety, support, love and hugs!
DO NOT FEEL GUILTY OR LIKE "THE BAD GUY"!!!  you are far from it.  This man has betrayed your trust over and over.
And by the way, it's wonderful that you wrote him a letter!  I just wrote my first letter confronting my mom about my abuse at the hands of my brother but I havent' sent it yet...so..you have much more courage than I!

Please, feel comfortable and free to speak your mind here...we wil all listen.

-much love and luck
-ginabella
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With the time, comes the answer;&&With the knowledge comes the end.&&With the conclusion comes the sanity;&&Just a little bit too late.
 
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tinygirlchild
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Re: If only
Reply #6 - Feb 27th, 2004 at 9:06pm
 
welcome, janet!

i echo the others' sentiments in telling you that you have found a truly safe and nonjudgmental place with us.  all who are here have open arms (if you enjoy safe hugs), and hearts.

i, too, know what you mean about seeing your abuser grow older and frail.  my father just turned 81 and is definitely on the down-slope of life.  it's sometimes hard even for me to imagine that he was also the monster that i feared so much (and even more so, my sister).

and our mother was 'queen of the silent treatment.'  she was awarded 'the most dysfunctional person i've ever met' by my b-i-l, a 20-yr veteran psychological therapist.  gee, thanks for the honors.  not.

atta girl.  it's ISN'T your burden to bear, and you may lay it down whenever you choose to.

i think most of us here would readily trade our pasts for that of kitten (or bud, for our male members, malesurvivor and arn).  i remember watching that show and others like 'leave it to beaver' and thinking . . . 'that's not reality!  i live reality!'  sucks, doesn't it?

take your time.  read our posts as you're ready.  get to know us.  i don't think you'll be disappointed. 

welcome,

ticia
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Work like you don't need the money. &&Love like you've never been hurt. &&Dance like nobody's watching. &&Sing like nobody's listening. &&Live like it's Heaven on Earth. &&&&Anonymous&&
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malesurvivor
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Re: If only
Reply #7 - Mar 1st, 2004 at 12:56pm
 
NoMore/Janet -
  YOU ARE NOT THE "BAD GUY"!!
You have shown amazing strength coming here, and I welcome you. Good for you, Janet, in standing up to him!

Again, Welcome.
~~malesurvivor
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Sitting, silently, thinking and screaming for freedom from this constant insanity, the endless solitary confinement.&&Yet I walk alone, and survive. &&Always alone, and always surviving.
 
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