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  " Monster" (Read 4389 times)
warrior_redbird
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Deep inside this armour,
the warrior is a child..

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  " Monster"
Feb 24th, 2004 at 6:39pm
 
  Don't go see that movie if you have trauma issues!!
   I thought I had dealt with some of my issues that this movie brought up. It's about this woman who grew up to be a prostitute and who turned into a murderer. This movie parrelled my life so closely it knocked the wind out of my lungs. She, just like me was abuses as a child, and just like me was tossed out of her home at the age of 13. I became a prostitute ( like her) and that was the only way i knew how to survive.  I was pregnant from my father when i left at 13 and this man got me an abortion who later turned out to be a pimp, as they were called in those days. I stole, and begged and prostituted my way through life using drugs to numb the pain and obliterate the shame.
later in my adult life I was deep into drugs and always carried a gun , since i had been beaten and raped so many times during the prostitutions i was involved in. One time it happened, I just snapped. i was high, which is certainly no excuse, but i did it. I killed three people. It was cold blooded, and i was cold blooded. I took their money and car and left them laying where i had shot them in the head. It was a different time in my life. I had been hurt so many times. I was still young. This was in the early eighties. I left them and continued on my way and nothing changed. i was so hardened and so dead inside. i continued to use drugs and do the same things i had been doing untill I finally got caught. After a long prson term I got out and went right back to the drugs and continued my cycle of self abuse, which ensued more raped and assaults, more trauma until i finally was nearly dead and so soul sick I sought help.
  Three years later here I am and I have been sober now almost three years( May) and have been in therapy three years. i'm still on parole for that crime. I report three times each month and have been for so many years i've lost count. But i'm changing, yet still I'm not well. This movie brought all of those flash backs vividly back into focus for me. if they called her a Monster then how am i any different? Our lives were nearly idenitcal. We both fell through the cracks, except i finally got treatment and i am changing. The more of the abuse & details i spit out to my therapist, the softer i become and i am losing that hardness slowly, but this movie hurt me and made me remember that this stuff is still inside of me and this is who i was. Does this make me who i am?
   can you all be my friends knowing this awful secret about me? Can you still find it in your heart to love me?
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tinygirlchild
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Re:    " Monster"
Reply #1 - Feb 25th, 2004 at 4:59am
 
((((((((((((((((((((warrior))))))))))))))))))))

always, my friend, always here and always loving you.

i knew when i saw the ads for the movie, that there was a deep and horrible history for this woman . . . that there must be valid reason for what she'd become.

you are truly a warrior, as you have worked so hard to overcome all the type(s)/incidents of abuse/nightmare/horror (all the words are too tame) that cause reactions like hers and yours.

yes, the past dwells inside us for all time, and is a reason for the who we become, but is not the only one.  nor are we static individuals at any point in our lives (thank God!).  when we are blessed with either wisdom or desperation (who cares which), we take that, mix it with all the rest, seek help, and GROW!

i am so proud of you!  don't ever give up!  the softening of our souls is one of the best parts.

honey, i'm also sending you a pm.

tons & tons of safe love & hugs,

ticia
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Work like you don't need the money. &&Love like you've never been hurt. &&Dance like nobody's watching. &&Sing like nobody's listening. &&Live like it's Heaven on Earth. &&&&Anonymous&&
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Cheryl
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Re:    " Monster"
Reply #2 - Feb 25th, 2004 at 10:41am
 
((((Warrior)))),

I don't judge you sweets and I'm still here for you.  Always.

SAFE love and hugs,

cheryl
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warrior_redbird
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Re:    " Monster"
Reply #3 - Feb 25th, 2004 at 1:36pm
 
all i can say is thank you.....
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kjoy
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Re:    " Monster"
Reply #4 - Feb 25th, 2004 at 3:53pm
 
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Warrior,Redbird}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Okay so now I think maybe I should be like so many of the others and call you Warrior as well... I am sitting here in awe of your strength and your courage, both in surviving the h*ll that you have endured and for having the courage to tell us about it here. I also am humbled by the amount of faith you put in us to share your life so completely with us. You have always given me such wonderful advice and I have wondered how you became so knowlegeable about what to say when I needed to hear things straight. Now I know. With all that you have struggled through you have gained a wealth of compassion and love for us all and you are using your past to help us in dealing with ours. That is a good thing and I applaud you. Thank you so much for believing in us enough to share you... I feel no judgement here,  I still love you and admire you greatly.

                                           Take care of yourself always,


                                                                     Kathy
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malesurvivor
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Re:    " Monster"
Reply #5 - Mar 1st, 2004 at 12:40pm
 
warrior-
Yes, I can still be your friend. I have done many, many things I regret also, and I know how you feel being on parole. I was on parole for awhile myself, and am currently on probation. The important thing to remeber, I think, is that you cannot change the past, only the future. You are still welcome in my home.

~~malesurvivor
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Sitting, silently, thinking and screaming for freedom from this constant insanity, the endless solitary confinement.&&Yet I walk alone, and survive. &&Always alone, and always surviving.
 
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Kaye
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Re:    " Monster"
Reply #6 - Mar 2nd, 2004 at 2:37am
 
I have been avoiding this post because of the heading.  I knew you had triggered badly regarding the movie.  It is no wonder.  Was this based on a true story?  Why did they call it monster considering her background?  When you describe your past I am right there killing all those people who hurt you, in my head.  I can't believe you lasted as long as you did before you cracked.  You are most definitely not a monster, dear WARRIOR.  We all take our hats off to you for the progress you have made.  It is just so sad for all those still out there trapped in the cycle - they don't have any comforting words to help them realise everyone matters & is worthwhile.  I watched a show last night of a lady who was a hardened criminal & is now rehabilitating women who are still inside.  It is so good for us to see the other side.  Thankyou for sharing your story with us.  You are just amazing.  Remember, that is who you were because of circumstances beyond your control.  None of us should be judged for bad choices made in the name of survival.  No-one is ever more sorry than the person who has learned harmful coping mechanisms.  It is the heartless people who hurt you in the first place who should be truly sorry but usually go on to act normal & hide their dirty secrets. 

I hope you're OK now.
Hugs, Kaye.
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malesurvivor
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Grizzlies Rule.

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Re:    " Monster"
Reply #7 - Mar 2nd, 2004 at 11:34am
 
Just wanted to say thank you for having the courage to post. your courage helped me to post more of my story (see "NO PICTURES") and I thank you.
I am sorry you went through that.

~~malesurvivor
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Sitting, silently, thinking and screaming for freedom from this constant insanity, the endless solitary confinement.&&Yet I walk alone, and survive. &&Always alone, and always surviving.
 
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Yolande
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Re:    " Monster"
Reply #8 - Mar 2nd, 2004 at 7:06pm
 
Dear Warrior,

Just reading what has happened to you is trauma enough - and the more I get to know you, the more I stand in awe.  YOU were never a monster, but what was done to you, was the monster, and the people who did those things.  Esp. your father, where it all started.  To be pregnant to your own father at an age where you should have still just been a little girl - my heart aches for you.  That is just beyond bearable in any way.  Wish someone could have saved you from that. 

You are one amazing woman, and your care and compassion for others is outstanding.  You are way more 'human/real' in a good way, than lots of others who haven't been through anything tough. 

Hugs,

Jill
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YolandeJ
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