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Mothers . . . (Read 4163 times)
childofgrace
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Bearing through it!

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Mothers . . .
Feb 24th, 2004 at 4:14pm
 
Is there any such thing as a mother who truly loves her kids and has children who grow up to WANT to be with her?  Do you know any mothers who were truly healthy and who actually helped their kids grow up to be the people they were meant to be? 

Sometimes when I look at my own mother and my mother-in-law I get cynical.  And I wonder why I had kids.  And I wonder if I can raise them and actually have them WANT to be around me when they are older.

I wonder if I can avoid trying to destroy them like my mother tried to destroy me.

I wish I had a mom . . . Embarrassed
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ginabella
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Re: Mothers . . .
Reply #1 - Feb 24th, 2004 at 4:47pm
 
Oh honey...

It's OK.  You need great big "bear" hugs!!!!!!!!
I often wonder the same thing.  Sean and I talk about having kids one day and for the longest time I was completely against it cuz I didn't want to be responsable for messing up anyone's lives the way I have.
But I'm finding that as I'm getting a little older, I'm starting to kinda get those "baby pangs" (it's really scary!)  Not that I'm gonna have one any day soon..at least for 10 years, i think
Anyway, the way I feel about my mom is mixed.  I like her, to hang out with as a friend or something..but when it comes to deep issues..forget it.  She led such a sheltered life growing up that she has no idea of my pain, tho she knows I'm on meds and go to therapy.  I liook at things she does and I just cringe at the thought of being like her.
I wouldn't worry about how your kids see you.  I know it seem horrible to say, but since you have had a tramatic childhood, (and since you are doing something about it) you will be a wonderful mother.  You have probably learned from everyone elses mistakes that were made on you.  You will have the sensitivity and love that others don't!

-much love and luck
-ginabella
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With the time, comes the answer;&&With the knowledge comes the end.&&With the conclusion comes the sanity;&&Just a little bit too late.
 
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Yolande
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Re: Mothers . . .
Reply #2 - Feb 24th, 2004 at 8:09pm
 
Dear Childofgrace,

I worried so badly about marrying and having children, because I never wanted a marriage like my parents, and never wanted to be the kind of parents they were, never wanted my kids to feel the way I had felt.

Now, with my husband and I at age 39, our childrens' ages are: 17, 12, 8, 6 & 3 yesterday!!!  I know that I am not a perfect mum, but I know that my children see me as one of their best friends, they talk to me about their feelings, their problems (if any), and also have fun with me.  I treat them with respect, love and awareness - not just turning a blind eye to how they may be feeling.  So, I did it!!!  Broke the abuse chain.  

Also, my sister, Kaye is a wonderful mother - and if you spent 5 minutes with her little boy, you would see the evidence!!!  

Most of my friends are survivors of s/abuse (2 of them, from their fathers, long term) and they have become really wonderful mothers, giving their children a stable, loving home.  

Some women who aren't survivors fall apart over every little thing, don't care about their children, and therefore give their children rotten lives - YOU will be aware that children DO remember painful childhoods, and KNOW and feel the pain of bad parenting, so will be so much more aware and caring.

Like Melinda said on one post - lots of us who've been through bad childhoods become the BEST mothers - because we want better for our children, and we WANT to be close to our children, etc.  (Words to that effect.)  

Hugs,

Jill
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Robin033
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Re: Mothers . . .
Reply #3 - Feb 25th, 2004 at 8:14am
 
Childofgrace,

I just typed a VERY long post to you and it was lost..(no I didn't type it in wordpad first, like I usually do) but, I will try and retype the basics of it. 

I understand your worries of someday being a mother.  The mother I had growing up with was my step-mother.  There was a LOT of physical and mental abuse and she caused me a lot of tears and blood shed.  Where she's concerned, I was basicly the one singled out from my other sibblings.  By the time I was 20, I left my first husband and my first two children.  My children at the time were 2 and under a year old.  I left me children out of fear of abusing them.  At that time I had so much anger build up inside of me and I would lash out at anyone and I would become abusive.  Although, I never lashed out at my children, I felt that I could not be the mother that my children needed or deserved.  With the fear of abusing them, I felt it would be in their best intrest for me to leave them with their father.  Today I am with my third husband and I have a child from my second marriage who continues to live with me.  When my third child was around 2 1/2 years old, I began to loose my temper with her and I did something to her that I am soo ashamed of.  (And I have never spoke to anyone about this, other than my therapist.) I was losing my temper with her and I picked her up and roughly sat her on the couch and I began to scream and yell at her and cuss at her.  During the time I was doing this, I had a major flashback of my step-mother and I yelled.."My GOD...I've turn out just like HER!!"  I went into my bedroom and cried for a very long time.  That was the last thing I every wanted to do, to turn into my step-mother and it really scared me.  After a while I came back out of the bedroom and picked my daughter up and hugged and held her for a long time.  I told her how sorry I was and promised her that it would never happen again and I told her how much I loved her.  That was the first day that I decided that I needed help to deal with my anger and my past abuse.  That was also the first and LAST time I had every lost my temper with my daughter.  Today my daughter is going to be 11 next month and her and I are very close.  She tells others that Mommy is her best friend.  As for my first two children, they are now 16 and 14.  Throughout these years I have always stayed in close contact with them, although I live many miles away.  I have always let them know who their Mommy is and have always told them how much I love and miss having them with me.  I see them twice a year when I go back home to visit with them on both of their birthdays.  Today, ALL of my children know how much I care and love them and they all come to me when they are having problems or upset with something.  (But of course, all of thier lives, I have always told my children that I am always here for them anytime they need me or just someone to talk to.)  I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world. 

I guess my point is this... it is up to US to continue the cycle of abuse or to STOP the cycle.  I chose to stop the cycle and I can't say that it has been easy for me, because it hasn't.  But, now I am very careful and I take cautions when I get upset with my children.  I no longer allow my anger to get out of my control.  I now recieve so many compliments on how I'm bringing my daughter up and on the close relationship I have with her.  Don't worry so much about the kind of mother you will be.  You KNOW what pain feels like, and I know you will not conflict pain upon you own children.  The reason I know this is because you have a very kind and loving heart.  It takes and cruel heart of stone to conflict pain upon another human, and this I know is NOT you.  Someday, you will make a very wonderful, caring and loving mother and your child will be very happy to have you as their mother.

Traveling together,
Robin
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Cheryl
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Re: Mothers . . .
Reply #4 - Feb 25th, 2004 at 10:39am
 
Childofgrace,

I hear a lot of sadness in your words.

I wonder this often.  Sometimes I look at my mom and I think how close we once were and after my abuse (even though she didn't know about it) I shut down and shut her out and everyone else.  Now I have issues trying to be close with her.  I look at my mother in law and she is such a strong person, sometimes I wish she were my mom.

As for loving my children.  I love them more than anyone else.  If it wasn't for them I truely believe I wouldn't be here today.  I do the best I can and know I will make mistakes with them but I try not to repeat the mistakes my mom made with me.  I talk to them about sexual abuse, about their bodies, about drugs and alcohol.  I want them to know they can come to me and I will not go crazy on them.  I pray for them all the time.  Time will tell...

Cheryl
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tinygirlchild
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Re: Mothers . . .
Reply #5 - Feb 25th, 2004 at 9:04pm
 
oh, sweetheart!  my heart hears your cry and my arms long to enfold you!

the others have posted very wise and very true words for you to take hope from.  we who have been hurt so much will die before hurting others!  you will be the very best mother you can be . . . yes, you will make mistakes along the way . . . and you will apologize a lot over the years . . . but you will twist yourself inside out trying to make your children's lives the very best you can.  on this you can rest assured.

in the meantime, if you need a mom, will a virtual one do?  my heart has loads of room, especially as my youngest turns 18 & moves on this year . . . kaye, jill, and matt call me 'momma ticia' so you'd have lots of wonderful playmates (lol)!

hugging you safely and as long as you need,

ticia
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Work like you don't need the money. &&Love like you've never been hurt. &&Dance like nobody's watching. &&Sing like nobody's listening. &&Live like it's Heaven on Earth. &&&&Anonymous&&
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malesurvivor
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Re: Mothers . . .
Reply #6 - Mar 1st, 2004 at 12:51pm
 
Childofgrace-
As for what Ticia said, I second that emotion. Just Knowing she is my mom and not a "momster" has helped me a great deal.

~~malesurvivor
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Sitting, silently, thinking and screaming for freedom from this constant insanity, the endless solitary confinement.&&Yet I walk alone, and survive. &&Always alone, and always surviving.
 
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tinygirlchild
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Re: Mothers . . .
Reply #7 - Mar 1st, 2004 at 10:14pm
 
thank you, malesurvivor!  i am proud . . . and honored.

'momma ticia'
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Work like you don't need the money. &&Love like you've never been hurt. &&Dance like nobody's watching. &&Sing like nobody's listening. &&Live like it's Heaven on Earth. &&&&Anonymous&&
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