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To Lovethyself, (Read 4004 times)
kjoy
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To Lovethyself,
Feb 23rd, 2004 at 2:02pm
 
Nicole,

I just read your post in do you ever wonder. I had to reply.. You are in no way disgusting! What happened to you was not YOUR fault. And yes, your parents should have seen your cries for help! Do they ever see anything they don't want to see??? I too became addicted to sex at a early age, always wanting someone to touch me, to have sex with me and masturbating as well. When we are introduced to sexual feelings at such a young age, our minds and bodies cannot rationalize the why's as to how we feel, we just know that we need to feel that way again, and I for one, sought out that feeling in every relationship, or non-relationship I had. I thought sex and love were just two different words for the same thing and if someone didn't want to have sex with me, well than that meant they didn't love me. Took over thirty years to realize the truth in that theory. Over thirty years........ You are a loving, valuable person and nothing is discusting about you. Only disgust is in what was done to you and how people refused to see what was happening....

                                      If you want to email me, please feel free to do so, I will listen.... Take care of yourself Always....

                                                                  Kathy
              kjoyinri@hotmail.com
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Yolande
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Re: To Lovethyself,
Reply #1 - Feb 24th, 2004 at 12:38am
 
Well said, Kathy, and I back that up, Nichole.  You were taught that love=sex, and you would have also been very stressed - and so more likely to find that an outlet.  Don't feel bad.  It wasn't your fault, and someone should have been looking out for you, BEFORE anything happened, let alone when the effects were obvious.

Hugs from me,

Jill
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lovethyself
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Re: To Lovethyself,
Reply #2 - Feb 24th, 2004 at 1:30pm
 

SmileyThankyou for the validation, I want to believe so badly but the shame is severe, that I find it really hard to believe that it wasn't my fault I mean since seeing them wasn't forced on me I feel I was  partly to blame but I was so young..and I guess just because violence wasn't used against me the affects all around were just as damaging. So thankyou, I know that the first step is acceptance and self trust and I think my inner child is really trying to trust me right now. I have come to realize being with Peter that sex doesn't equal love but that I can't make love to Peter if I'm not connected to him emotioally you know what I mean..I'd be just this robot if I didn't feel the love and trust and safety there, i'ts all about taking careof yourself.Love Nichole
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kjoy
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Re: To Lovethyself,
Reply #3 - Feb 24th, 2004 at 6:49pm
 
I understand all about the shame and the blame Nicole. I was there too, and still am at times.. One day my sister told me to take a good look at a child who is at the age that I was when I was abused. And then to decide if that child could conciously make an informed decision on what happened. The same is true even as I was a teenager, with my warped sense of sexuality, even as I was the one who would come on to a grown man.. some in their 30's, 40's etc..... Who was in the wrong here? The adult who chose to abuse the trust of a teen and "go for it" knowing that I would not have been so promiscuious if everything was right in my world, or the teen who was so deperately searching for love that she made all the wrong turns in that attempt. There is one man I will always remember and care for from my teens. He was the one who told me that I was beautiful and desirable and to give him a call when I was an adult because he could not be with someone as young as I was. He said it in such a way that I still felt he cared, and respected me... That is what should have happened in those incidences growing up Even without the physical violence, it is still a violation of your youth for anyone to take advantage of you when you are not grown enough to make those choices for yourself. It is not your shame or blame to take on Nicole. Remember that... You may not have been forced physically, but in the mind of someone who has been taught that sex eqates to love, you sometimes feel you have no choice.... but to do whatever it takes to get that feeling of being loved, no matter how fleeting it can be, at least that is my case.... It is not your fault.....

                                Take care of yourself always,

                                                           Kathy
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tinygirlchild
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Re: To Lovethyself,
Reply #4 - Feb 25th, 2004 at 8:52pm
 
amen to kathy's words, especially, nicole!  most of us here have experienced the same promiscuous behavior and the same feelings of equating sex and love -- we get your guilt!

i always felt i must be such a wh*re, as i'd had sex w/so many men, and that's the rep that went around my high school, even tho' i hadn't had but 2 sexual bf's at that point -- i made up for that later, believe me.

today i accept that part of myself.  it isn't pretty, and i wouldn't admit it to most people who know me 3d, but it's directly related to what i was taught:  the price of being loved and accepted, the price of receiving simple affection . . . was the use of my body.  sucks, doesn't it?  i'm a lot farther along now, but that belief still creeps in.

i even tried something new in my marriages . . . cutting off sex and seeing if the love would stay.  "do you love me for ME, and not what my body can do for you?"  i never got a satisfactory answer.  i don't think there is one.

again, you were NOT at fault!!  you were CONDITIONED!!

safe hugs and unconditional love,

ticia
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Work like you don't need the money. &&Love like you've never been hurt. &&Dance like nobody's watching. &&Sing like nobody's listening. &&Live like it's Heaven on Earth. &&&&Anonymous&&
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lovethyself
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Re: To Lovethyself,
Reply #5 - Feb 27th, 2004 at 11:41am
 
Thankyou so much you have really validated the fact that even though physical vilonce wansn't a part of it, it was still violent.Make sense? because if you think about it a child does not have the where with all to know what is going on lreallly and it's her will , her destiny being stole from heror him..I think that when you said that tinygirlchild...that you don't think there will ever be a satisfactory answer when it comes to being given love without the access of our bodies...I believe that it can happen that the person you love and they love you unconditonally will love and care for you even if you can't make love or be accessable for their own pleasure. It's happened before and it's happening to me right now..I know that if I ever needed to ask Peter of that I trust him enough to know that he would still love and care for me and that he has always been the one to point out to me that sex isnt' the only way for us to be intimate..You see it can happen. I guess I just wanted to share that with you .Love Nichole
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kjoy
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Re: To Lovethyself,
Reply #6 - Feb 27th, 2004 at 1:04pm
 
Nicole,

I have a very special friend that I have had for 22 years now.  And I was in my 30's when he made me face that love and sex weren't the same thing. I was constantly wanting to make love to him, and one day he asked me to go home and write him a letter on why I felt we had to make love so much. Well four pages later I discovered that I felt if he didn't have sex with me that meant he didn't love me. Eye opener for sure!!!! Rick and I gave up on being lovers years and years ago, yet that love and friendship remain true to this day.
     And yes I understand totally when you say that it doesn't have to be physically violent to still be violence.. Sometimes I feel the emotional violence is more damaging than the physical is. Wounds worn on the outside heal a lot quicker than the wounds that have been inflicted upon us on the inside... Take care of yourself hon,

                                                                Kathy
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Re: To Lovethyself,
Reply #7 - Feb 27th, 2004 at 10:28pm
 
nichole,

thank you for your kind words.  as you can see, i'm still struggling with that particular issue . . . here's why, i think:

before i moved to florida i believed i'd found the love of my lifetime.  i'd never known love so perfect or so unselfish, either FROM another, or from myself TO another.  we planned to be together for life . . . to marry (would have been his 2nd & my 3rd -- post-therapy for both of us).

i was so in love that i thanked God each day for bringing me this joy and fulfillment, this wonderful man.  i felt the same radiating from him constantly and consistently.  everything seemed perfect . . .

. . . i mean really perfect.  he'd even accepted Christ as his Savior several months after we got together (i've been His for 39 years now, to the best of my ability).  never an argument or even a cross word.  constant, open communication about any- and everything.  a real meeting of minds and souls . . . that's what i believed, and i never saw an indicator that he didn't (trust me, i paid attention).

we'd begun a sexual relationship, but after he accepted the Lord, i felt guilt as the more mature Christian, and suggested that we cool the sexual side of our relationship (not related to my abuse in any way), until we married.  he happily agreed, and we continued on.

all really did seem perfect for us . . . save that he had this 'best friend.'  this friend was female . . . a stripper (who'd been abused badly herself, but had not sought healing) -- bleached-blond, silicone-implanted, fat-injected (no offense meant to anyone here if any of the preceeding descriptors apply) . . . harsh and cold and using and vulgar.  i accepted her as best i could, within limits, as she was everything i was not (in a very negative way).  i watched her go through man after man, using them for money or gifts, and discarding or being discarded quickly.

in the beginning she tried to continue making demands on my fiancee ("my implants leaked and i'm not well.  drive 20 miles to vacuum my floors/i don't know how to follow instructions on how to put this together.  come do it for me . . . ").  he set strong boundaries for the first 18 months, tho' trying to remain a friend and to help her to find the peace he saw in me.  i could understand that, and accepted this need as part of him, even helped where i could (and where she would allow, within reason).

to make a long story shorter . . . he ended up leaving me for her . . . for the sex.  great.  more reinforcement for the lessons we are all taught . . . what WAS our worth?  thanks for reminding me.  not.

it was the greatest pain i've ever known . . . bar none.  to have lived the dream, then to have it ripped away instantly (the change in 'us' was instantaneous -- the breakaway took 2 years).

i've spent more than 6 years recovering.  trying to KNOW that the lesson is still not true . . . that my worth IS more than sexual, no matter the evidence to the contrary.

today, i DO know my true worth.  i KNOW all of me.  what i question is the rest of the world and its perception.  that's what i mean when i say, 'no satisfactory answer.'  it's difficult to live in a sexually-oriented world, when i see souls before bodies, hearts before sexual 'usefulness,' and yet, so often, 'the world' does not.  we seem to live, sadly, in a world that perceives sex as power in so many ways.

yes, i know he (the ex) was/is flawed, emotionally, and that his choice had nothing to do with me.  yes, i'm really okay with who i am.  i just have this lovely little trust/cynicism issue . . .

my last hurdle?  i can only hope.

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Work like you don't need the money. &&Love like you've never been hurt. &&Dance like nobody's watching. &&Sing like nobody's listening. &&Live like it's Heaven on Earth. &&&&Anonymous&&
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Re: To Lovethyself,
Reply #8 - Feb 29th, 2004 at 7:43am
 
Dear Nichole,

I just want to back up everything everyone else says here.  I can get so angry & see that nothing was your fault.  Have just started working on the Courage To Heal Workbook & hoping to do the same for myself.

Love, Kaye. xx
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