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Multiple? rift in my mind..... (Read 2952 times)
malesurvivor
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Multiple? rift in my mind.....
Feb 20th, 2004 at 5:22pm
 
Jill recently asked me how I could talk to her via IM and post "part 4" of my pain at the same time. Well, I wanted to put it here cause I only want to say this once. Bear with me....

Jill was talking to the "MATTDAMMIT" part of me, while malesurvivor posted. You see, when I was younger I actually FELT my mind split as new personalities were created to deal with my pain. MATTDAMMIT got most of the "theatrical" anger, throwing things, yelling, tempur tantrums, etc. malesurvivor ( his name is rarely capitalized) only whimpered, and tried to be brave..... even though his chin quivered. The Protector got most of the TRUE anger, and also the killing (cold) rage. That one could plot where to put the knife to kill you quickest before the other two could decide how to react. Nobody EVER fukked w/ The Protector- when he was around, he was out for death. He was present when I (we?) pulled that knife on my stepd@d, ready to take him if he hit anyone(MATTDAMMIT says NO TOUCHING.) and I remeber feeling like they were warring in my head that day - Protector for death, MATTDAMMIT for anything theactrical, malesurvivor for endurance while willing to suffer, my -core? -self? the intregrated me for peace, preferably in my death. So, you guys who let me into your family got a 5 for 1 deal.... Protector, MATTDAMMIT, malesurvivor, the integrated me, and the *possibly* me-that-is-to- come. Hopefully, I can combine the best of all of them....

When I was little, people have told me how when I got mad, my face would change(not darken, CHANGE) and my voice would roughen far beyond my years.<Protector> When I was sad, my voice would become like a little childs'... malesurvivor. MATTDAMMIT was almost never around when other people were ther, so i don't know about him........

I remeber my high-school guidence counseller ( i saw her about 1 hour a day all thru high school) telling me about the voices, and I didn't believe her, and the others ( i think there used to be more) wouldn't let me listen.
I would have physcotic lapses, breaks with reality. Sometimes, I would just walk right out of school, like I was sleepwalking while awake.....I would also cry out in class sometimes.
Also, and this is HARD<HARD> hard for me to admit, I would somtimes even masterbate outside, or even in school, believing I was somewhere else...... sometimes they would catch me/us, and i would deny it.... When they called my undeserving-of-the-title- m0m, she would cover it up........that's ok cause malesurvivor could take the pain, Protector could fight, and MATTDAMMIT could keep all away.......

Now, Protector has mostly gone away, and malesurvivor and MATTDAMMIT have learned to get along.
I don't know if I was ever a "true" multiple, or if that was a symptom of the physcoctic breaks, but that is how i felt.

So, I wanted you all to know........ we don't like secrets around here. I went to jail over the masterbation, and i will never forgive myself....... with all those people in me couldn't ONE have.............??

I have more to say but that is for later.
I cant keep up the secrecy any more.
~~malesurvivor.

P.s. will write about what sent me to prison also later.
didnt hurt anyone but myself, luckily.
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Sitting, silently, thinking and screaming for freedom from this constant insanity, the endless solitary confinement.&&Yet I walk alone, and survive. &&Always alone, and always surviving.
 
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ginabella
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Re: Multiple? rift in my mind.....
Reply #1 - Feb 20th, 2004 at 6:47pm
 
Matt,

I am so sorry you have gone thru that type of mental confusion.  I'm no doctor...but I think dividing yourself up into many "selves" is a natural reaction to the pain.  I can totally understand it.  You are still the "you" who got hurt, but are now also the you who wants to scream and fight back...the you who protects...the you who has detatched himself from the situation...or  any situation which involves intimacy or closeness.
Sorry if I sound like I'm analizing you or whatever.  Don't mean to hurt feelings but I do say what's on my mind (sometimes a VERY BAD thing).
As far as the arrest and jail time go, I have to admit I was courious when you first mentioned it.  I wanted to ask but felt I'd be overstepping boundries.  I'm working on thinking things thru before saying them...
Anyway,  thank you so much for sharing that secret part of your life.  I certainly don't judge you for what happened.  I myself have done many things that I cannot bare to think about without turning red Embarrassed

I'm glad that you are comfortable enough here to share your real selves.

-much love and luck
-ginabella
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With the time, comes the answer;&&With the knowledge comes the end.&&With the conclusion comes the sanity;&&Just a little bit too late.
 
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Kaye
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Re: Multiple? rift in my mind.....
Reply #2 - Feb 20th, 2004 at 7:25pm
 
Matt,

No wonder you weren't doing IMs to me while writing that post!  

I certainly don't feel any different about having you in our family - just proves how much you really need one.  It certainly gives me an insight into those men I would  say were just...I won't say the words because I don't think that anymore - they most probably have come from the same kind of abuse you have suffered.  The people who should have gone to jail & still be there are your abusers.  Your courage is something else.  None of us like to delve into the darkest parts of our past.  The most important part is that you survived & you're here with us.  We're cheering you all the way to finding that 5th personality & staying mostly with that.  

My abuse was minimal in comparison to you & yet I still go into another world to be able to be sexual.  It's not me there & it's so frustrating.  It is me who feels dirty afterwards because it always ends up being me at the end of it.  Does that make sense? I think as a product of abuse we all have experienced split personalities to some degree eg. rebelling while just wanting to fit in, being promiscuous but hating sex, etc.  

Keep posting Matt,
Kaye.
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« Last Edit: Feb 21st, 2004 at 4:15am by N/A »  
 
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tinygirlchild
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Re: Multiple? rift in my mind.....
Reply #3 - Feb 20th, 2004 at 9:10pm
 
oh, matt!  i stare at my computer screen and wonder what i can say to comfort you . . . know that i am here and i'm not going anywhere.  my love for you is real, my brother/son/dear friend/whatever works for you.  my grief for your loss of what-should-have-been is profound.

i clearly understand your need to split.  i didn't split . . . but i am VERY familiar with dissociating, and still do it occasionally.

i remember my experiences of that as tho' my mind/'self' distanced quickly back from my body as soon as i felt threatened or censured.  then i could watch what was happening, hear what was being said, with complete emotional detachment.  it was normal for me.  i have to fight not to do it any more . . . to stay in the present.

i also still have a side of myself that is always ready to fight, and always willing, whether i think i can win or not.  i don't really care either way (ever -- very, very few people know that about me).  i trained for many years in martial arts, and must be very cautious to remain in control . . . patient and calm . . . when i feel i, or someone i care about, am/is being threatened.  i had such a situation at work last night, and was fully prepared to take this woman down, if she'd made any further move toward my pregnant co-worker (she'd made ONE -- for me, that was enough . . . i stepped in immediately).  fortunately, my sensei was very wise, and made certain that i was 'conditioned' to only do what i must (no more, no less), even if that was to only use words to back someone off.  i've become quite good at that, and it worked once again.  thank God.

it's so difficult to realize that our lives came to that.  wouldn't it have been wonderful never to have had to consider protecting ourselves to that degree?  never to have felt such anger or pain or fear or helplessness, that we were compelled to become real-world warriors in order to protect ourselves?  i am, thankfully, never tempted to use it for vengeance.

i understand your statements about your face changing, your voice changing.  my entire demeanor changes when i am very angry or in warrior-mode.  i'm such a tiny thing, that it totally takes people by surprise.  that tends to work to my advantage, but in many ways, it, too, is like two people coexist within me.

with respect to your behavior when another self took over . . . honey, you are NOT responsible for that.  you developed your other personae out of self-protection, and each behaved/behaves in a way that was/is suitable for that self.  i 'hear' you state that you will never forgive yourself for the act that put you in jail . . . matt, you were TRAINED to exhibit that behavior, just as i was trained to give sex to receive love (shall we talk about MY shame?).  i hate it just as much as you hate that . . . but it was NOT my fault, and that was NOT your fault!!

matt, it truly does sound as tho' you've suffered from mpd (multiple personality disorder).  have you ever discussed this with a therapist that specializes in our issues and/or mpd?  do you feel a need to?

no judgments against you exist here, my friend, and we do not shy away from your 'secrets.'  what you have done does not shock us . . . what DOES is that there were those who once hurt that little child that was you. 

here is a place of acceptance and healing, and warm hearts giving unconditional love.  i give that to you, freely and easily.

ticia

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Work like you don't need the money. &&Love like you've never been hurt. &&Dance like nobody's watching. &&Sing like nobody's listening. &&Live like it's Heaven on Earth. &&&&Anonymous&&
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Yolande
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Re: Multiple? rift in my mind.....
Reply #4 - Feb 20th, 2004 at 9:54pm
 
Hi Matt,

Put the lot of you together, and you are one fine person, anyway!  The harsher sides are a NATURAL reaction to what you suffered.  Sad that a little boy had to become his own protector against those who should have protected him - but too late, anyway to avoid the suffering. 

I often get really frustrated that I even come across to people (and am like that myself, when defensive) as a bitter, angry person, and a real fighter - BUT then I have come to realize that even an angel would have (had to) become a rebel if they had to survive in our household!!!  And multiply that by 100 for your situation - so I think that you have done SO well to be the man you are today. 

And you are still WAY more a real person than any of our genetic family!!!  You have a heart, you're honest and upfront, you speak out, you care, you have protective feelings for others, you are kind, you are so many things that our genetic family are incapable of. 

Hope I didn't upset you asking that - I just thought you were majorly courageous and strong - still do!  But we can also see the little hurt boy in you and WE feel protective, upset and angry for you, etc., too.  And we sure can see the best of the 5 sides of you!!   

See ya, little/big brother!

Jill
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kjoy
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Re: Multiple? rift in my mind.....
Reply #5 - Feb 22nd, 2004 at 2:07am
 
Matt,

I think that everyone who has posted before me has said it all. I agree with them. I too understand dissasociating from the abuse, and splitting from myself during periods of abuse. I tend to "zone out" to this day when I feel threatened. Remember we are all here for you, love you and do not judge you or your other personalities. I am so glad you are here and feel comfortable enough to share all of you with us..

                                      Take care of yourself,

                                                          Kathy
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malesurvivor
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Re: Multiple? rift in my mind.....
Reply #6 - Feb 22nd, 2004 at 4:05pm
 






                               thank you.



-me.
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Sitting, silently, thinking and screaming for freedom from this constant insanity, the endless solitary confinement.&&Yet I walk alone, and survive. &&Always alone, and always surviving.
 
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