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I was so young (Read 2956 times)
MF
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I was so young
Feb 17th, 2004 at 4:12am
 
I want to remain completely anonymous.

I need to get this out...***May Be Triggering***
I have been having a lot of memories on my mind. I have also felt that I have been feeling the urge to write to my mom about the abuse I suffered at the hands of my X step brother. I know that I also should or have to write to her about the physical abuse I suffered from her, but I don't feel like I can do that to her right now because I can't bear the consequences and she would take it as I am trying to hurt her and that I am trying to tell her that I am mad at her. Really, i'm not, but she is not stable enough herself, to determine my true intentions.

My X step brother, J, was only 2 days older than me. He was treated better 'because he is a boy'. I can't tell you how many times I heard that phrase as an excuse. I was wiser, smarter, more trustworthy, responsible, got good grades and was treated like Cinderella. And J, would be allowed to do whatever he wanted 'because he is a boy'.

I should have known that he was a bad boy because when I first met him, he took a toy away from me. What kids don't have that problem? Well, soon after my mom and his father married, J's true colors started to come out. One day we were playing quietly. I was 5 years old. We were playing with matchbox cars. He wanted my fingers to be a stop light. He told me that my first finger was go, my middle finger was slow and my ring finger was stop. As soon as my middle finger went down, he told me that I did something bad and delighted. He ran out to tell our parents. My mom called me into the room and asked me if I stuck my middle finger up. I said no, and then showed her how it was pointing down. She gasped. I had no idea what just happened. She sat a kitchen chair in the middle of the living room for all to see. She made me sit down there and told me to hold out my tongue. When i saw the bottle of tobasco sauce I didn't worry as I had seen adults us it and thought it was probably like ketchup. As always, I quietly obeyed. She dumped some in a spoon and told me that i had to put it in my mouth, not swallow and that if I did swallow it, we had to do it all over. I thought maybe this was some wierd game. She put the spoon in my mouth and I let it sit on my tongue. It burned! It burned so bad I began to cry. Out of instinct, I spit it out with my mother screaming at me to not do it. I couldn't help it. She loaded up the spoon and came for me again. I was crying and begging and so confused. I was kicking my feet and crying. She threatened me with something, maybe jsut that we would do it a third time if this didn't work. I begged her to do not so much and she complied. She poured half a spoon ful and made me put it in my mouth and set the kitchen timer for 2 minutes. I made it. I was crying. My saliva helped dilute it. And then she let me get down and spit it out in the bathroom sink, brush my teeth and then reiterated that I was not to do that again. Whatever it was, I wasn't sure. But I wasn't about to ask.

Is that abuse? Did I deserve it? Why didn't she ask questions? Why didn't she trust her own daughter that she wouldn't do something so horrible on purpose? Why did she do that to me? I was 5. I was so good. I was such a good girl. Why?





***More Triggering***

When I was 4 or 5 years old, my mom put J and I in the bath together. He was only 2 days older than me and we had just known each other recently as they were newly wed. Anyway, they put us in the tub. J and I played with the soap and whatever else was in the bath tub. I remember I had a frog toy and he had a fish toy that you wind up and it swims through the water. We were playing and somehow, I think this is what happened, my foot lightly dashed across J's thingy. He told me to do it again. I did. I am not sure if he was trying to do the same sort of thing to me, but I think I can recall it somewhat. Anyway, my mom thought it was getting pretty quiet in the bathroom and came to check in on us. The suds were gone by then and she could clearly see where our feet were. She quickly got us both out of the bathtub. We got dressed and were sent to our rooms to be punished. Harold went out back and picked a 'switch' off of the tree and came in. He went into J's room to spank him. J ran past Harold and ran into my room and headed straight for the closet. Harold came into the room, yanked J out of the closet and took him back to his room and beat him with that switch. I was next. He came into my room and spanked me and spanked me on my bare legs. I had a dress on. When the spankings were over, I noticed my legs were bleeding. I was crying and got some kleenex and started dabbing up the blood. Harold walked by and either spanked me again or yelled at me, I really can't remember right now, what I do remember is that he said, "That's for doctoring yourself up." I believe he spanked me again, but am not sure. About an hour later when I could walk again, Harold called my name. He was in the bathroom. My mom was in another room and followed me to where Harold was. He opened up the bathroom door. He had his robe on. He quickly turned around and flashed me. He opened his robe and was naked. He came close to me and my face (he is 6 feet 2 and I was 5 years old). He screamed at me, "Do you think this is pretty?? Do you like this? Huh? HuH?" When I turned my head, he said, "LOOK, I SAID LOOK!" When I looked and he was done asking me if I liked it, I answered no. He acted hurt that i said no. I was sent back to my room. I was scarred for life! I have never been able to erase that memory from my head.

What kind of parents do that to thier kids? I was so innocent. I was such a good, loving girl. I just don't get it. I don't know what to say.



I have changed the names to prtect the innocent.
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Robin033
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Re: I was so young
Reply #1 - Feb 17th, 2004 at 8:36am
 
((MF))

Welcome to Bearing Through It.  My heart truly goes out to you.  I'm sorry that you had to go through the things you did as a young child.  Yes, this was/is abuse and NOOO you did not deserve this to be conficted upon you.  You were only 5 years old, NO child deserves any type of abuse. 

Your story brought back a few memories of my own, when I would get spankings with "switches".  Spankings that would leave blood trickling down my back and my legs.  Some of these spankings were for things that I was blamed for and I did not do.  I still don't understand or know why my step-mother conflicted so much pain on me or why my father sexually abused me, so I can't really be much help to you to the reasons "why"?  But, Please know that you are NOT ALONE with your memories.  Anytime you need a listening ear or just a shoulder to cry on, we are all here for you. 

As far as writing your mother about the abuse you suffered by her, take your time and do not rush this.  Think a lot about what you want to say, and do it at your own pace.  You are right in considering that she may think that you are doing this to hurt her.  Before going through with this, try to think about the worst reaction that she could have to this.  If you feel that you can handle that reaction, then you can handle any kind of reaction.  If you don't feel that you can handle that reaction, then perhaps you should wait until you feel that you are strong enough to where you can.  YOU are the most important person in all of this.  Don't do anything that is going to cause YOU more pain then you are already in.  You are a very strong and courageous soul, you have proven that by surviving this abuse and telling your story here.  I hope this has been of some help to you.  Please know that you are welcome here anytime and we are always here for your support.  But, most of all, remember that you are NEVER alone in this.

((HUGS)) to you,
Robin

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malesurvivor
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Re: I was so young
Reply #2 - Feb 17th, 2004 at 4:21pm
 
MF,
IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. Now that I've said that, welcome to the boards! I hope you will find them to be as healing as I have.
You did NOTHING to deserve that!! I'm not sure what else to say, except that I think if you do decide to confront your abuser, a letter is a good idea, as you can always re-write it as many times as you want, or even never send it if you decide that's best. I agree completely with robin- YOU are the most important person  in this.
take care of YOUrself.
~~malesurvivor
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Sitting, silently, thinking and screaming for freedom from this constant insanity, the endless solitary confinement.&&Yet I walk alone, and survive. &&Always alone, and always surviving.
 
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ginabella
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Re: I was so young
Reply #3 - Feb 17th, 2004 at 4:33pm
 
MF

Hey!  You sound like you need some major reassurance that you are a good person.
I don't know you but know this:  YOU DO NOT DISERVE THAT KIND OF ABUSE. 
Nobody deserves to live like that.  The tabasco story really pissed me off...I'm so angy for you!!!!!!!

I hope you find it comfortable enough here to stick around.  This place has helped me tremendously!

So.........WELCOME Cheesy Wink Smiley Grin

-much love and luck
-ginabella
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With the time, comes the answer;&&With the knowledge comes the end.&&With the conclusion comes the sanity;&&Just a little bit too late.
 
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Cheryl
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Re: I was so young
Reply #4 - Feb 18th, 2004 at 10:24am
 
MF,

( ( ( H U G S ) ) )


~ Cheryl
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bespina1
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Re: I was so young
Reply #5 - Feb 18th, 2004 at 11:26am
 
Dear MF  I am soooooooooo sorry to hear what happened to you .we all here  have had so really bad things happen to us .know that this is a safe place to be and  no one here will ever judge you .that being said WELCOME TO THE BOARD . Kiss Cheesy Smiley
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