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I get the feeling that I have been judged (Read 6680 times)
lily
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I get the feeling that I have been judged
Feb 12th, 2004 at 12:56am
 
I am getting the feeling (through some silence and such) that maybe some of you are offended that I had abortions.  Let me paint you a picture.  I am a drug addicted, alcoholic, homeless extremely depressed and suicidal 18 year old who has no one but her boyfried (who she lives with) and her mother who controls every aspect of her life.  I got pregnant and wanted my baby more than anything.  My older sister has moved into my apartment (upon mom's orders) and I am left with nothing.  Mom says "You f-ing loser!  Who the hll do you think you are?!  You are stupid and you will have an abortion or you will no longer be my daughter!"  Scared and defeated, I very reluctantly agree.  Then a year goes by, I have lost the apartment completely, sister took off without a word and I am pregnant again.  Boyfriend and I are thrilled.  Even he says we can do this.  Mom says "What the hll is the matter with you?!"  and he seeming to never want to let her down, says "Yeah, we can't have this baby.  If you try, you will have to move out."  (only not in so many nice words).  This time, my doctor who also happens to be my mom's friend also says that I have to abort or I will be in a wheelchair on account of my back.  So, I listen again.  Mind you I'm still an addict/alcoholic.  I get pregnant again, only this time I have been taking care of my siblings who live with me instead of my mom (gee maybe she is the one who can't handle kids) and I have to give them back to her because I just can't do it anymore.  I tell her "I'm pregnant so you have to take your kids back now."  She says through a lot of screaming that I no longer have a mother.  I get something whipped at my head when I tell my boyfriend that I am keeping my baby and of course the doctor says I need to abort too.  This time I say "Fkk off" to everyone.  I leave my boyfriend and my mom.  I find a different doctor and decide if I die, I will have this kid!  After Chris proposes to me and says to say the baby is his, Bob decides that he is lonely or something and wants me back.  I tell Chris no (that was dumb) and go back to Bob.  I have my son.  Eventually, my mom comes back into my life when she realizes she has a fresh mind to fkk.

I wanted to let you know that I died each time it happened and I did not want it to and I just didn't know how to fight.  It doesn't matter if other people don't forgive me, because I still haven't forgiven myself.  It is something that never goes away.  You don't just wake up one day and it's all over and forgotten.  I mourn every day.  When I play a game with Robby or look into Sarah's eyes, I wonder what the others were like.  And, I hate myself all over again.


Lily
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Re: I get the feeling that I have been judged
Reply #1 - Feb 12th, 2004 at 1:47am
 
Dear Lily, I have read your story and I think what you finally decided to do was right. I made an ex have an abortion way back when and it haunted me for years.

I eventually found her number and asked her to forgive me for what I had done. It was then that I started to forgive myself.

Please know that we have all done something that we still feel the pain and guilt of. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!

I don;t mean to offend you by saying that God is merciful and compassionate and HE HAS FORGIVEN YOU!

Now forgive yourself. Don't be shackled by yesterdays failures. It sounds like you are giving motherhood the best shot you can.

Your mother is wrong to emotionally blackmail you. I had a mother who did that to me almost til the day she died. It was recommended by my therapist to completely sever my relationship with her.

The relationship that you have with your mother is toxic. It is not a genuine relationship and it causes too much pain. It is not going to be easy but you must get away from her if you expect to heal.

Take what you need out of what I have said and toss the rest.

Thanks for having the courage to share your story.

I was told when I first posted my story that there is love and care and compassion on this site.

Well, here is some from me.

Take care, love yourself and do what is best for you and your kids.  Sincerly, homealone.
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Re: I get the feeling that I have been judged
Reply #2 - Feb 12th, 2004 at 1:51am
 
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Lily}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I for one would never judge you for the choices that you had to make in the past. I am sure it is really painful for you and I do understand. When I got pregnant with my first child, 17 and not quite sure who I was, I almost made that decision also. I am glad I didn't, but I do understand the reasons that you did and want you to know that I am here for you. You did what you felt you had to do at the time and I would never feel that I had the right to judge you as I was not in your situation or living your life. Remember I am here for you as always and sending my love and support to you.. Take care of yourself always, Kathy
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Re: I get the feeling that I have been judged
Reply #3 - Feb 12th, 2004 at 9:46am
 
(((Lily))),

I would not judge you for what you have done.  WE all have made mistakes or decisions in life we are not proud of.  We need to learn how to forgive ourselves and stop beating ourselves up.  We have come from some horrible places.  It's amazing we all function as well as we do.

~ Cheryl
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Re: I get the feeling that I have been judged
Reply #4 - Feb 12th, 2004 at 12:26pm
 
Dear Lily you must know I would never judge you .if you read my story Incest and incest more to say then the one hole in my heart you know I to had one abortion and gave one child up for adoption.I know what you are feeling the pain anger grief.everything.so no I would never judge you because i to have been and still am dealing with the loss.you are right in saying it never really does go away.everytime i see a story on TV about incest ,child molestation ,rape ,what everit really effects me because I feel like those stories are about me .I cry to over them.because the stories trigger memories of my past.things I wish i could forgot.but know i must deal with at one point or another in order to heal .but I think the pain of lossing 2 children will always be with me .please I am hear for too as you have said that you are hear for me together will get through this. traveling with you and feeling your pain.  BETH (((((HUGS)))))))
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Re: I get the feeling that I have been judged
Reply #5 - Feb 12th, 2004 at 9:21pm
 
Dearest Lily,

There is no way that I would judge you.  I am so proud of you for being the sweet, kind person that you are.  You are more sweet than a lot of people who HAVEN'T been through the things you have.  You have such a compassionate soul, and so much love to give.  You never CHOSE to give up those babies,  the choice was taken from you.  The odds were stacked so much against you - how could anyone make the decision to go against all that, and while in such a mess yourself (understandably)???   None of us are superhuman.  AND you did stand up against all that the third time - that must have taken something beyond normal human capacity!!!  You are obviously a way better person than the woman you came from - and yes, a way better mother.  Even your younger siblings must surely have been glad of your 'mothering', even if they don't show it now.  I hope that one day your family stop looking for the worst in you & using you, and see the best in you - the beautiful person who has come so far.  Don't let them (their wrong judgement of you) drag you down, Lily.  They don't even know you.  Maybe they don't want to, because you have risen above a lot of what they are still into, and they don't like the feeling that that gives them.  We appreciate you for the lovely lady, and I'm sure, wonderful mom, that you are.  I am so glad that you ended up back with Chris, too.  He sounds like he is more 'Dad-material', as well!  Your little children obviously have a WAY better life than you ever did.  You are doing a good job. 

We are all thinking of you while you go through this bad patch Lily, and we will share your joy when you are feeling better, too. 

Love and hugs,

Jill
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Re: I get the feeling that I have been judged
Reply #6 - Feb 12th, 2004 at 11:16pm
 
Dear lilly,
I want you to know I haven't judged you, but I HAVE been silent about your abortions because that is one thing I can never experience since I'm male. I'm sorry if it was me you were talking about, but I'm unsore if it's ok for me to comment on it since I know nothing about it and cannot comprhend your pain.
I'm soooo sorry you had to go through that. I feel for you.
write me anytime.
~~malesurvivor
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Re: I get the feeling that I have been judged
Reply #7 - Feb 13th, 2004 at 8:00am
 
sweet lily,

i wholeheartedly echo the outpouring of love and support for you from everyone else.

know that you are not judged.  i, too, have had an abortion -- i thought i had no choice -- it was late-term, and i bled very badly with the births of my two youngest sons as a direct result.

the little one i aborted was my only daughter.  i know she awaits me in heaven, and i can't wait to see her and hold her, and know if she forgives me (i've asked her to 1,000 times).

she would be 25 this year.  i still catch myself picturing her wedding, her children . . . i still miss her.  her name is mirimani joelle (miri).

i grieve with you.

ticia
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lily
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Re: I get the feeling that I have been judged
Reply #8 - Feb 13th, 2004 at 12:27pm
 
Thank you guys....

Maybe it was more me than it was you.  I can be my worst judge.  I don't know.  But, I thank you for your words.  And I have often wondered what they would be like.  As far as the older two, if the first had been born, the second could not have been.  and if the second had been born, Robby could not have been.  And if fourth had been born, Sarah may not have been, and in all cases, Chris and I may not be togethr.....a person can lose their mind thinking like this...Knowing my two beautiful children now does help, but I still grieve.  I still feel like a horrible person.  And I never actually thought to ask THEIR forgiveness.  Only God's and my own.  Maybe if I can picture them and ask them....maybe who knows....My sister asks if I will ever tell Robby and Sarah about them.  I think that's a bad idea seeing as how Robby maintains a loving relationship with his biological father.  My mom told me about her first one (would have been a year older than me) and I helped her through her second (still hating her the whole time--I was 16), and with her last she actually asked Chris for the money for it!! Seeing her treat abortion like birth control just made me hate people who had abortions and I began to hate myself even worse.  I felt like I was being punsihed for it when I lost my last baby to misscarriage.  I wanted to kill myself to make it right for Chris and Robby.  Chris and I just barely made it through that one.  We both would cry every time we saw my sister's daughter who was the same age (would have been born the same month and everything) that our baby should have been.  And, we had picked out Hannah Sarah for her name.  But, a year after we lost her, my sister chose Hannah for her new baby.  It was heart wrenching to say the least. 

That is why I feel like the worst mother in the world.  Here God has answered my deepest prayer.  He has given us a daughter.  Sarah Hannah.  But, I am stuck in this freakin depression and unable to give her the love and patience that she needs and deserves.  I try, and honestly, she probably doesn't even notice. But I do and I know that something is wrong.  I should be over joyed and give praises.  But, instead I feel like I never have time for myself and I become resentful.  I hate feeling like that and when I do I force myself to smile and play with her.  It's so hard.  But she helps a lot now.  If I'm upset, she gives me this huge smile and my heart just melts.  I don't know why I am telling you all of this.  I guess I just need to get it all out.  Well, thanks again for listening.  And listening.  And listening.  I'm working on getting better.  And, hopefully one day I won't be feeling like this so much anymore. 

Lily
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Re: I get the feeling that I have been judged
Reply #9 - Feb 13th, 2004 at 12:59pm
 
hey Lily, I am not judging you what so ever, I do becuase of my own beliefs, know that you made the best decsion you could at the time and that, I know how you feel about the guilt, I had an abortion when I was 19 years old and becuse I was not finacially stable was in bad relationship, and was not emotionally stable at the time at all I mad the decision for myself that I would not bring a baby into the world when I was just a baby myself. I am not though feeling guilt about it now because I had a wise friend tell me not to. That for my belief that it's your body and a woman should have the choice. I know others problably think differently and that 's okay it's just how i feel..you made the best decision you could..it's always emotionally hard dealing with the decision becasue women in a lot of ways are made to feel shamed for that kind of decision..I feel there isn't enough support for  those in distress and need support in what ever decision they make whether to have the baby or not have the baby..lots' of support and love  Nichole
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Re: I get the feeling that I have been judged
Reply #10 - Feb 14th, 2004 at 2:04am
 
((((((((((((((((Lily))))))))))))))))))

Hon, you need to be patient with yourself here. A lot of what you are feeling is due to the postpartum blues. It hasn't been that long since you gave birth to Sarah. As to the decision whether or not to tell her and Robbie about your other children, well that decision is years and years away and if and when the time is right to do so, you will know it.. Can I offer a suggestion to you? It is just my opinion, but I think you need some closure with your other  little ones. How about writing them each a letter, pour out your love, your grief etc... go get some special balloons, and have a little memorial for them, tie the letters to the balloons, go to a park and send the messages off to heaven... Please know that everything happens for a reason and it is okay for you to let go of the guilt and blame, it is not yours to carry anymore. You did what you had to do at that time in your life. You are a wonderful person and a great mother, a bad mother wouldn't care how her emotions were affecting her children. Remember that. And allow yourself some time to heal ... from the past, and from the delivery of Sarah. Please stop being so hard on yourself... You are a great person deserving of all the love your children, your husband, and all of us here have to offer you.... Take care always,

                                                          Kathy
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Re: I get the feeling that I have been judged
Reply #11 - Feb 15th, 2004 at 11:08pm
 
Totally NOT judging you.
I am, after all PRO-CHOICE.
you did what was best for you and if anyone has a problem with that, they should try walking in your shoes for a day!
-much love and luck
-ginabella
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Re: I get the feeling that I have been judged
Reply #12 - Feb 17th, 2004 at 8:49am
 
((((Lily))))

I just read your post.  I don't come to this board very often, because when I do I have a big problem with triggering.  So, I only come in here when I'm feeling strong enough and feel that I can handle things that may be posted here.

But, anyway, I just read your post and I wanted to assure you that I would NEVER judge you or any other person on this board.  I have the "gift" of putting myself into the shoes of other's and I can literally feel the pain they go through.  Before I know it, I'm the one that ends up being the one who is crying.  I call this a "gift" because I have learned that many people cannot do this.  Please, know that you are not and never will be judge by me.  After all, it's not my place to judge ANYONE.  Everything that we do or have done in our lives were done for a REASON.  For that REASON no one has the right to judge you. 

I'm always here if you need me.

Safe Love and Hugs to you,
Robin
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Re: I get the feeling that I have been judged
Reply #13 - Feb 19th, 2004 at 10:04am
 
Dear Lily,

Just another non-judgmental friend checking in.  This board is one of the best things that's ever happened to me & yet it can be the most frustrating when someone needs real hugs & comfort as much as you do.  Please be kind to you & let someone carry you for a while.  Your gift of nurturing others is your worst enemy when your needs are so great. 

Love & post-hugs,
Kaye. xxxxxxxxxx
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