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Telling my boss!! I'm very nervous. (Read 3198 times)
nichole campbell
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Telling my boss!! I'm very nervous.
Feb 10th, 2004 at 1:19pm
 
I'm trying to stay as sane as I can...it's so hard right now. I have issues with my boundries that I have to be strong about so strong about...I talked to my therapist about this issue with guilt and me and it's been a reacurring theme in my life not only since I started healing but MY Whole life...I've had guilt..severe depression..but I hid it under my mask the face people wanted to see to see if I was real was so well hidden..or so I thought..I couldn't hide from myself if I wanted to .I look in the mirror and she Nicky is there every time.I feel the guilt or confusion every time I look in the mirror. ohhh I just want to be normal..but this is the way my life is..it's all a healing process. I'm writing just because I need support..Peter has given me the support that he can give right now...because he can only give so much..you see I have to tell my boss that I'm a survivor of sexual abuse and other types of abuse and I have to tell him this because for 1. I trust him 2. I 've had to be talked to ...about how my somewhat frequent speeking out to my co workers about how some of the things they say are innapropriate or sometimes I have to make sure that I'm not being crazy. You see I work in a kitchen..CLOSE COURTeRs...and it can be reallyi difficult for me sometimes because I find it hard to trust that people at work aren't checking me out or thinking of me in ways more than a co worker or buddy...because it's such a friendly evironment I feel a little uncomfortable because it's so clean compared to most of the kitchen talk out there..really ...it's just that I'm soooooo sensitive to what people say or do ...any way...Darren one of the owners of the restuarant acted like the messenger for the staff in the kitchen and told me that they feel uncomfortable around me because I'm so sensitive about some of the things they say...but it's because it's not directed at me they can't see why it bothers me....a rare risque' comment doesn't bother me..I can deal with that and take it for what it is..but it can get really uncomfortable for me..when I get a trigger from what one of them might have said. like Jason blew in my ear as a joke not meaning to directly blow in my ear (it gets extremly hot in the back where I do the dishes that I get overheated) he meant it as a joke and i knew that because I was like turn on the ac...which there is none. and he was joking but it triggered me big time..I waas like he just made a pass at me...How clever of him...then the other part of me was like honey just tell him not to do that any more for reasons you can't really explain...you see how it might drive them and I nuts because there have been other incidents too..I haven't been able to go to the christmas parties becuause I was scared that my boundries would go out of control with Peter there or without Peter there...Peter and I just had couple of days of thinking through stuff because I told him that I find someone at work attractive and don't know how to deal with that...it's not that I want to have sex with this person..my situation I hope you'll understand is a little complicated ....I'll start from the beginning...I went to work..feeling really clear about my boundries...a new guys comes..I notice he's good looking..so what...but I have guilt about that because all my life situations with merely finding someone attractive have been soo over sexualized that if I'm now in a committed beautiful relationship with someone I love so dearly and tell them this..there instant reaction like any human being is to feel uncomfortable with..Since Peter hasn't had the same life issues as I ..he doesn't not carry the same guilt as I...he knows how to filter all his feelings and compartmentalize the boundries and if he finds someone attractive..can laugh with them, thinks they are a good person..it's differnent for him because he has 38 years of boundries on me..I am only in the early stage of forming my boundries..because I was abused when I was 3 years old by my mothers Nanny when my Mom moved away from my Father with my Brother and I back to Nova Scotia....My Nanny caught me playing with myself..humping the carpet in her bedroom and she brutally abused me mentally and physically...she shamed me so badly..and said all kinds of nasty things and kept on spanking me sooo hard I cried so much and she abandoned me she spanked me and through me upstairs she REalLy abused me...the bitch. I'm sorry...I just get so angry sometimes because it's such the wrong thing to do to someone so young to me. OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I feel like I want to scream stop the abuse of children  lakjdsf;alksdjf;laskdfj;alksdj f;alskdj f;alskdj f;alsdigh;sdklghpewroiutypq3 948gaeroity9348yuokfdhSTOP STopstop stop stop stop stop it's wrong wrong wrong wrkong thek...

Okay I feel better now...I was in my early stages of emothional development and she ripped my growth away from me the bitch the abuser oh man give me the strenght to forgive her for what she did...she really hurt me badly mommy I couldn't tell you because she threatened me she told me not to cry stop crying spank spank spank...ohh the agony.  I should have been there for you I'm sorry so sorry i wasn't there for you when you really needed me but you got through it your such a strong little girl..I love you and you will never be abused ever again..I promise..I will be here...I will protect you....You are finally safe....I know the boundries ....and we will learn them more and build them together.....becuse you are a part of me Nicky,, my little darling..you were just a baby.


I can't write anymore..all I know is that is as far as I can go right now..and that you see how I find it hard to trust people..My emotional development only got as far as that..so I for a long time only truly felt safe enought to masterbate when I was completly alone..my whole life I've been sexually reactive...because when I was 5 I heard my mom and step father...having sex...and then I waited until they were done and was scared...I asked my Mom for a glass of water and she came in with a shirt on and I could see her priate parts in the dark...I felt so guitly for what...???then at the age of 7 or 8 a door was opened and heard them again I was young and I couln't believe I saw them...I became aroused and masterbated to them...I saw them...I never told anyone and have held the shame and guilt ever since.


Do you see how if I walked in on someone at work with there shirt off it automatically signals DANGEr for me ...I 'be had so much happen to me but don't have the energy to really write more about that..but I need your support...I had a really great breakthrough with Peter Last night because he understood why I'd feel guilty about the guy at work....Even though I haven't done anything wrong I've had intrusive thoughts about him because of what i saw...and then he's so nice to me and a little overfamiliar...nice guy but he said I was so sweet and a sweetie and that I rock.....It's the guilt I feel when he said that made me cringe because it was nice but I hardly know the guy and I wanted to say oh thankyou but don't tell me that because to me that is being too overfamiliar..the guilt sets in and it's like a snow ball effect..I can't tell him because I worry that if i tell him he'll think I'm weird or that i hurt his feelings and if I do tell him I'll feel uncomfortable becsue I'm worrying so much that he feels uncomfortable around me..this happens all the time....I know and am aware but it happens so fast in my head that I find it hard to get back to reality.....I guess I need to just slow down and remember that it is my worrying that causes me so much anxiety..and that when I know I'm starting to feel like that I just have to breath slowly deeply and remember that i'm forming my boundries and i'm doing the best that I can...Love Nichole
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Cheryl
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Re: Telling my boss!! I'm very nervous.
Reply #1 - Feb 10th, 2004 at 2:13pm
 
Nichole,

I really don't know what to say except that I'm listening.

I also oversexualize situations so I do understand.

Hang in there and don't beat yourself up over it. 

Also, let us know how it went with your boss.

~ Cheryl
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kjoy
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Re: Telling my boss!! I'm very nervous.
Reply #2 - Feb 10th, 2004 at 7:35pm
 
Nicole,

I understand so well what you are experiencing and I applaud you for your decision to talk to your boss and explain your sensitivity to him. That is a big step for you to take. I understand the guilt so well, I grew up with it and live with it on a daily basis as well, also I understand the blurring of the sexual bounries. To this day every guy I look at triggers things in my mind. I am always wondering when a guy is nice to me what it is he is really after! Anyway, I just want you to know that I do understand and wish the best for you. Hang in there and let us know how it goes with your boss..

                                       Take care always,

                                                           Kathy
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Re: Telling my boss!! I'm very nervous.
Reply #3 - Feb 11th, 2004 at 4:02am
 
Good on you kjoy, and we will be eager to hear how you went, and any future changes in the atmosphere.  Too often, I feel, survivors are discouraged from telling those around them.  If the individual feels the need, then I don't think anyone else should stop them.  You know what is best for yourself.  I hope your boss is wise in how he/she deals with the knowledge, so that it can work to your advantage. 

Another thought, by the stats, it is also likely there will be someone else working there who has been through abuse in some form, too, so you may find a new close friend to help you along the way!  Hopefully there will be at least some that will be compassionate and protective, while still allowing you to be your 'fun self' at work, too!

Let us know how you go!

Love,

Jill

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Re: Telling my boss!! I'm very nervous.
Reply #4 - Feb 11th, 2004 at 8:50am
 
Dear  Nichole,

I know how you feel. I often feel like I'm frozen at about four years old, oversexualize situations, and feel the guilt about masterbation( I, too, started when I was very young.) or any type of sexual urge.
I think you are taking a very big step toward wellness, and I wish you the BEST OF LUCK.

~~malesurvivor
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Re: Telling my boss!! I'm very nervous.
Reply #5 - Feb 11th, 2004 at 12:04pm
 
Thank you so much for your encouragement and support..I really needed that..it's always a releif to know you are not alone..I haven't been able to talk to my boss yet I will today as I will have enough time and he will be in. So again wish me luck.Love NIchole
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