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Pain part 3(what is this? a series?) (Read 3643 times)
malesurvivor
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Pain part 3(what is this? a series?)
Feb 10th, 2004 at 6:08am
 
I recently realized that I bled because of hemmoroids(sic?) and m0m knew because when I partly(only about others abuse, not hers) confronted her 2 years ago, the fact of my hemmorrhoids(looked it up) came up. She said it must have been i was trying to defecate too hard.
While this can happen, IT WAS A LIE!!The hemmorhoids were from anal abuse. Besides, now that I think back on it, she also let slip that she knew about the hemmorrhoids. Why didn't she do anything? Of course, she was my original abuser, and years later she left me alone(she had to buy clothes.for 8 hrs. even tho we couldnt afford a hospital she yelled when i asked.) when I was 10/11 and so sick I was throwing up WATER if I drank it so I shouldn't be surprised, but still....!
I have memories unconnected to emotions, and emotions that are unappropiate to the situation that I know are coming bubbling up from the cesspool of my mind like rotten methane gas, and I get so tired. Why me? and not (I am pretty sure) my brother or two sisters.Not that I would wish that on them, but why me?
I remember being grossly fat, and m0m telling me nobody liked me cause of the weight, then when I would get upset/cry, she would give me.....Ice Cream! What the hell? I think she tried to encourage my isolation so I would never tell.
Those of you with tender ears, please skip down to the bottom line of ***. I need to yell.
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Hey, m0m, if you're listening(for a change)...............
FUKK YOU!! I DON'T NEED YOUR SH!T!!! NEVER STICK YOUR HAND IN MY PANTS AGAIN, B!TCH!!! FUKK YOU, YOU STUPID, SADISTIC, ABUSIVE FUKKING WH0RE!!
I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON THE FUKKIN $$$$ THAT IS ALL YOU CARE ABOUT, YOU OLD B!TCH!! I NO LONGER ACCEPT YOU IN MY LIFE. Angry Angry Angry Angry Angry Angry Angry
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******************************thanks. I mispelled the words on purpose for effect, cause otherwise the site changes them, and sometimes nothing but the harshest will do.

Anyway, I think she encouraged the isolation, always jealous of my freinds  (except jason, and he was in an eletric wheelchair, so we didn't go out much, only to his house or my garage. Then that a$$hole rich made sure we moved to a tri-level house w/nothing but stairs so "that f*g**t jason couldn't come over" and I went for him, but my brother mark was there and took me down.I wish he hadn't-juvie hall would have been better than my house.)  Also, she never wanted me to play with others, cause they were all bad influences, even becky, who never drank, smoked, drugged, swore, or anything.Same with a kid called Shrop- he was no way a bad influence.Cathy, too- She was Shrops' girlfriend.)
So, I learned to numb, first with tobbacco      ( 1.5 to 2 packs a day 6 months after I started at age 14) then with alcohol ( 3-day parties, summer parties where I would be drunk 24/7 for days/weeks)then with pot(smoked myself stupid once, couldn't remember my name for a while.also smoked so much I couldn't move/talk/hear just stuck and numb.)Lsd turned out to be ok, mostly, only a few bad trips...but they were doozies.I still see little creatures, half borrower, half viking, and half dwarf.(it's l.s.d. half+half + half = 1. lol) out of the corners of my eyes once in a great while.
I'm glad I never found heroin or crack or crystal meth....if I had found one of the heavier/more addictive drugs, I likely would be dead of O.D. or in prison for murder. I think about what I'm capable of when I'm drunk and feeling mean, picture those feelings combined with somthing like meth or pcp and I shudder.Thamkfully, I haven't drank/ drugged for years & years, and quit smoking when I went to prison 4 years ago. THAT was hard, from 2 packs a day to 0 in the clank of a celldoor, but I DID IT!! even tho we could buy smokes in there.<yay for malesurvivor>

I see now how m0m has tried to keep the family separate, always countering an accusation with somthing like " well that's not what mark/lori/julie said" then making sure we don't talk to each other. She would also lie to each about the others so we would assume the others don't like us. Well, julie has lori, and lori has julie, and I have julie ( bestsister) and mark has coke & pot, so she can go sh!t over the fire pit.

I also rememer her sneaking off to spend a long weekend w/ rich at the star plaza in Merriville,In.,  she left thursday morn. to go to work, went straight to the concert after work, stayed there all weekend, took monday off too, then went straight back to work tuesday morning.So I didn't see her for 6 days untill wed. morning. Julie was away at a friends house  (she was drugging then) and I never saw her either!! I'll never forgive bestsister for that. We were broke then. (*tho why did the b!tch have the $1,000 it would have taken too stay in that hotel a whole week and see 3 concerts and eat out every night??!!??) We were broke then, and I ran out of food by the 3rd day, and that was with using all the change i could scrounge and only eating 1 small thing a day like a .25 cent bag of chips OR three slices of bread.Had to choose only one...the other was for tommorrow. I was HHUUNNGGRRYY!!! I was starving. I hadn't been getting enough to eat at that time anyway ( growth spurt) so I didn't have much fat to carry me through. m0m said I ate too much anyway so she wouldn't let me eat much. She never told me she was leaving, never told julie either. Food was all I could think about. I remember lookin in all the cabinets at least a hundred times, but nothing. It never occurred to me to call anyone or anything, cause then they would know SHE DIDN'T WANT ME. Let's just keep it in the family, right?b!tch. I even ate a mint I found under the couch. Nothing to eat in the garbage--- I looked. Too this day, if I don't have $5.00 cash, I FREAK OUT!! even if I had $1,000,000,000 in the bank, I would still need that $5.00, because I can buy a bag of potatos with that, and that will feed me for a while.
So, while she ate steak, i starved. She yelled at me for stealing the change. I guess she didnt think I was worth .47 cents.
Sometimes, this memory hurts the worst.....at least the abuse was ATTENTION, not just going away cause she forgot I was there.
Thank you for reading this long........writing it down helped, especially as I know others will see it and it won't be a shameful secret anymore.
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« Last Edit: Feb 11th, 2004 at 9:07am by malesurvivor »  

Sitting, silently, thinking and screaming for freedom from this constant insanity, the endless solitary confinement.&&Yet I walk alone, and survive. &&Always alone, and always surviving.
 
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bespina1
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Re: Pain part 3(what is this? a series?)
Reply #1 - Feb 10th, 2004 at 10:29am
 
Dear Matt ; I hear what you are saying .feel your paun I to have had alot of physical pain and emotional as well . My mom never believed anything I said even if it was the thruth.food became my best friend.you would never see me without food inmouth.I was eating like 24 /7unless I was asleep .was afriad to slepp thats when my abuser would come.so i started tyo put on wieght hoping it would make me safe but it didn't just isolated me from the outside world.I really didn't though at thetime.at my fatest I was 360lbs.that was afer the first time i got pregnant.and my mom told I had a pretty face but that because i fat I should find someone with money to marry me because I would never be loved for me.my whole family would call names fatty fatso tubby tubby2x4.ect.................I learned to hide my feelings well nimb just about everything.out even have like out of body type things.it was like I was there  but it wasn't really me I watching from somewhere.my bro used blackmail on me to keep me telling.he use to hide a small cassette recorder in the ceiling of mom room and record private things.and then use it against meso I stoppped talking on phone in my room.I also want to scream at my mom brother and sisters .sisters for not supporting me because he abused them to but they won't say anything.my younger sis saw my bro abuse me acttually having sex with me and denies it.so I just go on hoping maybe one day it will all come to light .but i don't except anything anymore from anyone in my family exspecially now that my dad is gone 2/3 yrs now . he was the only that I could talk to about what happened .I miss him soooooooooooooooo much .sometimes I wish I was with Him.I am soooooooooo tried of all the lies that had been told to cover up what happened never being able to talk about any of to until now and toooooooooomuch happening to fast all a once .hard to deal with .and now this empty place in my heart loning to find the baby i gave  away even though it is a child of incest .I hurt i cry for all that was taken from me and all that i lost.I am csreaming with you MATT I hear you loud and clear .  Beth
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Yolande
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Re: Pain part 3(what is this? a series?)
Reply #2 - Feb 10th, 2004 at 10:11pm
 
Oh my goodness, Matt, and Beth, that is so horrific.  I can certainly relate to the way these abusive families also try to isolate you from the rest of the world.  They try to keep you 'bashed down' (Kaye's and my term!) emotionally so that you never have the strength to stand up to them, and also so that you always feel unloved/unloveable enough to not reach out to others, or to TELL the secrets.  You both may feel so alone, in that your families (good on your dad, though, Beth) don't want to know about it, but you are the HEALTHY one - or will be - because you are choosing to live with REALITY, while they are still living in pretend-land, and it will hold them back, keep them locked up from ever growing as a person from what they were back then.

All the best.

Jill
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malesurvivor
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Re: Pain part 3(what is this? a series?)
Reply #3 - Feb 11th, 2004 at 9:10am
 
Thank you Beth and Jill.
I would write more about it but I find it hard to go there right now. maybe later. Undecided
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Sitting, silently, thinking and screaming for freedom from this constant insanity, the endless solitary confinement.&&Yet I walk alone, and survive. &&Always alone, and always surviving.
 
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bespina1
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Re: Pain part 3(what is this? a series?)
Reply #4 - Feb 11th, 2004 at 2:20pm
 
Matt only write what was is comfortable for you at  the time don't push things .easy does it one day at time.you will get there in do time .
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lily
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Re: Pain part 3(what is this? a series?)
Reply #5 - Feb 12th, 2004 at 2:36am
 
Matt,


I know I know I know!!!!!!!  While mine was not a sexual abuser she WAS an sbuser.  And she would leave me and my siblings alone for days with no food and very little money!  And no car and all the way out in the middle of nowhere!! We went to the field and picked wild berries to eat!!!  She would tell me how fat I was all the time and then reward me for keeping my room clean with food!!!  She would always have me go to the store for her and if I didn't bring the reciept she would accuse me of stealing her change.  Even then she would.  Even now, she will have us go get her cigarettes and she gives only enough money for two packs and requests three.  If we don't get all three plus give her change she flips out.   The last straw was when she accused Chris of stealing her change!!! I was furious!  He is more honest in one day than she has ever been in her life!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Today she tells me I'm fat.  If she gives a compliment, I have to see what she wants.  She is such a conditional love giver that it's disgusting. 

She wouldn't isolate me from my (what) friends, there was no need.  But, she would tell my siblings that I was crazy and that they should ignore me.  I will never forget my punishment one time was to get the silent treatment from her and my siblings.  She would talk about me on the phone too, as if I wasn't even there.  She always acted like she was so perfect and I was nothing and worth nothing.  She would take our child support and buy makeup and clothes.  We would eat eggs (just eggs--scrambled eggs no meat or bread or anything) and she would go out!! with our child support!!!!!!!  To this day I HATE eggs!  We ate them 6 days a week.  The other week would be some healthy crap that she read about.  She would let me have sips of brandy when she cooked with it, and then brag that I was a lush to her friends.  I still have a weakness for brandy.  It is because of her that I have a drinking habit!!!!!  And she won't accept that I can't drink.  She makes fun of me in public.  We went out to Red Lobster and she told the waitress what a lush I was!!  Even though I was the only one there with a non alcoholic drink.  wow. it just occurred to me that i just vented all this.  i'm sorry.  i am having a really bad day.

anyway, keep writing and posting.
lily
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lily
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Re: Pain part 3(what is this? a series?)
Reply #6 - Feb 12th, 2004 at 2:39am
 
well, only write what you are ready to write anyway.
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Kaye
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Re: Pain part 3(what is this? a series?)
Reply #7 - Feb 19th, 2004 at 9:39am
 
Matt,

I'm still reading but calmed down a bit.  You are one brave, special person.  Thankyou for trusting us enough to tell of your painful life.  It sure is lucky for us too that you didn't get into the real heavy stuff.  I feel the need to scream but I'd better not wake the men (big one & little one) in the house!!!  I'll go have a cuppa instead & keep on reading.  Your 'biological woman' sure is scum! 

Kaye.
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