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HOLE in MY HEART (Read 3677 times)
bespina1
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HOLE in MY HEART
Feb 9th, 2004 at 12:35pm
 
Hi All I know it has been awhile since I'va posted .just needed sometime to think, and look inside myself.you see lately i have been feeling lostlike parts of me are missing out there somewhwere roaming free ,maybe looking for me .It might because I never really got any closurerto 2 parts of my life.the 2 pregnancies .after the first one when i was made to have an abortion at 6 monthes along they just took the baby away I knew what to the baby .I was cleaned up and sent home to deal with everything that happened on my own.no counseling or anything and I was never to mention to anyone what happened .when i got pregnant the 2 time and had the babay I had to give him up for adoption.I only saw him briefly befire they took him away.I never got to give him a name or anything.I never even got touch him.when I was released from the hospital I went home agian to deal with things on my own never allowed to bring the subject of the adoption upafter this I was made to feel like an outcast.by the same people who are suppose to love you unconditionallyand I still feellike that today.I don't what to do to heal this whole in my heart this emptiness and sense of loss.anyone got ant advice?
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lily
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Re: HOLE in MY HEART
Reply #1 - Feb 9th, 2004 at 2:03pm
 
Bespina,

I know that hole.  I still haven't filled mine in.  I lost 3 babies.  My mom and ex decided for me that I would abort my first two and then I lost one with my husband. 

I got pregnant at 18.  I lived with Bob and he did not want a baby.  My sister was pregnant too and my mom demanded (screamed at me and belittled me until I just couldn't fight anymore) that I abort.  I hated them both.  I was so empty inside. 

The second was at 19, I know it was stupid that I did again, and again I tried to keep it.  Was getting excited about it, but they demanded I abort again.  God! It hurt so much!  This time I was 5 months along.  And the physical pain was just as bad as the emotional. 

Bob today regrets it and asked my forgiveness.  But, I mourn them.  It hurts me so much.  My mom used abortion as birth control.  3 total for her.    I chose to give up everyone to have my son and that's just what happened.  I lost my mom and bob for a while.  But I have my wonderful son now.  When Chris and I got pregnant a few years ago, we were so happy but we lost it.  I went more insane and became so depressed I started using and drinking again.  When I found out I was pregnant with Sarah I did not believe it.   I didn't become happy (allow myself that joy) until she was born.  Even now I am afraid to. 

I don't know what fills that hole.  More children I guess.  I surrounded myself with neices and nephews and kids at church.  I wouldn't recommend the drugs and booze obviously.  Eventually I prayed that God would fill the hole.  He did with other people's kids for a while and then blessed me with my own.  After a while, I just believed that I would not have my own and I accepted it and asked for any other way to have children in my life.  It helped alot.


I hope I said something that helped.  I am here for you.  I know your pain.

(((((HUGS))))))
Lily
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bespina1
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Re: HOLE in MY HEART
Reply #2 - Feb 9th, 2004 at 2:24pm
 
Thank you for your words .I have two children 19,and 17 but I still have this emptiness this hole that I can't find away to fill and the feeling is stronger now than before .not sure why maybe because I know he is at the age were I can look for him or vice /versahe would be about 20 now .I just want see him even from a distance.
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malesurvivor
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Re: HOLE in MY HEART
Reply #3 - Feb 10th, 2004 at 4:43am
 
Bespina-
I don't know what to say, other than I feel for you.
~malesurvivor.
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Sitting, silently, thinking and screaming for freedom from this constant insanity, the endless solitary confinement.&&Yet I walk alone, and survive. &&Always alone, and always surviving.
 
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bespina1
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Re: HOLE in MY HEART
Reply #4 - Feb 11th, 2004 at 12:31pm
 
Matt ,Lily thank you both even if just for listening I am going through so many emotions with been crying alot don't know what tom do .thank for being there for me
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Yolande
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Re: HOLE in MY HEART
Reply #5 - Feb 11th, 2004 at 8:05pm
 
Dear Bespina,

I just cringe for you - what a disgusting family to treat you like that.  You have suffered so much.  Don't you hate the saying, "Make the most of your teenage years, they're the best years of your life" - I remember people saying that to me back then, and have often thought of it since.  For some of us, they are the years of horror, where things were out of our control, and so destructive, and we would NEVER want to go back there.  For me, this is the best part of my life, even though so much isn't resolved!!!  I turn 40 in Sept., so I guess that will be the fitting saying for me - "Life begins at 40"!!!!  I haven't suffered what you have, Bespina, but I can relate to the pain of losing a baby (& only miscarriages, mind!) and the grief is so deep and instinctive - perhaps the worst kind of grief.

I feel for you so much.  Do you think you should try to trace your son?  His loss is obviously eating away at you, hindering you from moving forward.  Some of my friends who were adopted out as babies now have made contact with their parents, and it has worked out really well.  The saddest thing with your son, is, what will you tell him, when he asked what your situation was, and who was his father...  very difficult one.  Not sure what to do with that one. 

For me, I wouldn't be able to rest until I found him, and I would grieve, just like you are.  You have so much else that you are suffering - things that are out of your control, without this on top of it - and this is something you can have some control over, for the future.  I know of a friend's mom, who married and had about 8 children, yet always suffered ill health, and was in grief mode unless she had a little baby.  YEARS later, her son that she had been forced to adopt out prior to her marriage (that no one knew about) traced her, and her health flourished - at about 50 or 60!  She was finally content!  All her other children were  fascinated to find this brother that they didn't know they had, to see that he looked so much like this one, laughed like that one, and so on, and he was embraced as the long-lost brother that he was.  For them, it worked out really well.  All of us would know of cases where it has worked out really well, like that.  And also the odd case where it hasn't. You need to weigh up the risks, I guess, for your own situation. 

All the best, Bespina.

Jill
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YolandeJ
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Re: HOLE in MY HEART
Reply #6 - Feb 12th, 2004 at 1:56am
 
Hi, I read your story and it sound like you are in a lot of pain. Please know that you are not alone.

I feel your pain and I will pray for you to get some peace after all that has happened to you.

Please don't beat up on yourself too much because the person you are is a survivor. Be proud of that and try to use it to bring you some comfort.

Thinking of you and hoping for your healing.

homealone
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Kaye
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Re: HOLE in MY HEART
Reply #7 - Feb 21st, 2004 at 4:41am
 
Dear Beth,

I know the pain of being pregnant (at 20) & not wanting the baby - I did lose it & that is hard enough to live with.

I would have only 1 suggestion - FIND YOUR SON.  He would have a hole in his heart too.  I'm sure all the inevitable bad feelings he would have would be outweighed by the good at having you in his life.  

My Father-In-Law found out at Christmas last year that the lady who was raised as his Aunty was actually his sister.  His mother & new found sister had already died years before.  Can you imagine the grief he feels at never having known he had a sibling?  The reason it was covered up was that his sister was a product of incest - his Mum had her when she was 13.  The Grandma was passed off as the Mum because they all lived together ON THE RUN FROM THE MONSTER FATHER.  My FIL's Mother eventually married a much older man & had him but he wasn't really wanted.  She was 38 at the time he was born & he was put into boarding schools as soon as his father died when he was 8.  His mother came across as a very hard, non-affectionate woman & yet no-one except her Mother & a few close friends who helped to cover it up even knew.  The first baby was born in a house attended by midwife.  Everyone is so shocked that she carried such a burden & was never able to share with all those that would never have judged her & loved her so much - including her son.  Just thought this may help.  My FIL's sister had 3 sons which he is still close to - they just happen to have changed from cousins to nephews!  By the way, his sister found out the truth when she was 70 & had to apply for a passport - but she never shared the truth with her little '25 years her junior' brother.  They could have had a few years living as they were meant to be.  Another sad thing for him to deal with.

Love & hugs, Kaye.
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