Bearing Through It
   
  HomeHelpSearchLoginRegister  
 
Page Index Toggle Pages: 1
Send Topic Print
Confused (Read 2866 times)
homealone
Baby Bear
*
Offline


Bearing through it!

Posts: 4
Confused
Feb 7th, 2004 at 8:10pm
 
Boy, am I confused, hurt, lonely, sad and depressed!

I am a survivor of what seemed to be endless years of physical and emotioal torture at the hand of my father when I was young and then from my mother (emotionally) when I got older.

It wasn't til recently that I remembered the day I was sexually assaulted by a trusted friend of our family.

For years I have struggled with the two people inside of me. One is a good and wants and cares for others and the other one is  depressed and addicted to sex and beats up on me when I fall down.

At first I struggled through the early years of gaining an identity that did'nt include my abusers. I started smoking, drinking and eventually, drugs and sex with countless others.

I was in one abusive relationship after the other, even a failed marriage. I have abused and been abused.

I am tired of failing myself, and others. I was in a relationship with a person twenty years younger and thought I was on top of the world, often wondering what this person saw in me.

Then the day came that sent me crashing to the ground again. They broke off our relationship because I reminded them of thier abuser.

I knew that there was past abuse in thier life, yet I thought that we would go through the healing together.  Don't get me wrong I applaud them for recognizing a very serious flaw in our relationship and thier willingness to not stay in an unhealthy relationship
and seek counseling.

I do want the best for them. Yet, I am left with hurt, and sadness and depression. I do see that we both were headed nowhere fast. I do see that I need to seek counseling too. I do see what we were both addicted to sex. I do see the need to have ended it.

It's just that I became so dependant on our relationship that there is still a big hole left in me and to tell you the truth I don't know what to fill it with except prayer. I guess I was just fooling myself all along. I have been made to see who I am again and I don't like that person. I guess its finally time to get some help about "THE SECRET" that I have never told anyone but my ex.

I have realized that it is just as much a part of me as the physical and emotional abuse and it still hurts all these years later.

STILL, homealone.
 



  [/glow]
Back to top
« Last Edit: Feb 9th, 2004 at 1:33am by homealone »  
 
IP Logged
 
kjoy
Share Bear
***
Offline


Do only that which honors
the soul.

Posts: 458
kentucky
Gender: female
Re: Confused
Reply #1 - Feb 8th, 2004 at 11:54am
 
Hello homealone and welcome to the board.

As someone once told me, right here in this room in fact, it is the secrets that can hurt you the most. Secrets have always been my biggest problem to work on and as I slowly let them out and let myself be heard, I get closer and closer to healing from all the abuse of the past.  I had to leave my ex as well because we were both caught in an unhealthy relationship pretty much controlled by our past issues and addictions and I knew I couldn't begin to heal as long as I remained in an abusive situation. Keep coming here and remember we are here to listen, support you and not judge you. Take care always,

          Kathy
Back to top
 
KrafTcat59@aol.com  
IP Logged
 
tinygirlchild
Share Bear
***
Offline


I Corinthians 13

Posts: 457
florida
Gender: female
Re: Confused
Reply #2 - Feb 8th, 2004 at 12:41pm
 
welcome, homealone!

you have found a safe place here, among others who understand what you have lived.

here you can be yourself.  you can speak your truth.  you can really begin to heal.

we will not judge you.  we will support you, and envelop you in safe love.  we will hear you and cry with you, and even laugh with you.

i'm glad you've found us.

ticia
Back to top
 

Work like you don't need the money. &&Love like you've never been hurt. &&Dance like nobody's watching. &&Sing like nobody's listening. &&Live like it's Heaven on Earth. &&&&Anonymous&&
stardancer383  
IP Logged
 
malesurvivor
Share Bear
***
Offline


Grizzlies Rule.

Posts: 467
chicagoland, IL., usa
Gender: male
Re: Confused
Reply #3 - Feb 8th, 2004 at 7:59pm
 
welcome!

Keeping the pain only lets it grow and become worse. I think its better when we let it out. It's like an infection..... it can only hurt you when it's inside and you can only get better by letting it out.

Glad to know others are talking, too.
~~malesurvivor
Back to top
 

Sitting, silently, thinking and screaming for freedom from this constant insanity, the endless solitary confinement.&&Yet I walk alone, and survive. &&Always alone, and always surviving.
 
IP Logged
 
Cheryl
Share Bear
***
Offline


Buckle up and Hang on!

Posts: 463
Massachusetts
Gender: female
Re: Confused
Reply #4 - Feb 9th, 2004 at 11:18am
 
Welcome to the Board!  I hope you find this place a place of comfort and safety for you.

I really can't say much more than what Kathy, Ticia and Malesurvivor said. 

The "Secrets" really weigh us down, you don't need to carry the baggage anymore.

~  Cheryl
Back to top
 
 
IP Logged
 
Rissa
Baby Bear
*
Offline


Bearing through it!

Posts: 13
Missouri
Gender: female
Re: Confused
Reply #5 - Feb 11th, 2004 at 10:35am
 
Hey Homealone,


Dont feel that you are alone on here, you have the support of me, and the others on here, i hope that you do find comfort in this site, and maybe get some of your questions answered.

It is terrible what your father put you through.  Although it wasnt sexual with him, Im sure the pain is just as bad. 

Sometimes yuo dont really remembered the sexual abuse that happened until something triggers, or makes you think of it.  Ive been there.  Its ok.  You probably repressed alot of it, and was unable to deal with it at the time, so your mind automatically repressed it.

I hope that you are feeling stronger, and getiing strength throught the people on this site,  I will be here whenever you need me to.  I hope that you find a way to not feel so depressed over the break up of your last love.  Sometimes people want things to work so much, that they only look at the positive side, and not the negative.  It may have hurt so muc, because you were not expecting it.

Again, i will be here for you whenever you need to talk.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((( hug))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Rissa Smiley
Back to top
 

GOD WILL HELP ME THROUGH THIS!
rissa_denis  
IP Logged
 
Page Index Toggle Pages: 1
Send Topic Print


Bearing Through It HomePage